have not made any friends at university

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franknfurter
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11 Oct 2013, 11:18 am

I am finding it difficult to know what to do, there was a fresher's week last week at the university I am at, which really lasted for 2 weeks, I don't know what happened but apparently everyone made friends during that time.

the problem is that I am not good at all at being spontaneous, for example these people in the years above knock on your flat and ask if you want to go out, this happen with no warning and I don't like surprises so of cause I get too anxious to even contemplate going, not only that but I get disorientated when being out at night and can't deal with loud, bright and busy places which seems to be where people were going out to.

I fee quite isolated because I just don't now how to made friends outside of the classroom setting I know and lectures are nothing like a classroom setting.

I have one friend who came to the university with me which has been a life saver as I am finding it very difficult to deal with the change of moving to university, the problem is my friend now has a boyfriend and is spending a lot of time with him and other friends from outside the university, my friends from a specific place in another country and its kind of a selective group she is being integrated into of people who speak the same language and are from the same place as she is, which means that I could not fathom joining in as they will not even be speaking English.

my main problem with getting to know people is the spontaneity problem, I really need a warning of about a day be happy doing things and I can't expect people to cater that really. now fresher's is over I am lost in terms of even meeting people

most probably a lost case but do you think there is anything I can do to meet people and make friends?



rickith
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11 Oct 2013, 11:43 am

Are there any sort of clubs you could join?

Do you excel at any of your classes? I do not know what your social skills are like but if you excel at something you might be able to help students who are having trouble with a particular class. My college had something like that, if you were really good at programming you could help new students who were struggling with it. I never did, but it could be a way to make some friends and possibly even get some credits too.



octobertiger
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11 Oct 2013, 12:56 pm

Hey there, I remember your earlier posts. I'm glad you're still at uni.

I think just take your time. Be very patient with yourself - there's a hell of a lot to take in. It's just going to take you longer than most people. You could try a few calmer socieities and clubs. If you are a christian, a group like that could be very supportive. You could make some friendships on your terms, yet.

Maybe this time next year, you could set up an asperger's group, which would be a brave but brilliant thing to do (mind you, getting everyone together at the same time could be difficult!).

I assure you, you're not the only person around campus who feels like you do now about things, and have similar friendship expectations.



franknfurter
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11 Oct 2013, 2:03 pm

unfortunately I have looked at the societies and there is nothing I am remotely interested in, I do hope it will get easier.



Adamantium
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11 Oct 2013, 3:17 pm

franknfurter wrote:
unfortunately I have looked at the societies and there is nothing I am remotely interested in, I do hope it will get easier.


What are you interested in? Perhaps if you let people here know, they can make some useful recommendations.



leafplant
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11 Oct 2013, 3:25 pm

what is the subject you are studying? does it offer opportunities for talks/workshops etc - its easier to meet people at those settings. I also recommend joining societies and even trying out some stuff you would not normally consider just to get your self confidence up a bit. Sports societies are the friendliest but also the most competitive.

I don't know why i am trying to give you advice, I am completely useless at making friends..anyway, good luck, I am fairly confident that being confident and less nervous are probably good strategies



jerry00
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11 Oct 2013, 3:33 pm

Turning down an invite to hang out is fatal. You won't get another one.

I know being invited out can make me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Absolutely bizarre, because I usually do have fun, but when people invite me out I sometimes respond like they've asked me to go fight a war with them.

My trick is to just say yes. And whatever horrible consequences my brain comes up with I'll just say to myself "okay fine I'll endure that, it's only 4 hours"

and surprise surprise the horrible consequences don't actually happen. Not to say that the event went perfectly, there will always be a lot of awkward moments standing around doing nothing, but I do nonetheless end up happier than I would have been if I didn't go.

Essentially you are just fighting your feelings long enough for the rational part of your brain to release the social situation is not in fact a horrible ordeal. And the bad feelings subside.



Dillogic
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12 Oct 2013, 6:48 am

I don't see a problem.



MaxBlack
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12 Oct 2013, 7:28 am

I understand how you feel to a certain degree, it's all good, I'm sure in time you might gain new friends it just might take a litle longer than other people do this. one can only try. for me I have no interest in making friends at Uni.

to say that disreguarding an invite was fatal, I say each to their own and it's a little obsurd to say that and typing "I don's see the problem" doesn't help matters!


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Tuttle
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13 Oct 2013, 11:35 am

Sometimes what the clubs do and what the clubs are titled aren't exactly the same things. Does your school have some time when clubs look to see about new members? That's something my school did.

Clubs were definitely my answer.



redrobin62
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13 Oct 2013, 11:56 am

Interestingly, the acquaintances I met at college did not belong to the college at all. This was during the punk days. I used to hang out at a bar called Dugan's Deli and the punk bands used to play there. I hanged out with them because, well, they were odd and out of place like me. It made sense. I imagine that, nowadays, there are all kinds of clubs on campus, maybe even an Asperger's club. Hopefully.