Don't know who I am anymore?

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Generally, I suppose I feel "cold" in relation to my feelings, and this is whether they're suppressed or not. Is that what you're asking?

Thank you for this thread. I can relate to everything you say.

Maybe this is unrelated but I see NT's in the modern world as ping-pong balls that rapidly bounce off each other. They see an acquaintance, smile, crack some joke, then continue on their way. Interactions are brief exchanges of small talk and the sense of connection is chaotic and ephemeral. NT's are energized by this bouncy style of interacting with the world, where as for me it's all superficial. I simply don't have the time or level of comfort to truly feel connected. By the time I start to feel comfortable with someone they are ready to move on to something else. The chaotic fast-paced modern world doesn't give me a chance to sit down and have a 2 hour long discussions and sharing of life stories every day. This all contributes to a sense that it's all a bunch of pointless nonsense. The world is all about quantity over quality and breadth over depth. To me this ping-pong ball style of interaction is both laborious and unrewarding.

Every day I go into the NT world and do what I have to do to support my world.

It's no accident that I live in a remote area away from other people and their NT shtick.

I wouldn't be able to do cool stuff related to my interests if I lived in town. Like a 25' tall railroad signal on my front lawn.

I felt this way last year and the year before regarding internet and real life. I know everyone changes for each situation. Like for work, you go to work and you have to wear certain pants and shoes due to work dress code, you have to clean a certain way or do things a certain way, if you work in a restaurant, you can't lick the bowls there. How is that fake? I just see it as rules.

You are with someone and they may be offended by a slang you use and jokes you tell so you avoid using the word around them and telling those jokes around them out of respect. How is this fake?

As a child I would go to school and do stuff there I could get away with I wouldn't be able to get away with at home such as screaming or saying certain words there my mom would never allow me to say at home and do bullying there.

Like if you like throwing your trash around at home, other people don't like it when you toss trash around in their home so out of their respect, you throw it away in the trash can. How is this fake?

I never liked the term faking. It's a matter of rules being different everywhere so you must follow them and a matter of showing someone respect when it comes to people. This is how I always view things and don't see how it's fake. You can't fake it, you either do it or you don't. Was I faking bullying? Was I faking screaming? Was I faking saying words I couldn't say at home? Was I faking when I always restrained myself from acting up and being hyper? Was I faking when I kept my body still and watched what I did with my body? Heck, was I even faking violence when I was trying to have ODD because I thought it would get me my way and make my life easier because that is how this ODD boy always got his way? If I decide to be an as*hole, is it fake? If I decide to be nice, is it fake? I always thought you can be whoever you want to be and when I decided I wanted to be a certain way, I went for it.

What if I decided to kill someone, would that be fake if I did it? That is why I don't get this whole faking thing. If you want to be a certain way, why is that fake? If you want to learn something, why is that fake? If you decide to not use a word around someone because it bothers them, why is that fake?

My own mid-life crisis would happen immediately if my interest in fast cars ceased.

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"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos