Can I mend a broken Aspie relationship? Help Aspie guys!

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Hi everyone. I am fairly new here and also fairly new diagnosed female middle aged (50) Aspie. All of my life my relationships have been tough. My diagnosis has helped me understand why. My father also has Aspergers. A few months ago, around my diagnosis, I decided to act on a hunch and ask a friend to introduce my to a man that I thought we would get on well. Things took off great and then after 3 weeks crashed and he hid. I backed off and hecame back around but I was still anxious because he backed off the first time. Each time he inched off at all after that I acted weird. I began to have all sorts of difficulty reading his cues and pushed a little harder. He broke it off and I am devastated. In speaking with my therapist she feels that he displays a lot of Aspie traits too and as soon as she said that it all made perfect sense. My question is to you Aspie guys out there. If you broke off with a girl is there any way you might consider getting back together and, if so, is there a way you would find non threatening and acceptable to be approached? He told me that he didn't want to be friends and that he felt like he wanted to avoid me the last week we were together. He was ticked off and annoyed. I have not contacted him at all since that call and visa versa for the past 3 weeks. He posted a few cryptic things on his facebook wall but I am afraid to approach him. Really could use some insight and advice here because I am SO not good at this stuff and don't understand and certainly don't want to do any damage to him or me. Thank you!

Hey Nola, welcome.

To be fair, there are a lot of people who have traits of aspergers, and 'aspie moments'. That doesn't necessarily mean that they will have the condition. Hence the problem of adult diagnosis. Beware that you are not projecting all of your traits onto him - it's very easily done.

Would I consider getting back with a past partner? Depends why I split up with them (if it was on the grounds of poor communication, or poor behavior on their part, and they were sincere in remedying that then I'd at least listen)...However, I'd never leave any doubt in anyone's mind - that's cruel, in my book.

Clearly, there has been a communication issue between you two. I find when this situation starts developing, one person has to take the lead and spell things out - nothing subtle. Often, that person is risking rejection, but someone's got to be brave - otherwise, the situation ends up like it has with you two.

Your ex-partner being annoyed - it's really down to him as to why he is annoyed. Maybe it's a tactic to get rid of you, maybe his relationship communication issues are completely behind his behavior - you just don't know. It's a shame he's not supplying you with the answer. Then again, does he have to?

All you can do is have one last try - be honest, ask him why calmly, and tell him how you felt. However, I'd only do this once, I'd be blunt about it, but polite. And then, leave it - forever, if necessary. Maybe he's just not going to make the party, maybe he won't explain things to you...and maybe it has to be this way.

His issues are his issues. Your confusion is your issue. If in any doubt, move on, already.

Thank you for your reply. While I am not a professional, knowing his history, he does seem to lean Aspie. But, you are correct, it could be just some traits and not the whole shebang. He did have difficulty communicating and that is his baggage. I do too and that is mine. I would like to try and reach out but truly wish to not harm. I got a little pushy and ill behaved before he broke up. I was having panic attacks etc...because I didn't understand why he went from full on to off. In all past relationships I can provide as much space as necessary but, if I don't understand why, I get overloaded and flail around. Not attractive ha,ha. I have been thinking of writing him. Would you think that preferable to face to face? I am really at a loss now that I know how much I do not know and am afraid to ruin another chance in future by reaching out too soon. As mentioned, it's been nearly 3 weeks. I was going to give it a few weeks more just because I also don't know what to write. I get so easily flustered. Thank you again for taking the time to respond.

So far, what with your panic attacks and his avoidance, it doesn't sound exactly like a quality relationship in the making. It hasn't done you much good so far, has it? Doesn't sound easy to fix, or even worthwhile to fix, from what you have written.

Just my point of view. It sounds in a way like you've got a rough plan of what you're going to do, anyway.

I wish you well.

Thank you again for your time and response. I won't go into the details but there were many other things that were good enough for me to want to repair. Even a friendship with him would be worthwhile to me because I care for him. If that isn't his interest then I would not pester. My anxiety, perhaps panic attacks was a bit strong, is something I am working on and only happens when I am slow to process and understand. His avoidance was, I feel, understandable at the time. I have observed that in NT world, folks work through issues much worse than these. Sometimes it just takes a little while to understand each others rhythms. I only hope for the chance for another try now that I do understand his need for space and quiet. Really shocked I didn't pick it up but had a bunch of stuff on my plate at the time. I am very similar in those needs myself so would have given them freely and without question or judgement. I really am just slow on the uptake sometimes. Hope you have a nice day Octobertiger.

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gwx4iTRLXG8[/youtube]

Thank you so much Codyrules37. Brought hope to my heart, a smile to my face and a tear to my eyes : )

Well my suspected aspie guy once told me he never gives second chances and he's given me five already. Unfortunately, I squandered them pretty badly. But what I wanted to say was even if he has these sort of rules in his head, he may give you another chance. Just be patient and when you're calm and centered, try reaching out again.

Just be prepared for things to not quite be the same as they were before right away.

Thank you for your response JinNJ! That is very hopeful to hear and I will heed your advice and if he does give me a chance I'll give it the space I didn't before.

Reaching out is fine, and he may indeed give you another five chances. That said, he will not change. You are already seeing what lies in front of you - look at how you feel inside - do you want to feel this way for N years? It's only been a short amount of time you have been together - very short. You are seeing how the union of your personalities intersect. Should it really be that much "work" to get along after such a short time?

Thank you for your response specialguy. I do realize that he will not change. We are both older (50s) too. At this stage in both of our lives any romantic relationship will take some work, all relationship do. I do not expect nor ask that others change for me. Wouldn't want him to change because Iwho he is is what I love. Because of my Asperger's I process things slower and I didn't realize what was happening at the time. He needed space and I took that as a personal rejection. I understand now that wasn't necessarily the case and fell much more able to put that understanding to practice and hope that he will give me the opportunity to do so. Thanks again for your response.