Socializing - uncomfortable feeling inside?

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WhatAGal
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17 Oct 2013, 11:32 am

Hi, I'm a new member on this forum and registered just to ask if anybody has ever felt this way when trying to be social/make friends, which I've been doing for about a month already. Both at college and driving classes I've been taking during the weekends. While everything is going great (talking during breaks, Facebook requests etc.) I always have this doubtful feeling creeping inside - almost like I want to cry or throw up (or both). And when these classes are over, I honestly feel a little bit relieved. I've tried to discuss this with my mom (she's a NT) and she just said, "well that's just you and your personality". I know she means well and I love her, but that definitely did not help AT ALL.

Regarding the friends I've made, don't get me wrong. I think their awesome and I enjoy their company but I can't seem to get over this "feeling". I might be over-thinking things but I just wanted to get an Aspie point of view on this matter, since there aren't many where I live (or nor do I know about).



hurtloam
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18 Oct 2013, 1:11 pm

I feel exactly like that. I have friends that I like and I want to spend time with them, but being around people makes me uncomfortable. When I'm having a conversation I want it to be over so that I can stop feeling anxious. I feel more comfortable alone.

I think this stems from how many times I have said the wrong thing in the past and not realised until it was said. I don't want to make those mistakes again and I get stressed. I feel like I don't really know what's going on around me, I feel like I don't think like other people and I'm always assessing what's going on, and asking myself if I really understand why people are saying what they are saying to make sure I give the right response. It's tiring and stressful.

But it's worth it in the long run because you will find friends that accept you for who you are and you will start to feel more comfortable with them. You will get to know them and understand them and feel at ease with them. Usually people only have a handful of real friends like this, bothe Aspies and NT people say that.



Solo_Operator
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18 Oct 2013, 6:18 pm

I'd describe the situation similarly to you, and in my own perspective, the larger the group I find myself in, the greater the air feels presurized or electrified. I can relate to feeling like I want to throw up, sometimes I feel like the pressure in the room has gone to 1.5 atmospheres or more with more people. When a person approaches me, my voice can be anywhere from relaxed to so tense that I barely hear myself speak. The worst is when I open my mouth and my face turns red, I feel superheated. I don't recharge in groups. And the times I had "fun" in groups, alcohol was the lubricant. I can't say it will get better for you in groups, just that you'll know yourself better. I'd encourage you to focus on knowing yourself rather than anything surrounding you needing to change.

I recharge by myself. I'm still being mentally stimulated by myself, reading, gaming, constructing, designing, hiking, biking, but that wasn't well known to me until just the last few months. I've felt relieved knowing myself through aspie traits. Perhaps you will too. Knowing yourself is so important. You're also observing patterns. How you react to this or that, and how often. A big aspie trait. The pattern observers.

Good luck, keep observing, and learn about who you are. These forums have been a great resource for me. I'd also encourage you to watch Youtube videos on aspie, aspergers, high functioning autism. And similar web searches for articles. It's seeing how similar I am to other aspies that has brought me relief.



ReiAime
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22 Oct 2013, 8:15 am

I get a sick feeling inside when I try to make friends too. I start feeling nauseated after chatting for too long. My mom is an NT too, and she usually just accuses me of not caring enough to make friends or it wouldn't bother me. Of course, I know that isn't the case, and that she just is incapable of understanding it.

I used to think I could get away with acting normal for a couple minutes, just to be polite, but if you happen to hit it off with that person, those minutes turn into hours, and then plans for another meeting. That's the scary part of meeting new people, because it's even harder to keep the act up the more you see the other person. Personally, I don't like this situation, and I think I'm headed toward a long period of solitude until I get some strength back.


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hurtloam
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22 Oct 2013, 10:06 am

ReiAime wrote:
I get a sick feeling inside when I try to make friends too. I start feeling nauseated after chatting for too long. My mom is an NT too, and she usually just accuses me of not caring enough to make friends or it wouldn't bother me.


That is strange logic your mother has. I think the fact that you are anxious shows that you do care and you are worrying that you might do something wrong and blow your chances which in turn creates anxiety. If you didn't care you would be more laid back and wouldn't be stressed about it.

I've been told to try and focus on the other person more than thinking about how the conversation is making me feel. Try and focus on what they are saying and try and think about what you are learning about them rather than focussing on what they might be thinking about you. Easier said than done though.



paladinen
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22 Oct 2013, 2:28 pm

Driving school, talk about driving
College, talk about subjects you are talking, and ask other about favourite subjects they take.

I got AS, so not a expert, but smalltalk is a good starter.

Active listening, focus on what the person is talking alot about, that is often a favourite aubject, ask questions about that subject. Know some basic understanding about alot of different things, and you will often make a conversiation.

English is my 2nd language so not sure all is correctly written