Considering telling someone at work I have Asperger's

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Background. Been working at current place for just over a year. Separated from ex girlfriend about 4 months ago. I have no friends and not sure how to make any. The social isolation bothers me. There is a woman who works in the same room within my office. I find her immensely attractive, an illogical emotion as logically I shouldn't be interested, particularly as she is very early 20's and I'm nearly mid 30's. I'm just drawn to her, due to a combination of her physical appearance and her behaviour. Logically I know she wouldn't be interested and there's no hope of anything along the lines of a romantic relationship. We both go to a language class at work for 2 hours each week, though she has not been for 3 previous weeks as she had more important work-related training courses. She came this week and sat next to me and tried engaging me in small talk on the walk back to the office.

The reason I am thinking of telling her is that I think people see me as difficult to engage socially. Most give up quite quickly, and she has put more effort in than most in engaging me - though this would not have happened without the coincidence of attending the language class together. I hope that if I provide an explanation for my unusual social presentation that she might be more forgiving and this might facilitate the development of some superficial friendship as a colleague. I also hope that if she knows, it might help in other ways, for example in the language class.

There is a small chance she already knows as my line manager knows and is a "social butterfly" around the office. I get the impression my line manager would not mention it unless it was necessary to do so, though I did once learn on one occasion that someone else within the office is diagnosed with Asperger's. Though this was not directly referenced as Asperger's but a "condition" that creates social difficulty, and the diagnosis would seem to fit to that individual. But even if she already knows, and is interested, at least I could try and put my spin on how it affects me than leave it as just the name of a diagnosis.

Anyone have any thoughts? Many thanks

I'd say yes; she appears to be receptive and understanding. I've said it before, and I'll say it again; telling someone about having AS gives that person a frame of reference for potentially understanding you. And plus, if you tell her, and other people in the office see you interacting, and they ask her what's going on with you, maybe she can help educate other people about it, too, and how it affects you on a daily basis.

I was actually in a similar situation; I had this coworker/now friend that I began to bond with, and I told her about having AS. She turned out to be really receptive, reading up on AS and asking questions. She even talked about it to some other coworkers who were curious about why I can be standoffish, which I appreciate to no end considering that mentioning that you have AS can be daunting in a group of people. So I'd suggest going for it (and I would talk to her about it as though she doesn't already know; say something along the lines of a definitive "I have Asperger's," not "so you might have heard by now that I have Asperger's..."). Any way you slice it, I think it's a good strategy for people with AS to have a "buddy system" in the workplace, and it seems like this women might be great for that.

It's never necessary.

It's also never a good idea to reveal that about yourself.

Ask her out and get to know her wayyyyy better before you go telling her you're "different." The only time I'd tell her is if she asks if you are.

Asperger's or Autism varies widely doesn't it?

How it affects you is not the same for everyone. What if your she knew an aspie who she didn't really like. Would she see you in the same category as them?

The label is too broad to really mean that much really. I would stick to specific issues. [this is an NT's viewpoint but I think but I think about what my child should say all the time]

I really don't think you should hide your difference though.

So maybe I'd say one time after you talk to her "nice talking to you" and another time mention "I'm not the easiest to talk to am I? Right!?! walking back from language class". Then maybe you can talk to her about language class and a little about your perspective on it, and get hers. And maybe comment she is so lucky to have it so easy.

I wouldn't explain the reasons behind your "unusual social presentation". I would just admit your social presentation was unusual to her. Kinda like yeah I know that you know that my social presentation was unusual (not in those words exactly). And just say "that's how I am". And maybe tell her the truth that it's not exactly easy giving a presentation like that.

I mean this is just me and my personality but after admitting something like that I'd say "but I'm not a bad person though" because I do want to be reassuring. I mean she is the judge of that of course but well ...

So in other words, if you say "I have Asperger's", she might not know what to think. If you say, "wow, wasn't my presentation kinda awkward", "it's not easy for me", she will probably give you some advice and be happy about being able to help someone.

I am an NT. Interacting is easy for me. Except interacting in a second language in a culture with so many unwritten rules and vague references is a challenge and I apologize to people alot, and thank them for putting up with me, and plead my case of how things are difficult and try to stay positive and even though my interactions are quite different than two natives, they still seem to find something interesting in my differences. I can't say my strategies will work for you or anyone else though. Not even sure they work that well for me but ... it's the best I can do for now.

You could just lie.
I would.

I would say they're one and the same really, all on a spectrum of ability. This is certainly the view of the DSM-5. I guess what matters most is an explanation for a difference.

A bit of socially unacceptable Facebook snooping suggests that she likes the TV show Big Bang Theory. I'm not quite sure whether that is a good thing. The show makes social difficulties of the characters more mainstream, but this is intended to be for humorous situational comedy. Anyway last language lesson I was having a not so great day, and we did not end up speaking. I think it's because I was in my default mode of being standoffish and was having a bad day anyway. I'm now considering whether I try tell her via work email as I think verbally face-to-face would be too challenging.

The way I am beginning to see it is -
a) I don't tell - she assumes I am standoffish/ignorant and don't want to talk to her -> guaranteed lose.
b) I do tell -> lose/win depending on her.

Option b) seems to be the best of the two.

No, you want Option C.

"I like talking to you. I hope I don't wierd you out-- I've always been, uh, one of those awkward people."

Or, "I'm glad we talk. Conversation has never come easily to me, but I like talking to you."

Something along those lines.

You DO NOT want to use "the a-word." Either one of them. Lots of people still don't know what they mean. Some would be clueless, and a lot more would make the empathy/compassion error or the sociopath mistake.

Unless you need accomodations, you're talking to the teacher of your child who you think may be on the spectrum (and they've already noticed something "off" about the kid), or you're talking to your therapist (or someone who is rapidly becoming your best friend, or you're considering proposing marriage) disclosure is NEVER a good idea.

It's just not safe.

Neither is dating a co-worker who is 10 years your junior, at least not in your 30s.

Yep definitely worked that one out. I hate the illogical instinctive feelings that just seem to happen. But it's certainly not a case of being attracted to younger women alone, there have been placement students who have been younger and pretty, and while in one case I have liked them as a person and got on with them reasonably well, I've not had any romantic attraction to them. It's something I really can't put my finger on and it isn't just the fact she's put in the effort to talk to me when noone else has as I felt the same before we ever spoke.



I get the feeling we have now reached the point where we won't talk again. I will see what happens tomorrow, though I have my doubts she'll attempt to talk to me again. Was having a bad day the last time and was rather avoidant. My experience is this tends to set people off and they don't bother approaching you again.

I get what you're saying about the A word. It is such a wide ranging diagnosis and encompasses such a range of difficulties. The label in itself is rather nondescript. It makes it difficult to interpret what the condition is. Then you watch the news and some criminal hacks computers and has Asperger's and all that type of thing. If I can do a good job of explaining it, then that might overcome the types of problems you suggest. The type of job is a technical graduate position, so I have some reasonable hope she has a good level of intelligence.

I guess my main concern about saying is there would be a "why are you telling me this?" attitude. Particularly if I was to do so by email.

I sent an email and the response seems positive. She's making more effort to talk to me and seems to see me as more approachable. This is the type of response I was hoping for. She invited me along with a group of colleagues to go bowling, although this was noisy and not that great an experience for me overall. There are also plans to go to a "Christmas Party" organised for the language class along with other learners. I otherwise would never have bothered with this. I'm considering offering her a lift there when the time comes as I probably know the area better than her, and to get back home both of us would have to go near enough back to work anyway so makes little sense to make the journey independently. It would also provide an opportunity to talk on the journey.

I'm glad to see that it's worked out for you! Disclosure can only open doors, not close them (unless you're dealing with someone completely judgmental and close-minded).

I'm glad it has worked out! So far I have only told one co-worker, and that was because that co-worker said she might have Asperger's and knows a few people who do. Other co-workers hat I am comfortable talking with, I have mentioned specific social things that I don't get, but haven't mentioned he diagnosis. Most co-workers I have told nothing to.

I told a few coworkers I had aspergers.

It was the day after I told them I was quitting to take a better job though, so I don't know if it's applicable in general.

Don't do it. I don't care how friendly the person is. I've gone through this a few times and even just telling someone you're disabled they won't understand no matter how nice they are. They will treat you differently, ignore you completely, or even worse it can come back badly and they may start gossiping about you. Unless they know someone or have family even then they still may back off. There may be a few who have stayed, but it's all about pity, trying to fix you, etc and trust me you don't want that. It is even worse then the people who just leave.