I want a better relationship with sister, but she doesn't?

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To begin I was the youngest in my family, having one sister older than me by a year and a half. 90 percent of the time we did not get along. I've long tried to understand why this was. Oh to be sure, I could often be the pesky younger brother, and for a long time I believed that was the source of the enmity between us, because of my need for attention from her, and because, in my own self hating view of myself, I was simply not someone a sibling could like.

But increasingly as I have begun to improve upon myself, and revisit the past to find some semblance of understanding and closure, I have come to realize it wasn't just all me. Sure I could be annoying, but I wasn't a bad kid. And I realize how much I needed that older sibling to look out for me, to guide me a bit, and she was just not willing to do that. I recalled the cruelties, such as how she used to dig her fingernails into my arms when she was trying to make me do something; I still have faint scars.

I recall the emotional abuse, from her calling me a homosexual to her telling all my teammates at school (my dad coached Track and we were both on the team) that she had caught me masturbating (she had, which made it all the worse that she violated my confidence with something so private and intimate).

I recall the near total lack of emotional support, all the mornings and evenings when we carpooled to school, and I'd try to talk to her, but she'd tell me to be quiet or turn up the music on the radio. There are songs that even today I can't listen to because I remember them and associate them with those unpleasant drives. And even when we did have a conversation, before long she'd seem to tire of it, and just say, "Whatever," and again, she'd turn up that damn radio.

I recall her near complete lack of any kind of visible pride or happiness that she even had me for a brother, even today. For Christmas a few years back I made a photo book for my grandmother, which contained all the family slides printed with captions. She looked at it, and just nitpicked why I did this, and why I did that, and finally just sat the book down with a look that is difficult to put into words, but a few come to mind: disdain...apathy.

I truly and rightfully came to believe she didn't really care to have me around.

Which was why in recent years I thought things might be getting better. I had hoped, that our relationship might benefit from distance, that perhaps familiarity did indeed breed contempt, and the cure was separation. We'd only see each other three or four times a year, usually when I'd stop over for a night while driving home from school to see my parents; when she finished school and married, she moved to spot on the way and inbetween the two. And we got along better than we had, well ever.

But after I finished school, and these trips were no longer necessary, the time we saw each other grew fewer, and in recent years I found myself wanting to have a stronger relationship with her, realizing that she's the only sibling I've got.

And this is where I come into new distress. I try to call or I'l text, and she NEVER answers. And she'll only rarely call me back. Like, I'd say for every five times I try to call, she call me back once. And usually it is for a reason. Never just to chat. When our godfather died a few weeks ago, I tried to call her a half dozen times over the next few days because I wanted to talk to her about it, and she never called back at all. Never called me back when I called to wish her a happy birthday.

And when she does call me back, it is always so perfunctory, like she's talking to a coworker, much less a sibling. She has a maddening habit of always calling me when the moment is most inopportune for HER, such as when she's driving home from work or out doing errands. Thus the conversation is never more than five minutes or so, before she says, "Well I just pulled into the grocery store so I need to go." It almost feels like she does this by intent to avoid having to talk to me for very long. And when we do chat, when she does call, it is always for a purpose, whether it is to discuss plans for the next visit, or for holiday shopping. Never just to talk, just to call BECAUSE, which is what I'm trying to do.

And worst yet, she never sent me a birthday gift this year. Initially she was going to come into town with her husband, and we'd go shopping and she'd let me pick something out, but then she had to cancel the visit, and said we'd do the birthday next time. But never did. In the mean time she celebrated her birthday, and I sent her a gift, which apparently didn't jog her memory at all. I don't even recall if she thanked me for her gift, only that I heard from my Mom that she liked it.

I try to talk to my Mom about this, but her answer always is, "She's just like that, I sometimes have trouble reaching her too." But it SHOULDN'T be like that. In our age of connectivity and access, I just don't feel I should have to wait days for my own sister to respond to a simple text message, or to call me back. I want to be a part of my sister's life, especially since she and her husband are trying to have a child and like it or not, I'll be the uncle. And I don't want to be the uncle whose nephew or niece never knows.

But at this point, 30 years in, can anything be done? Can people change if up to now have shown no willingness to do so? I want so very much to have a strong relationship with my sister, but at this point I say in all seriousness that I feel there is no love present, that if I didn't make the effort I do now, she'd never call at all and we'd only see each other on holidays, which I really don't want to have happen. I don't want to be that family that only speaks on holidays and at funerals. But what am I to do if the other has no interest? Is there any hope? Have any of you been in similar situations with a family member? What happened in your case?

Your relationship with your sister sounds so frustrating. It sounds a bit similar to the relationship I have with my younger brother, only in our case the roles are reversed. My brother is a lot like my dad, he enjoys what he enjoys which are specific games and tv shows, and anything other than what he enjoys he will pretty much ignore. He always feels entitled to share what he likes with me, even when I have no idea what he's talking about or if it's something I really don't like, and I listen. But if I tried that with him he would ignore me. Not feeling the love back. In fact, everyone in my family is distant to one another. It feels like I'm the only one trying to reach out to them, and I could do that as much as I like, but it's not going to make them think to do the same with each other.

I've come to the conclusion that distance is probably inevitable. Problems can not be fixed if the others involved don't believe there is a problem that needs solving. I feel that after years of showing kindness to another person only to be ignored or unappreciated every time is not worth the effort. It seems to me that these types of people will never change until they realize those who were there for them are gone. Of course, it's up to you if you decide that you want to keep reaching out to your sister. But from what it sounds like, she may never reciprocate and will more than likely take you for granted.

I have some family members that I haven't seen or spoken to in years. I have an uncle that I have only met once, and that was when I was 23, and 2 cousins and an aunt I have never met or spoken to. I just accept it as inevitable, that they don't place as high a value on family ties as I do. Our situation is different though, as we all get along perfectly and there is no bad blood in the family. They just prefer to be left alone for whatever reason.

She isn't interested in a relationship with you. Give it up ASAP for the sake of your own emotional health.

When you write that "she's the only sibling" you've got, it makes me wonder, do you want this relationship with her mainly because the two of you are siblings? That is an unrealistic basis for a relationship.

Your siter reminds me of how I am towards my older siblings (I'm the youngest of four).

Growing up there was no real bonding between myself and my older siblings, but there WAS alot of shaming which is why I can't make any sort of emotional connection with them, siblings should nurture each other not shame, but the consequence in how I was raised means I can't feel anything towards them, thus I'm apathetic to them, when they try to make things right, I give them the cold shoulder as I simply don't perceive them as anything warm or inviting because of the way they raised me.

Not having any real bonding during childhood might be what causes her to be like that towards you as she probably doesn't recall any fondness... I have no idea what might be able to help you as it's not so simple to replace an entire childhood.

Though it seems that people being very distant from family members is a scary norm...It's sad really, they say the opposite of love isn't hate, but apathy.

But I find that in life your real family becomes your friends, the parent/child sister/brother dynamic does exist outside of the family...so if you're unable to make it work, there is still other avenues for you to feed that relationship with family that you want.