NT+NT = Venus & Mars; AS+NT = Venus & Pluto?

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There are many anecdotes about how NT men and NT women think differently (the whole Mars vs. Venus thing), and obviously there are significant differences.

Is it fair to say that the male Aspie brain is even less able to grasp the female NT way of thinking and being? From my experience, I would say so. It's hard enough to understand group think. But I find it nearly impossible to know how to be around group-thinking NT women! No offense, just saying that I really don't understand them or how to relate to them very well.

Seems that the male Aspie mind is even more different or incompatible, and therefore at an even greater disadvantage, for succeeding at forming a relationship with an NT woman whose thinking is very socially based.

From what I have read about others' experiences, there are NT women who do understand autism and adjust their perceptions of the autistic man accordingly (non-judgmentally so as to make peace with his significant differences in processing things). But other NT women can be very dismissive and even take measures to exclude us. When this happens it feels weird because not only do you not understand what on earth you did that was so offensive, but they won't tell you, as if to add to your burden even more.

These are some observations that I have and wanted to share.

There is a thing called a Child Mind.

I think Aspies are very child like with their emotional understanding. But I've met some girls who are also child like. I get on well with these girls. They are not Aspies, they are simple girls who get suckered by guys who take advantage of them.

I've read Mars and Venus, and its followup On a Date. At that time I didn't understand the human psych very well and simply accepted what the books said. But I've read far wider now, and observed many people. Ultimatly, the books are a guide for those who don't know any better (like us). They are not comprehensive, and they are not accurate for everyone.

There is a large percentage of the population with social/psychological difficulties. Relationship books don't cover these issues, they are simply too complex. They stick to the mainstream well addapted normal people. And are realy only a helpful guide.

I have to agree with you, Aspies are having a difficult time communicating and relating to NTs.


I'll speak in generalisations here, NT women are very good at sending subtle signals to men, showing that they are ready for you to approach them or not. With us, it is a hit and miss because we do not synchronise with them at all. See it as a traffic signal, where she sent out a signal letting you know it is ok to approach or ask her out etc. Like a green traffic like, there is a timer associated to that signal, if you don't respond or respond with something else that is part of your scripted version, the stop signal is sent. Both of you wondering what just happened, she don't understand why you are not responding and you wondering why she left flustered.

I guess this is part of why Aspie men have hard time with Westernised women in general because of the language they use to communicate, which is a combination of body language, voice tone and the way she could be implying things with her words. I think that is a unique intelligence associated with that kind of way of communicating. Apparently the Eastern side doesn't do that much, there are more easy to follow rules. If you want to of course. (I'm not discussing if it is good or bad for them, Boo mentioned some points on it.)

What can we do? Well my guess would be to get a wing man, a social interpreter or a woman friend knowing your condition and that can help decode things for you. Because these windows of opportunity are very short (green light). Yeah I know it sounds like PUA, because that is where I learned of it. You can disqualify what I tell you if you want, but there are some points they make. I can learn all the PUA scripted versions I want like a parrot, it doesn't mean I can really apply it because I lack that processing capability of reading the response from them.

For instance, I would be mulling over an event in my head for days and finally figure it out later that she gave me the green light for me to approach her, it doesn't mean I was going to have a date, it just means that she was interested and allowing me to know that there could be more if I proceeded correctly. By responding with the appropriate body language etc. But my window of opportunity already passed and she left thinking I wasn't interested in her. I don't think I can go back and explain things, because it kinda sets a red flag for them, that we aren't compatible. I can't really agree with that, because in my mind I always run the what if. But maybe she was right and knowing already upfront that we weren't compatible.

Is there hope for us? Yes I think so, I think there are women out there that are geared towards us Aspie men. I think it takes a certain kind of personality of a woman that reads us better than the other women would have. We just need to go and find them.

^ sounds like very good advice

I think NT men often get confused with me because I don't do that signaling properly..or they signal me, but I don't react how I am supposed to..idk.. I think you are right in that the timing is very important, and if you miss that crucial window, you can forget it. Seems a bit harsh, but I've noticed it both when I was interested in someone and they shut me down and when others were interested in me and I didn't feel it was the right time for me. With some people it goes back and forth forever - it's exhausting and difficult to stop, so sometimes I have to avoid people all together because they are always in the wrong phase for me. Non-matching biorhythms are certainly a big incompatibility problem.

Yeah, I'm the same way. I was recently in a situation where a guy was giving me all the signals that an NT woman would have picked up on... and then later my NT friend told me what was happening. So I miss out on the timing altogether.

Someone please tell me what's rational and straightforward about NT dating rules...

@ Stalk: Thanks for all that you wrote. Wow, I never really knew any of that. I feel enlightened and perplexed at the same time, if that's even possible (I mean that in a good way)

Not much, I'd say. And this in a civilization whose roots are purportedly in rationality

It opens up entirely different problems to be sure, but I keep thinking that societies where marriages are just arranged probably have a higher percentage of non-cool, socially awkward men (not necessarily autistic, but maybe even a higher percentage of Aspies) paired off as a matter of course, and not because they must rely on their brilliant social instincts to succeed or even be considered worthy (as is certainly the case in the west by and large).

I can agree that the random encounter approach to finding a partner is an epic failure for many Aspies.

I am so tempted to go and buy a Filipino wife, see how that works out.

Thank goodness I am completely out of the dating scene....

The formula used may apply for an NT women & an Aspie man but not an Aspie women & an NT man. Aspergers is thought by some to be a more extreme male brain so an Aspie woman would be from Earth or maybe Jupiter instead of Venus

Married?