Explosive meltdowns are ruining my life.

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Okay I have had serious problems with meltdowns all my life. The scary angry explosive kind where I become abusive. I believe I am horrible person. I have caused so much pain on other people that it is very hard to cope with it.

I have been to counseling pretty much all life and have tried to get help over and over and it never helps that much. Is part of me rejecting help because somehow I get off on this anger.

The last girlfriend I had was scared of me and had to leave because of it. I feel horrible about it that I was abusive to her. I feel like I am a horrible person.

For the most part it is verbal and I destroy objects, walls, doors and anything you can think of. I have thrown things through windows. The same window twice got fixed then i broke it again. My parents have to move me out so they can spend $30,000 repairing the damage because they need to sell the house.

I mean I have quite a bit of abuse in my childhood and teenage years. Bullying where I learned to lash out at 10 years old. And also sexual abuse. My reactions have almost become an acceptable thing in my mind. My parents tried their best to raise me and teach right from wrong. I sometimes blame my parents for not protecting me. I felt I had to deal with everything myself in the improper way.

I believe I may have either oppositional defiance disorder or maybe Intermittent explosive disorder. Although I was never diagnosed with these. I have also tried countless medications for my explosive anger mostly anti psychotics and Anti Depressants. None of them seemed to help.

I basically am at my wits end with this. I do not know where I can live. I mean I am so afraid I will end up in legal trouble at some point. I mean destruction of property is a misdemeanor I think and disturbing the peace could be another thing I might deal with at some point.

I scare people. I even think I have Anti-social tendencies. I vary rarely get along with most people I live with. I know I am not crazy and I do not have Antisocial Personality disorder. I mean this is usually way more severe and can lead to killing people, It is basically the same as psychopath or sociopath. I know for a fact I am not those. Not even close. I have a conscience and feel horrible after every episode.

I have found that these episodes are rooted in injustice and feeling like I will not get something I need or want. It tends to happen when people do not listen to me. And it generally happens if I feel disrespected even if it is really not happening that I am being ignored or disrespected. I perceive that I am being threatened in some way. It starts the natural endorphins and the fight or flight response.

My problem seems more severe than just an aspie problem. Like it is directly linked with being abused. I know some people that are abused turn into abusers.

I know I have a problem and I know I need help. I always realize after an episode that I was wrong for doing it. I mean sometimes I cry after an episode.

Well, my own experience with my own explosive anger is that it's pretty much gone away since my celiac diagnosis and I went gluten free.
I do still get plenty angry, but it's not explosive, not that chain-reaction tumbling until I explode. I nearly always cried afterwards then too. Then I'd usually go to sleep.
I think that half my issue isn't/wasn't even the auto-immune reaction of gluten but just how exhausted I was all the time. It's odd though, because at the time, even though I knew I was quite tired, it took years before it hit me just how my tiredness affected the rest of my mood. You know an overtired kid, the one who throws a tantrum about something even though they generally might be emotionally stable, and the parents just know that they should have sent the kid to bed sooner, yet the kid will deny feeling tired yet fall asleep fairly readily? Well, that's the closest example I have for me. It's like my emotions were always on a frayed leash that could easily break, whereas most people have a nice, well-woven leash they choose to let out when things get really, really bad.
I guess with that said, have you looked into a possible medical reason beyond a mental illness or mental issue that might be wrong?

As to finding a place to live, there's a lot to consider. Will your anger be lessened by living on your own such that you might not have to worry about how much you destroy a place? It sounds like you've lived with your parents a long time and have some anger and disappointment towards them, perhaps living away from home will help you a lot?
What about roommates? Can you afford to have your own place?
If you are certain that you are likely to wreak damage to a place, could you get an insurance policy to cover it?
What about living in a slum where the landlord isn't likely to care about more damage done to the place?
Could you somehow make it such that you simply will be highly unlikely to be angry at home? Like don't talk to certain people on the phone at home, or text them while indoors at your home.
Would it help if you invested in a punching bag?
Are there any imminent signs that you know of such that you can get away and go somewhere where it'd be fine to break something?
If the previous sentence applies, you could look for a place that's next to woods or someplace run down such that you can get there really, really quickly just by running out your front door.

I wouldn't worry so much about the legal problems. Getting a fine or even going to jail really isn't all that bad. Sounds like you have the self-control to stay away from people when you're raging, and that's really, really good. That's the most important thing. Everything else is just stuff.

I had bad meltdowns with my parents as a kid & teen. They were mostly verbal abuse & horrible temper-tantrums that really angered, frustrated & sometimes scared my mom. I was bullied alot at school till I switched schools in the middle of 6th grade. I resented & hated my parents for forcing me to go to school when they knew I was getting bullied. I also had some physical disabilities & dyslexia on top of my Aspergers that my parents were somewhat aware of but couldn't get diagnosed(except dyslexia & ADHD) which added to the reasons I was bullied & my parents & teachers did not really understand my issues or limitations. Like you I noticed my meltdowns were related to me feeling like I needed to stand up for myself for the various reasons you mentioned. I started gradually getting better after I graduated high-school because I wasn't facing the stress from school, parents on my back about me doing homework or on my back about my grades & how I needed to study that never helped me learn. Do you have any things going on in your life or environment that could be causing you to reach your limit on what you can handle? If so it may help if you try to address those things. You mentioned how you tried lots of meds but mostly antidepressants & antipsychotics. Have you tried any blood-pressure meds? Those are sometimes used to help relive stress. The Adrenal-gland is involved in that fight-or-flight response you mentioned & blood-pressure meds like Propranolol/Inderal can help suppress it. There's other types of meds & things you might could try that might reduce endorphins or other things involved in the fight-or-flight response that causes you to lash out but you'd have to research what things in the body are related to them & how they work & then research ways to suppress the things that produce those chemicals. I researched this alittle before but it wasn't recent & it's too complicated for me to explain.