Do female Aspies prefer male company over female?

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Callista
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29 Oct 2013, 11:34 pm

I don't have a preference. Heck, I hardly even have a gender.

I end up hanging out with more guys than girls, though, because guys tend to share more interests with me. I like gaming, science, and math--all "guy" stereotypical interests. Currently my closest friends are all male. Though I get my share of estrogen with the knitting club on Fridays, and about three-fourths of the amateur writers I talk to and collaborate with are female.

Gender really doesn't matter much. it's really the common interests that determine the friendships. At my last school I used to hang out with some other girls who were all into fantasy, role-playing, writing, and historical reenactment type stuff. Those were the first friends I ever had. I was in my early twenties at the time.


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30 Oct 2013, 3:59 pm

I prefer hanging out with quiet, not typically masculine men. A lot of females don't get me and I am completely lost in the conversation and I don't get on with overly masculine men so the only people left for me to have a decent conversation with are other eccentric females or quiet, passive men.


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Therese04
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30 Oct 2013, 4:35 pm

What characteristics would you say define "eccentric" just curious. Sometimes I feel like I want to be friends with women who are not into feminine things but they don't want to be friends with me. I look like a typical girly girl I guess by my hair and the way I dress so is that what makes these women shy away from me?

I am accepting of everyone so it is disappointing to me when I feel
rejected. I feel like I am being judged but for different reasons. Just because I like to do my hair and dress up doesn't mean I can't hold a conversation about something other than fashion. I am very friendly towards everyone but ai just feel that women who typically get along better than men dont like me and I am not sure why.

Any thoughts on this?



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30 Oct 2013, 5:46 pm

Therese04 wrote:
leafplant wrote:
Yea. I can't be having too many feelings.


That is so interesting. Why do you say that? You are really hitting on something I am trying to understand about a friend.

I guess I am that typical NT girl that loves talking about feelings etc. but I have a friend who seems uncomfortable with that. She is going through a difficult time and I understand bc I went through the same thing. I try to be uplifting etc. and the times I have shared my feelings with her or said nice things (probably touchy feely) (this was via email) she has told me to either hold back from expressing my thoughts and more recently said you can't tell me these things and I am not sure why.

Maybe you can shed some light.


Well, I don't know, I am not your friend but perhaps she doesn't connect in the same way you do. I definitely find myself burdened when people over-share, specially if it is about negative things. It's like - woa, why are you dumping all this in my lap..from my personal point of view, I'd feel like I am obliged to deal with your problem somehow. Not sure if your friend has the same attitude, but that is how I process this.

I find all feelings difficult to process, positive and negative, so trying to minimise that discomfort is always welcome.

Final thing - you did not go through the same thing as your friend. You went through your own thing. She is going through something different. If she is like me, she would feel resentful at the implication that you know what she is going through.

I know. So sorry, we are a major pain to be friends with! :oops:



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30 Oct 2013, 5:54 pm

Who_Am_I wrote:
Personally, I do. Guys tend to be more straightforward to deal with and I just click with them better.


Yes, this. Interestingly, I've known a few aspie guys who say they seem to click with women better, too. That said, you'd think we'd all have better luck in the dating arena than we often do.



yellowtamarin
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30 Oct 2013, 5:56 pm

Who_Am_I wrote:
Personally, I do. Guys tend to be more straightforward to deal with and I just click with them better.

Same. I prefer the company of straightforward PEOPLE, and they tend to be males more often than females.

I struggle to form bonds with most people, but the "typical female" is probably the hardest.



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30 Oct 2013, 6:43 pm

I would've said males in the past, but these days it's more like both genders. It depends who the person is. Men may be more straight forward and honest as friends (which I *love*) but often attraction gets in the way. Whichever side the attraction is from, men will be dishonest to try to impress you, or dishonest in order to get you to leave them alone. So once feelings are admitted, it's hard for me to appreciate male friendships when they become so full of lies.

Women on the other hand are also often dishonest in their own way and aren't straightforward when it comes to friendships. I often offend women for some reason. I think I appear "off" with them, but that tends to be with the kind of woman who think more highly of unnecessary social rules. I am friends with a couple of women who are a bit one-sided in their conversations, but they never take offense when I'm not up to seeing anyone.



Last edited by smudge on 30 Oct 2013, 6:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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30 Oct 2013, 6:51 pm

Yes, and vice versa (not a general rule).
I should quote Attbook, but I feel lazy tonight :P



droppy
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31 Oct 2013, 5:21 am

Personally, I do. Most guys I know are easier to deal with, while most girls I know tend to be emotional and also most of them seem to hate me, for some weird reason. Some of them cry a lot, and I don't like being around people who cry because I feel uncomfortable and don't know what to do and I just would like to go away when someone cries.
Also with guys you can talk about videogames while with most girls, excluding some exceptions, you can't seem to talk about anything different than make-up, clothes, hair and flirting with guys. Oh and with guys you can laugh about stuff without being told you're gross or cruel :lol:



Therese04
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31 Oct 2013, 6:46 am

leafplant wrote:
Well, I don't know, I am not your friend but perhaps she doesn't connect in the same way you do. I definitely find myself burdened when people over-share, specially if it is about negative things. It's like - woa, why are you dumping all this in my lap..from my personal point of view, I'd feel like I am obliged to deal with your problem somehow. Not sure if your friend has the same attitude, but that is how I process this.

I find all feelings difficult to process, positive and negative, so trying to minimise that discomfort is always welcome.

Final thing - you did not go through the same thing as your friend. You went through your own thing. She is going through something different. If she is like me, she would feel resentful at the implication that you know what she is going through.

I know. So sorry, we are a major pain to be friends with! :oops:

That's just the thing. I don't think you are a major pain to be friends with. Thanks for the insight. It's a rather long story but initially when it all happened she was very grateful that I reached out. Keep in mind this is a newer friend. I didnt really share much of my experience only bc ut happened over 7 years ago but what seemed to upset her the most was when I offered to "be there" and invited her out. She made me feel like I did something wrong. As far as the feelings are concerned its mostly when I say something nice about her. She seems to get overwhelmed.

I am trying to initate a friendship basically and that is what seems to be the biggest problem. Maybe she is just scared or truly doesn't want to be friends. Both responses are painful for me to hear bc I do really like her. Just trying to understand.



droppy
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31 Oct 2013, 10:53 am

Also-I find most girls I know to be weird.
Once in school I heard a girl saying that she found it flattering when guys, expecially the older ones, offered her drinks. I can't understand that. If a guy offered me a drink, I'd refuse it, and if they insisted, I'd probably get scared, punch them in the face and run away as far as possible from that person. I'd get even more scared if it were an older guy. I am a 16-year-old, I don't look older, and I'd think they were some f*cked up children molester trying to harm me. I'd neither trust a person my same age. Every person, my same age or older, might have put something in the drink to then rape or kidnap me with me incapable of defending myself.
Oh and while running away from them I'd watch out for possible accomplices. He might have some friends ready to get me if he didn't manage to.
When I said this that girl and the others around her got furious with my surprise, and they said that I was weird because a normal girl according to them would have found that flattering and then that I was a paranoid, then a lesbian, then a nun.



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31 Oct 2013, 11:56 am

I had more fun playing with boys when I was little,I liked to play with cars,dig,climb trees.
The same in high school,I liked heavy metal music,D&D,Science Fiction.Most girls didn't.
I had one close female friend a few years ago,we bonded over our love for animals.Then she dropped me like a hot potato.All I can think of is she though her husband had the hots for me.
I never picked up on that,but they got a divorce and he did show up here to announce that fact.
I never acted interested I him,I would have preferred remaining her friend.But I guess she was not much of one if she thought I was a home wrecker.I wasn't friendly when he showed up,I was in the yard and did NOT invite the ass in the house.He tried to get huggy.
The only close friend I have now is an eccentric male neighbor.We drink beer and debate.More fun than going to the mall for shopping.


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31 Oct 2013, 1:40 pm

I'll just say as a guy, I prefer the company of women.

I've found that guys tend to be verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive to each other. Women who prefer the company of men, are experiencing the way men treat women, not the way men treat men. Women who say that they are just "one of the guys" are not getting the true experience. Even if they are not sexually interested, men still treat women differently than they treat other men.

To be honest, I hate my own kind. Men are rude, disgusting, ugly creatures. I really don't know what you girls see in us.

And, yes, I fell victim to many wedgies & indian burns as a child.


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fleurdelily
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31 Oct 2013, 2:24 pm

<- this one does. Women play too many head games and they're flakey. They're not to be trusted.


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Callista
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31 Oct 2013, 2:34 pm

Well, okay, let's define "typical female" before we do anything else. Let's say, women who would score high on the MMPI female stereotype subscale; so for example they are highly communicative, social, tend to take care of others, enjoy things like crafts and child care, good at talking, tend toward social aggression rather than physical, prefer to avoid overt conflict, enjoy civilization rather than the outdoors, don't like getting dirty, etc.

Each person in this group is of course a unique individual; they just happen to have personalities that correlate highly with the stereotypical female.

The MMPI gender scale is practically useless in clinical terms, by the way. The MMPI itself is a bit dated. But it's the only official test I've taken with a gender scale, and it's widely used, so we might as well use it as our definition. It did agree with my own analysis of myself as androgynous--my score was unusually "male" for a female, but too "female" for a male.

So let's see... typical females. Well, there are a lot of them at the knitting group I go to on Fridays--women who are highly family-centric, very communicative, focusing on interpersonal relationships. I am on friendly terms with them, and they admire my ability to crochet quickly and neatly, but we haven't got much in common other than that. We swap patterns and look at each others' work and pool resources to donate blankets and other knitted and crocheted things to people who could use the morale boost that comes with having something handmade and pretty.

The way they react to me tends to be friendly, but we just don't have much in common. They see me as "cute", in a way, and I think I bring out their protective instincts. Many ultrafeminine people do have strong protective instincts--that's one of my own strongest feminine traits, too.

If they wanted to hurt me, they could. They have social power like you wouldn't believe. But they don't want to.


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