Aspie women attract aspie men?(Boyfriend/Ex Boyfriend Drama)

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missueannabelle
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01 Nov 2013, 7:41 pm

For me it seems to be true, this is a very long story- But I'm wondering if there are any other women with asperger's can relate to any of it. Either the attracting other aspies, or having an ex boyfriend become a special interest.
Well to start, when I was just beginning high school I met this guy (Karl) that was interested in me. I didn't think he really had that strong of feelings for me, because it seemed like he was kind of hitting on a lot of girls, and I was just another one of them. And I didn't see him as more than a friend. At this point it didn't go very far at all, and he was a grade below me so we ended up being at different schools the following year and we hadn't really talked anymore that year. So it was kind of forgotten..
Then, come the next year I met this guy (I'll call him Brad) that I was very interested in and I had heard from a mutual friend that he was interested in me too. I was 16 at the time, but emotionally younger. So I probably wasn't even ready for a relationship, but we both really had feelings for each other and I connected with him in a way that I hadn't ever been able to connect with anyone else.
Brad was incredibly sweet and I was so attracted to him, which is odd for me because usually I don't like being close to people at all. Hugging is usually terrible for me, but it was somehow different with him. He had a hard time with his family situation, but was always saying how happy I made him.
So anyways, he was a great boyfriend but I found out that he did have some issues at the time. My family was concerned and didn't want me seeing him, they were always very overprotective of me, and I think normally I would have rebelled against this but I was already kind of in this "too good to be true" mindset. Ex. If someone from school would suggest 'he doesn't seem to like you that much' or say something negative I would just believe it and it was starting to get into my head. So one day when I overheard him talking to this kid in class saying he was 'going to do it today' and that was just the way it had to be, I had assumed he was breaking up with me. And I knew that my family didn't want me seeing him anyways, so I reacted emotionally and called it quits before he could and I would feel rejected. It didn't solve the problem, though. And it was a wrongful assumption that I had made.
I was still thinking about him and trying to figure out how to talk to him. But then I found out from a friend that he was harming himself and blaming me. This was not long before he ended up in a hospital, which is what I had heard from the same friend.
He eventually came back, though. I never knew anything else about what had happened, but I was really obsessing about everything. This was some months after our break up, that I heard something about him talking to this other girl.
Ironically, at the same time, the guy that I mentioned at the beginning who was interested, Karl, was pursuing me again.
Karl had sent a rose to my class on valentines day, and Brad saw it.

I knew I didn't have feelings for Karl, and I guess what I was doing was competing with Brad. Things didn't work out with that girl and he kept trying to make me jealous. Eventually, though, he told me that I was all he could think about since our break up, and that he wanted to be with me. I really wish that I had been honest about my feelings, but for one thing, I had another special interest that was taking a lot of my attention at the time. Another was that I was still just really confused about what I was feeling. I didn't go back to the high school the next year, I homeschooled which was my families attempt at stopping the obsessiveness but really just enabled me to focus on the special interest more, which, at the time, was a soap opera. I would occasionally think about the good times I had with Brad and then shoo it out of my mind because I knew that I wasn't supposed to be thinking about him.. There was a point where I think I had even cured myself of my soap opera obsession, but then I was thinking about Brad so much and it was so hard to control that I made myself obsessed with the soap all over again. And I deleted my facebook and all forms of communication with the outside world for almost a year and didn't talk to anyone except for one girl that lives in my neighborhood. And that was only on occasion.
Well, it worked for a while but I couldn't shut it out completely. My grandmother and I were talking and she said that I was being way to obsessive about the soap and it needed to stop. And I actually agreed. So I just stopped.. Which was odd, normally I would have gotten mad if anyone had made the suggestion even. But I think it was just waiting to happen. I went without any special interest for maybe 3 days.. Then I had a dream about Brad. And it just never stopped. Even now.
At this point I tried to contact him on his cell phone number and got no response. It drove me crazy but I kept telling myself I deserved it for not considering his feelings before. I really beat myself up about it, and the obsessing didn't stop.
I kept hoping that I'd run into him by chance when I went out, since we live in the same town. I was out with my mother in this time period and heard a guy call me from behind. Thought it was Brad, but it was Karl. I kept running into Karl everywhere. And he lives farther away than Brad. O.o
It was 8 moths since my last attempt to contact him, and overall two years before I finally broke down and tried to contact Brad one last time. I hadn't expected him to answer. But he did. And he actually ended up pursuing ME. I was glad in a way that he hadn't answered me months ago when I texted his old number (got a new phone), because I would have been too emotional. I was able to play it cool now.
He was away at college, 2-3 hours away. But we were on the phone and skyping each other everyday. We got so close again, I couldn't believe that so little had changed.
Eventually he told me that he had aspergers syndrome (I didn't know that I had it yet). He found out that he had it around when we broke up last time. I didn't know much about it yet but didn't think it would change anything..
The thing is, he was the one who was keeping me on the phone for a really really long time. He wanted to talk to me day in and day out. He kept talking about his aspie obsessions which were different than mine. I guess I needed a break... But he didn't take to it well. He broke it off suddenly and blocked me on facebook and his phone so that I couldn't contact him. It still doesn't make sense, though, when he was the one who wanted to talk to me constantly..
In a weird way it was good that I had experienced the lack of response from him previously. Because I knew what to expect, and at least this time I knew that it wasn't my decision.

Ironically, right around the time he broke it off I met another guy, also named Brad, just walking down my street completely at random.
He told a friend that he was interested in me, and I really was just rebounding, thinking this would help to get over the original Brad. Or pass the time away until I heard from him again, which at the time I believed I would.
But anyhow, Brad #2 called the friend the next day, when I was with her. She had him on speakerphone, and he said "Yeah, just tell her that I met somebody else.. And I'm getting married."
I met a friend of his, Johnny, shortly after, who was interested. But then I realized that I didn't even want a relationship.
I tried going out to college full time. It didn't last long, though. I had the same kind of issues there that I did in high school. In fact, a lot of the kids that were bullying me in high school all went to the same community college I was at.
I got kind of curious about aspergers and researched a bit. I eventually realized that I had it. And soon found out that my mother already knew that I had it for years, as an elementary school psychologist had suggested we see a specialist, but nobody ever followed up. I've been in treatment now which has been very helpful.
But back to what happened with Brad, the original one.. He finally unblocked me a few months later. And coincidentally within the few days following this, I had heard the Brad#2 was thinking about me.. Which was weird because when we met it was so brief, and this was months ago. But I guess he was only with the girl that he was "getting married" to for a few weeks. And he wanted to talk to me. So I got together with him a few times, he ended up being very interested. And I realized that I wasn't as interested... But something else that I noticed was that every time Brad #2 and I would talk on facebook, Brad#1 would have some kind of reaction to it. We have a few mutual friends and its hard to explain but I figured out that he definitely was looking at my stuff.. I really wouldn't have guessed it. But it went on for months.
And he started to sort of play games, as an example, he had posted this love meter thing on my wall back when we were together. I would notice when I look down my timeline that he would turn it on, and then so many hours later it would be taken down again...

And another thing that happened recently, was I got a strange friend request that was there for so many hours and then disappeared. He did something similar to this the first time that we broke up. He admitted it later on. And this time it was only a few weeks ago.. I would have just said it was a coincidence had the friend request not gotten removed, because this is exactly the way that he operates. Even when we first started talking, he would send me messages and then think about it later and delete it. He's shy and I guess he second guesses himself. So its just something that he would do. And he has done the fake friend request thing before..
The thing is he's been claiming to be in a relationship with this girl, who's a few years older than him and lives 16 hours away. And claims to be 'in love'. I panicked when I first saw it but I don't know what to believe, because he has played games trying to make me jealous before. This could be him competing with what he perceives as a relationship between me and Brad#2.. I'm not in a relationship with him, though, because can be really controlling and not someone that I would be good in a relationship with. And not only that, I'm just going to be thinking about Brad#1 anyways.
Also, I ran into Karl outside of the place that I go for therapy and figured out that we have the same psychologist. Who is an aspergers specialist. That's how I figured out that he has it too.
He told me a while back that he loves me and I told him that I couldn't say it back because I wouldn't mean it and it wouldn't be fair. Then he kissed me.. I really wish I could be his friend because he's a nice person but I don't have those kind of feelings for him. I hope that I'm not his special interest like Brad#1 is to me, because that would make me feel terrible, knowing the way that everything with Brad has affected me. I've known him for so long and want to keep him as a friend. Do guys ever experience having a girl as their special interest?
Brad #2 is bipolar but has a ton of aspergers-like symptoms. I have an interest in psychology anyways so it really has me thinking.
Well this has turned out pretty long, and complicated, but thank you to anyone who read it. :D I guess the bottom line is, I'm really starting to think that I attract other aspies.



LucySnowe
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01 Nov 2013, 8:36 pm

I think I can relate. I have an old boyfriend from way back who turned into one of my special interests (even though I didn't know I had AS at the time!). I would analyze his behavior constantly, try to see whether or not he was into me, etc. He's also the only real relationship-ish that I've had, so I think it's easy to fixate on what happened, what went wrong, etc. And I have no other relationship experience to compare it to. But I've also had plenty of crushes/non-mutual obsessions where almost the exact same thing happened.

And like attracts like for sure. That guy I was talking about? I think he's got autistic traits, too (not diagnosed, and I think he spent a lot of time in his head rationalizing it away or ignoring it).



missueannabelle
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01 Nov 2013, 9:02 pm

Hi Lucy, thanks for the reply. It really helps to hear that I'm not the only one who's gone through this. About how long did he remain your special interest, if you don't mind my asking?
I'm just hoping that something good will come of this, and that he'll reach out to me on his own eventually. :roll: But I don't know, a lot of mixed messages.
I also feel bad about the other guy that was involved, not sure how to handle it. Its strange for me to think that both of the guys ended up having aspergers and I didn't even know until years later.



AnodyneInsect
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30 May 2017, 12:34 pm

It would be neat to do statistics on this. I am considered ASD and most likely an aspie, my guy is an aspie. I have heard of NT females dating aspie men but not heard much about aspie women dating NT men most likely due to the fact that there is barely any information available about aspie and asd women to begin with. :roll:



katdances
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03 Feb 2018, 11:17 pm

LucySnowe wrote:
I think I can relate. I have an old boyfriend from way back who turned into one of my special interests (even though I didn't know I had AS at the time!). I would analyze his behavior constantly, try to see whether or not he was into me, etc. He's also the only real relationship-ish that I've had, so I think it's easy to fixate on what happened, what went wrong, etc. And I have no other relationship experience to compare it to. But I've also had plenty of crushes/non-mutual obsessions where almost the exact same thing happened.

And like attracts like for sure. That guy I was talking about? I think he's got autistic traits, too (not diagnosed, and I think he spent a lot of time in his head rationalizing it away or ignoring it).


Ok, I feel like I'm reading about myself. I have no clue about this "special interest" thing. Might have happened to me since nothing ever happened with this guy and it took me years to get over the idea of him. I've also had many crushes that were non mutual (That I know of) that never became anything and I would fixate a lot in their actions towards me, even if (the rational side of me) would think I'm overdoing it. Ugh it's weird.

I'm looking it up. Still very knew to all of this so thank you everyone for sharing.