hard time getting over break up

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shiflimtamfloo
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04 Nov 2013, 3:03 pm

Hi, you may have seen my posts on here, they basically are all about the same thing, were I was saying I might break up, then I did. Now I'm moved out and not even in the same area I was with her. It's been pretty hard the past weekend, it was a very slow break up. The thing is we've still been talking via text. I guess we might just be friends, and that's why we're still talking and caring about how the other one is. It was such a like, stressful relationship. We just didn't work and never could really compromise or be understanding enough to the other. Just wondering if you guys had anything like this and how you got over it.

I'm not really interested in trying to date again for a little while. But I'm wondering if we keep talking if that's good or bad, like will I not get over it if we keep talking? We were together 3 years and lived together about 2. But then I thought last night that 'sometime soon we just won't really talk' and just got so sad about it. I even told her about it. She's been very nice and we're talking about everything still. I've been very sad at times this weekend about it. Very sad, my last breakup was like only a relief. I wasn't sad hardly at all. This one really hits hard. On the day I left we both cried and hugged each other. It was the saddest and hardest thing I've ever done I think.

But before you suggest maybe we could go back together, I mean it was very hard. We had very few good, stress free times. The only thing is how sad we were about me leaving, and how we seem like better friends now. I guess that happens sometimes? Has anyone else had a break up like this? Where you really care about each other but it just didn't work and are maybe just better as friends?



aspiesandra27
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04 Nov 2013, 3:40 pm

Yes. I can relate. But in your case, it suggests you were both equally happy with the decision to break up?

I don't have a lot of relationship experience, but I have had that happen to me with the one person I loved (love according to me and not the cliche love).

I think different personalities play different parts in the decision to be friends or not. If the incompatibility was because you were bickering about everything, but you still fancied and loved each other, then it might be that it could be re-kindled at some point, depending on how you both move on or not.

If you were living together, but just like friends, then being apart is probably going to intensity and strengthen your friendship.

It's hard to give an opinion because everyone is different.

I had to measure what would be worse. To cut all ties and have nothing, or to keep someone in my life as a friend, when I really also wanted him as a lover.

But who knows what the future might being, huh? :D



leafplant
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04 Nov 2013, 3:44 pm

Hi, I can relate..twice or three times (with different people I mean)

I think you are right in that it becomes necessary to not talk at some point. Not in a bad way but just to give yourself that space to properly transition from bonded feelings to being properly single feelings. It will be a painful process full of sadness and it will take time. This is how it works. If you concentrate more on doing stuff you enjoy doing and don't wallow too much in what could have been/what never was/ all that stuff, then it will be somewhat easier. You must know you have made the right decision so just take comfort in that thought whenever it gets tough. At some point you may be able to be friends but you will never be able to have the same kind of closeness - that's just how it has to be (or if you can't manage that then it's better to not try to be friends)

Anyway, good luck.



shiflimtamfloo
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05 Nov 2013, 10:38 am

Thanks a lot. Yeah, it was a mutual break-up. We went back and forth about breaking up so many times. There were a lot of bad fights. I mean I guess it's easy to forget all that stuff after. We were living just like friends for awhile. Probably like over a year we were. We actually had a hard time being physical for some reason. We were at first then like it kinda dwindled. Like I had a hard time with it really. Like didn't feel comfortable enough in that way with her. It was like almost a challenge when we were physical. So I guess it'll probably be just more like a friendship. But yeah it'll be weird to like move on then while still being friends and talking with her. But there's certain things that don't seem like they could be just fixed in the future. We like just butted heads and then never really came to a conclusion on anything. Honestly everything had to go her way, but she felt like she had to do things my way all the time. But that actually wasn't true. I usually needed more time to think and plan out things and she wanted to just go ahead and do them. If we could have like compromised or just relaxed and listened to the other and been compassionate it would've been different.

It is very rough loving someone so much and having to end it. It sounds like you thought yours would last or wanted it to. How did you get over him (or did you) With mine we both knew it wasn't working and was dumb to keep going through the same thing. We were both in like a depression for a long time just not really facing it. We also were pretty different. She was very talkative and I'm not really. She would constantly want me to talk as much as she did it seemed like. She's a lot more outgoing too. Our differences could've been dealt with though but we just couldn't make it work.



aspiesandra27
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05 Nov 2013, 3:45 pm

I'm not over it yet. I just live each day as it comes. It's all I can do.



punkguy378
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05 Nov 2013, 5:34 pm

shiflimtamfloo wrote:
Hi, you may have seen my posts on here, they basically are all about the same thing, were I was saying I might break up, then I did. Now I'm moved out and not even in the same area I was with her. It's been pretty hard the past weekend, it was a very slow break up. The thing is we've still been talking via text. I guess we might just be friends, and that's why we're still talking and caring about how the other one is. It was such a like, stressful relationship. We just didn't work and never could really compromise or be understanding enough to the other. Just wondering if you guys had anything like this and how you got over it.

I'm not really interested in trying to date again for a little while. But I'm wondering if we keep talking if that's good or bad, like will I not get over it if we keep talking? We were together 3 years and lived together about 2. But then I thought last night that 'sometime soon we just won't really talk' and just got so sad about it. I even told her about it. She's been very nice and we're talking about everything still. I've been very sad at times this weekend about it. Very sad, my last breakup was like only a relief. I wasn't sad hardly at all. This one really hits hard. On the day I left we both cried and hugged each other. It was the saddest and hardest thing I've ever done I think.

But before you suggest maybe we could go back together, I mean it was very hard. We had very few good, stress free times. The only thing is how sad we were about me leaving, and how we seem like better friends now. I guess that happens sometimes? Has anyone else had a break up like this? Where you really care about each other but it just didn't work and are maybe just better as friends?


I had a similar breakup. Very slow. But we are pretty much not talking anymore period. We blocked each other from contact. I actually cancelled my facebook page because I do not want to see anything about her.

Not sure what I can tell you to help. It is rough and for me it was the end of a volatile and toxic relationship at a distance. We lived 900 hundred miles apart. It got to the point where she hung up on me almost every night because I chose to be a complete jerk to her. I tried so hard to mend it with her but it ended in a huge blowout that I am still feeling after two weeks. Worst mistake of my life trying to date this woman. She was completely toxic for me. it was a toxic love. She showed me little respect and I felt I deserved to be mistreated.

She was an aspie and had the typical insensitive uncaring way about her. But so did I. A match made in hell!

I am the last person anyone wants to date right now since I am volatile and toxic after this last relationship. She gave me at least a dozen or more chances but still I would have done anything for another chance. Just one more. I was working on it but it was too late I suppose. I loved her. I still love her and it pains me to see the end even though I suffered. The things I do for love no one should have to go through this.

Maybe it wasn't love maybe I know nothing of love. But I wanted her. I know that. I now have to let her go. Leave her be because I still love her in some weird way. Cannot explain it. For me to stay with her means I do not love her. Deep down I want what is best for her even through all the venomous words spoken to her by me at the end. She bit back though and said she was engaged to someone else.

We cannot be in each other's lives. Period. I cannot be friends with her after the fact and neither could she. She said I was the worst relationship she ever had. She told me she was in the hospital for trying to kill herself because of me. She blamed me for her depression and everything else. That was the most painful thing for me to hear. Then she gave me another chance and a month or two later she finally ended it. I should have never convinced her to come back. Nothing good came of it.

Sorry to go on and on. I feel what you are feeling. I know what it feels like to be in a break up situation. It is way too emotional and I need a rest.



TreeShadow
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05 Nov 2013, 5:39 pm

I was in a relationship with someone for 7 years (we lived together for 4.5 years), and we broke up about a year ago. Even though we actually got along, it was more as friends than lovers. And he was changing into a different person, which even he admitted, so many things we used to have in common were gone.

I still think that he is a good person, but I just could not be friends with him. For me it was best to cut off all contact. It was too painful to be reminded of our history together every time I spoke to him or saw him. I would say that I am over him and I no longer miss him, but that doesn't mean I don't get sad about it sometimes. I am not so much sad about HIM, because I know it wouldn't have worked, but I am sad about the future that I thought I was going to have, that I would be married and maybe having kids by now instead of being single. And I just miss the familiarity. When you are with someone for that long, they become such an integral part of your routine, and when they are gone that is completely disrupted. It definitely took a lot of stressful adjustment to learn to live on my own, without having a companion to rely on. For a while it was difficult because I kept running into things that he used to be a part of, that I now had to do on my own. Like he used to always take my car for an oil change, and the first time I had to do it myself I cried. Not because I wanted him there, but because the change in routine was overwhelming. However, as time has gone on, I have developed new routines and there are more and more things that I have done without him, so I don't think about him as much. I think it was better that he was not in my life during this past year as a friend even, because if he was I'm not sure I would have been able to get over him in the amount of time that I did.



shiflimtamfloo
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06 Nov 2013, 11:06 am

AspieSandra, That's true. Well there's obviously something else out there for you. How long have you been broken up?
Punkguy, that sounds pretty rough. But it seems like you guys weren't right for each other right away probably. I've said some stuff I regret to this girl for sure, she would make me feel bad about a lot of stuff, but she wouldn't use a lot of hurtful words per say so I don't wanna do that in another relationship. But that's how I feel about my situation I guess. But I always went back and forth in the relationship and asked myself if it was just me, but there was way too much of my own compromising going on. And I just didn't feel comfortable. I see a couple though like my sister and brother in law, and they can totally just be themselves. They do argue or bicker a lot, but it seems like it's fine. So even though they are both stubborn and maybe too alike in that way, it still totally works, they just got married in september. Me and my now ex actually went to the wedding and she almost didn't go since we were already broken up by then but didn't tell everyone. It was awkward being there with her but it was a great experience anyway.

Treeshadow, wow that must have been very hard. We were together over 3 years. I can't imagine if it was that long. It's so hard even right now. I can hardly imagine what a divorce must be like. I've still been talking to my ex ever since I left though. I don't know if it's a good idea but I guess it has been helping. But then when I think about us not talking I get very depressed. But I have been way less stressed out here which is good. It's too bad you had to cut off all contact, but I understand. When I think of my ex like it's in the past, it makes me very sad. But then I think of all the frustration we had, all the stress and I just calm down. I've just shared everything with her for so long, we shared everything together. And I could share my feelings and stuff. I guess I'll just have to find someone else to do that with. It just seems hard when I even take a look at anyone on online dating. My ex was online, but she barely had a profile because she wasn't really looking, just casually on there. I think of most girls and I just get down because I think a lot of girls are difficult also just in different ways. Not that I'm not difficult.