How do you know if a guy likes you or wants to be friends?

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Eureka13
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14 Jan 2014, 6:36 pm

It may be where Boo lives that gives him the impression he has formed that men never talk about their problems with women. Lord knows, all of the ones I've ever met seem to talk incessantly about their problems with women, but getting turned down by someone they just met is not something that seems to bother them much. I think maybe the difference is that, because women tend to be more selective about who they're willing to go out with, by the time they get up the nerve to ask, they've got a lot more invested in the outcome, so it really is more devastating to them to be turned down.



sk8r44809
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14 Jan 2014, 7:23 pm

Oh hey Alycat, congratulations! I'm so happy that worked out for you!

I'm interested in how this conversation has developed since I was last here, also. Boo, you do kind of strike me as abrasive, but I often like that in people. My experience is that guys are at least less likely to share emotions with me personally... it seems like we are less fluent expressing emotions in general. I have also heard multiple sources say things about women being much more prone to "tend and befriend" as one author put it... which is also I think why men are somewhat more prone to suicide, as I think you said earlier. I also read once that men tend to be far worse off than their wives after a divorce... men seem to have a lot more to lose in terms of being a functional and emotionally healthy person, once their wives aren't around to help them sort their feelings out. So that's maybe a different take on that part of the discussion...

And as for men being more accustomed to rejection, I think I see the point, but it's probably more indicative of a wider cultural shift than it is a display of any shortcoming in females as a gender :) historically, men are the ones who ask, and go "out on a limb," as it were. I think this means a couple things... for one thing I imagine we men have some strength in the area of shrugging off emotional pain (which is not to say we are necessarily any better processing it... only that we pick ourselves up and keep rolling quicker and apparently easier... there is every chance in my opinion that we are worse for not processing it more vulnerably with our friends), and then on the other hand it means that for most of our history rejection has looked very different for women. A man asks a question or makes a proposal of some kind, and for the most part rejection is just getting something besides a yes.

You have now been officially rejected, one time, and you can instantly commence working through it. Which, like someone said, feels a lot like merely "striking out" this time around... knowing full well you'll get plenty more chances in the future. It sucks, for sure, but it's relatively brief, and the option to set your sights elsewhere is instantly open.

For the traditional womanly role, on the other hand, rejection looked like a vague waiting period. "You know you got rejected because... well, I mean you MIGHT have been rejected. He certainly hasn't said anything YET... but maybe he doesn't know you like him? Maybe yours is one of those stories that takes a while?... maybe he's still getting over someone else who was really bad for him anyway?... That other guy seems to like you, even if you did get rejected by the one you actually DO like, maybe you're just only good enough to get SOME of what you want?... blah blah blah."
All legitimate concerns to have, all toxic eventually, and they tend to lend themselves to a much more complicated, more troubling, more drawn out version of rejection. It's the sort of questioning that even I obsess over... it seems like the traditional female role in dating was made deliberately to leave you open to this kind of obsession and worry.

Does this make any sense? The game is changing and more and more of the population is comfortable with blurring the gender role lines and accepting that women can initiate as well... but it's still in progress so the consequences of the old way are certainly still around.



Eureka13
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14 Jan 2014, 8:40 pm

^^ I do agree with this.

I guess that my experience from hearing guys talk (and I've had way more guy friends throughout my life than girl friends), a simple turndown does not create emotional pain.

Once it gets to the relationship stage, yeah, I think guys have a harder time dealing with the loss. Most of the guys I've known, though, have viewed asking girls on dates to be more of a game than an emotional investment. "Striking out" is just one of the hazards of the game.

Obviously, I think the above applies more to NTs than to Aspies. I haven't known that many Aspie men in person, so they may take a turndown just as hard as any woman might.....

Also, this may be to some large extent a generational thing. When I was growing up, "nice" girls did not even call boys, much less ask them out on dates. I do see that the playing field seems to be a bit more level these days, so maybe younger women are getting used to being the one doing the asking.....



Stalk
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15 Jan 2014, 4:21 am

Men don't talk to me about their problems. Ever! Sometimes a woman tries, then I remind her of me. Conversation mostly stops there.



Cafeaulait
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15 Jan 2014, 6:47 am

He's sooooooooooooooooooo f*****g adorable but he is one of those guys with quite some female friends. Also, in class he behaves friendly to everyone which makes it really hard for me to discern whether he likes me in a different way from to others. He does approach me when I am sitting alone in class and everyone is chatting to each other to ask how I am or to make a little joke. But that might also be because he's just so sociable.



Cafeaulait
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15 Jan 2014, 11:04 am

Whenever I ask him questions on facebook like: 'when do we have to hand in assignment 2?' or 'do you know of we have a test on thrusday?' he responds in a very literal way and he doesn't make any effort to send something cheeky back or make it into a conversation. If he really liked me, wouldn't he have grasped those chances? It's so hard to discern whether guys are oblivious or just not interested



KingofKaboom
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15 Jan 2014, 11:05 am

Cafeaulait wrote:
Whenever I ask him questions on facebook like: 'when do we have to hand in assignment 2?' or 'do you know of we have a test on thrusday?' he responds in a very literal way and he doesn't make any effort to send something cheeky back or make it into a conversation. If he really liked me, wouldn't he have grasped those chances? It's so hard to discern whether guys are oblivious or just not interested
He's answering your questions. If you want a conversation try starting one.


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Cafeaulait
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15 Jan 2014, 11:15 am

KingofKaboom wrote:
Cafeaulait wrote:
Whenever I ask him questions on facebook like: 'when do we have to hand in assignment 2?' or 'do you know of we have a test on thrusday?' he responds in a very literal way and he doesn't make any effort to send something cheeky back or make it into a conversation. If he really liked me, wouldn't he have grasped those chances? It's so hard to discern whether guys are oblivious or just not interested
He's answering your questions. If you want a conversation try starting one.


Perhaps you're right. Maybe I am expecting too much of him and he's probably just oblivious...



KingofKaboom
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15 Jan 2014, 11:57 am

Cafeaulait wrote:
KingofKaboom wrote:
Cafeaulait wrote:
Whenever I ask him questions on facebook like: 'when do we have to hand in assignment 2?' or 'do you know of we have a test on thrusday?' he responds in a very literal way and he doesn't make any effort to send something cheeky back or make it into a conversation. If he really liked me, wouldn't he have grasped those chances? It's so hard to discern whether guys are oblivious or just not interested
He's answering your questions. If you want a conversation try starting one.


Perhaps you're right. Maybe I am expecting too much of him and he's probably just oblivious...
Well you seem to be expecting him to know what YOU want him to do, men aren't mind readers sadly.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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15 Jan 2014, 2:37 pm

Cafeaulait wrote:
Whenever I ask him questions on facebook like: 'when do we have to hand in assignment 2?' or 'do you know of we have a test on thrusday?' he responds in a very literal way and he doesn't make any effort to send something cheeky back or make it into a conversation. If he really liked me, wouldn't he have grasped those chances? It's so hard to discern whether guys are oblivious or just not interested



lol What else he should say? You wanna just sit there and you want him to read your mind + make all the first moves + making him attracted toward you without any tiny effort?

If asking about assignment means that the girl is attracted to the guy then I should had dated half the girls in my class back then.


Women....



Cafeaulait
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20 Jan 2014, 5:51 am

Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

A girl from my group just told me he already has a girlfriend, but only recently. Astudymate (girl) told me she had a short conversation with him in which he told that he was never good with girls but a few weeks ago he met someone that he connects with and she slept over with him, after talking about it with his parents.
I want to kill myself. I really do.



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20 Jan 2014, 6:48 am

Cafeaulait wrote:
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

A girl from my group just told me he already has a girlfriend, but only recently. Astudymate (girl) told me she had a short conversation with him in which he told that he was never good with girls but a few weeks ago he met someone that he connects with and she slept over with him, after talking about it with his parents.
I want to kill myself. I really do.


Is he by any chance an extrovert?



Cafeaulait
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20 Jan 2014, 10:05 am

Stalk wrote:
Cafeaulait wrote:
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

A girl from my group just told me he already has a girlfriend, but only recently. Astudymate (girl) told me she had a short conversation with him in which he told that he was never good with girls but a few weeks ago he met someone that he connects with and she slept over with him, after talking about it with his parents.
I want to kill myself. I really do.


Is he by any chance an extrovert?


He says he is INTJ/INFJ but he's pretty sociable and easily talks to everyone. He did tell my studymate he's not really good at the 'girl stuff'.



thewhitrbbit
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20 Jan 2014, 11:15 am

I think that guys are simplier with determining like vs friend, but today's new metrosexuals and thugs seem to want to emulate women's vagueness.

For me, if I like a girl, I will talk to her more, ask her questions about herself. I will make time for her, help her out, and ask her out. If she asks, it will be more enthusiastic.

If i'm only interested as a friend, I will stress the word friend more.

If I'm not interested, I'll say so.

My room mate seems to date these guys who are just as complex as women when it comes to figuring out interest.