Confused.. Online relationship

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Jetpilot12
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19 Nov 2013, 12:56 pm

Me and this girl have dated for 3 months now. The girl has aspergers. We constantly say i love you to each other, but as of late things have gotten weird. The first two months we non-stopped skyped and talked to each other, sometime we'd leave the cams on for 4 days, note this was before she started school. However once her university started she went into complete shut down mode. We rarely talk and hardly skype (maybe once every 3 week). I've confronted her about and she says she really busy. As her bf i would love to be able to have a converstion with her on a daily basis, however I did come to terms to realize that maybe she is getting stressed due to her work load. So I layed off, I sent her messages here and there to no avail. Sometimes she replies and sometimes she doesnt. I've confronted her about it and she says she still likes me and that she doesnt want to break up and its because of her work load.. The problem is i dont know why she doesnt want to respond to my messages on fb. Id send a message and probably won't see a response for days. I dont know if she is avoiding me or what.. I love her, I am just looking to see if this is normal behavior. It also should be noted that I have never met anybody with aspergers. She lives in Sweden and I live in the US. Thanks for the help.



aspiemike
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19 Nov 2013, 1:18 pm

Aside from Aspergers, girl's don't like to feel pressured into doing things. They have to prioritize their life accordingly and they have to fit time for all work and people that matter to them. They like to feel comfortable and they need validation. Her Asperegers will require more validation than usual as that is my understanding of how it works. I think you might be getting anxious and should step back and see how things work out. Maybe it's time to let her chase you and see if she initiates any contact with you.


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Sherry221B
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19 Nov 2013, 2:19 pm

There must be a reason for why she is avoiding you. It's not normal that it has passed to saying " I love you" to each other every day, to hardly have any contact now. Trust me, she's hiding something from you, and doesn't want to tell you what is it. Perhaps she has found someone else, and she is secretly planning on leaving you, but is just finding the good moment to tell you that she doesn't want you anymore? Haven't you thought about that? When someone becomes do distant, all of sudden, and without reason (she's obviously using the university thing as an excuse to avoid you), it's because something is going on, and for some reason she doesn't want to tell you. How can't you know that, while you're feeling sad missing her, wondering how she is, what is going on with her, if she misses you too or not, that she might be talking with some other guy? You have her in Facebook. Have you seen if she has been acting in there in an inappropriate way with some other guy? Why has she passed from saying "I love you" everyday to just say " I still like you"? That's not good signal at all. Something is going on in there. Communication is very important in a relationship. If you are with someone, you have to feel that you are able to confide everything to each other, and she will be there to help you. You must be there for each other. She's not being "there". It becomes with being distant, then something else will happen. You have to fix that soon, or she may break your heart into tiny pieces. You should be worried about the situation: It's all very beautiful at the beginning, then, things like this start to happen, and many more.



Jetpilot12
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19 Nov 2013, 2:48 pm

Yeah that's what I was thinking, we've had arguments about the whole situation and I specifically asked her if she wanted to break up and she said no. My birthday was the other day and she sent me a message saying happy birthday and said she bought me a card and stuff. I guess I should also note that she is very sick, she has Insomia, Asthma, and a deadly kidney disease. She has had a bad history with bf's, one abused her. I do not know if she is toying with me or what it is... Mixed emotions. I have stayed loyal to her since the day we started dated, denied 3 women. I like her a lot.... but is it worth the hurt?



Sherry221B
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19 Nov 2013, 3:23 pm

But, there's no reason to argue really: You are her boyfriend. You should be one of her priorities, and at least talk to you for a few minutes, instead of avoiding you like she's doing. Having a little time for each other is something more important than gifts. Ok, she didn't forget your birthday, but if she doesn't want to break up, why her attitude has changed all of sudden? It doesn't make any sense. You should both take the relationship seriously, because a relationship is between two people, and she shouldn't have to be avoiding you like that, I she doesn't actually have nothing to hide. Something's missing in here. She's sick so, she should have to let you to support her emotionally. You could perfectly get sick too, but would you avoid having contact with her if you were? I don't think so. Trust is also important. She must have very clear that she knows you wouldn't hurt her. That's still no reason to ignore you like that. Have you told her how bad you feel about her being so distant all of sudden? You must be there for each other for good, and for bad, not one feels like talking to the other. If you have told her how you feel about this, how has she reacted? You should ask her if she's taking the relationship seriously or not, and if she truly feels the same towards you, she should at least talk to you, even if it's just for a little while and stop ignoring your messages, and be honest. Like, she should say:" I'm really sorry for not giving to as much time as we used to have. The problem is this (insert whatever might have been happening to her), and this (insert problem). But, I want to let you know that, I really want our relationship to work, and that we can be there for each other. You mean everything to me, and the only one I want. From now on, we shall spend some time together. Always. I love you". That would be brilliant of her to say to let you know that she does take the relationship seriously, if not something similar. If you give her a little more of time, and this lack of communication doesn't change, then is when you should ask yourself : Is it worth of it to be with someone who ignores my messages, is not willing to talk to me for some minutes, when I know that I don't deserve to be treated this way? Seriously, the punishment of silence and being left ignored is one of the worst things one can do. You are the boyfriend , you should be on her top list of priorities.



Jetpilot12
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19 Nov 2013, 4:06 pm

Yeah, no there aren't any abnormal posts on facebook that ring any alarms. Yeah maybe she has those priorities messed up? I don't know, I thought maybe the lack of communication between us might be because of her social skills. She has told me that she has never cheated ever, she has only kissed 2 guys outside of a relationship. I am going to give her time, maybe I get too impatient and hound her with messages.. I will let her chase me and not the other way around. It just sucks extremely bad, cause we've talked about some deep things together, that not normal people talk about. I theorized that she may be using me as a back-up plan, she once had her In a relationship status up and then she took it down, I have not put my relationship status up. Could it be that she doesn't trust me? Would that cause this? Maybe if I put my relationship status up saying in a relationship or should I wait? I asked her if it was awkward for her to say she loves me and she said yes, that was today. I don't know, I am in a big mess.



Sherry221B
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19 Nov 2013, 5:23 pm

Socials skills or not, that doesn't have to do with putting interest in the relationship. Have that talk with her, about her priorities, what I've told you earlier. I've repeteated the priority thing to make emphasis on it. It's not about who chase who. She goes to the university so, she's an adult. Neither of you shouldn't be playing games, nor chasing each other. There must be equality in the relationship. Like I said, trust and communication are important. Without trust there is no love. I understand that you have shared with her information, and talked about things that aren't talked about like that so easily. I'm just saying that, if she has nothing to hide, she wouldn't be avoiding your messages like that. Another point, The status relationship thing in Facebook: you should both talk about it if you want to make your relationship public. Did she tell you that making the relationship public is what she wanted, or...? Now that we have let out the worst scenario: she just toying with you, and acting distant because of someone else. If you really want her, what can you do? Encourage her to open up a little bit more. Yes, it might not be easy, but you must be able to trust each other and tell everything to each other. That's something important. Look at the other side, at least, up to this day, she hasn't told you that she never actually cared about you, nor nothing at all, treated you like absolute rubbish, deceived you, used you, done all the possible bad things she could do, and lied to you about everything....... A relationship is between two people, you should both work on it, and make the effort. Why does she feels awkward saying that she loves you? It's been three months now, you're getting still to know each other, but you should both feel comfortable with each other. The "I love you" should come naturally, without feeling awkward or bad about it; saying in a way, like you/ she is the light that lights up everything in a night where there is just darkness, but she lights up everything with her smile. Have she said something like that to you? Have you tried saying something like that to her? If not, you could try. Anothe important thing is: Have you made her to laugh? Has she made you to laugh? That's very important too: Someone who makes you feel better in those moments that seem that everything could be wrong, but she's there. That's why I'm saying it. To resume: be supportive of each other, do special little things for each other, communication, trusting each other, etc, etc? Do you both have plans of meeting in person too? Because it can't be the real thing if you don't see each other in person, and all that. If she's not doing nothing nasty to you, talk to her and make very clear about what you expect from the relationship, and about what's important to you, you both set boundaries.



leafplant
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19 Nov 2013, 5:31 pm

or maybe the overload from University work and her ill health is too much for her and she can't cope with even more...even if it is a boyfriend. Anyone on the spectrum would understand this surely!

I don't know why you just can't accept what she has told you. I go into shut down mode for weeks sometimes, I do eventually bounce back...and down again..according to stress levels and amounts of work I have on.

Every relationship gets to the cooling down period after the initial 'honeymoon period'. And yours is not even in person. I honestly do not understand how you can even complain about this.



Jetpilot12
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19 Nov 2013, 8:09 pm

Sorry I am very new to online relationships, I haven't been in many. I will give her space and see how it goes. Thanks for all your advice, if it progresses I'll let her know how I feel.