I don’t love my child and it’s breaking me down. Please help

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I’m aspi, got my diagnosis 2 years ago after several mental breakdowns. Woman, 33, from Europe (sorry for my english). Have high iq.

I have the most fantastic kid:D He is 6 years old. Sweet, caring, smart, fun and a million other things. He has some aspi features but is coping okay with the world until now and I help and support him. He lives with his father/my ex-husband (because of other things) and is by me every second weekend.

The problem is I don't love him, like you're supposed to love your child… And it’s killing me (mentally).

90 % of the time, I don't like being with him. I have never felt like a mother. I’m doing the best I can to be a good mum. My family, friends and social workers/therapist/ect. tells me that I’m doing a wonderful job and my kid loves me. I know they are right, but I have to push myself so incredible hard to pretend I like it and do all the right things. Often I have to stay home from my job the day and after before I have my kid, because I feel so terrible.
People tell me to do things with him I like but I don't like doing things with him or taking care of him:(

Since his birth, I have tried everything I could think of. Different psychiatrist, psychologist, therapists, meditation, hypnosis (not possible), talking to all kinds of people, reading everything I can in books and on the net. I find no answers:(

In general I like some people. I like spending time with them when I have the energy. I have wonderful friends. I don’t like kids. They don’t make sense to me. If they are very intelligent it is easier for me to spend time with them, but still not too long at a time.

One time I didn't see my boy for four months because I was very very sick. It was fantastic for me! I have never missed him ever in my life and it hurts me so much.
I will do everything in the world to learn to love my child or learn to enjoy being with him. He needs his mum and deserves it. Please help me…

Is it possible for you to just stop being concerned about not loving your child? You are taking care of and spending time with the child, so it seems like the only problem is that you are agitated by your lack of love. I doubt that you can force yourself to feel an emotion, but it seems probable that you can reshape this issue in your mind so that it doesn't upset you.

Hi..perhaps it would help you to stop forcing yourself to love or even like him. You don't have to love your child or even like them to be a good mother. You just have to be there, consistently doing the right thing even if it is something you are not particularly fond of doing. Like some people - they don't like their jobs but the job pays the bills so people show up every day. You seem to Want to be a good Mother, so all you have to do is show up and do what you know you have to do and don't expect to enjoy yourself, just expect to have done your best.

Hope this helps some.

Loving him would be the best, but it is ok if I just could learn to enjoy to be with him, instead of constantly wishing to be somewhere else or hating the time we have together.

Thats what I'm been trying to to, but it makes me sick. I feel really bad and can't keep on living in this hell. Every day with him is like running a marathon. I have to use all my social skills to figure out how to be a good mum. Nothing of it comes natural to me.

Well, you said



so, why do you dislike being with him? I mean, how are you able to describe him in such great terms but then say that you hate every moment you spend with him - what is it Exactly that you dislike? Two weekends per month is not all that much time, so maybe that's the reason - you get to live your own life the rest of the time and don't have to make the daily concessions that all parents have to make who take care of children every day. So of course it's hard. It's even harder because it's a massive change to your routine and you are on the spectrum? Perhaps if you always had a same routine for when he comes to stay with you, then both you and him would be more comfortable? you can take the couple of weeks beforehand to think up something fun you two can do together, but the rest of the weekend should always be mostly the same pattern. Read a book together, go for a walk, go to a museum (different ones) etc.

Read up on what people do who have home schooled kids and just plan a lot of activities you can do together - these are usually educational trips so you will probably enjoy them too.

I think it is our job as parents to care for our children. Children are usually good at being appealing, yours sounds like he does that. Can you let him take on more of the burden of loving and showing you love? We all reciprocate some, perhaps if you see and feel his love for you, it will help you grow in awareness of what is inside you.

Because I cannot imagine anything besides love that could push you to do what you do for him with how much this hurts---I think you may have more love than you realize. But it is different, and you need to find a different path that works for you, not look to be or feel something you don't.

I think you are being harsh on yourself. I think that many women feel similarly to you. The day to day looking after of a child is not the sort of thing adults often find fun. Love is something that probably means different things to everyone. You have complimented your child a lot in your opening post and are maintaining a relationship him even though you find it very difficult. Those things would suggest to me that you do love him.
It could be that you are thinking a lot about your feelings towards your son and that is making the time you spend together and the time leading up to it very stressful as you will be worrying about being good enough, whether you are enjoying it enough, whether it shows etc. And maybe over analysing it after.
Could you maybe have some kind of treat for yourself reserved for the day/days you have him? Whatever you are into. This could maybe relieve your anxiety a bit before hand. Your son will just be happy to be with you and you should feel good that even though you might not find it as easy as most you are there for him.

You can't make yourself feel something you don't, so stop worrying about it. It doesn't make you a bad person. You are doing your best and it sounds like that's a good job.

Maybe try to be more yourself with them. It sounds like you are doing something I have a tendency to do - act. It's possible that things will go well even if you don't push yourself so hard.

Also, relationships change over time. However things are now, they won't be the same in even a year.

I think you are over-focusing.

The first of his years I was almost alone with him and I felt exactly the same as now. Also when I have him longer in vacations. 6 years and no change...

Yes he is a wonderful person. I can see that objectively. But that do not make me want to be with him. I have no interest in him. It gives me only mental work and extremely little pleasure. I'm a god mum because I have to. Not because I want to.

In my daily life I don't have very many routines so there is no practical problems in having him. He loves me and want to be with me and be close to me and that feels terrible. I dont like it that he loves me.

It is not hard having him the practical way. He is well behaved, good at helping in the house (only small things that fits his age) and not demanding.
Educational trips and other activities is not something I enjoy when I have to be with him. I don't like being with him even less doing stuff with him, that is the whole point...

How would you feel it and cope with a person you don't want to be with that had to be close to you all the time and you had to take care of him?

I do things for myself when I have him, small breaks, to make sure I can function. Thats saves me but don't solve the problem.

I have tried to ease up on my analytic approach, less focus, more natural beeing me but that went horrible wrong each time


Some times I hate it so much I want to kill my self or stop seeing him forever. Don't worry, I wont do it, because that would be terrible to him. It is just to show you how bad it is.

I wish I had had a Mum like that.

Try thinking of it as a trial to be gotten through. There is an end to all situations. He's going to grow up and go his own way. You really can't do more than you are already doing.
I don't really feel love for anyone. I feel more a sense of duty. It makes me feel empty sometimes because I know other people feel it, but I just don't. One of the mysteries I probably won't figure out in this life.
If you don't want to go on trips, don't. Stay home, watch a movie. It really doesn't matter.

A psychiatrist once told me there is a way of looking at mothering as "good enough". You do not need to be perfect, just good enough for the next 10 to 12 years. If you are steadily there for him, and keep your mental health in fair shape, that is what he will remember and it will make him strong.

Talk with your ex about changing the visitation schedule. A whole weekend is no good. You can't do it, and it's terrible for a kid to be with someone who doesn't want to be with him. Short, maybe more frequent visits will work much better. Three, four hours max.

If this isn't possible, get the help of your therapists/sw/etc. in setting up other activities for him, ones he'll enjoy, when it's your time with him. Get help from the therapist in finding out what things he'd like to do. And allow him to watch television and read. Get him an ipad (and do not allow him to go online; just let him play games).

You do like him. You just don't like being with him and having to interact on the level of a 6-year-old. And yes, it's is a problem. Does he know about your diagnosis? It's going to be important for him to be introduced to AS so that he understands that this has nothing to do with him, it's just how Mom is.

I agree with others. You don't have to be good at everything. It sounds like you're trying too hard, and that in turn makes you resent him. I'm pretty relaxed with my kids. I'd rather they see the real me and they can like or not like me, it's all fine. If you ask adults around you're find many people grew up with pretty neglectful parents, and some parents are even downright mean. Many people do not like their parents. It's quite common. I'm sure it's quite common to not like kids either. Just relax and watch him grow.

Sounds like you have a hard time dealing with and understanding children, but fortunately he is going to grow up and be an adult. Don't worry about loving him. Just treat him well and help him grow.

You know, my mother loves me, but I was still raised in a household where I was constantly punished and hit and yelled at. My mother loved me, but she had a hard time understanding how to treat me. Had she not loved me, but treated me well, I would have never known the difference. Ever.

It looks to me like you have the most important aspect of parenting down, which is treating your child with kindness, dignity and respect. Perhaps you don't love him because he has not yet matured into an adult? Not everyone has the patience to understand and find importance in the trivial things that a child goes through, you just don't have any way of seeing eye to eye with him.

But if he grows up to be a good and sweet man, someone with a life and good values and morals, then you have done everything right.

Love is a hard emotion to pinpoint? Is it a feeling? Is it an action? Is it both? There are too many variables to really answer that and people always like to pretend like they have the answer for it.

Think of it this way, you show your love through actions, because you don't feel it. This is how you express love. You feel bad because it isn't conventional. But it is still doing the right thing and being a good person and there is no reason, none at all, ever in a million years, that you should fault yourself for taking good care of a child.

You are doing your best. You may not feel like doing your best, but trust me. Doing your best 'is' the best.