Need advice on relationship with an NT. PLEASE

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I would personally want to live with my partner. However, I have a coworker who is married and she actually lives a couple of hours away from her husband, in their own separate houses. It was this way when they met, and they both like their houses and current jobs, so they have decided to just remain separate. They see each other every weekend and talk on the phone daily. It has actually worked out great for them. In fact when they start to spend too much time together at one of their houses they get on each others' nerves. Then they go back to living separately and they are like two happy love birds again. So for some people, I do think this is possible and maybe even better, but I would think it would be exceedingly rare. In most cases, one or both parties would miss the other person too much to stay apart like this.

I'm an NT married to a man who I suspect has AS. I'm quite independent and generally happy to do stuff on my own, but I got tired of being the single woman at couples events or simply not being invited at all.

Also I will admit that I couldn't stand dealing with his sensory issues anymore when it comes to intimacy. Being undiagnosed I don't think he realises how bad it is for me and I didn't really understand his issues either. My self-esteem suffered. I needed sex and touch and closeness and passion. I will be filing for divorce

My partner and I are very supportive of each other and talk openly about issues that we face as a couple I understand her needs acutely in fact the fact that she is affected by my syndrome is unbearable. Which is why I am seeking advice on the best way to deal with this complicated dynamic. If it turns out that it is in her best interest to be apart from me I am willing to do that even though it would break my heart

I can only give advice based on my experiences - which to be fair, have involved a number of disasterous relationships, but yes it is entirely possible to maintain a relationship. Sorry if this is a bit rambling and in no particular order.

My wife is NT and we have been together for a little over ten years, we married last year. I won't lie, some compromises are nescessary on your part, as well as hers - it takes work, a lot of work, but it is more than worth it.

The most important thing is to talk to each other and to be honest and open. You need to explain the things that trigger your symptoms, and the things that ease them, like as you say an ordered environment, and some space or alone time. Try to explain what it feels like when you are stressed and anxious and this time is your way of dealing with those symptoms.

You also have to realise that frustration is a part of any relationship (granted, probably more so in our case) and there will be times she will be frustrated too. This is where the hard work comes in. I can only speak for myself here - but it is exceptionally easy to get wound up in my own stuff, overwhelming feelings, annoyance, frustration ect, without giving much thought to how she feels. This is terrible for a relationship - so make a habit of sitting down and listening to how she feels. Listening is the key.

Sometimes how she feels will initially make no sense to me or seem completely illogical, I have to be honest. However that doesn't invalidate those feelings. I am the one without the necessary tools to filter or understand emotions very well. If I have upset her in some way, I take that at face value, I ask her to explain it to me, and I apologise and vice versa. As you mentioned yourself, this is something you are worried about - it's probably the part that is most difficult. If you are upset and she doesn't understand, it doesn't change the fact that you are upset, does it?

We avoid a lot of my triggers when possible - crowds in particular. I dislike shopping - very stressful. We go to a 24/7 supermarket and shop after 11. If we need to go into the city to shop, we do it early - 9 to 11 am on a weekday when possible. She knows I find the phone stressful - she arranges appointments ect. What do I do? Well she hates house work - I do it. I also cook. I help her with her Uni work. I do the gardening - I love her but she can kill pretty much anything green within a week if she is left in charge of it. There are a hundred and one opther things we accomidate each other on, but that is pretty much a part of any relationship that is going to last.

We talk all the time. I'm not great at small talk, to me it seems a bit innane; but i have come to understand that for most people these conversations about nothing in particular are an important part of maintaining a bond, its important to her. We ask about each others days at work, we complain to each other about things, ask about friends and family and a hundred much less important things, whatever comes to mind really, simply because it makes her happy. Most importantly we make time for each other - that is as much a part of my routine as anything else.

Socialising - yes its stressful, but unavoidable. When I am doing my own thing, often my wife will pop out for an hour or two to see friends or relatives - she needs downtime too, and at weekend, I make the effort to spend time with her family and friends. Every week we make an effort to do something we both enjoy, whether it is going to the theatre, the cinema, walking the dogs together or just going for a drive in the country - in short, something relaxing and fun we can both do together.

I guess thats pretty much it. It sounds simple. It isn't. It can be exhausting, but it is worth it a thousand times over.

Good luck.

thank you so much. it is great to hear it can work long term, your advice is very practical and honest. I will endeavour to try some of your tips over the next month and hopefully enjoy a relationship as satisfying as your own. THANKS

my partner and I are breaking up. When we lived apart the sex was fantastic and my sensory issues were not a problem. I think since we have been living together and I have no real personal space that my sensory problems intensified. and im exhausted with never truly being alone. I hope she finds the right person for her. I think I will spend some time on my own for now

I am sorry to hear that but it's probably for the best. I too have found it difficult to balance the two and find that I prefer to sleep on my own most of the time (not always - so some waking up together is possible lol) which most people don't like. I think people with sensory issues in particular very much need that time to recharge, so at leat 8 hours with 8 feet radius of free space where someone else's energy/aura is not likely to touch mine is imperative for me.

Anyway, I am really sorry you seem to be having such a tough time of everything lately and hope it gets better for you.

I am sorry this is happening. You may need someone who is more independent. I am very independent and it works out for me and my Aspie. I give him his space and he gives me mine. I understand he needs more space than I do and that's ok. I have so much going on all of the time, I am a busy body and cant sit still, even being almost 9 months pregnant. Plus I have a son from my previous marriage. Living with anyone is usually a challenge. My ex smothered the hell out of me and I was single for well over a year because of it.

Aw, I'm sorry. I've just been reading through.

I agree about finding an independent woman with her own hobbies and interests. I've been with my spouse 9 years--most of it not knowing about AS. I think if I were a clingy-er or more needy woman, it would have ended ages ago.

I'm sorry to hear that it came to this. I'm struggling with a similar set of demons.
If it isn't too painful, would you be able to describe the last hours. As an Aspie, I'm sure you can appreciate the importance of those little details, and nobody ever shares them. It would be so helpful for those of us in a similar terribly quandry.
As I said, if it's too hard to do that, I understand.

^^it is heart breaking I feel like I am losing a part of me. we have been discussing how crazy it is as we still both love each other dearly. But we also respect each other enough to want a happy life for ourselves. to tell you the truth it hasn't really fully sunken in yet. and I am ironically really afraid of living on my own. we are still living in the same house until we find new accommodation for our selves so its a state of shock and limbo at the moment. I will be moving out next week and I don't think it will really hit home until then. is that what you mean. I am happy to tell you more it feels more real now that I am typing, what are your circumstances?

I meant, what happened in those last few hours before one of you made that final decision? In my case it is arguments back and forth and generally someone either backs down or possibly says something sensible and nice. I have moved out before - that's the other way it is finalized. So, I'm wondering what happened for you in those final hours to come to the end. We are still together, but hanging on by a thread.

I kept seeing the sadness in her eyes, even when she was smiling. she has a great sense of humour and it broke my heart to hear her joke with out the mischievous glint I love. I asked her if she was really happy and we broke down and talked about everything that we already knew it was like we were reading from a book we had read every night for the last few months and that narrative had seeped into the fabric of our lives. truth spoken with out anger or bitterness just a loving acceptance that we need to free ourselves from our situation. if you love someone you don't want to see them hurt and I have finaly accepted that I need more space and time to recharge than I have had. I feel more unconditional love now for having admitted the truth than I have felt in a long time. clinging to something that's lost is hard. better to admit its absence. That is just my experience though I hope you come to peace in your relationship in your own way. I am still in a sort of emotional shock. and am really scared about the future

Thank you so much for sharing. It's very hard to do. My situation is slightly less clear, which creates its own set of challenges. We want to make it work but constantly argue about it (now the argument frequency has upped to twice a day ). The topics are the same and largely relate to my traits and how we both want to live. We've been together for 16 years and mostly it's been rewarding. But a significant portion has been horrid and we are in one of those now.