List of things to say in social situations?

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404nf
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29 Nov 2013, 4:11 am

Is there a list of appropriate things to say in specific social situations?
Like, yesterday, a girl was telling me that someone was fighting with her and she cried, and I just didn't know what to say, so I said, after a pause, 'good', but now that I think about it, that wasn't the best thing to say.
I constantly keep offending people in situations like these, as I don't know what to say.
So is there any list, guide, or something along those lines for us Aspies?



SherlockTheUnicorn
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29 Nov 2013, 4:31 am

Sorry I don't have any but I'm interested to see if anyone else has any ideas. I tend to respond with 'cool.' which isn't usually appropriate but I don't know what else to say, as I'm usually not interested in what the other person is saying anyway.



cberg
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29 Nov 2013, 4:37 am

There's nothing in particular to say, anywhere, to anyone. The most helpful, kindest responses, in my experience, are those that take into account the prior direction of the conversation as well as the present subject matter. From a marginalized social vantage point such as yours or mine, I think it bears mentioning that we have a GREAT view of the positive aspects in the lives of others, often better than their own outlook in this regard. It's not so much about fitting responses as upbeat ones.


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Bodyles
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29 Nov 2013, 5:59 am

Generally speaking, if I don't know how to respond I examine the context and generate a generic reply based on it.

If someone is talking about something that seems upsetting or bad for them, I might say "That's unfortunate.", or "That sucks.", or "I'm sorry to hear that." and use voice intonations and facial expressions that indicate that I realize that the subject matter is upsetting or bad for them.

If someone says something that seems neutral or which I am very uncertain if it is negative or postive in their eyes, I'll say something like "Ok.", or "That's interesting.", or I'll ask a question about it to clarify it depending on tense and my best guess like, "Is/was that a good/bad thing?", or just "Ok?".

If someone says something that seems like it's positive or good for them, or that they seem to find interesting, I might say something like, "Cool.", or "Right on.", or "I'm glad to hear that."

To be fair, my generic responses aren't ideal, and they aren't always correct socially or even factually, as sometimes I get it wrong, but by and large they're fairly effective and relatively noncommittal, so even if I'm completely wrong I haven't stepped very far out of line and a simple apology and request for clarification is usualy sufficient to smooth things over and get back on track in the conversation.

I hope my meager repitoire/strategy is at least of some small assistance to you.



loosewheel
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29 Nov 2013, 8:20 am

I built up a list of standard responses. You can get away with it most of the time, so long as the discussion isn't too deep, or they're not expecting an empathic response or something similar. You could do a search for clichés, common phrases, etc. and learn a few. If you stuff it up they look at you weird. Figure out where you went wrong and try a different one next time.

When you get a little practised you can start to adapt. At work, when the company was pushing one of their new policies, which was really just screwing you over disguised as something nice, I used “A rose by any other name still smells as sweet, and BS by any other name still stinks.”



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29 Nov 2013, 1:33 pm

loosewheel wrote:
I built up a list of standard responses. You can get away with it most of the time, so long as the discussion isn't too deep, or they're not expecting an empathic response or something similar. You could do a search for clichés, common phrases, etc. and learn a few. If you stuff it up they look at you weird. Figure out where you went wrong and try a different one next time.

When you get a little practised you can start to adapt. At work, when the company was pushing one of their new policies, which was really just screwing you over disguised as something nice, I used “A rose by any other name still smells as sweet, and BS by any other name still stinks.”

Use scripts! It works! Memorize the following:
"I'm so sorry."
"That's wonderful."
"I'm happy for you."
"That's a good point."
"Well, I need to go now, but it was great talking to you."
"I don't know if I agree with you."
"Let me think about that."
"Let me get back to you."
"Why are you so interested (about my life?)"
"So how are you?"
"I'm sorry, but no thank you."
"I'm sorry, but my hands are full right now."
"Sorry, I'm not much of a talker."
It's amazing how powerful scripts are! I learned a lot of these from my therapists. NT's are so easy to deal with by using scripts! :D



Bodyles
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29 Nov 2013, 1:59 pm

JSBACHlover wrote:
loosewheel wrote:
I built up a list of standard responses. You can get away with it most of the time, so long as the discussion isn't too deep, or they're not expecting an empathic response or something similar. You could do a search for clichés, common phrases, etc. and learn a few. If you stuff it up they look at you weird. Figure out where you went wrong and try a different one next time.

When you get a little practised you can start to adapt. At work, when the company was pushing one of their new policies, which was really just screwing you over disguised as something nice, I used “A rose by any other name still smells as sweet, and BS by any other name still stinks.”

Use scripts! It works! Memorize the following:
"I'm so sorry."
"That's wonderful."
"I'm happy for you."
"That's a good point."
"Well, I need to go now, but it was great talking to you."
"I don't know if I agree with you."
"Let me think about that."
"Let me get back to you."
"Why are you so interested (about my life?)"
"So how are you?"
"I'm sorry, but no thank you."
"I'm sorry, but my hands are full right now."
"Sorry, I'm not much of a talker."
It's amazing how powerful scripts are! I learned a lot of these from my therapists. NT's are so easy to deal with by using scripts! :D


Indeed.
Over the years I've come with dozens of response sets for various situations, and used and tested and refined them enough to make most of them seem relatively natural.
NTs generally only start to catch on if they know you well and they've heard the responses a bunch of times before.