Deciding to take a step back or to be more authoritative

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Well now you know, now you can start believing them now when they tell you.

I wonder why parents don't tell their kids what they are doing wrong. Are they just too polite to tell them or are they afraid it will hurt their feelings or is it because the kid never complains how they are being treated? I think it can hurt the kid more if they don't know and then it can be their choice if they want to do something about it or not. You can't force someone to change but you can try and encourage it and it's always the person that chooses to change, you didn't do it, they did. Even therapists don't change their patients, they are just there helping them because they want to change so they pay them to help them do it. It's the same with parents too, kids change because they want to and they just helped them with it. It's called a learning attitude. It's impossible for someone to change if they don't want to change and a therapist won't be able to do it nor anyone else if the person doesn't want any help.

I also think it would depend on the child. If the kid doesn't believe you until it happens or it makes them feel they are being victimized then I don't know then what else the parent can do to help them. It's not just about bullying, it can also be about kids thinking your kid is mean or rude or weird or kids not wanting to play with them or inviting them over to play. I bet that kind of kid will have a harder time in life than the rest of us who don't see it as negative when told because at least we do know and know what to do about it to make our lives easier and happier. But our parents would have to know how we're being treated before they can help us or they won't be able to tell us.

For me, it was a case of my parents not being aware that there was anything up. I never told them a thing about my unhappiness at school. They witnessed some of the goings on that happened in the street, but always thought the other kids were being nasty, never that there was something about me that might be causing it. Also, my mum is very probably on the spectrum too. She just saw me acting like her and thought it was all fine. She was picked on at school too. But, she's not as self-questioning as me, so still thinks all these people she has fallen out over the years were always the ones at fault. She's not at all like me now, although maybe she was as a child. She's argumentative and easily offended, so I'm not going to be the one to tell her that she's causing the fall outs. We all have to be careful what we say to her, as she'll go off on one, without warning. Is that my future? I hope not.

My daughter just turned 8 herself. I have not done any of this with her directly yet because she really doesn't recognize that she is different than the other kids. To be honest, I don't think she is being targeted, either. She has been blessed with having three huge things in her favor. She is exceptionally attractive (I know, all moms think that, but I have been approached about her modeling. She has truly gorgeous long, dark, thick ,curly hair, fair skin and huge hazel eyes with eyelashes so long they hit her glasses when she wears them. It is a striking combination). She is bright, and she is a gifted artist. Her classmates are in awe of her talents and I honestly think it makes them basically overlook her social deficits. And she doesn't appear to do so many "odd" things to draw attention to herself. She does dress differently than many of her peers, but I think they all see it as part of her creativity. For her, it really is a social skills deficit. She doesn't always read and respond to social situations appropriately.

Anyway, I am rambling...At 8, the information wouldn't have been as helpful for my son, I don't think. You might actually have a little time before you start working with her in this area if that is what you choose to do. One thing that might help get the conversation started is Michelle Winner Garcia's Super Flex stuff (http://www.socialthinking.com/books-pro ... rriculum32) if you haven't already tried it. Zette mentioned it earlier with the concepts of "expected" vs "unexpected" behavior. That concept really hit home with my daughter.

Like Mummy to Peanut's parents, my parents didn't know. I assumed it was all my fault, so I was too embarrassed to talk about it. I just kept thinking if I tried harder, I could fix the problem. The problem with that thinking is that if you don't know what the problem is, no amount of trying is going to fix it. In fact, in retrospect, I probably made it worse because my attempts to "fix" it were probably even more clumsy than my initial behavior.

With my son, I really struggled with it for a totally different reason. When my kids were younger, I was very into the ideal that people should accept my kids the way they are. That they shouldn't have to change for anyone. That they are perfect just the way they are. And that if their behavior is not hurting anyone, other people should just accept them, quirks and all, and prize them for their strengths.

The idealist in me still believes this.

But the realist in me understands that even though this may be the way it should be, it is not the way it is. I started to suspect that my strict adherence to my idealist beliefs, as noble as they may be, was probably hurting my son because I wasn't helping him to learn the things he needed to learn. He lives in the real world, not the ideal one.

I also struggled because I really do love my son's quirks. I am absolutely aware that if you took away the part of his wiring that leads to his quirks, you would also be taking away the wiring that leads to the things that I prize most in him. I didn't want him to feel ashamed of who he is, or to feel that he was broken, or not good enough. And I feared that if I started pointing it out to him, that he would start to hate who he is. Fortunately in our case, this fear was completely unfounded. He simply views it as knowledge that he does not have that I do. He really seems to understand that the problem isn't really with him, it's with people's perceptions. He still chooses to do much of his "target" behavior at home and when he is with safe people. And he also does not look down on others for their "errant" perceptions, which was also a fear I had. He just makes adjustments when it suits him. He is happier. And he takes great pride when he is able to self-identify something that makes him a target. Empowered. That is the best way to describe what it has done for him. I would like to think that my very deliberate approach, to include never saying that he was doing anything "wrong," has helped this be a positive experience for him.

For all of my talk about letting the kids be if it doesn't bother the child....I made my (now) 7 year old change pants before school this morning because he spilled milk on himself in a way that made it look like he wet his pants a little.

<sigh> welcome to the club.

It's that way for me, too, misskassyna. I would also feel "attacked" when someone drew attention towards the "coping items" I used for my anxiety and sensory issues, and when they would tell me, "You're too old for that" or "Leave that thing in the car." I just do what I please these days- my mantra has become, "They don't know how I feel on the inside day in and day out, so they're not in a position to tell me what to do." If I want to carry Dory in my pocket or bag, and take pictures of her in public on my phone, so be it. It's not hurting anyone.

I agree it can be difficult to know how to handle a situation. My dear daughter was identified in Kindergarten by the school as needing social skills training and they started right away with her. I think this really helped her to understand that others look at the world differently than she does. There were many occasions when I would tell her that something she was wearing/doing might draw attention to herself and she may want to rethink it. However she was absolutely terrified of the other kids noticing her - she really wanted to just blend in.

Sometime she would change her behavior/ clothes or whatever and sometimes she wouldn't. But I think giving her the choices helped her understand that it is okay to be who you are and if you are comfortable in your own skin, it doesn't really matter what other people think. I am very proud to say that now as a teen she is very comfortable with herself and understands that she has her own style - she is completely fine with it and doesn't really care what the 'other' kids think or say.

However I will say that this has actually made her MORE popular - to her astonishment - because she doesn't even try to fit in with the other girls she gets noticed and because she has a strong, positive personality she is admired and liked. Now I am sure there is still some bullying and mean comments, but she simply doesn't care. I often wish she could teach her younger sister that way of thinking.