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KingofKaboom
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10 Dec 2013, 7:16 pm

I have a friend I find attractive but honestly I want to just be friends. She's been good to me we've known each other for two years and she recently got a new boyfriend. We had an argument and talked about my feelings and right now she's kind of hurt. But I want to find things to focus on I want to keep this friend she's helped me so much and has no interest in me beyond friendship and I'm not sure I have anything more than that myself. The problem is I think I'm having trouble differentiating between close friendship and caring friend and potential love interest. If I really do care about her that way well I want to be happy and stay friends, I'm at a loss my own feelings confuse me and leave me upset.

I've been in love before of a sort atleast and when that woman left it took a big chunk out of me and I was depressed and sad for months after. Didn't affect my school life or show outside my head but it was there and this time I just feel kind of stupid and ashamed of my comments to her. I don't feel that wrenching pain or the passion of her presence around me, I'm happy when she's close but honestly I don't think I feel love. I think I want love so badly that I want to take any female that gets close because I've been alone so long and I'm concerned I can't tell them apart.

Any advice or tips on how to figure these feelings out or how to cope with them would be much appreciated :)


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CrispyPancake
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11 Dec 2013, 4:19 pm

There's nothing special about what is known as 'love'. It's just caring/friendship + sexual attraction. You probably could have a relationship with this girl, if she was interested. Unfortunately she is not, so you'd better try and banish the thoughts of being romantically involved with her from your mind, unless you like torturing yourself. This can be hard to do though. Everyone seems perfect when they are a potential partner. (In reality if you got together, you might find lots of things you dislike about her.)

You're always going to have this problem when you are friends with someone you're physically attracted to. It's generally not a good idea to tell them you are attracted to them unless you think there's a chance of reciprocation, as it tends to make things awkward. Honesty is not always the best policy.



KingofKaboom
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11 Dec 2013, 4:29 pm

Telling a girl she's attractive hasn't back fired on me I tell women I find them attractive they've never made it an issue, I'm saying this because lots of females just say thanks and honestly I had no interest in them just attractive. I actually had a whole different problem from what I thought though. I have been alone so long and had so few women treat me kindly that whenever they do and are of a similar age I think I just try to make it a relationship because I'm so desperate to have one ect.

Thinking of it like this it makes a lot of things I've done with lots of female friends make sense. I don't think I loved her I just wanted to be loved so badly and can't be a good friend yet so a relationship would be a disaster. I need to learn how to be a friend and I'm going to go get more friends and improve that and forget dating or trying until I have a group of friends to fall back on when things go badly.

She's a friend that lets me cry on her shoulder as it were and honestly helps me understand what I'm doing wrong more effectively than anyone else ever has. She's a nice woman but I think I just got everything confused and mixed up in my head. I need to get myself stable work and independence then a group of friends although I can do that at same time I think. Dating has to take a back seat until I can control my emotions and stay calm when I already know I'm screwing up.

I've been learning alot of what books say about focusing on yourself and your life as it's own stand alone important thing that needs to be cared for are all true. As time goes by I find more and more this is true and I'm going to do that. May still end up alone but the way I am now I'm not a good friend and can't be a good boyfriend. First goal I can start on is some more friends and going out more, I'm actually good socially (after a lot of work) just set in my ways and chair :/


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