abstaining from premarital sex, thoughts?

Page 1 of 5 [ 76 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3, 4, 5  Next

Halfmadgenius
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 31 Oct 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 666

12 Dec 2013, 1:07 am

I recently stated in the forum of an online dating site that I was thinking about swearing off sex until marriage. Everyone's reaction was very negative. Every thing from advice to learn to separate emotion from sex and enjoy casual sex, to accusing me of penalizing men for my past bad judgment, to the idea that if I don't have sex no man will ever want me.

But the truth is though I like sex I don't need it and its not worth the pain it causes. I have been with 3 men and each failed relationship nearly destroyed me.

One talked me into moving in before I was ready then cheated on, manipulated, and emotionally abused me for over two years

Another one used me for sex then left when I suggested we slow things down because I felt like he was using me. I also was beginning to suspect he was lying about his marital status. :cry:

The very first man I was with I heard a rumor was cheating on me then he just lost interest...

Each time a relationship ended I felt like I'd been ripped apart. After Ben (the abusive one) I didn't want anything to do with men for years. I gave each one of these men my body and my heart and they trampled me into the ground.

I feel like abstaining would be wise because for one it would force us to take things slow and really get to know each other so I don't get to wrapped up. And also I feel it would weed out the losers, they would quickly leave when they realized sex wasn't on the agenda. Thus I could focus on getting to know sincere men rather than waste time on liars. What do y'all think?



The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 30,883
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

12 Dec 2013, 2:26 am

Your life, your choice.



Stalk
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Jul 2012
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,094

12 Dec 2013, 3:20 am

I have extreme prejudice towards tradition.



Moviefan2k4
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Sep 2013
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 944
Location: Texas

12 Dec 2013, 3:25 am

I was in one relationship that ended terribly in early 2006, and haven;t pursued anyone else since. Its not an easy life by any means, but its better than whoring myself out from desperation (pardon the language).

I long for the day when I can finally share both my life and bed with a Godly woman, who loves me more than any other person on the planet, and will never leave me. Until then, I keep praying and waiting...but every day's reaction is different.


_________________
God, guns, and guts made America; let's keep all three.


elkclan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Oct 2013
Age: 51
Gender: Female
Posts: 698

12 Dec 2013, 5:15 am

It's certainly not something I would do. There's absolutely no need to have casual sex, emotionless sex, etc. Clearly you only feel comfortable with committed sex and that's absolutely fine.

I don't think waiting til marriage would weed out the losers. It might just get you someone with a really low libido who's still a loser.

I don't think sex is the problem here. I think it's relationships which are the problem for you. And there's something about the way you choose and manage relationships which needs to improve. I am absolutely not blaming you for other people's bad behaviour, but if you want to find someone better you need to think about how you go about doing that and how you can cut ties earlier in dating because their behaviour is less than you deserve.



Halfmadgenius
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 31 Oct 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 666

12 Dec 2013, 7:44 am

Well the loser who left because I took sex off the agenda, I took it off after a few months instead of a few years, so that's progress. Even if I choose not to wait until marriage I am going to make him earn it. At least a few months. A guy who is just after sex should give up by then, right?



JanuaryMan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 1 Jan 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,359

12 Dec 2013, 8:13 am

It's your choice to make, and ultimately you should do what you feel is right for you and your mind, body. Your body is your temple.

Having said that, to completely abstain from pre marital sex....I now think you're no longer a half mad genius, but a fully mad one :lol:

If you make them wait a few months, a guy that's just after sex will have given up long before a few months are up, by the way.



BuyerBeware
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,471
Location: PA, USA

12 Dec 2013, 8:21 am

My opinion, frankly, is that abstaining from premarital sex is ALWAYS a good idea.

It's not because of tradition, or some hidebound idea of morality. To me, it's a common sense issue.

First there's the issue of disease. Pretty self-explanatory. The more people you have sex with, the more partners they've had, the more likely they are to feel comfortable having sex outside the relationship, the more likely you are to get a disease. AIDS isn't even all of it-- there's gonorrhea out there that NOTHING will cure.

Then there's the issue of emotional attachment. Sex, even for an Aspie, is a bonding activity. It increases emotional attachment. Thus making breakups that much more painful. Other things that increase emotional attachment are spending nights together, lots and lots of physical contact, and cohabiting. More pain if it doesn't work out.

And in that vein...

...the fact is that sex impedes judgment. Emotions, hormones, the lot-- it all impedes judgment. The one thing you absolutely must have in choosing a life partner (at least, if you seriously want to avoid joining the 50% divorce statistic) is strongly logical (at least, for a human value of "logical"), solid judgment. Sex gets in the way of that. Save sex-- and living together, and spending the night in the same bed with your PJs on-- for after the wedding. Or at least after the engagement.


_________________
"Alas, our dried voices when we whisper together are quiet and meaningless, as wind in dry grass, or rats' feet over broken glass in our dry cellar." --TS Eliot, "The Hollow Men"


Stalk
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 19 Jul 2012
Age: 42
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,094

12 Dec 2013, 8:32 am

BuyerBeware wrote:
My opinion, frankly, is that abstaining from premarital sex is ALWAYS a good idea.

It's not because of tradition, or some hidebound idea of morality. To me, it's a common sense issue.

First there's the issue of disease. Pretty self-explanatory. The more people you have sex with, the more partners they've had, the more likely they are to feel comfortable having sex outside the relationship, the more likely you are to get a disease. AIDS isn't even all of it-- there's gonorrhea out there that NOTHING will cure.

Then there's the issue of emotional attachment. Sex, even for an Aspie, is a bonding activity. It increases emotional attachment. Thus making breakups that much more painful. Other things that increase emotional attachment are spending nights together, lots and lots of physical contact, and cohabiting. More pain if it doesn't work out.

And in that vein...

...the fact is that sex impedes judgment. Emotions, hormones, the lot-- it all impedes judgment. The one thing you absolutely must have in choosing a life partner (at least, if you seriously want to avoid joining the 50% divorce statistic) is strongly logical (at least, for a human value of "logical"), solid judgment. Sex gets in the way of that. Save sex-- and living together, and spending the night in the same bed with your PJs on-- for after the wedding. Or at least after the engagement.


the irony is in your username.



thewhitrbbit
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 30 May 2012
Age: 36
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,124

12 Dec 2013, 9:09 am

Your Life Your Choice. It's not hurting anyone else so I don't judge.



BuyerBeware
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Sep 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,471
Location: PA, USA

12 Dec 2013, 9:41 am

Stalk wrote:
BuyerBeware wrote:
My opinion, frankly, is that abstaining from premarital sex is ALWAYS a good idea.

It's not because of tradition, or some hidebound idea of morality. To me, it's a common sense issue.

First there's the issue of disease. Pretty self-explanatory. The more people you have sex with, the more partners they've had, the more likely they are to feel comfortable having sex outside the relationship, the more likely you are to get a disease. AIDS isn't even all of it-- there's gonorrhea out there that NOTHING will cure.

Then there's the issue of emotional attachment. Sex, even for an Aspie, is a bonding activity. It increases emotional attachment. Thus making breakups that much more painful. Other things that increase emotional attachment are spending nights together, lots and lots of physical contact, and cohabiting. More pain if it doesn't work out.

And in that vein...

...the fact is that sex impedes judgment. Emotions, hormones, the lot-- it all impedes judgment. The one thing you absolutely must have in choosing a life partner (at least, if you seriously want to avoid joining the 50% divorce statistic) is strongly logical (at least, for a human value of "logical"), solid judgment. Sex gets in the way of that. Save sex-- and living together, and spending the night in the same bed with your PJs on-- for after the wedding. Or at least after the engagement.


the irony is in your username.


Precisely, my dear. "Caveat Emptor" is a pretty good idea for life and interpersonal relationships in general-- doubly so for an Aspie. In choosing someone to spend the rest of your life with?? That goes 400%. You ABSOLUTELY need to be thinking with the BIG HEAD.

It is very hard to do that when the Little Head is screaming, "Don't care how, I want it NOW!! !"

God gave Man a brain and a penis-- but only enough blood to run one at a time.

The way to a man's heart is slightly lower than his stomach.

Men are like hard wood floors-- lay 'em right, and you can walk on 'em for fifty years.

Sex impedes judgment for women too-- both because of hormones and because of emotional involvement-- but it seems to be much worse for men. I've seen all my guy friends (except for the one who sticks to jacking off to hentai) do really stupid things over a vagina. I feel very guilty for the fact that I had sex with my husband two months into the relationship-- I honestly believe that I destroyed his ability to make a rational, informed decision about being with me.

Protect yourself, man. Keep it in your pants.

Hang onto your ability to see and assess the CAVEAT before you become the emptor-- and find, maybe, that having a decent life has been pre-empted by a decision that Willie made.


_________________
"Alas, our dried voices when we whisper together are quiet and meaningless, as wind in dry grass, or rats' feet over broken glass in our dry cellar." --TS Eliot, "The Hollow Men"


Mamselle
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 24 Oct 2013
Age: 57
Gender: Female
Posts: 131

12 Dec 2013, 9:48 am

My take? Never say never. It's great that you view sex on a greater plane than scratching an itch, and I'm genuinely sorry that you've been hurt in the past. But part of sex is intimacy, and if you cut yourself off from that, you might never find that person you come to want to marry. You might want to amend your policy to say, no sex until you meet someone you want to marry.



Aspie1
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Mar 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,148
Location: United States

12 Dec 2013, 10:14 am

BuyerBeware wrote:
My opinion, frankly, is that abstaining from premarital sex is ALWAYS a good idea.
It's not because of tradition, or some hidebound idea of morality. To me, it's a common sense issue.
...
Then there's the issue of emotional attachment. Sex, even for an Aspie, is a bonding activity. It increases emotional attachment. Thus making breakups that much more painful. Other things that increase emotional attachment are spending nights together, lots and lots of physical contact, and cohabiting. More pain if it doesn't work out.
...
...the fact is that sex impedes judgment. Emotions, hormones, the lot-- it all impedes judgment. The one thing you absolutely must have in choosing a life partner (at least, if you seriously want to avoid joining the 50% divorce statistic) is strongly logical (at least, for a human value of "logical"), solid judgment. Sex gets in the way of that. Save sex-- and living together, and spending the night in the same bed with your PJs on-- for after the wedding. Or at least after the engagement.

While I get that your heart is in the right place, I see a big problem with your argument. This arrangement works WONDERFULLY for the woman in the relationship. She gets the full romance package: flowers, jewelry, romantic dinners, special trips, presents multiple times a year, etc. And she never has to give sex to her boyfriend, and has a bulletproof "I'm saving myself" excuse for not doing it. It's heaven, it's paradise, it's ultimate bliss. All getting, no giving. I assume that things like chest-to-chest hugging and French kissing are still allowed, although if they're not, then how is this different from platonic friendship, based on things other than a promise "after the wedding"?

But it puts the man at a disadvantage. He's still expected to take his girlfriend out to romantic dinners. He's still expected to give her flowers "just because". He's still expected to take her on a romantic retreat at a bed and breakfast. And he's still expected to give her jewelry and other presents on her birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day, and Sweetest Day. If he doesn't do that, he loses the relationship in favor of a man who does. But he NEVER gets sex in return. It's like working your butt off at the office, and your boss (because hey, women are usually the gatekeepers of relationships) says he/she wants to "save your paycheck for after the promotion". Still good or maybe not?



Moviefan2k4
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 20 Sep 2013
Age: 41
Gender: Male
Posts: 944
Location: Texas

12 Dec 2013, 12:36 pm

If you're doing all those things to get anything in return, then its not the right reason. You're being selfish, which is a huge turn-off to many people...especially women. Gifts and such is nice, but if they're not from a loving heart, it doesn't matter.


_________________
God, guns, and guts made America; let's keep all three.


Bomir
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 27 Feb 2013
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 66

12 Dec 2013, 12:43 pm

Only people that have been lucky enough to never have been in a sexually incompatible relationship will tell you that you should wait until marriage. It is a living Hell. Sexual compatibility is foundation block in a relationship people don't often talk about because many people end up with an average compatibility. However, when its wrong it horrible and you wouldn't wish it on your worst enemy. It is NOT worth the risk to go into a relationship with this compatibility untested. Best of luck.



Aspie1
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 7 Mar 2005
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,148
Location: United States

12 Dec 2013, 12:59 pm

Moviefan2k4 wrote:
If you're doing all those things to get anything in return, then its not the right reason. You're being selfish, which is a huge turn-off to many people...especially women. Gifts and such is nice, but if they're not from a loving heart, it doesn't matter.

It's not about quid pro quo (doing one thing to get another). It's an EXPECTATION. It's what a man needs to do to keep the relationship from ending. Otherwise, he's not making his girlfriend feel special, and she will break up with him because of that. So why would I spend a fortune on gifts, for someone to "feel special", when all I'll get is a hug and a kiss? I sure as hell won't feel special from that alone, in which case, a break-up is in order. Heck, I've gotten hugs and kisses from strange women on a cruise, after just spending a few hours with them, doing things like Latin dancing and taking fun pictures together, with me buying them a drink or two at most.

A word about sexual incompatibility. I experienced just that with a girl I was seeing recently. She was cool as a person, but I just wasn't enjoying the way she was hugging and kissing me; I didn't find her way of doing it to be affectionate enough. It's hard to understand if you're not in that situation, but I understood it perfectly. On one hand, I'm sexually hungry; on the other hand, I didn't feel right stringing that girl along. After some time with my conscience gnawing at me, I decided to do the right thing: break up with her before anyone became too attached. It went over pretty well, and we can still hang out together, more or less with no problems.