Advice Needed from Aspie Men

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I have been loving my loyal and quirky aspie now for over a year and a half. He gets cold sores on his mouth in the winter (quite frequently in the cold season), and sometimes, when he remembers, he takes Acyclovir to heal the sores quicker.

Is it a fair expectation for me to expect (HOPE, not demand) that he take Acyclovir everyday to suppress viral shedding so that I do not get herpes? I'll share a little background history...

1. I was raped right before he and I started dating, and I was mistakenly told by my gyno at the time that I had contracted genital herpes. This was so traumatic for me, more so than the rape itself.. and for four months I believed that I had this incurable STD. I was suicidal and felt like my life was over. I took Acyclovir everyday, even though I never had an outbreak (because I would later find out I didn't even have herpes), mainly so as to decrease viral shedding so that I would not give this awful thing to my new bf (previously mentioned aspie). While thinking I had herpes, I researched the hell out of everything related to HSV I and II so I am well-versed in its transmission and viral suppression with drugs like Valtrex or Acyclovir.

2. I have tested negative for HSV type I and II four times, and I have never had a cold sore or genital sore, so I believe I am 100% herpes-free (miraculous, given how common it is).

3. I also have Trigeminal Neuralgia, which is a facial nerve pain condition which can be triggered by the slightest touch, even wind. I do get canker sores in my mouth (which are not contagious and are common when your immune system is low or you eat salty food), and these make my Trigeminal sometimes unbearable. I cannot imagine how getting frequent cold sores on my mouth would affect my Trigeminal. I'd probably be a basketcase.

4. I have a little son, who I am very affectionate with. I would hate to not be able to kiss him ever again, fearing I would transmit herpes if I contracted it from my aspie.

I have nicely asked my boyfriend or eluded to the idea that it would be really considerate for him to take acyclovir daily, at least in the winter, so that a) he would get way less cold sores and they would be less severe and b) it would drastically decrease his chances of sharing the herpes with me, or anyone else for that matter. He does take the acyclovir (when he remembers, which is when I remind him and demand he do it) when he actively has sores, but then he immediately stops. I feel like this is selfish, especially given that I took Acyclovir daily for 4 months just for his sake without needing it myself at all. I know genital herpes is way scarier than cold sores, but the virus is the same (sometimes they are different strands... too much to go into here). Also, I should note, Acyclovir is dirt cheap and has virtually no side effects for the majority of people.

So knowing all of this, is it completely unreasonable for me to hope or expect that he would take Acyclovir solely so as to not give me herpes? I still have PTSD as silly as that sounds post-rape and post-false-herpes-diagnosis. I REALLY am petrified of contracting this. I feel like it would ruin my life, which, again, I know is kindof a bizarre notion.

I would appreciate any feedback. I am neurotypical by the way.

No I don't think it's unreasonable for you to want him to use that every day so he doesn't get cold sores.

However, there may not be much you can do to get him to actually do it. It's hard for me to remember to take medications, brush my teeth and take showers on a daily basis, so I can totally understand where he's coming from in terms of forgetting to take the cold sore medication.
He's not being selfish, probably just forgetful, maybe he doesn't really understand how big of a deal it is that he take it.

For me, if I had to take something in order to please a loved one to prevent them from having something physically and emotionally traumatic happen to them, I would try my best to take it every day. I'd be able to, if I saw my loved one on a daily basis or lived with them, but if I saw them maybe a couple times out of the week, it'd be much harder (out of sight, out of mind, you know?)

If you've tried numerous times to explain to him the importance of taking it, and have been reminding and demanding him to take it and it's STILL a problem and he winds up getting them, then maybe you should try not being around him at all until they go away.
Perhaps he will not like the consequences of him not taking the cold sore medication and become more motivated to do so in the future.

It's like the old saying, "You can take the horse to his water, but you can't make him drink it." My mom was constantly on me to take my blood thinning medication for months, but I'd still forget. Since I haven't had any health complications from not taking them, my mom's just given up. Even when I was taking them I kept forgetting to go to the doctor to get my blood levels checked.

Remembering to take medications is the hardest thing for me. That and brushing my teeth. I've been blessed with having great teeth genetics because somehow they're all there and still white. You'd think I'd have dentures by now.


EDIT: I'd like to add there's certain medications I did never forget to take because they were important to me. I had a bout of cold sores about 2-3x in my life (thanks to my big sis who had gotten them first and then liked to hug and kiss me all the time ) and I never forgot to take my cold sore medication because I hated the way they looked and I didn't want them to discourage any potential ladies.
I also had another more personal medication I never forgot to take because it was important to my psyche and the way that I looked.
Just thought I'd add that.

Hmmm... He would need to take the treatment would be my opinion and keep it under control. I remember being asked recently if I ever get cold sores, and I answered yes but didn't know for sure if this cold sore was really a cold sore, or just a pimple in a really wierd spot. Seeing I don't know what caused it, and that it disappeared without treatment after three days, I doubt I ever had a cold sore. this has happened a few times, but I don't remember the last time it happened.

You want advice from only aspie men? Oh well.

If you contract these sores and can't ever go back to not having them...will you regret it? It would petrify me too, to the point that I would end the relationship. Plus even if this guy is forgetful and he doesn't mean it, why should you let his forgetfulness potentially give you an infection? Doesn't that sound stupid to you that it's completely preventable? I would be hitting myself over the head forever if I ever contracted them, knowing fully well that *I* could've prevented it from happening.

Sorry to sound harsh.

Thank you to each of you for your thoughtful responses. Advice from AS or NT men or women is welcome, I didn't mean to be exclusive, just specific. Yes, I feel like I would be regretting it if I contracted oral herpes (or any other kind!) from him. I feel like I would be resentful towards him because it's so easy to prevent up to 95% of viral shedding by taking a medication like Valtrex or Acyclovir. I will not let him perform oral on me anymore since realizing last winter how often he gets them, because I've had several friends contract HSV I or II GENITALLY through cold sores on their partner's mouth. I would be so upset because I've expressed that it's something I want to avoid getting like the plague, because for me, I have those extenuating circumstances... I don't want to end the relationship over the issue, however, because he is a great man and I love him dearly. What's the best way to put my foot down over the issue without coming off as a controlling b***h? Also, I can't just avoid kissing him when he has the sores (which I do avoid), because you are actually most contagious right before you get one. My mom can always tell before she is going to get one because she gets this "tingling" sensation in her lips. However, my bf has some sensory issues and perhaps because of this isn't always totally cognizant of his body and he can't tell until WHAMMO he gets a nasty blister. I've been lucky not to contract it yet, actually. It's kindof irritating me that it seems to me like such a simple solution yet he doesn't get how important it is to me.

The vast majority of people are infected, as you pointed out. Even if they never show any symptoms. Taking lysine supplements and avoiding peanuts (which are extremely high in arginine) helps as well. Ultimately, if you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man, it's something that you're going to have to come to terms with. Is it an annoying and misunderstood disease? Yeah, but like HPV, the rate of infection is so high that there's not much you can do about it. Even if you ended your relationship and found someone else, statistically speaking they've probably been exposed to an incurable virus. Plus, once your body developed antibodies for the virus, it becomes that much harder to transmit from your lips to any other part of your body.

You may want to talk to a professional about the psychological trauma you suffered as well. Nobody should have to deal with something like that without the help of someone who's trained to do it.

Don't allude to or hint at things with aspies. He probably won't figure out what you are alluding to and will then feel hurt that you didn't tell him directly. Tell him straight. Tell him everything you've just told us.

Try and help him to get it into part of his daily routine so that he remembers. Maybe if he keeps the medication next to his toothbrush and puts it on his lips after he brushes his teeth everyday as part of his daily routine then he might remember.

Is he averse to taking medication? Is it a memory problem (as in he has a hard time incorporating it into his routine)? Does he not consider it important, therefore he isn't wiling to put forth the effort to take the medication?

The next time you discuss the issue with him, I recommend doing two things:

1) I would remind him of how important it is to you that he takes his medication on a regular basis and WHY it is important to you that he takes his medication on a regular basis.

2) I would ask him why he has a hard time taking the medication on a regular basis and ask him what you can do to help.

You might also want to mention how it hurts your feelings that he does not take this issue as seriously as you do. From the way that you describe your boyfriend, he would not want to hurt you or be inconsiderate intentionally. On the other hand. It might put him on the defensive and make him rebel. Aspies can be pretty stubborn. However, we do respond to logic and reason (Tell us exactly what you want us to do, why you want us to do it, and give us a reason that makes sense to us, and we will happily cooperate).

Cold sores can be caused by several viruses and not all of them contagious. First I'd just remind him daily. Say it's important that he does this and that he should think of it as a consideration for you. Be gentle and easy but always remind him. I forget daily tasks unless they are present as an issue. Also have him tested find out if what actually causes it is something to be worried about or not. It may not be something that's an issue from what I've read you didn't say it's an STD it may not be transmissible by kissing or touch. If he gets angry or annoyed just explain that it's really important and you're sorry to be a bother but you need him to take of himself like he'd take care of you.

What else causes cold sores besides the herpes simplex virus (HSV)? I've never heard of anything else, but please enlighten me if I'm wrong.





This is true, many people are infected with type I and still lots of people with type II and don't realize it because they either never had an outbreak or only had one or two. I feel like it is probably inevitable that I will contract this from him at some point, but I'd feel much better about it if we were doing everything to prevent that from happening and that it happened anyways, as opposed to it being very preventable but I contracted it needlessly bc he didn't take a simple pill. And yes, I probably should seek counseling for all that's happened but I'm a single mother (with no "weekend dad" in the picture) with a full time job and it wouldn't be very easy for me to have alone time to see a counselor right now. Plus, I think for the most part, I've dealt through much of what's happened in a healthy way, as I've seen counselors before for other issues and still use the strategies.

It would be difficult to get him tested (to see if it's type I, which is more common, less aggressive, prefers the mouth, and tends to give less common, less severe outbreaks or type II which prefers the genitals [ but you can get either in either location], is more severe, less common, and gives you more frequent, severe outbreaks. I can't even get him to see the doctor, for anything. He's very adverse to medical attention of any kind and even more adverse to doing things for himself.



Yes, I'm afraid you're right. I just can't understand how he couldn't "get it" because we've talked about it at least 5 times, but yes, you're right. What's the right thing to say? He tends not to handle people telling him what to do too well.

Ok edit. I looked around abit you were right about the viruses. I must have gotten it mixed up with warts silly me.

Getting a prescription for this is really easy. Basically, you can go to pretty much any clinic, tell the doctor that you know you have it, and you'll probably get a prescription immediately. There's no reason anyone would lie about it, and it's not like you can abuse the medication recreationally.

He actually understands that infecting you with herpes (something he should want to avoid regardless) will aggravate your PTSD from being raped and also your Trigeminal Neuralgia, but cannot be bothered to take a pill every day? Honestly, I would not put up with that and would end the relationship.

People with Asperger's can be absent-minded, but we should be expected to remember to do something simple that could prevent intense physical and mental suffering in someone we love. This isn't in the same league as not remembering where you've put your car keys or something. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I'd honestly like to kick him right now.

Edit: Looking back at your post, I'm not clear on whether or not you've been direct with him about how much this is impacting you. If you haven't been, please start.

That's why monogamy is best.

I'm not sure what this is in reference to? Perhaps it is a misunderstanding on your part of the term "herpes," or of the situation. I am in a monogamous relationship. The "herpes" I keep referring to is most likely herpes simplex virus type 1, which is the strand of the virus that gives people cold sores, which is an outward symptom of a virus that more than 50% or people here in the US have (many asymptomatically). I, luckily and fortunately for me, have managed to dodge this bullet and do not have this virus. Herpes simplex virus type 2 is the strand that prefers the genital region and causes more frequent and severe outbreaks. You can, however, as I stated in a previous post, contract either virus in either region, although they have their "preferred regions." My monogamous boyfriend has had cold sores since he was a little child, probably contracted from his parents or a well-meaning "kissing aunt" or grandma. I am actually his first real relationship. I take umbrage in your comment about monogamy. Was it not clear that this is a monogamous relationship? Anyways...



It is very frustrating for me, and I have been clear and explicit, but maybe what I think of as explicit is not. Being a neurotypical in an AS-NT relationship, I've encountered misunderstandings often. Sometimes I think something is so incredibly obvious, or that saying something once should be enough to remember it. This, I've learned, is not always the case. I will try again to broach the topic and be straight to the point and clear about what I expect him to do (again). I don't want to offend him by asking him so many times, but I don't know what else to do to get the point across. I feel like it would be unfair to give him an ultimatum "Start taking the medication or it's over" but I'm feeling like he may need to hear it put that way to understand how important it is to me. Thank you for your input

I'm not sure what this is in reference to? Perhaps it is a misunderstanding on your part of the term "herpes," or of the situation. I am in a monogamous relationship. The "herpes" I keep referring to is most likely herpes simplex virus type 1, which is the strand of the virus that gives people cold sores, which is an outward symptom of a virus that more than 50% or people here in the US have (many asymptomatically). I, luckily and fortunately for me, have managed to dodge this bullet and do not have this virus. Herpes simplex virus type 2 is the strand that prefers the genital region and causes more frequent and severe outbreaks. You can, however, as I stated in a previous post, contract either virus in either region, although they have their "preferred regions." My monogamous boyfriend has had cold sores since he was a little child, probably contracted from his parents or a well-meaning "kissing aunt" or grandma. I am actually his first real relationship. I take umbrage in your comment about monogamy. Was it not clear that this is a monogamous relationship? Anyways...



It is very frustrating for me, and I have been clear and explicit, but maybe what I think of as explicit is not. Being a neurotypical in an AS-NT relationship, I've encountered misunderstandings often. Sometimes I think something is so incredibly obvious, or that saying something once should be enough to remember it. This, I've learned, is not always the case. I will try again to broach the topic and be straight to the point and clear about what I expect him to do (again). I don't want to offend him by asking him so many times, but I don't know what else to do to get the point across. I feel like it would be unfair to give him an ultimatum "Start taking the medication or it's over" but I'm feeling like he may need to hear it put that way to understand how important it is to me. Thank you for your input