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mikegee
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08 Feb 2007, 1:49 pm

i have a radical concept:

i have lived 42 years of my life thinking i was NT. I adapted very well. But i always knew i had idiocentric tendencies i could never fully explain. So did my parents. we never talked of it, we just went through life, doing the best we could. Last year, my friend asked me why i lacked eye contact, and would ramble on about subjects of discussion nobody else was interested in... i had other symptoms too, in fact, most of them. i self researched and loough and behold, i realized i had aspergers, allbeit, perhaps, mild, or...?

i was thinking if i was raised NT, then i adapted quite well. if one does not know, one adapts. i did quite well.

ahhh, but then last year when i realized i had aspergers, i kind of, no, i backtracked, backslided, thinking i needed to be more authentic, and to embrace my aspieness as reality. this caused issues in my life, because i was no longer functioning as an adapted, but functioning as an aspie. this caused many problems for me, mostly emotional and social.

i soon had a self realization, that i, due to my NT upbringing, indeed, i am a combination of both, NT and aspie! biologically, aspie, but enviromentally, NT!! ! and so i decided to conglomerate the two. i came too far my 42 years to throw away all the growth and learning in my life.

And so, i actually feel self actualized! it is a phenomenal feeling to know i have aspie strengths and attributes and creative abilities, yet, i have developed the socialization skills in my lifetime to communicate, socialize, learn, overcome...

anybody else out there have a similar gestalt? when i made this realization this morning, it felt like life was amazing, incredible and exciting.

I feel like i have the best of both worlds!



maldoror
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08 Feb 2007, 3:03 pm

Only just a few weeks ago I accepted having Asperger's, and up until then I was socializing my little heart out trying to prove to myself that I was as good as anyone else. Now I have a really hard time talking to anyone. But I'm sure i'll work up the enthusiasm again at some point.



mikegee
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08 Feb 2007, 3:24 pm

good maldoror! remember, even though you recently learned you have aspergers, dont forget all the socialization techniques you learned before you knew. i think the important thing is not to go backwards, and feel polarized, but learn to understand yourself better, and incorporate the new you with the old you. it is working very well for me.

i think im going to write a book on this...

mike



mikegee
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08 Feb 2007, 3:25 pm

ps i do not think having either aspergers or being NT is good or bad. they are simply different.



ZanneMarie
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08 Feb 2007, 3:48 pm

I never considered myself NT, nor did anyone who ever actually met me. I think most people think I am extremely eccentric and shy. If anything, they all seem to rush around trying to overprotect me. Of course, this usually causes me to go into overload and leave. Anyway, even though I never considered myself NT, I didn't know what I was. I'm 47, so there was no AS when I was growing up. You were just weird and I was weird beyond weird. Despite that, I learned NT behavior enough to get along when I had to (although I am a social idiot and cannot read a face, understand eyes or get subcontexts to save my life). I've just always told people flat out that I'm a social idiot and they have to be literal. It's always taken awhile, but after they see the deer in the headlights look enough times when I don't get it, they realize that I really do not get it.

I actually just figured out I was Aspie when I decided to write about two Aspie characters. I was well into writing them (they are both conglomerates of me and my best friend), when I went out to do research and realized, hey this is me! I took the test and voila! It's me! So, now I simply know for sure what I've always known...I am a stranger in a strange land. No big surprise there. I haven't dwelled on it or changed anything. I still do enough NT stuff to get along, but that's about it. I still have NT friends I do specific things with and they go out of their way to stay in contact with me. I still have an Aspie best friend who is like my mirror twin (we even have the same first name). I still have an OCD husband, five brothers and a bizarro mother. My dad and favorite aunt are still gone. Basically, the world is the same. I just realized that there is a name for my beyond weird behavior. I don't use it. It's still easier for NTs if I just say I'm a social idiot. They seem to be able to grasp that concept and it doesn't make them defensive or mean.



Candymanic
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08 Feb 2007, 4:53 pm

I'm quite like that. After being first diagnosed, i never truely understood it until a few years later. Even then, i would consider it like something that can be beaten and taken care of. And woe and behold i did it: by the time i was 17, i'd completely dealt with it. Or so it seemed. But at the time, i was an eccentric but otherwise well-adapted individual.

However not long ago (about 6/7 months) i realised that whilst i had climbed a hill in terms of being a child with aspergers, i had an even bigger hill to climb: being an adult with aspergers, and i guess i've kinda slacked. My abilities have slumped, i seem to be increasingly playing the 'disease card' with it and i seem to be regressing. Atm i'm starting to fight back, and hoping i can take care of this as well.

I believe the trick is is acknoledging having AS, but at the same time treating it as being without a few aces in your deck, instead of missing the whole pack and not playing the game at all: Sure you can't win the traditional way, but i'm sure you can improvise in ways most 'normals' don't normally do!



pluto
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08 Feb 2007, 7:17 pm

I always knew there was something different about me and I think I learned ways of
being a 'people person' in order to cope.When I learned about AS last year at 46 it was
a bit of a shock at first but I soon felt as if it reinforced any abilities I had to understand
myself as well as others. I look at it as if I'm living in a world where I don't speak the
native 'social language',but I'm fluent enough to get by in most situations.



Sedaka
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08 Feb 2007, 7:23 pm

i feel like that too... having only found out about AS this past summer.

ive read here from several other members that they've noticed this phenomenon too.

as with most things... there is always a genetic ND environmental facter :)


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nicklegends
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08 Feb 2007, 10:35 pm

I felt a very similar trend was going to happen with me. I found myself embracing my aspieness a lot more after joining this forum than I did before it, which brought me a peculiar sensation of happiness and sadness at the same time. I was happy because I finally had people to relate my situation to when nobody else I knew in the real world had it. I was sad because I came to a realization that I was, in fact an aspie, and that the bonds I'd form on WP would do me little good in the real world. I found myself relating every problem I had to AS, when before I would strive to be as normal as possible and overcome a difficult situation.

From my current perspective, though, I'm very happy I learned about WP. It has helped me to understand myself and identify ways to integrate into the rest of society.



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09 Feb 2007, 12:55 am

I have too, a personal take on this matter. I am another of the oldies on this site. I have been, well, just plain weird all my life. I believe I would have known this automatically, but in truth, oft those around me have been less than shy about informing me.

Across the decades of my life I have periodically devoted some of my conscious ability to the task of unraveling self. So I am an outlander. What and why? and I have made many point discoveries during the years of my life.

Sometimes the impetus to self explore comes from without. A few years the movie: "A Beautiful Mind" ran. Several of my NT friends told me that the lead character reminded them of me. I watched the film then, and felt real empathy for Dr. Nash. And with that as motivation, I studied a few high IQ sites, and learned a bit more about me.

Recently the FOX TV show "House" sparked some deep and intrinsic interest within me. As I have surfed the web, looking at Asperger's I have seen myself mirrored in the information offered on so many informative sites. Of all the major signs of AS I have all of them, of all the lesser ones: The ones that we know and that all too often the professionals do not, I have by estimate about 80%. Further, all the internal strangenesses that I have owned and exhibited and dealt with over the time of my life are within the definitions.

I do not have Asperger's, I am an Aspie.

About a year ago, I made a decision. I came to this decision well ahead of my recent self diagnosis. I determined that I would, at my advanced age, allow myself the freedom to talk to myself in public (soundlessly but with mouth flapping in the breeze) and that if anyone thinks me daft, perhaps they are right. I save myself some conscious effort. And for me, this freedom is a small portion of dignity.

My knowing of Asperger's, of my being an Aspie, is a great and wonderful prize. While I do not intend to foist upon the persons around me any negative aspects (other than those which these persons are already exposed to and accepting of) of my AS.

However, internally I have this: freedom. L et me explain. A year ago I could well, and all to often would find myself clumsy in some social interaction. A year ago I would have gone back to my house and felt bad twice. Once as having done it, and a second time in that I would have thought that I copuld have done better. And i would have crashed, I would have melted down.

But I now know that there is a deeper reason, and that I ought try to accomodate those around me, but also that i will inevitably fail in this attempt. That each time I find myself among a group that I am pushing my capabilities. that I will still try and very hard not to bodge my interactions, and that i will regret my faux pas. However, I am liberated from the meta feeling, the second down. I know that I did err once or twice, but after all, without a goodly and mostly successful effort that I would have done so a half a dozen timess, and to a greater degree. And I can regret my error, and still feel okay about my success.

Also. I have lived in a rural area for many years now and have found my linguistic skills fall. I have regretted this. I will regain my skills. I will once more be a grammarian. Long live Richard Lederer and William Safire. I will not allow all my AS to roll out like cannonballs onto the lawn. I will fit in as I can; while being me to the greatest extent that I can. I truly cannot be anyone else.

Thank you WP!



krex
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09 Feb 2007, 1:31 am

The main difference for me, after finding out about As,is realizing that I could stop psycho-analyzing myself as mentally ill due to childhood traumas.(although, I actually enjoyed this to some extent, as one would solving a puzzle.)I never really felt emotionally attached to this process but more as intellectual masturbation similar to crosswords and Sudoku.It has put a different slant on my understanding about how my parents "treated" me when I was younger(read....until around 36).I always felt like their constant criticism was a sign of their inherent dislike of me(perhaps true in some regards)but I also realize that they were trying to "NT" me,so that I could function better in NT world.They did,to some degree,as I can be fairly independent.I have been able to stay at the same job for 4 to 6 years and am in the longest relationship of my life(4 years),some of that is adjustment to NT rules and some just comes with maturity that most folks get with practice....just took me until II was late thirties to do what others do in their twenties.

I did not know about As until last year,at 42,so I couldnt have used it as a crutch to "keep me down".I feel I have tried my best and still have fallen short in most peoples eyes(even my own,somedays)...yet,I am the happiest I have ever been(ie,dont think about suicide every 5 min)I had made adjustments to my life before hearing about AS.I stopped forcing myself to be "social" just because therapist said I should.I take care of my basic needs,bills,work....but I dont feel as driven to "fit in".I allow myself my stuffed animals and lack of "mature" clothing.I have been waiting to feel "grown-up" for years and it doesnt seem to be happening as I thought with my parents role models....I will never play bride,golf,have kids,a morgage,etc.I thought I might turn into one of those polyester wearing suburbanite. as soon as my mohawk grew out...lol(I am glad I just grew up to be an aspie).


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