Masking too well?

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When you are on the spectrum you tend to learn to mask your true personality and it may be consciously or unconsciously done. My question is do you think it’s possible to learn to mask things so well that you really don’t seem to fit into either world anymore? The best thing I can liken it too is that it’s like being a half breed, your living in both worlds but not really accepted in either.

I don't know. I'd hope I wouldn't be rejected here or anywhere else just for wanting to get by in life with more ease.

I can relate - my psychologist told me I do a fairly decent job of covering my Asperger's.

But I do find it work to do so and to some extent have come to resent having to do so to make others feel comfortable. I want to be accepted and accomodated for who I am.

So lately I've been letting my real self show a bit more, and it's been interesting. Some people are OK with it, others seem not sure what to make of it. I know it makes me happier to be more myself.

My struggle is how far do I take this? How to I find the balance between what will work for me and what is accpetable to others. Why do we even have to have such tradeoffs?

I work in surgery. I usually work with one or two people for a few hours and then a different group. Because there are always new people I am able to mask my disability. I am pretty good at pulling it off in public as that I am high functioning. However I do find that long periods of acting abnormal (for myself) cause me severe exhaustion; and can make me quite argumentative.

Wearing the mask is no fun. Not only is living your life like a live stage performance and worrying about blowing your lines not only makes you anxious, but it is also mentally exhausting as well. But the part that really hurts about wearing a mask is knowing that you have to wear it and the people around you don't. You find yourself longing to and wishing you could be yourself abound other people and seeing how other interact with each other only reenforces that longing.

I believe the answer is we sometimes tend to put the right mask on; but in the wrong way.

So to get it straight, let's be specific about what we are discussing.

People with AS are by nature partly solitary, partly social - but can actually be very social under the right conditions. They value their integrity over the group. But they are social in a different way than NTs. They do not connect in the same way. They respond positive to positive social feedback. They respond negative to negative social feedback.
All in all, how they feel about others is determined by how they are treated by others (they judge behaviour). The main drive in people with AS is solo hunting, which only a sustained integrity can fuel.

NT people are by nature very social - so much that they often prefer bad company to no company! But they are social in a different way than AS people. They do not connect in the same way. They can respond either positive or negative to positive social feedback. They can respond either positive or negative to negative social feedback. This can make them very confusing to people with AS.
All in all, how NTs feel about others is determined by social hierarchies and social dynamics in their group (they judge the social performance of others, i.e. social status). The main drive in NT people is group hunting, which only sustained group dynamics and respected social hierarchies can fuel.


If you truly have AS you can do whatever you want, you will never become a true group hunter (i.e. truly value your group over your integrity).

If you are truly NT you can do whatever you want, you will never become a true solo hunter (i.e. truly value your integrity over your group).


AS people can act NT, but they will only do this because it benefits them to do so. They do not do it because they think the group is more important than their integrity. When you put on the NT-mask for your own sake, it might be a good idea to do (this could spare you from bullying and might be needed to go through education, jobs etc.). If you put on the NT-mask for the sake of some group, you will break down eventually and become depressed, because you are basically betraying your real innermost self.

Last edited by qawer on 19 Dec 2013, 2:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Because,

NTs value the group - that means they want you to become a true member of their group.

AS people value their integrity - that means they do not want to truly become a true member of an NT-group.


There are opposing interests involved. Therefore, it is often us who have to make the tradeoff and act as if we did want to become a true member of their NT group (put on the NT mask).

I think I have masked to much and it has been to my detriment. I did it because most of my life Aspergers was not known about so I was just "wrong". Even today there is a need to do it for survival. My delayed emotional reaction to events I believe is a result of constantly burying what I truly felt. I blame my stomach issues on that. I can see this causing or being a factor in bi-polar, multiple personalities and disassociation.

Last edited by ASPartOfMe on 20 Dec 2013, 5:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Very well said, this post and your post just before this one.

THIS is why I dislike being friends with NTs. I don't want to join any group. If I am going to be friends with someone, I just want to be friends as one individual to another. But NTs are always part of a group and they expect me to become part of their group. I just want to spend time with a close friend, one-on-one. NTs are incapable of relating that way. They constantly try to bring other people into it in some way. I guess they are just hard wired to do that. I don't think they even notice that they are doing it.

The tradeoff of wearing the mask is worth it to me for a job, or other survival purposes, but not in personal relationships.

Thank you,

I feel the same way. My relationships with NTs will probably forever be superficial. This group-thinking comes across as superficial to me. The key difference is that NTs (often) value others because of their abilities/performance, while AS people (often) value others because of how they treat them.

I do not want to be part of some group where my whole being is reduced to my survival abilities/performance. Nothing could get more superficial. NTs fall in love over that s**t.

FFS. Dude I want to thank you for putting it so succinctly.

My pleasure, I feel I have finally understood this whole NT/AS difference. The problems arise because NTs value the group the highest, while AS people value their integrity the highest. You cannot be a true member of a group and sustain an intact integrity. If you want an intact integrity you have to either not join a group, or only join a group that does not attack your integrity. NT-groups are really based on attacking each others integrity - that is considered "distinguished socialization" among them. The end result is we mostly do not like to be members of NT-groups.