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TheDoctor82
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22 Dec 2013, 2:45 am

I'd like to start by mentioning I've recently received massive closure over several burdensome events I went thru over the past few years.

However, there's one that's still on my mind to a degree:

While I am finally over my previous relationship, I still feel a bit angry with my ex-girlfriend.

I know I'll never fully get closure with her because she's not very smart, she's a bleeping liar, very irresponsible and very immature, and continues to make one bad decision after another. I recently heard that after getting pregnant mere months after we broke up, and being booted out by the father of her baby after he found out merely three weeks after the child's birth that she was using him the whole time, she's right back to dating not only a previous ex-boyfriend of hers, but one of the main guys she was cheating on me with when we were together.

Like I said, she's not a smart cookie, and basically she's a child trapped in an adult's body.

I have no reason to even talk further with her, as I know no good will come of it.

But I really want to move on from all of this; I want to forgive her for my own sake...to be finally set free. I don't want to think about these things anymore.

I could really use some pointers, and that's why I came here.

What say you folks?



em_tsuj
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22 Dec 2013, 2:53 am

The only thing that works for me is to keep the focus on me. To explore why I am angry, any unrealistic expectations, and any mistakes I have made. Then I forgive myself for the mistakes I have made and try not to make those same mistakes. I do not even think about getting into another relationship until I have grieved the previous one. I also try not to take things personally. I try to see the other person in an objective manner, not as my ex-girlfriend.

That's what works for me. It is painful as hell, and it takes longer than I would like it to, but it is so much better than examining the relationship and trying to learn from the experience.

My personal opinion is that anger is good. If somebody hurts me, I think it is appropriate to be angry. Maybe you need to be angry right now while you process what happened. You will know you have truly moved on when you are no longer angry.



Merle
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25 Dec 2013, 9:00 pm

TheDoctor82 wrote:
I'd like to start by mentioning I've recently received massive closure over several burdensome events I went thru over the past few years.

However, there's one that's still on my mind to a degree:

While I am finally over my previous relationship, I still feel a bit angry with my ex-girlfriend.

I know I'll never fully get closure with her because she's not very smart, she's a bleeping liar, very irresponsible and very immature, and continues to make one bad decision after another. I recently heard that after getting pregnant mere months after we broke up, and being booted out by the father of her baby after he found out merely three weeks after the child's birth that she was using him the whole time, she's right back to dating not only a previous ex-boyfriend of hers, but one of the main guys she was cheating on me with when we were together.

Like I said, she's not a smart cookie, and basically she's a child trapped in an adult's body.

I have no reason to even talk further with her, as I know no good will come of it.

But I really want to move on from all of this; I want to forgive her for my own sake...to be finally set free. I don't want to think about these things anymore.

I could really use some pointers, and that's why I came here.

What say you folks?


I know you mentioned it on another thread, but it would be better suited here: Did she break up with you, or did you break up with her?

If the former, the common adage is "the best way to get over someone is to under someone", and that means moving on to someone else, even if only temporarily as a salve.

Failing that, and in any case, your feelings are your own. You're not going to find comfort in anything she says or does because you no longer trust her (or at least you shouldn't), and anything she says can and should be considered a means to entice/entrap you. Hormones via pregnancy and women simply is a bad combination.

She is finding her own path, and that path leads down some treacherous terrain. It's not your path, its hers. You were together for however long you were, and were able to walk/share some experiences, but at the end of the day, you two simply aren't together and probably shouldn't be for many good reasons.

So first, find solace that she will be moving on with her life, for better or worse. That she will find someone that is deserving of her, and vice versa.

You need to also move on, finding a means to "get over it" as they say and to not dwell on the 'what-ifs' or 'what-coulda-beens' of your life. That's simply baggage you (and we) don't need.

Focus on you. Have a house? Have a car? Have a good job? Have a bunch of hobbies to occupy you and your time? If no to any of those questions, you have work to do.



TheDoctor82
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25 Dec 2013, 9:03 pm

It is indeed the latter; I was the one who cut the cord, I really wasn't given a choice in the matter. And yes, it hurt like hell at the time.

I'm glad I did it, but still.

Oh believe me, I'm quite busy with other things, but at the same time I don't want to get into another relationship without having the proper closure at least for my own self.

I mean...it could be possible that if I meet someone great, I won't even think about her at all anymore, but as I'm not there yet, naturally that's not currently the case.



Merle
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26 Dec 2013, 11:47 am

TheDoctor82 wrote:
It is indeed the latter; I was the one who cut the cord, I really wasn't given a choice in the matter. And yes, it hurt like hell at the time.

I'm glad I did it, but still.

Oh believe me, I'm quite busy with other things, but at the same time I don't want to get into another relationship without having the proper closure at least for my own self.

I mean...it could be possible that if I meet someone great, I won't even think about her at all anymore, but as I'm not there yet, naturally that's not currently the case.


IMO, as we grow older, we accumulate regrets. This usually happens with people and relationships (versus not buying lottery tickets). Closure isn't always clean, and we simply start to appreciate our memories which forget the bad and remember the good.

At some point, you will NOT get closure with a relationship and simply will need to understand that sometimes people/situations are things that are entirely out of our control.

"Time heals all wounds" is an old adage. It may be appropriate with you in that you simply need to let it go, and understand that your past is passed.



TheDoctor82
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26 Dec 2013, 12:48 pm

Merle wrote:
TheDoctor82 wrote:
It is indeed the latter; I was the one who cut the cord, I really wasn't given a choice in the matter. And yes, it hurt like hell at the time.

I'm glad I did it, but still.

Oh believe me, I'm quite busy with other things, but at the same time I don't want to get into another relationship without having the proper closure at least for my own self.

I mean...it could be possible that if I meet someone great, I won't even think about her at all anymore, but as I'm not there yet, naturally that's not currently the case.


IMO, as we grow older, we accumulate regrets. This usually happens with people and relationships (versus not buying lottery tickets). Closure isn't always clean, and we simply start to appreciate our memories which forget the bad and remember the good.

At some point, you will NOT get closure with a relationship and simply will need to understand that sometimes people/situations are things that are entirely out of our control.

"Time heals all wounds" is an old adage. It may be appropriate with you in that you simply need to let it go, and understand that your past is passed.


What you say makes sense. I did email Dr. Ruth about it as well, but I really like what you said. Thank you. I think this will definitely help :)



Ashariel
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26 Dec 2013, 1:05 pm

Forgiveness is tough. I'm working on that too, with my own ex.

What's helped for me is to break it down into basic logic. People are human. Humans are imperfect. Humans make mistakes, and do stupid things, that sometimes hurt others.

I forgive my ex for being human, and imperfect, and doing stupid things that ended up hurting me. And I forgive myself for making the mistake of marrying him, and believing we were right for each other – because I'm human as well, and blunder into situations that are wrong for me.

I don't know if that helps, but I agree – getting closure on a relationship can be really hard! :(



TheDoctor82
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26 Dec 2013, 1:08 pm

Ashariel wrote:
Forgiveness is tough. I'm working on that too, with my own ex.

What's helped for me is to break it down into basic logic. People are human. Humans are imperfect. Humans make mistakes, and do stupid things, that sometimes hurt others.

I forgive my ex for being human, and imperfect, and doing stupid things that ended up hurting me. And I forgive myself for making the mistake of marrying him, and believing we were right for each other – because I'm human as well, and blunder into situations that are wrong for me.

I don't know if that helps, but I agree – getting closure on a relationship can be really hard! :(


Like I said, I want to forgive her not because she deserves it, but because I do.

She's gonna continue to do what she does, and even my friend referred to her family as "superstitious country bumpkins"; but....that's who they are. I can't change that, and deep down I don't want to; I just want to move on, and let someone else move into my life who truly does deserve it.



goldfish21
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27 Dec 2013, 1:09 am

Excommunicate her from your life and evict all thoughts of her from your head.

It doesn't make any sense that you even know all of these updates about her. Stop seeking out information about her, stop accepting it from others if it's offered - simply tell them you're not interested in hearing anything about her & politely change the topic. Remove yourself from the situation if others refuse to honour those boundaries and continue to tell you about her. Simply turn around and walk away and put some physical distance between yourself and whoever it is that's carrying on about her like she has any bearing on your life whatsoever anymore.

Don't entertain thoughts about her. If you catch yourself thinking about her, consciously make an effort to think about something else - or nothing at all via any of a number of meditation techniques. Don't allow yourself to waste any time thinking about her, because nothing good or productive will come of it. You'll just piss yourself off and waste time being frustrated like you are now.. to the point that you're expending more energy to create a thread like this in order to try to lear how to deal with it. How to deal with it is to refuse to allow yourself to be subjected to any of it by yourself or others anymore. It really is that simple. Good luck! 8)


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Geekonychus
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27 Dec 2013, 3:24 pm

Could have been worse......... At least it's not your baby.



TheDoctor82
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27 Dec 2013, 8:32 pm

Geekonychus wrote:
Could have been worse......... At least it's not your baby.


oh I'm fully aware of that.

I think I need to do a lot of de-stressing still, and start focusing on other things, and perhaps find another in the process.

As another on this thread said it best "the people are who they are; there's nothing I can do to change that"

It's true, and I have no desire to.

My only problem really is that people always tell me "remember the good times"...and...that's a little difficult now because since I don't know when she was being honest with me or not, I don't know what the good times were.

I know I got plenty out of the relationship...I'm a far better man for it, and got my currently social life from it, and I wouldn't trade them for the world.

However a close friend of mine now tells me "I have 5 years of dating experience to offer advice based on", and I'm like "yeah, except I really don't since I was lied to pretty much the entire time", so...that's kinda frustrating.