The reason why many are single

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Misslizard
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31 Dec 2013, 9:12 am

I'm a hermit living in a remote area.Its just too much effort and expense to drive somewhere to try and meet someone.And after all the trouble you wind up empty handed.


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31 Dec 2013, 10:06 am

delaSHANE wrote:
I would do it, right now, with someone on this very thread, if they were not so many countries, away from where I am.

If I were you, I would do it anyway. It may not be that expensive if you fly with a budget airline.



salamandaqwerty
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31 Dec 2013, 5:19 pm

delaSHANE wrote:
I'm definitely wanting the "mutual exchange", as opposed to "services". . .

I understand the point of your post, but if you were to format the title as a question, I would say, that, the reason why many are single, potentially stems from fear. Perhaps, this isn't correct with regard to all single people, but for many, it absolutely is.

For some, it is fear of "not being good enough", for whatever reason(s). Some have fear of saying the wrong things, coming off as foolish, being rejected, not being liked, etc, etc. Most, I believe, are afraid to approach a person and simply state, something to the affect of, "I find you interesting (or attractive, or what have you), and I am wondering if you would be interested in getting together, sometime." Most people are single, due to the fact that they do not find the courage to simply ask a person if they would have an interest in hanging out, and enjoying some fun, together.

I would do it, right now, with someone on this very thread, if they were not so many countries, away from where I am. I am ready to reach out. I have the courage and the desire. I want to meet people, make new connections, and perhaps, even find someone to share my life with, if that is what the future and the universe has in store, for me. I'm ready for all of it, and fear is no longer holding me back. . .


good for you, its great to hear something positive. grab onto what ever happiness you can. good luck


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delaSHANE
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31 Dec 2013, 6:54 pm

leafplant wrote:
delaSHANE wrote:

I would do it, right now, with someone on this very thread, if they were not so many countries, away from where I am. I am ready to reach out. I have the courage and the desire. I want to meet people, make new connections, and perhaps, even find someone to share my life with, if that is what the future and the universe has in store, for me. I'm ready for all of it, and fear is no longer holding me back. . .


Go for it!! Good luck! (can I claim to be the match maker?)

:heart: :heart: :heart: :heart:


Yes, of course, leafplant, if you can make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch...!

Happy New Year to you, and everyone, here! x x



The_Face_of_Boo
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31 Dec 2013, 7:01 pm

delaSHANE wrote:
I'm definitely wanting the "mutual exchange", as opposed to "services". . .

I understand the point of your post, but if you were to format the title as a question, I would say, that, the reason why many are single, potentially stems from fear. Perhaps, this isn't correct with regard to all single people, but for many, it absolutely is.

For some, it is fear of "not being good enough", for whatever reason(s). Some have fear of saying the wrong things, coming off as foolish, being rejected, not being liked, etc, etc. Most, I believe, are afraid to approach a person and simply state, something to the affect of, "I find you interesting (or attractive, or what have you), and I am wondering if you would be interested in getting together, sometime." Most people are single, due to the fact that they do not find the courage to simply ask a person if they would have an interest in hanging out, and enjoying some fun, together.

I would do it, right now, with someone on this very thread, if they were not so many countries, away from where I am. I am ready to reach out. I have the courage and the desire. I want to meet people, make new connections, and perhaps, even find someone to share my life with, if that is what the future and the universe has in store, for me. I'm ready for all of it, and fear is no longer holding me back. . .



Courage is not enough, you would also have to attract and to have what it takes for forging a relationship.

There are some single people here who are not afraid to meet and to ask out people but they fail at that or after that.



delaSHANE
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01 Jan 2014, 1:18 am

@ Face of Boo... in regard to your post, I, too have failed at it. Multiple times. Are you saying that if you fail, you are no longer able to pick yourself up, by your bootstraps, and try again? The more you try, the less it hurts when it doesn't work out, and the more you try, the higher the probability you will connect with the right person/people. : )



Last edited by delaSHANE on 01 Jan 2014, 1:28 am, edited 1 time in total.

delaSHANE
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01 Jan 2014, 1:24 am

salamandaqwerty wrote:
delaSHANE wrote:
I'm definitely wanting the "mutual exchange", as opposed to "services". . .

I understand the point of your post, but if you were to format the title as a question, I would say, that, the reason why many are single, potentially stems from fear. Perhaps, this isn't correct with regard to all single people, but for many, it absolutely is.

For some, it is fear of "not being good enough", for whatever reason(s). Some have fear of saying the wrong things, coming off as foolish, being rejected, not being liked, etc, etc. Most, I believe, are afraid to approach a person and simply state, something to the affect of, "I find you interesting (or attractive, or what have you), and I am wondering if you would be interested in getting together, sometime." Most people are single, due to the fact that they do not find the courage to simply ask a person if they would have an interest in hanging out, and enjoying some fun, together.

I would do it, right now, with someone on this very thread, if they were not so many countries, away from where I am. I am ready to reach out. I have the courage and the desire. I want to meet people, make new connections, and perhaps, even find someone to share my life with, if that is what the future and the universe has in store, for me. I'm ready for all of it, and fear is no longer holding me back. . .


good for you, its great to hear something positive. grab onto what ever happiness you can. good luck


Thank you, qwerty! Forgive me. I did not see your message, earlier, when I had responded to leafplant. I appreciate your encouraging and thoughtful words! x Happy New Year, btw!



delaSHANE
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01 Jan 2014, 1:38 am

Flyer wrote:
delaSHANE wrote:
I would do it, right now, with someone on this very thread, if they were not so many countries, away from where I am.

If I were you, I would do it anyway. It may not be that expensive if you fly with a budget airline.


True, Flyer! Thank you.



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01 Jan 2014, 1:47 am

Nambo wrote:
I would say its because we cannot speak in the language of Love, somebody might like us, but they are not going to come up to us and say, "look, I really fancy you, will you ask me out please", no, instead they send out various signs and signals that say the same in the form of body language, but as we cannot read them we do not hear their invitations.

Like wise, we cannot give out signals of our own, except off putting signals like staring.


This is so true, and so eloquently stated. . .



Pabbicus
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01 Jan 2014, 1:50 am

delaSHANE wrote:
Nambo wrote:
I would say its because we cannot speak in the language of Love, somebody might like us, but they are not going to come up to us and say, "look, I really fancy you, will you ask me out please", no, instead they send out various signs and signals that say the same in the form of body language, but as we cannot read them we do not hear their invitations.

Like wise, we cannot give out signals of our own, except off putting signals like staring.


This is so true, and so eloquently stated. . .


I'm my experience it's not enough to pick up on it. You have to say the password when you walk up to them, but we don't get to learn it.



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03 Jan 2014, 10:36 pm

babybird wrote:
I'm single because I'm too lazy to look, and I'm asexual, so it makes things tricky. :roll:


agreed being in a relationship sounds like a full time job when can one get the time to smell the roses ?


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03 Jan 2014, 10:40 pm

because we don't know how to trick people in to thinking where loveable, thank god our pets can see it :)


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em_tsuj
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04 Jan 2014, 3:55 am

Schneekugel wrote:
em_tsuj wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
I'm begining to feel like some of these "male" problems apply to me. I feel like my problem is that I'm not approaching men and talking to them so that they can get to know what I'm really like.

No men approach me, so I guess that I've got to learn to do the approaching, but I have little to no self confidence and it doesn't matter how much I blow dry my hair into a fancy hairdo or add mascara to my eyes to make them look bigger or wear a dress that emphasises my figure it seems that I just get stared at and no one talks to me. I've realised I have to change and start approaching men myself. But it feels like I'm not supposed to do it! It's so difficult to go against the grain.


Do you flirt? Maybe the guys assume you are unavailable.


The thing is: Flirting according to typical NT rules, is something that should be done by woman, very decent. In opposite to most of the blaming here in the forum, according to social rules its actually the woman that should start engaging, by giving males she is interested in nonverbal clues, about her being ok with them engaging with her. So according to normal NT rules its the man, thats doing the step of finally doing by physical approaching, but only after receiving non-direct signals with the woman being ok with that. O_o

If you are not able to send this signals instinctively, as you assumed yourself, that lets guy instinctively assume on the opposite, that you are unavailable, because otherwise you "normally" would give them instinctively the nonverbal clues to be available and interested in them approaching to flirt with you. -.-

Doing the first step of flirting in a more direct form, so by not doing the step of sending the nonverbal clue to the man to tell him to do engage on his side further, but simply approaching directly to him yourself, instead is still seen by many men as rude behavior. So you are taking away "the active part what is supposed to be his job" and are giving them "the passive part" that is supposed to be the womans part. Some guys simply cant deal with that.

So on one side, because of your lacks, you are enabled to send the clues you are supposed to send. On the other side, trying to use the solution of communicating your interest more directly by simply approaching to a certain men, scares or annoys of 2/3 of them and makes them loose interest in you. -.-

My personal solution was to simply accept that, and still engage on my own on men, and to dont give a f**k about it if something thinks that "not to be appropriate". At least the men not automatically rejecting you, because of you not acting "as you should as a normal girl" will as well have a higher chance on accepting other treats of you as well not that stubborn. If someone is so focused on social rules and normality, that he gets already annoyed by a girl "daring to approach him directly" then there will be anyway no real chances on a working relationship with an Asperger.


Thanks for elaborating. When I asked her if she flirted, I was referring to the non-verbal body language or tone of voice that indicates a woman is interested. I have learned very slowly over time to pick up on those cues and have learned not to approach women who do not send out those non-verbal signals.



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04 Jan 2014, 7:17 am

Well, after reading that description (and it is a very good description) I still don't know. I automatically flirt with men I am attracted to if we are able to converse and I feel comfortable with him. Like a couple of guys I can think of, one was too old, the other was married, so nothing happened. But we flirted easily.

Maybe men feel more comfortable with me if they know they aren't available and it doesn't matter what they say because I can't shoot them down because they never were going to take it further. There is nothing to lose for them.

I've read body language books with the view of trying to improve, but with someone I don't know so well, then it is more difficult. It feels false, awkward and laughable.

I am not the sort who goes to bars and flirts with random strangers. I am not the sort who goes to bars period. No money and too noisy.



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04 Jan 2014, 8:02 am

Simply put, I'm single because I haven't found the right person yet. The word "right" in that sentence should not be taken lightly.



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04 Jan 2014, 2:30 pm

hurtloam wrote:
I automatically flirt with men I am attracted to if we are able to converse and I feel comfortable with him. Like a couple of guys I can think of, one was too old, the other was married, so nothing happened. But we flirted easily.


Flirting? I can't even tell when people are flirting with me. I only knew some women liked me in the past because they outright said it. It's why I wish women were more straightforward.

______________________________________________________________________

Here are some articles that pertain to what I posted earlier:

http://www.theguardian.com/society/2013 ... s-epidemic

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfre ... eople-jobs

http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/content/ ... w=Standard


Loneliness is fairly common. It happens to NTs just as much.

.....