The reason why many are single

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JackV
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05 Jan 2014, 11:49 am

I don't know if the women posting negative stereotypes in this thread here all have AS, but they certainly aren't giving a useful perspective to myself. Stating that I can't find someone because I want a surrogate mother is grossly inaccurate, and the apparent ease with which you've had casual relationships discredits any possible understanding you might have of the loneliness and suffering I and those like me experience into an advanced age, and the causes.



leafplant
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05 Jan 2014, 12:04 pm

JackV wrote:
I don't know if the women posting negative stereotypes in this thread here all have AS, but they certainly aren't giving a useful perspective to myself. Stating that I can't find someone because I want a surrogate mother is grossly inaccurate, and the apparent ease with which you've had casual relationships discredits any possible understanding you might have of the loneliness and suffering I and those like me experience into an advanced age, and the causes.


I don't think anyone is stating anything specifically about you - that would be impossible because this is your first post here and nobody knows anything about you. Did you read the the title of the thread carefully? It says the reason 'many' are single. It doesn't even specify that it is many people on the autism spectrum because it actually refers to many people. NTs and others included. If you see yourself in the description, than that is up to you.

And I have never found it easy to have relationship let alone casual ones. Also, I don't think I've ever had a casual relationship. In my previous relationship I had to do all the work and even go so far as to take the initiative to kiss the guy and tell him I liked him just to then have him tell me that he was in a confused space in his head and wasn't ready for a relationship. But as we had been friends for a while up until that point he decided to give me a chance after thinking about it. Believe me, that was really not easy to do for me as I had obsessed about this guy for over a year previously and thought he didn't find me attractive at all.

Since I've been single I've been attracted to several guys but none of them asked me out and I wasn't ready to take rejection so didn't ask them although I tried what I could do further things and ended up embarrassing myself hugely on all accounts. That's just what you have to be prepared to risk if you want to get close to people.

I don't know what your particular problems are though, and nobody can offer advice or solutions that would fit all people and all situations.



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05 Jan 2014, 1:02 pm

JackV wrote:
I don't know if the women posting negative stereotypes in this thread here all have AS, but they certainly aren't giving a useful perspective to myself. Stating that I can't find someone because I want a surrogate mother is grossly inaccurate, and the apparent ease with which you've had casual relationships discredits any possible understanding you might have of the loneliness and suffering I and those like me experience into an advanced age, and the causes.


Good, you should make someone a good partner then. This has helped you. It has helped you see a strength you have and something that you have to offer to women. Embrace your strengths.

I'm lonely too. Never been in a proper relationship. Never done the casual sex thing either. Saying what women do and do not like in a man doesn not mean that we don't understand that some men feel very lonely, as lonely as I feel, but just because we are lonely doesn't mean that makes us automatically a good partner for someone. Being lonely doesn't mean that I deserve to be loved like everyone else. I want to be loved, but that doesn't mean anyone has to love me.

I know older people who have been married for decades who mock single people by saying that the single people complain about an "apparent lack of suitable partners." Basically what they are saying is that the single people should just get together because they are single and are available. They see a single man they know and they see a single woman they know and think, "well they are stupid, look there is an available person, therefore they can't complain that there are no other available people, why don't they just get married already" but they totally disregard whether the two single people are compatible or not or whether th.
ey annoy each other and drive each other to distraction..

I'm not saying that all aspies want a surrogate mother or that anyone sets out with that idea in the first place. But it is a point I want to bang home because I have two divorced relatives that ended up with men with poor executive functioning skills and it drove them insane. They had to do everything. The man hadn't been looking for a surogate mother, but that's what their wives ended up feeling like.

*edit* I'm sorry if I come over as harsh sometimes. Maybe I'm just listing the things that scare I'll me. I've had so many older women bitterly telling me just to avoid relationships and tell me all the things that went wrong with theirs. I always worry that a relationship might ruin my life and I'll have all these bitter hags pointing and saying: I told you so.



delaSHANE
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05 Jan 2014, 6:57 pm

I think it is not such a good thing, to only quote certain 'parts' of another person's post. I think that, with all do respect, some people are taking hurtloam's comment(s) out of context, and that is not fair, in terms of having a productive conversation on the subject at hand, as well as lacking some respect for the person who is being 'partially' quoted. Blessings . .



Acedia
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05 Jan 2014, 7:53 pm

hurtloam wrote:
If you want to see an example of over the top flirting watch one of Nigella Lawson's cookery shows.


Like this?

This is flirting? :o
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6DXz0MZP0E[/youtube]



aussiebloke
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05 Jan 2014, 9:05 pm

you find it creepy to ?


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Ferrus91
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05 Jan 2014, 9:56 pm

In fairness she was probably high on coke at the time.



KingofKaboom
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05 Jan 2014, 10:11 pm

Eureka13 wrote:
Does anyone else spend hours going over and over what someone said (or wrote) to you analyzing and trying to discern every little nuance of meaning? I've been known to do that with mates and potential mates if I am uncertain as to their meaning. So many times someone will say something. Initially I will take it at face value, then later they may say something that doesn't exactly match what they said before, and then begins the obsessive analysis. I hate that I do it, and it's exhausting.

As NatureLover said, it's also almost impossible to determine another person's motives - are they flirting? Are they just being nice? Do they like me? Do they just want sex?

With my late fiance, we flirted a lot, but since he was Aspie too, he never minded when I would "call" him on something he said and ask for an explanation of why he said that today, when last week he said something similar but not exactly the same. Having these conversations with him helped me to better understand the nuances of flirting. Unfortunately, he was unique so I don't know if understanding him will help me in other relationships.

And I hate the thought of having to go back to the guessing/overanalyzing thing. :?
I have the exact problem of over analyzing when I like someone. I also hate it since I got an answer the first time... Apparently it becomes me having a trust issue..............


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05 Jan 2014, 10:14 pm

Ferrus91 wrote:
In fairness she was probably high on coke at the time.


that's what I said before it ain't flirting she's high. seriously I do know whats wrong with England theses days they used to manufacture goods now all they do is export cheap tv shows with over paid presenters :roll:


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10 Jan 2014, 2:58 am

Generation Y, my generation is probably going to be the last to actually go outside and meet girls, in the next few decades this will all be done virtually in an ever increasing smaller and more efficient world.



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10 Jan 2014, 6:53 am

Acedia wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
If you want to see an example of over the top flirting watch one of Nigella Lawson's cookery shows.


Like this?

This is flirting? :o
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o6DXz0MZP0E[/youtube]


I've never seen her before, but it's actually pretty funny. Obviously this montage was purposefully made to emphasise sexual innuendo, but there are enough clips there to dismiss the possibility that it's accidental. Of course, I resent that they'd use such a cheap trick to lure male viewers, but - it probably works.


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warsend
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10 Jan 2014, 7:21 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
TheGoggles wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Or maybe because they have some condition that prevents them to normally develop interpersonal relationships? Like ......umm....Autism perhaps?


Another reason why many.... *gulp* males (I am gonna be accused as sexist by talking gender dynamics again) are single is because they have major flaws: no job, no car, no place (which is a big deal in the west), and lack of physical fitness (too fat or too skinny...etc). Note that the first three might be caused by Autism , Autism does harm functionality if it's severe.

Add to all this Autism, social ineptness, lack of hygiene....and here you go, 99% of women would find them unappealing.


there's a study that links autism to health? I've lost some weight and people compliment me on my new weight loss so in my experience at least that's not true.(6'3", 200 lbs, so I feel I'm like right in the middle). I do have NOS so most people consider that mild I guess, which you said only if it's severe.



warsend
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10 Jan 2014, 7:35 pm

bearsandsyrup wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
em_tsuj wrote:
Do you flirt? Maybe the guys assume you are unavailable.


I have no idea. I feel like it's really obvious when I am attracted to someone though because I start talking gibberish and I blush easily. The blushing is one of the reasons I don't put myself in difficult social situations because it seems like there is nothing I can do about it.


The keys to getting guys to approach you in busy social situations like parties, bars, etc. (that I have found work):

1) Look around every few minutes with a slight smile on your face and (if possible) a playful look in your eyes. Think to yourself, "I am interesting, I am clever, I am fun." That always gave me a more playful look, rather than just a friendly, somewhat bored one.

2) Be doing something, but nothing too absorbing-- good examples: having a drink, watching a TV in the area, glancing through a menu, looking out a window, etc. bad examples: reading a book, being on your phone, etc. Note: be sure to still follow number 1 while you do these things-- that's why it can't be too absorbing, you still want to look open to conversation.

3) Smile when you talk to people. Keep it to a small-to-medium smile unless they've said something funny or something-- you don't want to seem manic.

4) If you see someone specific that you are interested in and you want them to approach you, glance around the room, let your gaze pause on them, make eye contact (if they look at you within a few seconds), then smile, glance down or away for a moment, then look back, still smiling. Hold the gaze for a moment or two, then slowly turn away, back to what you were doing to semi-occupy yourself. Maintain a body posture slightly turned towards the guy-- this shows that you are open to his approach and in fact waiting for it.

Those are my techniques that I used to get men to approach me. It took me years to develop the details and plan them out-- I practiced in mirrors and stuff as dumb as that sounds. I just don't have those skills naturally, but I wanted to date and meet men, so I made myself study and learn how to do it. I watched my NT friends, I used trial and error, and I adapted my methods until they were effective. I'd honestly say that those methods had about a 90% success rate. They openly and universally convey interest and they make you seem friendly, fun, and positive. It may come across as rigid or overly methodical, but it's what worked for me. And now I'm married, so what the hell, I must have done something right lol.


good post. For me, I'm too serious which I'm working on showing my playful side. Tbh, only my really good friends see that side because I'm comfortable around them, they don't judge and think I'm hilarious.

I haven't asked a lot of women out in my life(only 2 I've had the confidence to do it too), mostly due to confidence issues. Though with the weight loss and almost done with college, I'm starting to get a cocky attitude (good or bad) that I'm starting to realize my short term goals are almost done. Honestly, I could be in a relationship right now with a girl from high school(multiple friends telling me she wanted me to ask her out after prom, even her mom was hinting at it on facebook, which kinda creeped me out :lol:) but with her so far away and with my tough courses I feel it's too big of a time commitment. Lots of people think we'd be a good couple and I can see why, it sucks but life goes on.

My point is there are lots of other variables than flaws in people as to why they aren't in a relationship. Autism definitely doesn't help as far as social cues from NT's go, but the more and more I expose myself (going to parties, talking to more girls, etc.) the better I get. In my case, I'm looking, but I'm far from desperate and will only go ask somebody out if things really click.



Last edited by warsend on 10 Jan 2014, 7:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.

warsend
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10 Jan 2014, 7:38 pm

Eureka13 wrote:
Does anyone else spend hours going over and over what someone said (or wrote) to you analyzing and trying to discern every little nuance of meaning? I've been known to do that with mates and potential mates if I am uncertain as to their meaning. So many times someone will say something. Initially I will take it at face value, then later they may say something that doesn't exactly match what they said before, and then begins the obsessive analysis. I hate that I do it, and it's exhausting.

As NatureLover said, it's also almost impossible to determine another person's motives - are they flirting? Are they just being nice? Do they like me? Do they just want sex?

With my late fiance, we flirted a lot, but since he was Aspie too, he never minded when I would "call" him on something he said and ask for an explanation of why he said that today, when last week he said something similar but not exactly the same. Having these conversations with him helped me to better understand the nuances of flirting. Unfortunately, he was unique so I don't know if understanding him will help me in other relationships.

And I hate the thought of having to go back to the guessing/overanalyzing thing. :?


yes and frankly it's not a good trait to have. It is mentally exhausting, when I do it I try to see if the other person is interested or trying to brush me off, a down side to autism as I think it plays a key role.

Last post from me, need to start multi-quoting. :)



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10 Jan 2014, 9:51 pm

they invented porn.


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10 Jan 2014, 9:54 pm

I think part of the reason for me being single is that I have NO IDEA how to socialize.


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