The reason why many are single

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delaSHANE
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01 Jan 2014, 1:24 am

salamandaqwerty wrote:
delaSHANE wrote:
I'm definitely wanting the "mutual exchange", as opposed to "services". . .

I understand the point of your post, but if you were to format the title as a question, I would say, that, the reason why many are single, potentially stems from fear. Perhaps, this isn't correct with regard to all single people, but for many, it absolutely is.

For some, it is fear of "not being good enough", for whatever reason(s). Some have fear of saying the wrong things, coming off as foolish, being rejected, not being liked, etc, etc. Most, I believe, are afraid to approach a person and simply state, something to the affect of, "I find you interesting (or attractive, or what have you), and I am wondering if you would be interested in getting together, sometime." Most people are single, due to the fact that they do not find the courage to simply ask a person if they would have an interest in hanging out, and enjoying some fun, together.

I would do it, right now, with someone on this very thread, if they were not so many countries, away from where I am. I am ready to reach out. I have the courage and the desire. I want to meet people, make new connections, and perhaps, even find someone to share my life with, if that is what the future and the universe has in store, for me. I'm ready for all of it, and fear is no longer holding me back. . .


good for you, its great to hear something positive. grab onto what ever happiness you can. good luck


Thank you, qwerty! Forgive me. I did not see your message, earlier, when I had responded to leafplant. I appreciate your encouraging and thoughtful words! x Happy New Year, btw!



delaSHANE
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01 Jan 2014, 1:38 am

Flyer wrote:
delaSHANE wrote:
I would do it, right now, with someone on this very thread, if they were not so many countries, away from where I am.

If I were you, I would do it anyway. It may not be that expensive if you fly with a budget airline.


True, Flyer! Thank you.



delaSHANE
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01 Jan 2014, 1:47 am

Nambo wrote:
I would say its because we cannot speak in the language of Love, somebody might like us, but they are not going to come up to us and say, "look, I really fancy you, will you ask me out please", no, instead they send out various signs and signals that say the same in the form of body language, but as we cannot read them we do not hear their invitations.

Like wise, we cannot give out signals of our own, except off putting signals like staring.


This is so true, and so eloquently stated. . .



Pabbicus
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01 Jan 2014, 1:50 am

delaSHANE wrote:
Nambo wrote:
I would say its because we cannot speak in the language of Love, somebody might like us, but they are not going to come up to us and say, "look, I really fancy you, will you ask me out please", no, instead they send out various signs and signals that say the same in the form of body language, but as we cannot read them we do not hear their invitations.

Like wise, we cannot give out signals of our own, except off putting signals like staring.


This is so true, and so eloquently stated. . .


I'm my experience it's not enough to pick up on it. You have to say the password when you walk up to them, but we don't get to learn it.



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03 Jan 2014, 10:36 pm

babybird wrote:
I'm single because I'm too lazy to look, and I'm asexual, so it makes things tricky. :roll:


agreed being in a relationship sounds like a full time job when can one get the time to smell the roses ?


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aussiebloke
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03 Jan 2014, 10:40 pm

because we don't know how to trick people in to thinking where loveable, thank god our pets can see it :)


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em_tsuj
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04 Jan 2014, 3:55 am

Schneekugel wrote:
em_tsuj wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
I'm begining to feel like some of these "male" problems apply to me. I feel like my problem is that I'm not approaching men and talking to them so that they can get to know what I'm really like.

No men approach me, so I guess that I've got to learn to do the approaching, but I have little to no self confidence and it doesn't matter how much I blow dry my hair into a fancy hairdo or add mascara to my eyes to make them look bigger or wear a dress that emphasises my figure it seems that I just get stared at and no one talks to me. I've realised I have to change and start approaching men myself. But it feels like I'm not supposed to do it! It's so difficult to go against the grain.


Do you flirt? Maybe the guys assume you are unavailable.


The thing is: Flirting according to typical NT rules, is something that should be done by woman, very decent. In opposite to most of the blaming here in the forum, according to social rules its actually the woman that should start engaging, by giving males she is interested in nonverbal clues, about her being ok with them engaging with her. So according to normal NT rules its the man, thats doing the step of finally doing by physical approaching, but only after receiving non-direct signals with the woman being ok with that. O_o

If you are not able to send this signals instinctively, as you assumed yourself, that lets guy instinctively assume on the opposite, that you are unavailable, because otherwise you "normally" would give them instinctively the nonverbal clues to be available and interested in them approaching to flirt with you. -.-

Doing the first step of flirting in a more direct form, so by not doing the step of sending the nonverbal clue to the man to tell him to do engage on his side further, but simply approaching directly to him yourself, instead is still seen by many men as rude behavior. So you are taking away "the active part what is supposed to be his job" and are giving them "the passive part" that is supposed to be the womans part. Some guys simply cant deal with that.

So on one side, because of your lacks, you are enabled to send the clues you are supposed to send. On the other side, trying to use the solution of communicating your interest more directly by simply approaching to a certain men, scares or annoys of 2/3 of them and makes them loose interest in you. -.-

My personal solution was to simply accept that, and still engage on my own on men, and to dont give a f**k about it if something thinks that "not to be appropriate". At least the men not automatically rejecting you, because of you not acting "as you should as a normal girl" will as well have a higher chance on accepting other treats of you as well not that stubborn. If someone is so focused on social rules and normality, that he gets already annoyed by a girl "daring to approach him directly" then there will be anyway no real chances on a working relationship with an Asperger.


Thanks for elaborating. When I asked her if she flirted, I was referring to the non-verbal body language or tone of voice that indicates a woman is interested. I have learned very slowly over time to pick up on those cues and have learned not to approach women who do not send out those non-verbal signals.



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04 Jan 2014, 7:17 am

Well, after reading that description (and it is a very good description) I still don't know. I automatically flirt with men I am attracted to if we are able to converse and I feel comfortable with him. Like a couple of guys I can think of, one was too old, the other was married, so nothing happened. But we flirted easily.

Maybe men feel more comfortable with me if they know they aren't available and it doesn't matter what they say because I can't shoot them down because they never were going to take it further. There is nothing to lose for them.

I've read body language books with the view of trying to improve, but with someone I don't know so well, then it is more difficult. It feels false, awkward and laughable.

I am not the sort who goes to bars and flirts with random strangers. I am not the sort who goes to bars period. No money and too noisy.



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04 Jan 2014, 8:02 am

Simply put, I'm single because I haven't found the right person yet. The word "right" in that sentence should not be taken lightly.



Acedia
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04 Jan 2014, 2:30 pm

hurtloam wrote:
I automatically flirt with men I am attracted to if we are able to converse and I feel comfortable with him. Like a couple of guys I can think of, one was too old, the other was married, so nothing happened. But we flirted easily.


Flirting? I can't even tell when people are flirting with me. I only knew some women liked me in the past because they outright said it. It's why I wish women were more straightforward.

______________________________________________________________________

Here are some articles that pertain to what I posted earlier:

http://www.theguardian.com/society/2013 ... s-epidemic

http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfre ... eople-jobs

http://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/content/ ... w=Standard


Loneliness is fairly common. It happens to NTs just as much.

.....



hurtloam
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05 Jan 2014, 4:45 am

Acedia wrote:
hurtloam wrote:
I automatically flirt with men I am attracted to if we are able to converse and I feel comfortable with him. Like a couple of guys I can think of, one was too old, the other was married, so nothing happened. But we flirted easily.


Flirting? I can't even tell when people are flirting with me. I only knew some women liked me in the past because they outright said it. It's why I wish women were more straightforward.
.....


I don't think I ever initiate the flirting. I think if the man is flirting with me I reciprocate if I like him back.

If you want to see an example of over the top flirting watch one of Nigella Lawson's cookery shows. The way she angles her head and looks up sideways at the camera with a cheeky smile, the way she does these silly little bounces and shrugs as she's explaining stuff and the little innuendos she throws into the dialogue. That's flirting, granted, its very over the top and annoying flirting, but I know men that watch her show just for that and they like it. I have to turn it off, she annoys the hell out of me. I've noticed other female cookery presenters immitating her and that annoys me too. like Lorraine Pascale.



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05 Jan 2014, 5:02 am

^^^^

that's not flirting she's high as a kite, good grief the celebrity English chef thing is soooo 1990's time to move on ?
I find her almost as annoying as Jamie Oliver I'd like to ask that sell out do I shop at farmers markets or exclusively at sainsburys ?
seriously I seem to be one of the very few men that finds her creepy :?


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05 Jan 2014, 6:37 am

AspieOtaku wrote:
The reason why many are still single? Its simple, because were autistic and not many people like us!


agreed sadly we don't work it out till it's to late :cry:


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05 Jan 2014, 6:42 am

-I don't know how to respond to their body language, I can't tell if they are plain flirting, really in love, or just want to get in bed with me. I prefer if someone just told me the truth without having to make me waste all my energy in trying to guess in my mind what their message is.

-As much as I want someone to love, I need to be alone to spend some time in my "own world"

-With all the crazy cheating, sex with multiple partners, womanizers and such, I won't even know if I'm with the right person. It will be hard to find someone understandable and true of heart. I don't get how some NT's go around having sex with strangers. To me, sex should come with love and not just for physical pleasure.

-Not sure if I'm going to be comfortable being so close to the person that I love due to some sensitive touch issues in certain areas.



Eureka13
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05 Jan 2014, 9:36 am

Does anyone else spend hours going over and over what someone said (or wrote) to you analyzing and trying to discern every little nuance of meaning? I've been known to do that with mates and potential mates if I am uncertain as to their meaning. So many times someone will say something. Initially I will take it at face value, then later they may say something that doesn't exactly match what they said before, and then begins the obsessive analysis. I hate that I do it, and it's exhausting.

As NatureLover said, it's also almost impossible to determine another person's motives - are they flirting? Are they just being nice? Do they like me? Do they just want sex?

With my late fiance, we flirted a lot, but since he was Aspie too, he never minded when I would "call" him on something he said and ask for an explanation of why he said that today, when last week he said something similar but not exactly the same. Having these conversations with him helped me to better understand the nuances of flirting. Unfortunately, he was unique so I don't know if understanding him will help me in other relationships.

And I hate the thought of having to go back to the guessing/overanalyzing thing. :?



leafplant
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05 Jan 2014, 10:30 am

Eureka13 wrote:
Does anyone else spend hours going over and over what someone said (or wrote) to you analyzing and trying to discern every little nuance of meaning? I've been known to do that with mates and potential mates if I am uncertain as to their meaning. So many times someone will say something. Initially I will take it at face value, then later they may say something that doesn't exactly match what they said before, and then begins the obsessive analysis. I hate that I do it, and it's exhausting.

As NatureLover said, it's also almost impossible to determine another person's motives - are they flirting? Are they just being nice? Do they like me? Do they just want sex?

With my late fiance, we flirted a lot, but since he was Aspie too, he never minded when I would "call" him on something he said and ask for an explanation of why he said that today, when last week he said something similar but not exactly the same. Having these conversations with him helped me to better understand the nuances of flirting. Unfortunately, he was unique so I don't know if understanding him will help me in other relationships.

And I hate the thought of having to go back to the guessing/overanalyzing thing. :?


Sometimes - it's because I know that asking directly isn't guaranteed to make this clearer and could in fact make the relationship worse. I have also asked other people in the past but their perceptions and also relationship with that other person are different so they see things differently. There are as many truths as there are moments.

As I have become older I find it even more confusing. When I was younger I automatically assumed any man who appeared interested in talking to me was after sex. That cannot be assumed now, so if a new person at work engages me in conversation I assume they are just trying to make friends because they are new, or they talk to me to pass the time until someone more important or more interesting becomes available.