Aspie mother with an Aspie daughter

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My daughter is 6 y.o., we are both on the way of being officially diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome.

Communication between her and me is becoming a major issue (although neither of us have major delays in language). The difficulty is to connect in certain ways with each other. It is much easier for us to connect emotionally (I understand her extreme sensitivity better than anybody else) and through touch (we love to hug each other) but many aspects of social interaction are much easier for her with her father (he is NT), like discussing and playing.

As an Aspie. I do not communicate well socially, I tend to exclude everything and remain focused in my interests and I have accepted it... but with my own daughter, I do feel that I exclude her and I feel that that I am also being excluded from something precious (her world) and it is becoming painful.

Any advice?

I have just recently been diagnosed, and my 10 year old son will be evaluated soon (there's no doubt he has AS).
I was a stay at home mom for many years, so I had a lot of my time with my children when they both were young. I've nourished a small kernel of guilt inside for many years, because I believed I was cold to them and tended to push them away emotionally. I am a very remote and reserved person, that's true. But lately I realized that a lot of that guilt is my own perfectionism - my tendency to pick apart small incidents that occurred many years ago.
Some of what you're describing sounds like typical communication difficulties between a mother and daughter. I have a 14 year old girl, not Aspie, and we didn't really start to understand each other until a few years ago. It can be hard to connect with a 6 year old, aspie or not.
It's wonderful that your daughter has such a great relationship with her father. It's normal for girls to be closer to their fathers at times. Most families have that kind of balance, where one parent is the playmate/confidante and the other is more touchy-feely.
My son and I are very close, but we do have some issues. I always feel guilty that I'm not spending enough time with him, taking him a lot of places, etc. But he's very happy; he likes to be alone, and we do have a lot of quiet time together. We do have a lot of discussions, but he's also older and his father lives in another country.
Does your daughter feel that you're excluding her? Some of that feeling may be your own perception. Have you asked her how she feels?
You are who you are, and nothing is going to fundamentally change that. The most important thing for your daughter is to know that you love her unconditionally, and you'll always be there for her. If you communicate better through hugs than words, that's fine. She has a loving family and a mom who understands her unique challenges.

I think the fact that you want things to be better says a lot. You may not be able to have the kinds of conversations that your husband has with her, but that doesn't mean you can't be bonded, and offer her something valuable as a parent. You already share experiences with her, you can be there to advise her on how you handled similar situations, and you can try to engage with her in the activities that she enjoys. This may pull you away from your own interests, but if you can make her interests yours, then you can form a bond around that.

Thank you very much for your replies. They are much appreciated.

I know that a lot of what we provide to our children, including affection, comes from what we received. Unfortunately I did not receive a lot of affection, although I had both my parents raising me. Most emphasis was put on a very strict education and yes it helped me navigate in the society by following the rules. But it also means that I do not know much how to behave and connect emotionally even with my own daughter, as nobody tried with me when I was a kid. I know that I suffered from this lake of connection and it is part of what is painful, knowing that she needs a lot of what I do not know how to provide.

It is a balancing act. She needs to join your world sometimes, and sometimes you have to join hers.

When my son was really young I really had to make a large effort to join his world b/c he had no interest in mine. It was a mixed blessing in a way, b/c I have skills I do not think I would have otherwise acquired, and now I can do al ot more of his special interest stuff than I think I would otherwise. He is also more capable of doing something Mommy likes, even if it is not a special interest, b/c he wants to make me happy.

With mother and daughters it is intrinsically harder anyway, especially when you get into the tween years. I bet you are doing better than you think you are.

I think the fact that you want things to be better says a lot. You may not be able to have the kinds of conversations that your husband has with her, but that doesn't mean you can't be bonded, and offer her something valuable as a parent. You already share experiences with her, you can be there to advise her on how you handled similar situations, and you can try to engage with her in the activities that she enjoys. This may pull you away from your own interests, but if you can make her interests yours, then you can form a bond around that.

Have you tried any therapy/counseling?

I can see where playing, especially, would be hard. But you said you are connecting emotionally. She is 6, that might be good enough for 6. If not, listening to her may work better for you then trying to play together. Meaning just really listen to what she has to say and try to understand. Ask your husband or a therapist if you want some help, maybe they can role model. For play activities, though, instead of imaginative things, maybe there is an art or physical activity you could make yours. I think that might be easier to enjoy together, and so long as you are able to enjoy time together, something good is happening.

No, but I think I will

This is precisely what is complicated. Her interests are also limited. How to show interest in what she is interested in? For example, she has developed a fascination for make up and fashion but I simply cannot go in that direction. I let her express it, of course, but it annoys me and I could never show interest in that or it would be lying to her, which I simply cannot do. I cannot pretend to be interested, unfortunately... I cannot even lie to her about Santa Claus.

Yes, developing a common interest. This is something I have been working on.
Thank you for the advice

Adele,

It can be really hard, I know. One of my son's current interest is microwave ovens , their digital displays and the buttons, etc. Not my thing. So I getcha..

For fashion and make up, depending on what you are into, you might be able to get it to work without having to talk too much to her about what is trendy or what looks nice with what.

I do not know what your interests are, but if you like anything to do with human/humanoid characters -D&D, Star Trek, any characters from anything really, you could have your daughter design an outfit/look that would be in character. You would not necessarily have to discuss the details of it--just maybe have her make a paper doll or a drawing of it, and then tell her how nice (or interesting) it looks. If that would be untruthful and you cannot manage that, then you can ask her why she chose this or that and just try not to come off as judging, just inquiring...

Very good ideas there,
Thank you

The thing to remember is that thoughts feelings and actions are all connected. And the relationships go both ways. If you want to feel happy, one thing to do is smile. Studies have shown that smiling can cause people to become happier. So it's possible to lead with actions and have the emotions develop later. That is not the same thing as lying.

Sometimes we do things that we don't want to do, or that aren't on the top of our lists just because we care about people. The fact that we're doing them at all strengthens our relationships. Furthermore, if you go in with an open mind, sometimes you can find things to like about the experience. As an example, many parents sit through children's movies. Sometimes the kid wants to watch finding nemo for the 100th time, and parents may still sit there with the child. The entertainment for the child may be Nemo, but for the parent it may be looking at the child, the smile on their face, and the hugs and excitement throughout the movie.

Also, there's no reason that you and your daughter can't pursue your own unique interests side-by side. I read very different books than my wife, but we often read sitting next to each other. Similarly, with your daughter, you can get her a fashion magazine (and whatever you like for yourself) and go to a cafe with her and sit and both read side by side. Even if you're not talking, just doing something next to her will mean something. Or you can do things together that involve turn taking (maybe go to a spa and get massages (for you) and pedicures (for her).

Also, you clearly care about your daughter, and it's possible to show interest in her, and what makes her tick, learning more about that subject, without really caring about the specific topics. So your interest in a conversation about fashion with your daughter may not be learning about new trends, but rather learning what your daughter is into, what her talents are, what her opinions on specific things are, etc. You don't have to pretend to like fashion, but you can use your interest in your daughter to fuel a conversation nonetheless.

Stop Feeling guilty - as a Mom we get enough of that already. You have done the best you can with what you have so far. It is great that you want to make things better, but keep in mind that your daughter is going to connect in different ways to different people. I know my own daughter (who is an aspie) has always connected socially to boys much better than to girls. When she was young she was very much a 'Daddy's girl.' In some ways that is actually a good thing because girls who have a positive strong male role model often have less trouble with self image and are stronger emotionally than girls who don't have that role model. There were times when I felt a little left out and guilty that we didn't have that strong mother-daughter bond that society seems to think we must have, but I am proud of how involved my husband has always been with our daughter.

If you really want to change they dynamic I agree you should check into some social skills therapy or counseling for yourself. You are the adult and it will be up to you to make the changes needed, but again, don't feel guilty if you don't always get the results you want. We are all human and you can only do the best you can.

Good Luck