I'm Ruining My Marriage

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I have been married for over a year now, and been with my spouse for almost a decade. We have children. We fight constantly because whenever there is an issue I either freeze up and can literally think of nothing to say, or I say something that makes the situation much worse. I feel like I can never keep track of what we're fighting about. I can never listen to problems she has without taking it as insulting or an attempt to make me feel bad. I try to just listen, but I almost never can.

Any advise would be appreciated.

Would you consider marriage counselling? If you're in the UK, Relate have a good reputation.

We have tried. It's off/on in that it works sometimes for a bit, but then weeks later the same issues come up.

Hi, you don't want the situation where it spirals in an enlarged way and you two fight about fighting, or fight about the words used.

One conclusion, it's okay to freeze up. It may not be ideal, but it's okay. And same for saying something which makes it worse. Just try and recover. Just let a medium mistake stay a medium mistake.

Would there be a way of handling the disagreements and the issues in shorter time segments?

Not that I can think of. Our fights generally last hours, often spanning days.

Do you think it is worth arguing over something for days?

No.

I been married for 1 1/2 years and my marrige is exactly the same as you describe. I am in marrige counseling and it makes no diffrece. It's part of Aspergers, but not ass Aspies scream.

Hi Robotastic, I can relate to your situation, it is tough and I haven't figured out a solution either. It must be so difficult for you with small children. That kind of constant tension must have such a negative impact on your family.
Something that has worked for us is spending time on our individual interests, resourcing ourselves per say. Head space really. Recognising when past hurts are influencing current interactions has been a major one. Constructively worded positive written communication has been good too,(remove the emotion, its not for venting) plus keeping a reflective journal (a day later I cant believe how irrational I was, or i notice a pattern) and meditation. Anything that can help shift your perspective away from negativity. I've had to be more understanding. I think you can loose a part of who you are to constant arguments, its a horrible downward cycle fueled by hurt and anger. I find that when i focus on what he did or said it leads to feeling like a victim and that is not at all helpful. You can only work on your contribution to the fighting, take ownership of your words and actions and solve one problem at a time.

Thank you, Tokename, that's great advice. I will try it.

What kinds of issues do you argue about? Are they the sorts of things you can compromise on? Let your wife have her way on one issue then get yours on another? Has the marriage counselling just tried to address the issues of your concern, or has it taught you better ways of handling conflict? If it hasn't done that, I might be inclined to find a therapist that teaches such things; they can be helpful, because until the style of arguing changes, problems will not be resolved. If worst comes to worst, keep in mind that it will be better for your children for you to live apart than for them to live in a home where their parents are always fighting. My mother has been divorced twice, and as long as you do it as amicably as possible, or at least keep any resentment toward your spouse far away from your children, they will be okay in the end.