omg I'm a ret*d...

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Ok so always knew that I was "different" and I got clues that it was all autism related when I was about 17 (now 29). But I always thought any outwardly obvious traits were long gone. I used to spend hours staring into space as a kid, but aside from that I didn't know that I "stimmed" or anything like that. These days I consider myself to appear totally NT till people dig deeper about my life.

But I just made a video of myself as I am learning to sing, and OMG - did I get a shock! I am lord of stimming. When I sing I twitch, blink aggressively, move my nose around. I look mental. I play guitar when I sing, if I didn't I imagine some bizarre hand movements would also be involved.

I think I act normal but would hate to see a video of how I actually look when I'm doing things.

same there. I think this is part of why I avoid photos as well. It doesn't matter what I am trying to do in the picture, my expression is always in transition or it looks like I'm concentrating on keeping my face from slipping off.

Yep. Gotta work on keeping the face relaxed and immobile....

This is what I keep telling people who think they've "cured" themselves of their autism, or overcome their social ineptitude: You cannot see yourself as others see you.

Various Symptoms seem to increase and decrease in intensity/severity.

Whenever I think my visible traits have become unnoticeable I see a video of me walking and the whole concept of being an "invisible Aspie" becomes fiction.

Saw on some birthday videos, the way I interacted with others. ^^ But somehow it made me as well more relaxed. It is far more understandable for me, when random strangers I interact with, treat me after a few words as someone being "special" or start explaining stuff, as they would to a child and so on. I have a high IQ and I am thinking very fast, but I simply accept, that what comes out of my physical shell when doing social contact, really looks "weird". ^^ They way my voice sounds, my eyes are wandering if I dont concentrate, as I stop doing anything else when talking, my face expression...I´d say its a kind of stoned Odie. XD I can relate to you, that I was shocked when I realized that, but actually its a fact, and knowing the fact helps me dealing with it better, like staying calmer about other peoples reaction and so on.

This is even true of NT's. There are some actors who can not watch movies they are in, because they can not stand watching themselves that way. I read one actor saying when she saw the first move she was in, she was thinking "omg is that how I actually sound?! Is that how I actually move?!" And worse for us of course. I always rely on my cousin my age and one friend to point stuff out to me that looks goofy to others. Sometimes I try to compensate other times I just do not give a s#!t.

Yes, I think a lot of people Aspie or NT experience a similar reaction to watching themselves on video. I am sure that many of the scenes some of these actors cringe at watching would actually appear perfectly OK to any other person watching those scenes. Maybe it has a lot to do with the eye of the beholder.


I think for me not all but most facial and body language issues are as a result of anxiety/panic attacks.

whats ret*d look like then? itd be interesting to know,as am one of those who come under the label of learning disability [aka intelectual disability in america] and dont apreciate being used as a comparison for someone acting stupid.
it sounds like have finaly discovered self awareness,it hits like a ton of bricks when it comes.

I'm not crazy about the use of the words ret*d or ret*d on WP either. I was asked by a couple of boys if I was ret*d when I was 11. The instigator said to his pally that I said I was ret*d when I didn't say that. I said to that instigator I didn't say, I called him a liar and I shouted in his ear over and over that I hated him.

However, I don't feel there's anything wrong with people who bare that label. I've gotten to know a few people with intellectual disabilities and I became friends with them. I also don't like people making fun of them or using their condition to describe something that they think is stupid.

I presumed we have collectively progresses to a point where the label can be used in a friendly humorous way in the right context. I do not see anyone "beneath me" and certainly never use the word or anything similar to label someone with a deficit in any particular faculty. I have been an outsider my whole life, in large part due to being different and weirding people out.

I have been called things equivalent to ret*d by Teachers, the Police, Relatives, and even Parents and Siblings. Not in a joking way either.

I was just shocked, and amused at how I looked. Like I said, "lord of stimming" almost like I have cerebral palsy. It would be dishonest to say I was totally OK with this, it is somewhat of a knock and blow. Does that mean that I am belittling everyone else who aggressively blinks and contorts their face for no good reason?

I am ret*d, I do have intellectual disabilities. Just now I know it is outwardly visible.

I used to conduct myself when I sang. My teacher had to break that habit out of me. I wonder if it was a stim.

I had to work long and hard on masking to appear normal.