Letter to a former friend. (Long, you have been warned.)

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So a little lead up is in order I guess, basically I was writing an email to a friend whom I'm having difficult times with right now. I left a post in members only about the same topic basically. This is maybe better in haven? I'm not too sure, thing is we Aspies weren't born the way we are today some have it worse than others some not so bad at all. I didn't edit anything out as nothing is too personal. It may belong in haven but I don't feel sad or depressed, a little angry at the world maybe. Who were you before you started cutting all the things that made you special and Aspie away? Who are we supposed to be if not ourselves as we enjoy and smile and open. Aspies are in my experience very open and honest, to be ourselves is to be open and honest at all times. I haven't been open or honest in so long.

I learned all my social graces as poor as they may be from books on how to interact with people. These books don't teach me every nuance I'll need to learn in life. I've always been nervous interacting with you and never truly relaxing or being myself. Myself is someone that got humiliated and picked on and kicked out of schools. Myself is so socially awkward that I forced myself to put on an act from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. That act is me trying to seem like I'm not aspie.

I've been doing it so long that I don't even remember who I am anymore. Did you learn how to tell if a friend is honest from a book? Or if a girl is showing she's interested(your case a guy)? Maybe did you learn when and where is it appropriate for you to smile or laugh and how broadly or loudly? I had to learn to keep eye contact and how to wear clothes that didn't look terribly odd. I had to learn to read and display proper facial signals for any give situation or interaction. Did anyone have to sit you down and tell you that when someone is crying it means they are sad? You've never seen me with even half my barriers down, I don't know why I felt like you did.

I learned that the kids who avoided me on the playground didn't just go from place to place to place, they went away from me away from me away. I've learned how to act well enough that no one needs to do that anymore. I've learned to stay focused on facial expressions and tone of voice. I don't think I've had a single conversation including when drunk (maybe not blackout since I don't remember) where I was just being myself. In a perfect world I wouldn't need to look at your face to see if you are smiling, you would say you are happy and mean exactly that. In a perfect world I wouldn't need to smile by force or effort or remember to limit it.

I have to cater my jokes to individuals and groups when I only learned to tell jokes so people would spend time with me. You can't know how far I've come to give you such poor treatment. I am sorry that I still have things to learn. But you have never seen me without the shields up. Not unless I was angry. I live in a box of shields built to protect others from what I instinctively do. I was never a bad child, I never hit anyone or was mean. I was different, I was so different that everyone absolutely everyone hated me.

I didn't have a first friend until I was 12 and he was a bad friend who picked on me for two years. I learned how to act those years and hide everything honest and kind and caring away so that I could seem just as cold and heartless as everyone else. I got beaten and restrained for 3 years at a school for kids who just can't "get along" with the normal students. Every time I had a meltdown I was threatened with being taken away from my family for a minimum of six months! Only to see them on rare visits because I freaking got upset and yelled and knocked things over they wanted to take my whole family! All I ever wanted to do was smile and shout and jump and spin and balance things on my head like a total Aspie. I wasn't born with inhibitions, I trained myself so I could succeed in the world we live in.

And in the process I gave up everything I ever felt like doing so I could focus on others. So I wouldn't offend or upset or look stupid to them. That's why I focus so much on others and have trouble focusing on myself. I have to learn a middle ground were I can act both parts and I'll fit in better than now. I've learned myself away until all that I was inside is just gone now. But there is no becoming NT, I'll just be something they can sometimes accept. All I ever wanted to do with a friend was relax and stop thinking about being so careful and worried about what's going on with them and how my actions affect them. I just wanted to trust that they knew I always mean them well and do the best I can not to hurt them even without my shields up.

That's a very good letter. It shows a lot of feelings and it's to the point as well. I also remember a lot of those things from my own past.