Aspie Partner's Anger Management Issues

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Deuterium
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06 Jan 2014, 10:40 pm

He shouldn't have to "try" to not hit you. You seem to be defending him and convinced that this is something he'll just be able to 'get over' with some therapy, that hitting you and other people is just some phase. If that's how he handles his issues then he deserves to be alone - deserves absolutely nobody, and nobody should feel sorry for him. The longer you stick around, the longer you are the easy target for his unforgivable actions, and the more of your life you waste with someone who has turned you into a victim. Do you honestly believe this is someone you can have a healthy relationship with, that there is a 'light at the end of the tunnel' and things will be okay once he gets to talk to a professional?

This person is poison, and I do not understand why you wouldn't prefer to be with someone who doesn't need to be 'taught' to not hit you; someone who understands that hitting others is an absolutely terrible thing to do, without needing to be told so. Someone who understands that you are a living creature with your own feelings and your own issues to deal with. These kinds of people exist; why are you so attached to someone who smacks you around and makes you feel like crap? Do you really think this is the best person for you, or even remotely close to being the best person for you? Is "Someone who hits me and makes me feel bad" in your list of ideal qualities in a partner?

Maybe these questions seem silly-obvious but I'm not convinced you've actually asked them to yourself. It is very common that the victim in an abusive relationship has been convinced that they are not the victim, and will even defend the person harming them, while the rest of the world watches with a puzzled expression asking "Why on Earth are you still with this person?"



Crazygirl79
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06 Jan 2014, 11:14 pm

He has a condition that affects him socially just like most of us on here do and he needs help just like us some of do!!

This situation is not as black and white as some of you are seeing it as, there are extenuating circumstances and the fact that he is actually willing to get help actually says something about him, it says that he's mature enough and man enough to step up to the plate and actually take responsibility which is a lot than what I can say for other people who engage in similar behaviours.

I am not defending or excusing his behaviour and I have indicated this all along, I am merely explaining it and there is a difference.

To go as far as calling him a poisonous person is little bit too judgemental on your part especially considering you know very little about our situation than what I've mentioned here today, some people actually DO respond to therapy and I personally think he deserves the chance to prove himself in this sense, I cannot say that he wouldn't respond to therapy at this point and neither can anyone else on here and yes I have asked myself the questions you've raised and I have asked myself "Why on earth am I still with this person"

How he channels his frustration and anger is totally wrong, there is no doubt about that but if one hasn't really been taught or shown other ways to channel it then that has to be taken into account to some extent...sometimes being taught may the only way for some people to grow as human beings.

I sent this thread to him via email, he knows about this thread because I have been honest and told him that I wrote, he did not respond aggressively at all but I knew he was hurt and shocked by it and that was partly the affect I wanted, I also want him to really read the responses particularly from the men on here because if he reads that he is the sort of person to sit back and think about his actions and he is the sort of person who is open to making changes, his aggression has toned down considerably since he's removed or reduced contact with some of the more negative people in his life who were clearly contributing to his stress and anger management issues

To look at it from the angles I'm looking at from requires a fair bit of empathy and that is needed in this situation, we have someone whose communication deficit is impeding him to the point where aggression seems to be the only effective way for him to express himself and yes some people DO need to be taught other ways, let's face it social skills don't come natural to a lot of us including yourself no doubt and we have to be taught, some of us myself included have been guilty of offending or hurting people with our bluntness, some of us myself included have been guilty of being blind to other people's needs because we haven't read the signs, some of us including myself have been guilty of irritating people, some of us myself included have been guilty of aggressive behaviours even it's only verbally, do we deserve to be left alone and have nothing and nobody in our lives too?! How do we know that some of our negative Aspie behaviours haven't really affected someone in a bad way?! My point is nobody is perfect and some of us need assistance with certain areas of our lives and my partner 's weak areas are stress and anger management which he needs help with..


S....

Deuterium wrote:
He shouldn't have to "try" to not hit you. You seem to defending him and convinced that this is something he'll just be able to 'get over' with some therapy, that hitting you and other people is just some phase. If that's how he handles his issues then he deserves to be alone - deserves absolutely nobody, and nobody should feel sorry for him. The longer you stick around, the longer you are the easy target for his unforgivable actions, and the more of your life you waste with someone who has turned you into a victim. Do you honestly believe this is someone you can have a healthy relationship with, that there is a 'light at the end of the tunnel' and things will be okay once he gets to talk to a professional?

This person is poison, and I do not understand why you wouldn't prefer to be with someone who doesn't need to be 'taught' to not hit you; someone who understands that hitting others is an absolutely terrible thing to do, without needing to be told so. Someone who understands that you are a living creature with your own feelings and your own issues to deal with. These kinds of people exist; why are you so attached to someone who smacks you around and makes you feel like crap? Do you really think this is the best person for you, or even remotely close to being the best person for you? Is "Someone who hits me and makes me feel bad" in your list of ideal qualities in a partner?

Maybe these questions seem silly-obvious but I'm not convinced you've actually asked them to yourself. It is very common that the victim in an abusive relationship has been convinced that they are not the victim, and will even defend the person harming them, while the rest of the world watches with a puzzled expression asking "Why on Earth are you still with this person?"



Deuterium
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06 Jan 2014, 11:36 pm

Crazygirl79 wrote:
To go as far as calling him a poisonous person is little bit too judgemental on your part especially considering you know very little about our situation

I don't believe I am alone, given other comments in this thread, in saying that I do not need to know any more beyond that there is physical abuse occurring to easily suggest an immediate break-up. But if you are willing to endure such abuse in an attempt to cure someone else's problems then I cannot stop you and have at least made my position abundantly clear. Best wishes.



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06 Jan 2014, 11:38 pm

If he believes in God, and you are sincere in your attempts to help him, find a way to push him to reading through the bible and saying some prayers to stop whatever worries him and makes him anxious. I believe it would work, but it will take time for you to notice it.


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Crazygirl79
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06 Jan 2014, 11:41 pm

I can only suggest it to him, I cannot force it.

I will suggest different groups and self help books to him that will help, some will be spiritual and others will be general groups.

S...

aspiemike wrote:
If he believes in God, and you are sincere in your attempts to help him, find a way to push him to reading through the bible and saying some prayers to stop whatever worries him and makes him anxious. I believe it would work, but it will take time for you to notice it.



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06 Jan 2014, 11:49 pm

I know you're not alone in your comments, I have given similar advice to people in the past only to find out that it's not as black and white that there was more to a situation than what I first thought.

My partner also knows that he's skating on very thin ice and that I will eventually leave if things keep going the way they are, this is part of the reason he's agreed to get help along with the fact he doesn't want to keep going down this path of unhealthy aggression and he wants a better life.

S...




Deuterium wrote:
Crazygirl79 wrote:
To go as far as calling him a poisonous person is little bit too judgemental on your part especially considering you know very little about our situation

I don't believe I am alone, given other comments in this thread, in saying that I do not need to know any more beyond that there is physical abuse occurring to easily suggest an immediate break-up. But if you are willing to endure such abuse in an attempt to cure someone else's problems then I cannot stop you and have at least made my position abundantly clear. Best wishes.



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06 Jan 2014, 11:56 pm

The book I recommend is on Amazon if you can get it and the Kindle version is really cheap as well.

Increase your Faith by Steve Bremner is my recommendation for a Christian book. Mind you, part of why I recommend this book is because I am related to the author.

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle is what I started my spiritual readings with.


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Crazygirl79
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07 Jan 2014, 12:08 am

I will look into those books, I need to buy a Kindle first though.

At this point I'm happy to try anything that might help, I think he's already taken some positive steps by removing some of the negative people and influences from his life and making an effort to pay his debts and look for suitable employment.

He has agreed to allow me to send his resume to the Australian Postal Service on his behalf as he has some mild literacy issues and I have been mindful to select jobs that he would not only be capable of doing but are also suitable, relatively stress free with a reasonable pay but I have not nagged or pushed the issue, it's about suggesting something, seeing it from the other person's point of view and knowing when to back off and leave it in their hands.

I am also looking for books on how to be more assertive rather than passive or aggressive, I think we could do with books like that too.

S....

aspiemike wrote:
The book I recommend is on Amazon if you can get it and the Kindle version is really cheap as well.

Increase your Faith by Steve Bremner is my recommendation for a Christian book. Mind you, part of why I recommend this book is because I am related to the author.

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle is what I started my spiritual readings with.



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07 Jan 2014, 12:22 am

I know the person who's being discussed here, and, from what I've seen of him, he is not a bad person. However, the list of things that he does that the OP lists in the first post are wrong, and he needs to take responsibility for that fact and for dealing with them.

You shouldn't have to stay with him for the sake of fixing him. You're not his parent; you're not responsible for fixing his life, and you need to think about your own safety. If you want to help, then help, but it would be safer for you to do it from a distance; and if you did end the relationship and refuse to go back until he stopped being abusive, then it might serve as enough of a shock to get him to do something.

What techniques does he have now to use when people frustrate him? Has he developed any coping mechanisms that can help curb his impulses?

Something that can help if people are pushing their views and not backing off is just to say "this conversation is over" and walk away. Hang up the phone. Go to your room and shut the door. Or just smile and nod politely and do what you were planning to do in the first place anyway.

Quote:
I believe a lot of his anger and frustration comes from his environment and his own issues eg: frustration at everyday life, lack of employment, money issues, lack of proper support in regards to these issues and associating with negative people which is slowly changing as he's removing some of these people from his life but they are only explanations not excuses and he does need to work on those issues.


And if he drives away one of the people who is most on his side, that won't make anything any better.


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Crazygirl79
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07 Jan 2014, 2:41 am

We both know who you as well and your input is much appreciated!!

You are correct when you say he isn't a bad person at all and you are also correct with the other points you've made.

The hitting generally happens when he's lost a significant amount of control of his emotions and this is when he's really upset, close to having a meltdown or during a meltdown and in the past he has also engaged in self harm meaning that he's hit himself or pulled his own hair etc when he's in that state, he doesn't intentionally go out of his way to harm people, he doesn't do it to exert or gain power as one is hardly powerful when they've lost control so it really is poor impulse control on his part which needs to be addressed before it damages or even ruins his life in some way and no he doesn't really have any strategies in place to deal with the poor impulse control and I don't think he or anyone else from any part of his life has even thought about getting some sort of help for that hence the reason we are going to therapy and a fitness club.

The advice you have given in terms of handle people who are a little on the pushy, bossy or demanding side is very good, it's something I will pass onto him and bring up during the therapy sessions as this is another issues that really needs addressing.

As for fixing him I technically don't have the power or capacity to do that as I am not him, I am not in control of his life and nor should I be, I can only help, support and guide him and I will do those thing but only he has the power to change the issues that impede and hinder his life and only he is responsibile and accountable for his actions regardless of the circumstances, I have explained a lot lf the reasons as to why he engages in these behaviours but I also know that at the end of the day HE is responsible and accountable for what he says and does and he does right from wrong.

As I've said before I will stick by him at this point and see how the therapy and fitness club works out and I will look at Aspiemike's book suggestions as well since my partner is a person who has some faith in a higher being.

In a way it's like dealing with an ASD kid or teen and we wouldn't throw kids out on the streets for these issues, we wouldn't stop loving or caring for these kids because they have these issues and we wouldn't lock these kids up because of these issues, we would look to help, support and guide while setting proper boundaries in the process and the same goes for an ASD adult in a lot of ways although you wouldn't treat them exactly like you would a child or a teen.

I am hoping that both of us progress with the therapy, fitness club, employment and other aspects of life this year...

S...



Who_Am_I wrote:
I know the person who's being discussed here, and, from what I've seen of him, he is not a bad person. However, the list of things that he does that the OP lists in the first post are wrong, and he needs to take responsibility for that fact and for dealing with them.

You shouldn't have to stay with him for the sake of fixing him. You're not his parent; you're not responsible for fixing his life, and you need to think about your own safety. If you want to help, then help, but it would be safer for you to do it from a distance; and if you did end the relationship and refuse to go back until he stopped being abusive, then it might serve as enough of a shock to get him to do something.

What techniques does he have now to use when people frustrate him? Has he developed any coping mechanisms that can help curb his impulses?

Something that can help if people are pushing their views and not backing off is just to say "this conversation is over" and walk away. Hang up the phone. Go to your room and shut the door. Or just smile and nod politely and do what you were planning to do in the first place anyway.

Quote:
I believe a lot of his anger and frustration comes from his environment and his own issues eg: frustration at everyday life, lack of employment, money issues, lack of proper support in regards to these issues and associating with negative people which is slowly changing as he's removing some of these people from his life but they are only explanations not excuses and he does need to work on those issues.


And if he drives away one of the people who is most on his side, that won't make anything any better.



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07 Jan 2014, 3:16 am

Crazygirl79 wrote:
My partner has told me privately that does believe that God exists but he's not what I would call religious nor does he attend church however a spiritual outlet could be something to look at somewhere down the track and the Stress and Anger Management Counsellor we're going to works for a Christian based community services organisation.

He was going to a men's group at a Christian church a while back with a former friend however that friendship is now over due to the fact this friend's new girlfriend started being very negative and down right horrible to be around, on one occasion she sent me some rather nasty messages on Facebook which I dealt with by threatening her with legal action if she did it again, she also took a shot at my partner in these messages and she had antagonised him and myself in the past as well, the friend was also participating in this negativity to a lesser extent but it was still enough to cause problems and he and his girlfriend where among the negative people my partner had removed from his life as I've mentioned before.

He also attends a support group for adults with Aspergers as do I from time to time however the group is sometimes too large and we don't get anything of real value out of it, sometimes we leave there and feel as if we've had absolutely no support at all but there is another one on the other side of town but it's located too far for us to attend.

He doesn't really join the Aspie Facebook groups but then again they can be dodgy as well depending on who runs them and what their agenda is which may or may not be helpful.

Another thing he really needs to do and I hope one of these professionals mentions this to him is to find a hobby that's mentally challenging but fun and inexpensive at the same time.

S....


aspiemike wrote:
I don't think I would stick around for any abuse either. I have been described as controlling or demanding in the past myself, but never abusive. The guy will need to find counselling and therapy for sure.

I would even go further with the recommendation and suggest a spiritual outlet (Church for example).


Osama Bin Laden believed in God too.



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07 Jan 2014, 3:32 am

Personally I've never hit anyone during a meltdown in my entire life. Come close but never did.


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Crazygirl79
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07 Jan 2014, 3:37 am

I have lashed at people as a child but never as an adult but I felt bad afterwards...

S....

KingofKaboom wrote:
Personally I've never hit anyone during a meltdown in my entire life. Come close but never did.



Crazygirl79
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07 Jan 2014, 3:39 am

Osama Bin Laden believed in Allah which is the Islamic God, he was also an extremist fundamentalist and I would hardly compare him to someone with a small amount of faith in a higher being...

S...

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Crazygirl79 wrote:
My partner has told me privately that does believe that God exists but he's not what I would call religious nor does he attend church however a spiritual outlet could be something to look at somewhere down the track and the Stress and Anger Management Counsellor we're going to works for a Christian based community services organisation.

He was going to a men's group at a Christian church a while back with a former friend however that friendship is now over due to the fact this friend's new girlfriend started being very negative and down right horrible to be around, on one occasion she sent me some rather nasty messages on Facebook which I dealt with by threatening her with legal action if she did it again, she also took a shot at my partner in these messages and she had antagonised him and myself in the past as well, the friend was also participating in this negativity to a lesser extent but it was still enough to cause problems and he and his girlfriend where among the negative people my partner had removed from his life as I've mentioned before.

He also attends a support group for adults with Aspergers as do I from time to time however the group is sometimes too large and we don't get anything of real value out of it, sometimes we leave there and feel as if we've had absolutely no support at all but there is another one on the other side of town but it's located too far for us to attend.

He doesn't really join the Aspie Facebook groups but then again they can be dodgy as well depending on who runs them and what their agenda is which may or may not be helpful.

Another thing he really needs to do and I hope one of these professionals mentions this to him is to find a hobby that's mentally challenging but fun and inexpensive at the same time.

S....


aspiemike wrote:
I don't think I would stick around for any abuse either. I have been described as controlling or demanding in the past myself, but never abusive. The guy will need to find counselling and therapy for sure.

I would even go further with the recommendation and suggest a spiritual outlet (Church for example).


Osama Bin Laden believed in God too.



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07 Jan 2014, 3:43 am

The Islamic God is honestly abusive while the Christian God is hypocrite.


Crazygirl79 wrote:
Osama Bin Laden believed in Allah which is the Islamic God, he was also an extremist fundamentalist and I would hardly compare him to someone with a small amount of faith in a higher being...

S...
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Crazygirl79 wrote:
My partner has told me privately that does believe that God exists but he's not what I would call religious nor does he attend church however a spiritual outlet could be something to look at somewhere down the track and the Stress and Anger Management Counsellor we're going to works for a Christian based community services organisation.

He was going to a men's group at a Christian church a while back with a former friend however that friendship is now over due to the fact this friend's new girlfriend started being very negative and down right horrible to be around, on one occasion she sent me some rather nasty messages on Facebook which I dealt with by threatening her with legal action if she did it again, she also took a shot at my partner in these messages and she had antagonised him and myself in the past as well, the friend was also participating in this negativity to a lesser extent but it was still enough to cause problems and he and his girlfriend where among the negative people my partner had removed from his life as I've mentioned before.

He also attends a support group for adults with Aspergers as do I from time to time however the group is sometimes too large and we don't get anything of real value out of it, sometimes we leave there and feel as if we've had absolutely no support at all but there is another one on the other side of town but it's located too far for us to attend.

He doesn't really join the Aspie Facebook groups but then again they can be dodgy as well depending on who runs them and what their agenda is which may or may not be helpful.

Another thing he really needs to do and I hope one of these professionals mentions this to him is to find a hobby that's mentally challenging but fun and inexpensive at the same time.

S....


aspiemike wrote:
I don't think I would stick around for any abuse either. I have been described as controlling or demanding in the past myself, but never abusive. The guy will need to find counselling and therapy for sure.

I would even go further with the recommendation and suggest a spiritual outlet (Church for example).


Osama Bin Laden believed in God too.



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07 Jan 2014, 3:48 am

Quote:
to his credit he has slowed the hitting down a little


seriously? can you really not see what's wrong with this statement?


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