Aspie Partner's Anger Management Issues

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The_Face_of_Boo
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07 Jan 2014, 3:59 am

mds_02 wrote:
Quote:
to his credit he has slowed the hitting down a little


seriously? can you really not see what's wrong with this statement?


That reminds of that book written by a fundamentalist muslim cleric on how men should hit women "gently".

In his logic:
Man hitting woman "gently" without leaving marks = Gentleman.

Man hitting woman leaving marks = bad guy.

:lol:



Crazygirl79
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07 Jan 2014, 4:18 am

Yes I can see that the hitting shouldn't have happened in the first place but I also know when to give credit when it's due, he has toned it down and he is getting help for it!! There is really nothing more to say about this subject...

S....

mds_02 wrote:
Quote:
to his credit he has slowed the hitting down a little


seriously? can you really not see what's wrong with this statement?



Crazygirl79
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07 Jan 2014, 4:20 am

I don't know how this got onto religion but I'm guess it came from the suggestion made by another poster earlier?...

I think that poster was suggesting that my partner adopts the better aspects of Christianity meaning the parts where they're meant to do good by their fellow human..

S....

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
The Islamic God is honestly abusive while the Christian God is hypocrite.


Crazygirl79 wrote:
Osama Bin Laden believed in Allah which is the Islamic God, he was also an extremist fundamentalist and I would hardly compare him to someone with a small amount of faith in a higher being...

S...
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Crazygirl79 wrote:
My partner has told me privately that does believe that God exists but he's not what I would call religious nor does he attend church however a spiritual outlet could be something to look at somewhere down the track and the Stress and Anger Management Counsellor we're going to works for a Christian based community services organisation.

He was going to a men's group at a Christian church a while back with a former friend however that friendship is now over due to the fact this friend's new girlfriend started being very negative and down right horrible to be around, on one occasion she sent me some rather nasty messages on Facebook which I dealt with by threatening her with legal action if she did it again, she also took a shot at my partner in these messages and she had antagonised him and myself in the past as well, the friend was also participating in this negativity to a lesser extent but it was still enough to cause problems and he and his girlfriend where among the negative people my partner had removed from his life as I've mentioned before.

He also attends a support group for adults with Aspergers as do I from time to time however the group is sometimes too large and we don't get anything of real value out of it, sometimes we leave there and feel as if we've had absolutely no support at all but there is another one on the other side of town but it's located too far for us to attend.

He doesn't really join the Aspie Facebook groups but then again they can be dodgy as well depending on who runs them and what their agenda is which may or may not be helpful.

Another thing he really needs to do and I hope one of these professionals mentions this to him is to find a hobby that's mentally challenging but fun and inexpensive at the same time.

S....


aspiemike wrote:
I don't think I would stick around for any abuse either. I have been described as controlling or demanding in the past myself, but never abusive. The guy will need to find counselling and therapy for sure.

I would even go further with the recommendation and suggest a spiritual outlet (Church for example).


Osama Bin Laden believed in God too.



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07 Jan 2014, 4:24 am

Again this thread is not about religion, hitting of any sort is wrong but I think enough judgement has been passed despite the fact I have said several times that my partner is getting help for this issue, it's getting to the point where I'm getting annoyed now and I'm considering asking Admin to lock or delete the thread...

People are entitled to their opinions and views but please respect that I have already made a decision in regards to this situation even if some of you don't agree with it.

S...

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
mds_02 wrote:
Quote:
to his credit he has slowed the hitting down a little


seriously? can you really not see what's wrong with this statement?


That reminds of that book written by a fundamentalist muslim cleric on how men should hit women "gently".

In his logic:
Man hitting woman "gently" without leaving marks = Gentleman.

Man hitting woman leaving marks = bad guy.

:lol:



The_Face_of_Boo
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07 Jan 2014, 6:11 am

So what was your decision?

I bet you decided to stay trying with him.



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07 Jan 2014, 8:07 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
The Islamic God is honestly abusive while the Christian God is hypocrite.


Crazygirl79 wrote:
Osama Bin Laden believed in Allah which is the Islamic God, he was also an extremist fundamentalist and I would hardly compare him to someone with a small amount of faith in a higher being...

S...
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Crazygirl79 wrote:
My partner has told me privately that does believe that God exists but he's not what I would call religious nor does he attend church however a spiritual outlet could be something to look at somewhere down the track and the Stress and Anger Management Counsellor we're going to works for a Christian based community services organisation.

He was going to a men's group at a Christian church a while back with a former friend however that friendship is now over due to the fact this friend's new girlfriend started being very negative and down right horrible to be around, on one occasion she sent me some rather nasty messages on Facebook which I dealt with by threatening her with legal action if she did it again, she also took a shot at my partner in these messages and she had antagonised him and myself in the past as well, the friend was also participating in this negativity to a lesser extent but it was still enough to cause problems and he and his girlfriend where among the negative people my partner had removed from his life as I've mentioned before.

He also attends a support group for adults with Aspergers as do I from time to time however the group is sometimes too large and we don't get anything of real value out of it, sometimes we leave there and feel as if we've had absolutely no support at all but there is another one on the other side of town but it's located too far for us to attend.

He doesn't really join the Aspie Facebook groups but then again they can be dodgy as well depending on who runs them and what their agenda is which may or may not be helpful.

Another thing he really needs to do and I hope one of these professionals mentions this to him is to find a hobby that's mentally challenging but fun and inexpensive at the same time.

S....


aspiemike wrote:
I don't think I would stick around for any abuse either. I have been described as controlling or demanding in the past myself, but never abusive. The guy will need to find counselling and therapy for sure.

I would even go further with the recommendation and suggest a spiritual outlet (Church for example).


Osama Bin Laden believed in God too.

In ancient Aramaic, the language the people around north of the Sea of Galilee (Nazareth, were Jesus grew up), the word for God is pronounced allaha. The Aramaic bible says allaha, not God. Jesus didn't speak English.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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07 Jan 2014, 8:41 am

appletheclown wrote:
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
The Islamic God is honestly abusive while the Christian God is hypocrite.


Crazygirl79 wrote:
Osama Bin Laden believed in Allah which is the Islamic God, he was also an extremist fundamentalist and I would hardly compare him to someone with a small amount of faith in a higher being...

S...
The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Crazygirl79 wrote:
My partner has told me privately that does believe that God exists but he's not what I would call religious nor does he attend church however a spiritual outlet could be something to look at somewhere down the track and the Stress and Anger Management Counsellor we're going to works for a Christian based community services organisation.

He was going to a men's group at a Christian church a while back with a former friend however that friendship is now over due to the fact this friend's new girlfriend started being very negative and down right horrible to be around, on one occasion she sent me some rather nasty messages on Facebook which I dealt with by threatening her with legal action if she did it again, she also took a shot at my partner in these messages and she had antagonised him and myself in the past as well, the friend was also participating in this negativity to a lesser extent but it was still enough to cause problems and he and his girlfriend where among the negative people my partner had removed from his life as I've mentioned before.

He also attends a support group for adults with Aspergers as do I from time to time however the group is sometimes too large and we don't get anything of real value out of it, sometimes we leave there and feel as if we've had absolutely no support at all but there is another one on the other side of town but it's located too far for us to attend.

He doesn't really join the Aspie Facebook groups but then again they can be dodgy as well depending on who runs them and what their agenda is which may or may not be helpful.

Another thing he really needs to do and I hope one of these professionals mentions this to him is to find a hobby that's mentally challenging but fun and inexpensive at the same time.

S....


aspiemike wrote:
I don't think I would stick around for any abuse either. I have been described as controlling or demanding in the past myself, but never abusive. The guy will need to find counselling and therapy for sure.

I would even go further with the recommendation and suggest a spiritual outlet (Church for example).


Osama Bin Laden believed in God too.

In ancient Aramaic, the language the people around north of the Sea of Galilee (Nazareth, were Jesus grew up), the word for God is pronounced allaha. The Aramaic bible says allaha, not God. Jesus didn't speak English.


Allah is the Arabic name for God. CHRISTIAN Arabs call him Allah too.

And Mohamad's full name was Mohamad bin Abudallah,meaning the word was there before Islam, it referred to a pagan god.



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07 Jan 2014, 8:50 am

If you want to avoid getting further annoyed by this thread, ask for it to be locked. We won't be able to stop ourselves responding in all manner of related and unrelated ways. That's just how it is. We are willing to receive help and guidance about stopping ourselves from responding to unlocked threads in ways that we feel impelled to do which are sometimes aggravating and upsetting to the OP and we do it sometimes completely oblivious to the consequences such as getting rude messages from the Moderators about the quality of our posting or even getting locked out of the website temporarily or for a while.

It's your decision how you handle this.



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07 Jan 2014, 11:05 am

Crazygirl79 wrote:
My partner and I both have AS/ADHD and I have mild vocal tics and a suspected non-verbal learning disability in to my AS/ADHD.

We have been together for over 2 years and for the most part it's been a reasonably good experience but there are a few things I am beginning to find almost intolerable and his poor anger management skills is one of them.

1: When I say or do something he doesn't like he sometimes hits me...


Dont need to read further. He wants to hit someone, he shall go to a box-club. He wants to be with you? He shall leave now, do therapy, and come back when he is done with it. But there is not tolerance for hitting. As long as he hits, you dont have any sort of relationship, you have an as*hole living with you, that hits you. So when he already has officially ended your relationship by hitting you, why dont you wanna accept?



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07 Jan 2014, 6:45 pm

IIRC he has ADHD too, right? That's probably contributing to his impulse control problems. Have you tried asking around on ADHD boards as well for strategies?

Another place to look might be the Parent's Discussion here; I know he's not a child, but a lot of parents here have dealt with impulse control issues and emotional regulation issues in their children, and you might find some useful tools there.

Make sure you take care of your own safety and well-being above all else.


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07 Jan 2014, 10:13 pm

Crazygirl79 wrote:
I totally understand the reactions from the responses and because I know very him well I will discuss this with him and even show this as a way to point out that hitting is not acceptable when one is angry and these responses prove that other people feel the same way and I may even show the Psychologist that he will soon be seeing and the Counsellor that we're both seeing for anger and stress management issues (I have some of these problems as well but my impulse control is much better than his and I don't go around hitting people unless I absolutely had to in self defense which I have not had to do often in my life) and they can reiterate and reinforce to him how unacceptable that behaviour is and how people judge and condemn it.

I believe a lot of his anger and frustration comes from his environment and his own issues eg: frustration at everyday life, lack of employment, money issues, lack of proper support in regards to these issues and associating with negative people which is slowly changing as he's removing some of these people from his life but they are only explanations not excuses and he does need to work on those issues.

On a camping trip last year he lost his temper and hit his long term friend who also has AS and other co-morbid conditions one of which he need medication for and the guy stopped associating with him for a while and they recently rekindled their friendship which will never be the same but they both know that, he was genuinely remorseful for his actions as he is when he's lashed out at me verbally or occasionally physically, he lashes out at others verbally and is prone to meltdowns at times however some of the people in his life do tend to over step his boundaries including his well meaning, caring and loving parents hence the removal of some of the friends from his life (he wouldn't do that to anyone in his family unless they were really really bad people which they're not) and I have seen this myself, come to think of it I'd be pretty pissed off too if people kept telling me what to do, pushing their ideals onto me and pushing the issue on certain things etc however he needs to learn to communicate effectively rather than lashing out.

For example he worked in Warehousing for 3 years and while he stuck with the job for that time he didn't really like it and it was low paying, since then his mother although she wants the best for him continues to push the issue in terms if telling him that he should go back into that type of work despite the fact he has been as polite as possible in telling her he's not interested in that type of work, just recently she sent an email for a Warehousing course which annoyed him (righty so too) because he has already told her he doesn't want to do that type of work more than once.

Another example is that he was offered a job with the Australian Postal Service which he didn't take up because it wasn't suitable for him as far as he was concerned and his mother again kept nagging and pushing the issue to a point where he almost had a meltdown over it, again he politely told her he wasn't interested more than once but she continued it, if someone says no to something more than once isn't it up to the person whose pushing the issue to stop, back off and respect the boundaries?!

While everything I've written here is absolutely true and from my perspective there are two sides to a story and there are reasons for everything, he is making an effort by agreeing to seek professional help for these issues (appointments and stuff have been and are getting put into place as I write this response) so that doesn't make him an entirely hopeless case at all and while he is a little on the immature side the fact he's acknowledged these issues and agreeing to seek help for them is a fairly mature thing to do on his part, I know of lots of people including my ex who was older and more educated who wouldn't bother even acknowledging that they have a problem let alone agreeing to seek professional help for these types of issues.

He has already been to a Financial Counsellor with me and he was very honest with her about his money issues nd she gave some good advice, he will start to pay his debts slowly but surely and I am paying one of these debts as my name is attached to one of them and I have taken control of the bill paying now although I will say that while he was in control of the bill paying he has never failed to pay the rent (I have seen receipts and if the rent wasn't paid the real estate would have contacted us about it by now)

He has also agreed to join a fitness group (which is run by an acquaintance who is aware of the situation) as this will help with his excess anger as well, I will be joining for similar reasons as well as weight loss.

I don't plan on leaving at this stage as I know more about this situation than what I've mentioned here, I want to support him in getting this help as well as some help for myself as well and see how that goes however as I've said before if there are no positive changes or if therapy doesn't work then I will definitely look at ending the relationship and moving on because like everyone who has responded has said it is wrong, it cannot continue and leaving may certainly be the only option if things don't change for the better.

I apologise for the long post but I felt I needed to elaborate and explain things further...

S...


Initially, I didn't think that the hitting was part of the AS. At first, I probably would of advised you to leave too but after reading the context here, I can see where it's coming from. I've had meltdowns for similar reasons but I don't think that I've ever hit people due to them. The hitting is still not ok though and I hope that the therapy helps. Help him if you can but you can't stay with him if he doesn't show interest in changing with the therapy.



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12 Jan 2014, 9:03 pm

He and I will be discussing the option of living in separate accommodation while he gets the help he needs, not only will we both have the space and alone time to think about where this relationship is going, if it can go any further or if a platonic friendship is a better option but we will also have the space and alone time to work through our financial difficulties because we're both on disability, we don't get the full rate because we're a couple and we only get $1200 per fortnight between us and it's just simply not enough to survive at this point and this is causing a lot of the problems between us as well, I work casually but sadly it's not regular work however if we separate we will both get the full rate of disability and rental assistance and if we live in cheaper accommodation through social housing it'll make it easier for him to pay his debts and live and he and I will meet up a couple of times a week or something like that..

This option actually work out better as I'm more of an introvert and he definitely isn't and sometimes we clash because of those differences but I'll only do this for 6 months and if there aren't any real signs of positive change then I'll most likely move on from the relationship entirely.

S...



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12 Jan 2014, 9:27 pm

You're introverted and you feel he isn't. For someone that may be an Aspie... there is a huge chance now that he is faking his extroverted traits. Men who try hard to be extroverted when they aren't often have fragile egos. I could obviously be wrong... but there are people who feel too much pressure to be someone they aren't.


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12 Jan 2014, 10:23 pm

He is a diagnosed Aspie as am I and in comparison to myself he is more sociable and extroverted naturally, he has his moments where he does need space and alone but I seem to need it a lot more than him and he always has to have a friend whereas I can survive a bit better in my own company, I like a quiet life while he likes to have small gatherings with friends etc.

S....

aspiemike wrote:
You're introverted and you feel he isn't. For someone that may be an Aspie... there is a huge chance now that he is faking his extroverted traits. Men who try hard to be extroverted when they aren't often have fragile egos. I could obviously be wrong... but there are people who feel too much pressure to be someone they aren't.



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17 Jan 2014, 6:42 pm

UPDATE

My partner mother is now aware of the situation and she has offered support to both of us including taking my partner to his Doctor to get the referral to see the Psychologist which he got yesterday as mentioned below, she also apparently had some stern words with him in regards to his behaviour and told him that it is totally unacceptable to hit people and since then he has made some significant improvements and has made every effort to stop the unacceptable behaviours.

Yesterday he went to his General Practioner, got a referral to see a Psychologist and he sees her of the 4th of February, this Tuesday coming I will be seeing the Financial Counsellor on my own as my partner has to help his mother out at her office which is fair enough because I can pass on any information from the Financial Counsellor if necessary.

Next week we will also be making an appointment to see the Stress and Anger Management Counsellor and the following week I will try and make an appointment with a Homeopath in regards to treating his ADHD (and mine as well) as he is understandably reluctant to accept conventional treatment due to some of the undesirable side effects such medications have.

We are also taking steps to paying off the debts he's in and I took on a debt collecting company who was in breach of certain rules, regulations and laws and that situation has been resolved.

We are both committed to making some positive changes and working on the relationship but he has also been aware that if he reverts back to his old ways we're history and I believe he has taken this seriously.

S.....



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17 Jan 2014, 10:30 pm

Hon, it doesn't matter what his intentions are. You're living with a man who can't control himself reliably and is now struggling not to hit you. That's a dangerous situation and you have no idea when it might turn seriously dangerous, in part because he doesn't know, either.

You need to stop kidding yourself about how much persuasive power you have in this situation, and recognize that regardless of how much you two may love each other, it's simply too dangerous for you to stay. You can skype, you can talk on the phone, you can be together in public, but unless he turns into a person who finds it inconceivable to hit people just because he's angry, he's too dangerous for you to be around him.

When people say "you deserve better than this", by the way, it's true. They're not saying he's a bad person; they're saying you should have, and should assume you will get, much better treatment.

Please get out of there. You do not have to discuss it with him first, and it isn't disloyal of you or a betrayal for you to simply go.