Decided to work on my social skills again

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My mind is often preoccupied with how I can best talk to a very narrow range of people (band members) and so far I've been relying on my impulses rather than keeping things relevant and appropriate. But I've been struggling so much with going up to talk to this one band member (it's also very hard because I might see this person once every 3, 6 or 12 months) that I've decided to widen my scope of people whom I'd like to really work on my social skills with.

I do the whole rehearsal of small talk in my head like a few people here do. I've found it quite beneficial. Even though I have very little control what goes out of my mouth I find those subjects I thought up in my head days or weeks ago come out.

I still think I need some very specific pointers to help me build on my social skills so I've decided to list a few issues I'm having and people can reply to one, more or all and offer some suggestions.

Eye contact: I actually know how to make it and all the tricks about making yourself seem to look at the eyes when you don't but I simply forget to make it at all. Sometimes I can remember it and force it but most times I don't do this. Eye contact can be quite a distracting thing for me and I might muddle my words up more when I make it, so it's kind of difficult to know whether I should do it at all.

Getting past the greeting: This is where I can falter if my impulsive tongue does not take over. After the whole 'hi, how are you' exchange I begin to grab at any thought in the dark that sounds slightly relevant. I might just jump straight away into questions or I might be silent for awhile.

I think my real problem is with flow. How do I make my conversational style flow? I've watched other people and they seem so comfortable that they don't start and stop, have a pause here, a few ums - no, they seem to exchange words like a perfect game of ping pong when the ball never drops and there are no misses. In contrast, I fail to hit the ball at every try. Don't ask where I got this ping pong analogy from.

Keeping the conversation going: I can't seem to talk to a person longer than a few minutes. The only time I did this was when I was taking Ritalin but I was too speedy and loud and I don't want to come off as a type of speed freak. I'm at a loss what to do. To me it feels like I need to just come up with as many topics as possible and that building on my own general knowledge is important. But I read quite a lot and that knowledge has never come in handy.

Following group conversation: surely there is a secret to get better at this? It might include not zoning out when I 1)get bored or 2) just give up when I realise I have no idea what people are talking about. I am completely clueless about how to join in on a group conversation too even if I can contribute something. I just don't know when I can come in and not seem like I'm rudely interrupting.

There are some new things I've picked up like saying the second 'how are you?' That's a hard one for me. I realise that I really don't care too much about how a person is and right now it's on my own progress of social skills. It's almost like letting someone work out a math problem for you you're excited to work out on your own. I know, I know, if I want people to listen to me and hear me properly then I need to give as much back to them.

I know I'll always seem a bit odd and immature. I can't help but have my special interests and share them around. But there will come a time when I can't just rely on rehashing a bunch of information about what I've learned. People do get interested in it particulars the astronomy stuff which I'm about to get back into.

I've gotten by ok from just being myself with my sub-par social skills but as I get the opportunity to talk to a lot of band members I thought it would be both good to develop enough skills to talk to them and practice what I've learnt on them too.

I'm a seriously stubborn and committed person and even if there's only one person I want to go up and talk to I will do all I care to make sure I have my social skills built up enough to comfortably talk to this person. Plus, I'll probably have had a few drinks too.

I know this is long but I'd really appreciate some help.

One thing I have also noticed especially in Australia, is this huge divide of the different conversational styles of men and women. Both are equally as uncomfortable although women are more so. The women I find myself around are either too gossipy or are always willing to offer their help (sometimes when it's not even their business to) or are just nurturing and emotional. I know...how dare they? I just get very uncomfortable when people show a lot of emotion and want me to share in that emotion. Men, in contrast, are brash and say a lot of rude things, often mild moderate sexual innuendo. They seem to just joke around and make fun of each other a lot. Sometimes when I'm in a good mood I can just listen and laugh along but when I'm anxious it gets difficult.

I'm not sure why I mentioned that. I do want to feel more comfortable and be able to participate in these different types of conversation styles, particularity with my males friends because they seem to have more fun.

Reading body language is something else I need to work out but I think I have a basic idea. I know my mood disorder really screws with it because sometimes my anxiety makes me think people are thinking negative things about me, or it can be the opposite - suddenly everyone just wants to sleep with me. So, it's really hard to read people properly when that happens.
I'm ok with tone of voice too. Actually, I might exaggerate it and most times think people are criticizing me when they're not.
Trying to work out the motivation behind what people say is more difficult to work out.

Lastly, is it better to talk with hands? You know, when people talk they move around their arms a lot. It helps with the flow?

So, yeah, I really need help. I also don't know how to even begin to put into practice what I've learnt. It's like I need to schedule that too.

just say hi, how are you(whatever that means)? before they do, and appear to be interested. find some key words that they say, that they appear to be interested in, and exploit them. if you cannot figure out what to say, walk away like your excited about something, and behave as if you still had something to say. that way they will still want to talk to you again, because they will want to know what is on your mind, even though there is nothing there, move on to the next victim, and do it again. ooh, and dont forget the handshake. it's soo important. smart phones are really nice, you can be distracted, and have something to doodle with while they talk endlessly. social skills work best when other people are in a group, and talk way too much. again, appear to be listening and interested while gazing into an endless fog of abyss. it is actually usually best to say as little as possible, people will like you better, especially women. if you can say two words, and then they say at least ten, you're good. if they say over 20 to your two words than you are a social marvel.

Wow, hat's off from another "seriously stubborn and committed person." Sounds like you're tackling a lot at once.

I'm glad to hear you're getting back into the astronomy thing; as a socially-awkward person, I've found I do much, much better around science types than around entertainment/artsy people.

As for flow ... I've found that it's like recreational ping-pong (good analogy!) rather than professional table tennis. Lots of ball-dropping and unexpected spins, and nobody takes it too seriously and it just keeps on going until they saunter off to get sodas, chatting along. That's not helpful, is it?

It might help to post separate topics for your individual questions. (This from the woman who's just finished posting several long multi-topic questions, so take with salt.)

I totally forgot I wrote this and I apologize for the length. I was meant to write a blog post about it but wasn't sure how to go about it. Sometimes words just flow out of me and sometimes it's hard to even get started.

Yournamehere that was good advice about saying everything first so there's no second awkward 'how are you.' The people I'm around a lot are usually more huggers than hand shakers. I think I do better with the hand shakers to be honest. My hugging is loose but stiff and terribly awkward but I can force out a firm and energetic hand shake. I don't know why I'm such an awkward hugger. I'm sure I can work on it.

My energy levels can be quite all over the place and lately I've been tired when around people, although today I've been more energetic to just say anything at all to people. They've been unusually quiet....housemates. They make good practice but sometimes aren't really up for it themselves. But when I'm tired I'm really not able to put any of the skills I've learned into practice.

I think my problem is I want to join in on group chat. I'm female too so I don't care much about women liking me. Not like that. I must admit I''m unsure if men like someone who is chatty or not.

The extended ping pong analogy is good. It does seem like it's not as back and forth as tennis. A pity it's not like basketball. You know, people toss you the ball so it's like it's your turn to talk, and then people follow you as long as you've got the ball and you pass it on to the next person to talk. I should just rewrite the social rules based on basketball metaphors.

Yes. I think it's important to keep appearing to have confidence. My problem is I'm so emotionally reactive. I might not slap everyone in the face who I think deserves it but I do show my disappointment quite early on.

I need to somehow draw up a chart so I can remember I want to improve on my social skills. I get so caught up with my interests. I've jumped from astronomy to comic books, but I hope when the clouds clear at night so I can see some stars that I can get back into it.

Some good pointers there. Keep em coming.

I think often it's more important to focus on listening rather than trying to come up with something interesting to say. When you're nervous in a social setting it's quite normal for anyone to start obsessing over "I must not say the wrong thing". This will draw your attention away from the actual conversation, and more likely that you will miss conversational clues and shifts, which again makes it more likely that you may say something out of place.

I know this is easy to say, but not so easy to practise. But listening skills is still a good place to start working on social skills. Listening to what is beeing said, putting in the mms, ahs, nos and wows and keeping a little eye contact.

My husband has really mastered this, and is quite popular. It actually took me two years to realise that some of the time he is just running on autopilot. His conversation partner feels just as interesting and listened to .

I have more of a problem about zoning out than worrying what to say. Sometimes I do worry but I can block it out. I used to freeze up in social situations over my own anxiety and now it's very hard to stay focused and not get stuck in my head thinking random thoughts.

I do the listening thing quite a lot and I suppose it is good. I do learn quite a lot about that person which is important to me. I'm a very awkward replier though.

I admit I am nervous about meeting (someone once called it 'breaking the ice') with certain people I haven't gotten a chance to talk to yet. People in bands but very popular people. The greats of Australian rock and roll. I've met Tim Rogers and have talked to him a bit although last time I wondered if maybe I overstayed my welcome (man is a bit anxious), so I think I'm ok with him, but it's people like that I want to meet. And I will continue to develop my social skills for just a few minutes of conversation for one not only. Or one night only a few times a year.

Keep working on your social skills! I too am working on mine as well. I am trying to work on not cutting people off when they are speaking and also trying to volunteer to tell them about an experience when they are speaking about a particular issue. It's soooo hard but I am working on it!