Dating Report 3

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Well she wrote me back. She enjoyed the evening, but wasn't feeling any chemistry. So that's that.

I'm done. At least, done for a while. I've spent way too much on these dates. I know I shouldn't and it's not that I'm trying to impress, but I just feel like it's what I'm supposed to do. I dunno. I don't know anything.

All I know is I want to find someone and the process is calculated to be as difficult as possible. Why is it, that such a fundamental, basic human need is so difficult to obtain? I just want to matter to somebody.

I know I'm not perfect, and I know I've been doing things wrong, but why oh why must this be so hard, when what I want is so simple and necessary? I'm sitting here writing this, feeling utterly spent, totally fed up with the whole process, and really despairing that there is any hope that things'll get better.

I'm done. Done trying. Done wasting money I could've spent on ball cards and more antique radios. Done wasting time spent on research and work and improving my mind. Done fantasizing about a life I cannot have. Done investing myself in things I can't control.

From here on, I live for me and no one else. I do what I want to do. I'm going to work hard and better myself because I want to be better. I'm going to work hard to achieve something good in the world, and let that good work stand as my impact.

Dear Brian:

As I caught myself up on this story (I have only read this particular thread, as of now.. I know you alluded to previous ones), I was thinking to myself that you seem to be doing a fantastic job, and getting great advice, and that by the end there would likely be nothing for me to contribute. Reading your last post, and how discouraged you seem to be feeling... I have changed my mind. I hope it isn't rude of me to share an opinion or two, because I am a bit younger but in a similar stage in life.

I have no idea if you might be religious, but I base a lot of what I do on the christian Bible and what it has to say. Jesus was once challenged to choose one law from the old law books that was most important... and he said the first and greatest commandment was to love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. He goes on to say that the second greatest commandment (again, second ONLY to loving God himself) is to love your neighbor as yourself. If you look at the structure of the words in that second command, you can see that the only way to obey it is to first be loving to yourself (otherwise, loving them as much as you love you would be meaningless). In my opinion it even goes a step further and says that we are to love others the WAY that we love ourselves, as though learning to truly love and care for yourself as a person is the only real template to know HOW to love somebody else. Even if you don't care much for what the Bible has to say, I think there is real merit and wisdom to these priorities.

You say towards the end of your last post, Brian, that you will live for yourself and nobody else. I second that, actually... I think there is a big difference between being selfish and self-centered. Selfishness is harming or at least neglecting others for the sake of your own relative benefit... but I believe strongly that every human should be self-centered. Who else could possibly be the right person to center YOURself around? The thing I will point out is that you also said earlier you want to find someone... you call this a fundamental human need... and most profoundly said you just want to matter to someone. I hear you SO clearly on this, Brian, and believe me when I say that I know exactly how appealing it seems to give up on this desire to avoid the risk of experiencing that pain again.

I think that eventually... not necessarily today, and probably not next week yet, but at some point you need to really decide and choose whether you truly do want someone, and want to matter to someone romantically. My guess is that you honestly do, but if not that's fine too. All I know for certain is that if the pain you feel today convinces you to simply pretend, and to fake like you don't want this bad enough for it to be worth hurting over... then that is sad, and it's not very loving of you to give up on your own deeply held desires that way.

Lastly, as a minor point, it sounded like you feel you've maybe spent too much money on these dates? If that is the case then you certainly don't have to continue doing that. Everyone has their own preferences, and your own preferences are the ones you should listen to to know how much to spend. The real point of the first date or two is just to get some... "Face Time" I'll call it, so that if either of you honestly DOESN'T feel the chemistry that your date mentioned, at least you find out quickly and can avoid wasting anyone's time. If you decide you want to spoil a date financially a bit later, that is totally ok. But I would encourage you to consider the bare essentials of that first time date with a girl. She needs to meet you, get a sense for what you are like in person... get a glimpse of your mannerisms and what you really look like in real life... perhaps hear your unique timing when you speak and the tone of voice you use at different times. Those are the basic organic ingredients that first dates are normally about, and it shouldn't be too expensive to accomplish it really. In my opinion it isn't time yet to attract a girl with the offer of a really special and interesting experience, because to be blunt a girl is going to like that experience or not, and you having shown up may not even make any difference. Let it be all about you as a person and her as a person... and if you are both interested after the first date, then you can much more safely consider making more of a financial investment.

I think you have been honorable and nice and very cool in the things that you did with this girl and said to her. Neither you or her can help whether she happens to feel any attraction to you... and it is certainly no slight to you that she did not. I assure you that if you DO decide to keep going with this search for love, there are absolutely girls out there waiting for someone just like you to finally come along.

^^^ very pleased to meet you.

Proverbs 19: 22 (NIV)- What a person desires is unfailing love; better to be a poor person than a liar

My favourite in that book so far and quite true in my experience.

Thanks so much for the kind words. They help because I am despairing at the moment.

This whole process, this game feels hopelessly rigged, like a club everyone else belongs to, but I can't join. I sometimes have my doubts if I want a long term relationship or not, but ultimately it is theoretical. I just don't know because I've never been allowed to make it that far. Countless first dates, and nothing more.

Only two women every have I gotten close enough to, that they allowed me to kiss them. And they were people I'd known for years.

You see, I KNOW I've got something really good within me to share with others, but I need time. I need for the other person to get to know me because I'm couched in so many flaws and this damned autism I loathe so much. One date isn't enough, and yet for others it is.

I just want...to be wanted. To be desired. I want to feel sexy and desirable and needed, and like i said earlier, just to know that I matter. Because right now I feel like if I disappeared right now the impact would be minimal. My parents would be sad, but of course parents are supposed to be sad. My coworkers would move on, my job would be filled by someone else, and the few friends I have would move on too because they've all got wives and/or children who matter more to them than I ever could.

It's that feeling that I'm tertiary in the world and even to the people I know. How I'd love to find one person for whom I mean the world, and they mean the world to me.

How I yearn to be freed of the maddening lonliness that drives me to desire to do drastic things to end it all once and for good. I've even looked into chemical castration, just so I can be free of the unceasing desire that cannot be fulfilled or relieved. I sometimes think about doing worse. I talk to my therapist about all this, but I fear even that won't do much good.

I need confidence, but how am I to get it until I've found some success? Without success aren't I just lying and misrepresenting myself every time I try to fake it? When at the end of the day I'm just a silly fool with big dreams who's likely going nowhere, who yearns for companionship, but just invites more isolation instead.

Thanks all. I'm going to take a break from dating for a while. But soon it'll warm up again, and the outdoor festivals will pick up. I do well in those and I enjoy being there and people watching.

I'm going to throw myself into meeting women face to face. I'm going to approach strangers and talk to them, and just keep trying until I find someone.