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EzraS
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14 Jan 2014, 11:49 pm

I was watching a clip from that Parenthood show with the aspie kid, and he was getting upset
in line at the grocery store because they person ahead had 14 items in the 10 items or less register.
And I am the same way. Im not likely to say something, but i really want to correct people a lot.
On another forum I got a warning today for "backseat moderating" because i was quoting
rules too much.

So do you feel compelled to enforce rules even when its none of your business or not your place to do so?



Meistersinger
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15 Jan 2014, 12:08 am

EzraS wrote:
I was watching a clip from that Parenthood show with the aspie kid, and he was getting upset
in line at the grocery store because they person ahead had 14 items in the 10 items or less register.
And I am the same way. Im not likely to say something, but i really want to correct people a lot.
On another forum I got a warning today for "backseat moderating" because i was quoting
rules too much.

So do you feel compelled to enforce rules even when its none of your business or not your place to do so?


How busy were the rest of the checkouts? If they're standing 3 or more customers deep with all lines open and filled with customers, I'd keep my mouth shut, unless you want it slapped shut, as pointing out rules in that situation is considered extremely rude.

And before you jump my arse, that is exactly what my parents did to me when I was your age, screaming if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all, as they slapped my face.



Last edited by Meistersinger on 15 Jan 2014, 12:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

Ilovemyaspiegirl
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15 Jan 2014, 12:33 am

Meistersinger wrote:
EzraS wrote:
I was watching a clip from that Parenthood show with the aspie kid, and he was getting upset
in line at the grocery store because they person ahead had 14 items in the 10 items or less register.
And I am the same way. Im not likely to say something, but i really want to correct people a lot.
On another forum I got a warning today for "backseat moderating" because i was quoting
rules too much.

So do you feel compelled to enforce rules even when its none of your business or not your place to do so?


How busy were the rest of the checkouts? If they're standing 3 or more customers deep with all lines open and filled with customers, I'd keep my mouth shut, unless you want it slapped shut, as pointing out rules in that situation is considered extremely rude.

Autism, no autism, busy supermarket whatever the situation idc how rude my kid appears to be if anyone ever "slapped" her for speaking the truth (i.e., they had more items than 10 in the 10 item lane), they'd really have a rude awaking from this mom. First I want to say kudos to you for posting. It's certainly not easy to be 13 period but, to talk about how having autism affects your life, you have no idea how many other kids and/or parents out there your helping by doing so.

Now as for the rules thing, my daughter is 7 and she has Aspergers and tends to correct others quite a bit too. On one hand, I like that she does because let's face it, the rules are there for a reason. There is however a way to address ppl following the rules and a way to definitely NOT do it. Maybe you could take a journal with you (if you're the kid at the store for example) and since you're aware that it's wrong to verbalized that you're upset the person isn't following the rules, you could write it down. Even like you're saying it to the person at that moment. For example, hey you lady with 15 items, can't you read the sign says 10 not 15 and you have 15. Maybe saying it in paper would help you get it out but, not cause your mom or dad to get into a fight with the lady in front of you.

Certain rules need to be pointed out when they're being broken however and you ahould ask a parent or other adult you trust what rules specifically you should maybe correct verbally when someone is breaking them. See the lady in the grocery store line isn't hurting anyone by having more than 10 items. It annoying for sure and rude on her part definitely but, it's not a danger to anyone and it's not "illegal" so most NTs won't tell her anything. But, if someone is stealing at the store and you see them, you should definitely tell an adult. You don't want to say anything to that person necessarily but, not because it would be rude for you to do so but because that person may become aggressive with you or hurt you or whatever. That's too much if a safety issue so again tell an adult.

Again, thanks for sharing your experience with others like myself. Hope this helps you navigate your life somehow.



Sweetleaf
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15 Jan 2014, 1:28 am

It really depends on the rule, whether or not I agree with it....and especially if its any of my business or not(which in most cases its probably not).


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EzraS
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15 Jan 2014, 2:08 am

Meistersinger wrote:

How busy were the rest of the checkouts? If they're standing 3 or more customers deep with all lines open and filled with customers, I'd keep my mouth shut, unless you want it slapped shut, as pointing out rules in that situation is considered extremely rude.

And before you jump my arse, that is exactly what my parents did to me when I was your age, screaming if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all, as they slapped my face.


Meh since when did psychically abusing someone solve anything?
Especially psychically abusing someone who is developmentally disabled?
Im not sure what you are trying to endorse here.



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15 Jan 2014, 2:29 am

What is the point in having rules if they are not going to enforce them?

I would keep my mouth shut as well because I do not like conflicts. Plus people get mad when you tell them what to do if you don't have authority over them. I can't remember the last time I got confused when I would see a rule being broken and ask why that person is allowed to do it. When I did that about one of our neighbors who had a dog when we lived in our apartment, my husband told me I just tattled on the person who was breaking the rent rule about pets. I wanted to know why he had one if she (the landlord) had a rule about no pets.


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TallyMan
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15 Jan 2014, 3:42 am

The thing many people on the spectrum have difficulty with is black and white thinking. Sometimes you need to think in shades of grey too regarding rules. So for example with supermarket checkouts marked "ten items or less"; think about the reason for that rule. The rule exists to help people with only a few items to speed through the checkout without having to queue in line behind someone with a hundred items.

However, the shades of grey come in when the supermarket isn't very busy. If the checkout for 10 or less items is standing idle and I have say 14 items, I will politely ask the cashier "may I?" and the response in invariably yes (because she's sitting twiddling her thumbs with nothing to do). So technically I've broken the rule and so has she. What is not acceptable is for someone with 50 items to just dump their groceries on the 10 or fewer items conveyor without permission.


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Woodfish
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15 Jan 2014, 7:11 am

at the time my sister felt this was just outrageous of me :-) .. in sweden (where i am from) you have to have the car's lights turned on all the time, day and night. i had recently got my licence .. and saw a police car (! !!) approaching (this happened in bright daylight) .. (tip to younger woodfish: maybe the police knows the rules? maybe you need not remind THEM!?) ..

well, i flashed my headlights at the police car as we passed in the street .. and OF COURSE they waved me in about one minute later .. and i said extremely naively that it looked to me like they didn't have their lights properly turned on .. lolol .. they patiently yet slightly condescendingly explained to me that they were in fact following the rules .. their smaller lights at the corners were turned on and that that was enough!


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Marky9
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15 Jan 2014, 9:08 am

I am also prone to rule-based, black-and-white thinking.

So in a situation such as that described, I usually try to keep my mouth shut; in that way the situation becomes a chance for personal growth and development.


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Ilovemyaspiegirl
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15 Jan 2014, 9:48 am

TallyMan wrote:
The thing many people on the spectrum have difficulty with is black and white thinking. Sometimes you need to think in shades of grey too regarding rules. So for example with supermarket checkouts marked "ten items or less"; think about the reason for that rule. The rule exists to help people with only a few items to speed through the checkout without having to queue in line behind someone with a hundred items.

However, the shades of grey come in when the supermarket isn't very busy. If the checkout for 10 or less items is standing idle and I have say 14 items, I will politely ask the cashier "may I?" and the response in invariably yes (because she's sitting twiddling her thumbs with nothing to do). So technically I've broken the rule and so has she. What is not acceptable is for someone with 50 items to just dump their groceries on the 10 or fewer items conveyor without permission.


That was put rather nicely. I guess it's like saying it's okay to break certain rules at certain times under certain situations to a certain degree. This "grey area thinking" can be quite confusing to someone with Aspergers and more so to a young person with Aspergers. Someone else posted, "why have rules if they're not going to enforce them and it's kinda true as well. Society has a lot of rules even difficult for us freak NTs to understand. I've never been diagnosed but, have wondered at times if I would have been a kid now instead of the 70s/80s if I would have been because, thinks like this grocery scenario urk me to no end as well. It's only minir things but, it sets an example for the bigger rule breaking issues.



Ilovemyaspiegirl
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15 Jan 2014, 9:53 am

Woodfish wrote:
at the time my sister felt this was just outrageous of me :-) .. in sweden (where i am from) you have to have the car's lights turned on all the time, day and night. i had recently got my licence .. and saw a police car (! !!) approaching (this happened in bright daylight) .. (tip to younger woodfish: maybe the police knows the rules? maybe you need not remind THEM!?) ..

well, i flashed my headlights at the police car as we passed in the street .. and OF COURSE they waved me in about one minute later .. and i said extremely naively that it looked to me like they didn't have their lights properly turned on .. lolol .. they patiently yet slightly condescendingly explained to me that they were in fact following the rules .. their smaller lights at the corners were turned on and that that was enough!


Oh my yes this is quite a funny story. Not having Autism myself, I often have to just giggle a bit (not so as to make her think I'm laughing AT her of course) at my 7 yr old Aspie girls comments and bluntness. She seems to not be nearly as intimidated by things like the police as her NT minim and will tell anyone what she thinks. I think this is both good and scarey. So I encourage her but, use social stories to help her understand the right time and place.



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15 Jan 2014, 10:18 am

I don't know if the Dali Lama said this or not but the quote is

Quote:
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.



TallyMan
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15 Jan 2014, 11:21 am

Ilovemyaspiegirl wrote:
TallyMan wrote:
The thing many people on the spectrum have difficulty with is black and white thinking. Sometimes you need to think in shades of grey too regarding rules. So for example with supermarket checkouts marked "ten items or less"; think about the reason for that rule. The rule exists to help people with only a few items to speed through the checkout without having to queue in line behind someone with a hundred items.

However, the shades of grey come in when the supermarket isn't very busy. If the checkout for 10 or less items is standing idle and I have say 14 items, I will politely ask the cashier "may I?" and the response in invariably yes (because she's sitting twiddling her thumbs with nothing to do). So technically I've broken the rule and so has she. What is not acceptable is for someone with 50 items to just dump their groceries on the 10 or fewer items conveyor without permission.


That was put rather nicely. I guess it's like saying it's okay to break certain rules at certain times under certain situations to a certain degree. This "grey area thinking" can be quite confusing to someone with Aspergers and more so to a young person with Aspergers. Someone else posted, "why have rules if they're not going to enforce them and it's kinda true as well. Society has a lot of rules even difficult for us freak NTs to understand. I've never been diagnosed but, have wondered at times if I would have been a kid now instead of the 70s/80s if I would have been because, thinks like this grocery scenario urk me to no end as well. It's only minir things but, it sets an example for the bigger rule breaking issues.


Another situation where people generally accept it is OK for rules to be broken: Most countries have speed limits. This is to minimise the number and severity or road traffic accidents so fewer people are injured or killed on the roads. However, some emergency services are allowed to drive faster than the speed limits. If a fire engine is going to a fire, getting there quicker may save more lives. Similarly an ambulance taking a severely injured person to hospital breaks the speed limits. In these cases, driving faster than the speed limit will have an overall effect of saving more lives. In addition, drivers of emergency vehicles often have extra training to be able to drive more safely while going fast.


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15 Jan 2014, 11:29 am

am exactly the same and dont understand nor like it when people break rules like the examples in the original post.
am very against people who park their cars in disabled bays without a blue badge and will give them a good stare if see anyone doing this, the pyschologist of mine who will sometimes go to the cofffee shop with is also exactly the same and he will go and question them when we come across these on our trips out,we both think he is already autistic without bringing his need for rules brought in. :lol:



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15 Jan 2014, 11:40 am

EzraS wrote:
Meistersinger wrote:

How busy were the rest of the checkouts? If they're standing 3 or more customers deep with all lines open and filled with customers, I'd keep my mouth shut, unless you want it slapped shut, as pointing out rules in that situation is considered extremely rude.

And before you jump my arse, that is exactly what my parents did to me when I was your age, screaming if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all, as they slapped my face.


Meh since when did psychically abusing someone solve anything?
Especially psychically abusing someone who is developmentally disabled?
Im not sure what you are trying to endorse here.


Take note of my age. Developmental disabilities did not exist while I was growing up. Besides, the mantra in my neck of the woods was spare the rod and spoil the child, disability or no.



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15 Jan 2014, 1:33 pm

TallyMan wrote:
Ilovemyaspiegirl wrote:
TallyMan wrote:
The thing many people on the spectrum have difficulty with is black and white thinking. Sometimes you need to think in shades of grey too regarding rules. So for example with supermarket checkouts marked "ten items or less"; think about the reason for that rule. The rule exists to help people with only a few items to speed through the checkout without having to queue in line behind someone with a hundred items.

However, the shades of grey come in when the supermarket isn't very busy. If the checkout for 10 or less items is standing idle and I have say 14 items, I will politely ask the cashier "may I?" and the response in invariably yes (because she's sitting twiddling her thumbs with nothing to do). So technically I've broken the rule and so has she. What is not acceptable is for someone with 50 items to just dump their groceries on the 10 or fewer items conveyor without permission.


That was put rather nicely. I guess it's like saying it's okay to break certain rules at certain times under certain situations to a certain degree. This "grey area thinking" can be quite confusing to someone with Aspergers and more so to a young person with Aspergers. Someone else posted, "why have rules if they're not going to enforce them and it's kinda true as well. Society has a lot of rules even difficult for us freak NTs to understand. I've never been diagnosed but, have wondered at times if I would have been a kid now instead of the 70s/80s if I would have been because, thinks like this grocery scenario urk me to no end as well. It's only minir things but, it sets an example for the bigger rule breaking issues.


Another situation where people generally accept it is OK for rules to be broken: Most countries have speed limits. This is to minimise the number and severity or road traffic accidents so fewer people are injured or killed on the roads. However, some emergency services are allowed to drive faster than the speed limits. If a fire engine is going to a fire, getting there quicker may save more lives. Similarly an ambulance taking a severely injured person to hospital breaks the speed limits. In these cases, driving faster than the speed limit will have an overall effect of saving more lives. In addition, drivers of emergency vehicles often have extra training to be able to drive more safely while going fast.



Also don't forget about going with the flow of traffic. You can get pulled over for going the speed limit. But yet you can get pulled over for going with the flow of traffic. Which is it? I think it depends on the area or maybe the police are desperate for handing out a ticket (since they have to give out a certain amount every month) and they happened to go after you. Maybe that is what happened with me perhaps. But I will never know. I should have pleaded not guilty.


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