It's very hard trying to live a normal life when people..

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hale_bopp
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18 Jan 2014, 1:02 am

don't want you in theirs.

The majority of stuff about my life is normal - I work 40 hours a week, I have my hobbies, I talk to people at work. But Nothing ever happens. I try to be as pleasant as possible, but no-one seems to want to be friends.

I see people who joined the company after me join groups of people and become all cliquey.

The people seem pleasant enough chatting at work, but they never ask you to hang out with them in the weekend. They do to each other. They talk on each others facebook but never mine.

It's one of the few things in my life that's simply never stopped hurting. I don't care if I'm single for the rest of my life, but all I want is people to want to be friends. This leaves you in a place of crippling lonliness that nothing can fill the space off.

I just want to be accepted. Even if it's within a small group of interesting people I work with. I am not interested in be-friending random single males because they have some sort of stupid fantasy about getting sex of or a girlfriend. That's all I seem to attact. Why can't I just attract people who like me for who I am, and are not ashamed for people to know about it?

I have asked people from there to hang out before and they never do.

I don't know what to do anymore. Why is it so hard?



kazma
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18 Jan 2014, 1:17 am

"normal people" seem to pick up the fact that we are not like them even when we try very hard to fit in but most just don't like that difference as we tend to mess with the Social dynamics of their group



hale_bopp
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18 Jan 2014, 1:22 am

I'm on the verge of a meltdown because of this.

In one ear I have people yelling at me "Stop using aspergers as an excuse to be depressed" when they have no f*****g idea.

I'm sick of the injustice people with this condition have to suffer and in silence! I don't see what else it can be. I'm like them in every other way! I don't sit by myself or not talk to them. Jesus.



redrobin62
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18 Jan 2014, 1:36 am

I know a few of us on the spectrum are married with children, but still I wonder, is the majority doomed to a life of loneliness? I've been watching acquaintances of mine getting married or having kids left and right, leaving me out of the "grown up" game. I feel like a societal reject. No wonder the level of my depression hasn't abated.



kazma
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18 Jan 2014, 1:39 am

i know i hate it too when people say things like "don't use aspergers as an excuse" when they don't have it or even know what it feels like to have it



hale_bopp
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18 Jan 2014, 1:46 am

kazma wrote:
i know i hate it too when people say things like "don't use aspergers as an excuse" when they don't have it or even know what it feels like to have it


Its more the fact people seem to think trying to make others aware that it is an issue is somehow "an excuse". I'm not a violent person but some people I want to give a good hard smack to the face.

They are sitting there with problems they have which I can respect, surrounded by friends or people who at least want to do stuff with them telling me that I'm not allowed to be upset by it.

There is one person in particular I will never ever forgive.



kazma
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18 Jan 2014, 1:58 am

yes i totally agree they seem blind to the issues we have to deal with even after they've been told about them its like they don't even care



banana247
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18 Jan 2014, 3:45 am

I honestly feel your pain. It is the most baffling thing to me. Even on the few instances that I've grown close to people and they've taken the time to understands and shown interest, they always always drift away. I guess they just get sick of me or think its fun to make fake promises. Who knows. I often question whether or not I just imagined the friendships because it makes absolutely no sense that they just go away the way that they do.

Sometimes I wish there was an island or something that people that feel this way could go and live on and all understand each other. Its's distantly comforting to know that I really am not alone in feeling what you described, but also heavily depressing because like you, i can't find a way out of it.



binaryodes
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18 Jan 2014, 4:49 am

Your story is my story is the story of eveyrone here so take comfort. Misery loves company and WP is positively a round table of social dejection/rejection.

Wherever I go I always "turn people off me". Ive recently become ALOT more self aware and so I can identify that not brushing teeth > poorer eye contact (im self conscious about breath). Moreover not attenting lectures makes me an outsider. Though I can intellectually pick it apart I always end up doing so AFTER the fact. Moreover there are things that im still not aware of that I know will become apparent in time.


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18 Jan 2014, 5:25 am

hale_bopp wrote:
don't want you in theirs.

The majority of stuff about my life is normal - I work 40 hours a week, I have my hobbies, I talk to people at work. But Nothing ever happens. I try to be as pleasant as possible, but no-one seems to want to be friends.

I see people who joined the company after me join groups of people and become all cliquey.

The people seem pleasant enough chatting at work, but they never ask you to hang out with them in the weekend. They do to each other. They talk on each others facebook but never mine.

It's one of the few things in my life that's simply never stopped hurting. I don't care if I'm single for the rest of my life, but all I want is people to want to be friends. This leaves you in a place of crippling lonliness that nothing can fill the space off.

I just want to be accepted. Even if it's within a small group of interesting people I work with. I am not interested in be-friending random single males because they have some sort of stupid fantasy about getting sex of or a girlfriend. That's all I seem to attact. Why can't I just attract people who like me for who I am, and are not ashamed for people to know about it?

I have asked people from there to hang out before and they never do.

I don't know what to do anymore. Why is it so hard?


This is my situation in a nutshell (hugs hale_bopp)


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Waterfalls
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18 Jan 2014, 7:55 am

Yes, it is strange and makes me very sad to hear this from people, usually indirectly because I try to avoid the situation, but otherwise directly. These same people could choose to invite me to do something, or accept my invitation, if it is so easy, and occasionally that happens, just not usually.



Persevero
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18 Jan 2014, 8:16 am

I can relate so much it isn't funny. Hang in there Hale.

Just keep being polite, turning bitter never does any good. I'm at the point where I just have to accept that even though I can get along well with people, I can't make/retain friends. At least I have a girlfriend now that truly cares about me.



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18 Jan 2014, 8:24 am

hale_bopp wrote:
kazma wrote:
i know i hate it too when people say things like "don't use aspergers as an excuse" when they don't have it or even know what it feels like to have it


Its more the fact people seem to think trying to make others aware that it is an issue is somehow "an excuse". I'm not a violent person but some people I want to give a good hard smack to the face.

They are sitting there with problems they have which I can respect, surrounded by friends or people who at least want to do stuff with them telling me that I'm not allowed to be upset by it.

There is one person in particular I will never ever forgive.


This is why people don't befriend you - you won't put up with abuse, you won't be told what to think what to feel and what to do. There is a trade off to being friends and being accepted socially and it is the giving up of some of your individuality and enduring a lot of discomfort (but it's worth it just to be near others). Because people on the spectrum do not see the value of just being near others without getting anything of quality in return, they obviously cannot justify compromising their own values just to be constantly in a situation of no value to them. This is essentially what happens with 'cliques' and just any grouping of humans. It took me a long time to understand this and I did everything to try and fit in. And I did manage to fit in and even sometimes be the most popular person in the group. And I was still completely lonely because people just don't have the capacity to give me what I want/need. So I gave up and am much happier now. I have an odd friend I see occasionally and it keeps me going.



jerry00
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18 Jan 2014, 9:05 am

hale_bopp wrote:
don't want you in theirs.

The majority of stuff about my life is normal - I work 40 hours a week, I have my hobbies, I talk to people at work. But Nothing ever happens. I try to be as pleasant as possible, but no-one seems to want to be friends.

I see people who joined the company after me join groups of people and become all cliquey.

The people seem pleasant enough chatting at work, but they never ask you to hang out with them in the weekend. They do to each other. They talk on each others facebook but never mine.

It's one of the few things in my life that's simply never stopped hurting. I don't care if I'm single for the rest of my life, but all I want is people to want to be friends. This leaves you in a place of crippling lonliness that nothing can fill the space off.


This is exactly my problem, in fact, I'm sure I've posted words to that effect on this forum before.

I am making progress it's just so painfully slow. When I talk to people there's always the odd interaction that goes wrong and becomes a bit awkward, and I end up being hard on myself.

Then there's the people I talk to who always seem to be talking cross purposes with me. It's obvious they're not understanding my point of view however I try and phrase it, so I just have to give up before I start an argument.

I know they don't understand aspergers and aren't going to do anything to make my life easier, but damn it would be nice to have some help.



Last edited by jerry00 on 18 Jan 2014, 9:16 am, edited 2 times in total.

namaste
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18 Jan 2014, 9:10 am

This is exactly what is happening with me....

I work 36 hours a week but i am tongue tied at my workplace im unable to make friends..
but the problem lies there with the type of colleagues.

Majority of them are young unmarried girls who are in their 20's whereas im middle aged with a kid
i dont fit in and stand out totally

So i dont expect to be able to be on same wavelength with them nothing common with them anyways
with respect to having friends in colony i had one friend but she shifted to other area and we lost contact

about relatives well all of them on mmy side are recluse and depressed they dont socialise

guys oh there are bunches of guys calling me up and asking me for date
from my psychiatrist to the guys in my depression support group
all just desperate

i keep a distance.....as im too scared of emotional attachment
i get attached easily....


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