attention seeking and needy: e-dating death sentance

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buffinator
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18 Jan 2014, 7:47 pm

These are seen as negative attributes but I'm not entirely sure why.

These negative attributes are often attributed (specifically in online dating) to activities like sending multiple messages, inquiring why a message was not responded to etc.

I don't fully understand what triggers this classification or why it is so fatal to interest.

I've seen some profiles where these descriptors were specifically used to describe unwanted communication. Conversely I feel like having too much time between communications is just as fatal and I don't understand the balancing act at all.

Specifically, I had an individual whom I had a wonderful date with and I was feeling really good about and it seemed like there was mutual attraction and interest. After the date we messaged back and forth basically once a day which I thought was fine but then one day I got no reply. I waited a few days and sent another message changing the subject and got no reply again. so I stopped messaging and assumed something had changed when I hadn't noticed. About a week later I got a reply that I felt was terse or conveyed annoyance and I was simultaneously relieved and worried. I was relieved because it meant she was thinking about me and I was worried because I felt possibly I had done something wrong. I asked her out again rather than continue the conversation that had not been keeping her interest. I still haven't heard back and I had asked her out for this weekend. How is this even supposed to work? How do I convey interest in text form especially when I am not permitted to send long or multiple messages? In the past I have been a chronic accidental friendzoner and I have no idea if that is what is happening or not in this case. I don't want to have to pay 40K dollars to dorm again just so I can meet girls in a way that gives me plenty of face time. WTF how does dating outside of dorming even f*****g work?


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KingofKaboom
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18 Jan 2014, 7:55 pm

No need to ask why a message was ignored. They didn't want to reply because they weren't interested.


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Hooraydiation
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18 Jan 2014, 8:06 pm

KingofKaboom wrote:
No need to ask why a message was ignored. They didn't want to reply because they weren't interested.


This is kind of blunt, but yeah more often than not that'll be the case.

Still, wishful thinking makes you forget sometimes.



buffinator
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18 Jan 2014, 8:37 pm

yeah, the second half would have been better done as a haven post. But I am specifically interested in which behaviors are appropriate and which are not.


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KingofKaboom
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18 Jan 2014, 8:43 pm

Dating outside of dorming works by going to clubs and meetups such as on meetup.com and finding people making friends and yes meeting women with similar interests.


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TheGoggles
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18 Jan 2014, 10:28 pm

"inquiring why a message was not responded to etc. "

Nah, don't do this. And don't take no-response scenarios personally. Women get a bajillion messages a day, and they can't realistically be expected to have a conversation with each and every person. I get annoyed having to keep up a conversation with ONE person, frankly.



buffinator
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18 Jan 2014, 10:44 pm

TheGoggles wrote:
"inquiring why a message was not responded to etc. "

Nah, don't do this. And don't take no-response scenarios personally. Women get a bajillion messages a day, and they can't realistically be expected to have a conversation with each and every person. I get annoyed having to keep up a conversation with ONE person, frankly.


I know... but that just means she had to sort through 5 days of messages to find my thread to respond to me last Saturday.


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warsend
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18 Jan 2014, 10:49 pm

buffinator wrote:
These are seen as negative attributes but I'm not entirely sure why.

These negative attributes are often attributed (specifically in online dating) to activities like sending multiple messages, inquiring why a message was not responded to etc.

I don't fully understand what triggers this classification or why it is so fatal to interest.

I've seen some profiles where these descriptors were specifically used to describe unwanted communication. Conversely I feel like having too much time between communications is just as fatal and I don't understand the balancing act at all.

Specifically, I had an individual whom I had a wonderful date with and I was feeling really good about and it seemed like there was mutual attraction and interest. After the date we messaged back and forth basically once a day which I thought was fine but then one day I got no reply. I waited a few days and sent another message changing the subject and got no reply again. so I stopped messaging and assumed something had changed when I hadn't noticed. About a week later I got a reply that I felt was terse or conveyed annoyance and I was simultaneously relieved and worried. I was relieved because it meant she was thinking about me and I was worried because I felt possibly I had done something wrong. I asked her out again rather than continue the conversation that had not been keeping her interest. I still haven't heard back and I had asked her out for this weekend. How is this even supposed to work? How do I convey interest in text form especially when I am not permitted to send long or multiple messages? In the past I have been a chronic accidental friendzoner and I have no idea if that is what is happening or not in this case. I don't want to have to pay 40K dollars to dorm again just so I can meet girls in a way that gives me plenty of face time. WTF how does dating outside of dorming even f***ing work?


looks like she is brushing you off. If you felt she was annoyed she might be, it's way harder to tell how someone is over dating sites or texting.

You asked her out for this weekend and she hasn't responded. My rule is 2 messages, if she doesn't respond to the 2nd one I don't message her and feel she's not interested, anymore than that is gonna make you look like a creep.

I have a question that I've been debating with another forum that is pretty much the opposite of this question that might help your question. If someone responds to your message, should you assume they are interested or does it depend on the response you get? This has probably been discussed before but it might help you.



buffinator
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18 Jan 2014, 10:51 pm

warsend wrote:
buffinator wrote:
These are seen as negative attributes but I'm not entirely sure why.

These negative attributes are often attributed (specifically in online dating) to activities like sending multiple messages, inquiring why a message was not responded to etc.

I don't fully understand what triggers this classification or why it is so fatal to interest.

I've seen some profiles where these descriptors were specifically used to describe unwanted communication. Conversely I feel like having too much time between communications is just as fatal and I don't understand the balancing act at all.

Specifically, I had an individual whom I had a wonderful date with and I was feeling really good about and it seemed like there was mutual attraction and interest. After the date we messaged back and forth basically once a day which I thought was fine but then one day I got no reply. I waited a few days and sent another message changing the subject and got no reply again. so I stopped messaging and assumed something had changed when I hadn't noticed. About a week later I got a reply that I felt was terse or conveyed annoyance and I was simultaneously relieved and worried. I was relieved because it meant she was thinking about me and I was worried because I felt possibly I had done something wrong. I asked her out again rather than continue the conversation that had not been keeping her interest. I still haven't heard back and I had asked her out for this weekend. How is this even supposed to work? How do I convey interest in text form especially when I am not permitted to send long or multiple messages? In the past I have been a chronic accidental friendzoner and I have no idea if that is what is happening or not in this case. I don't want to have to pay 40K dollars to dorm again just so I can meet girls in a way that gives me plenty of face time. WTF how does dating outside of dorming even f***ing work?


looks like she is brushing you off. If you felt she was annoyed she might be, it's way harder to tell how someone is over dating sites or texting.

You asked her out for this weekend and she hasn't responded. My rule is 2 messages, if she doesn't respond to the 2nd one I don't message her and feel she's not interested, anymore than that is gonna make you look like a creep.

I have a question that I've been debating with another forum that is pretty much the opposite of this question that might help your question. If someone responds to your message, should you assume they are interested or does it depend on the response you get? This has probably been discussed before but it might help you.


It depends on their intent. Some people use the site to socialize and don't want face time ( or at least not from me) but others are seriously looking to date and if they message they are interested.


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nick007
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19 Jan 2014, 2:49 am

I think sending multiple messages & wanting to know why there was no response is thought of as being demanding & not taking hints rather than being needy. I am needy which is generally seen as a very negative attribute but I'm not needy like that; I would just keep talking 1ce we started & wouldn't shut up about them till they took a break & then I'd wait around worrying till I heard from them & then ask abunch of questions.


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Eureka13
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19 Jan 2014, 9:49 am

I've always worried about appearing overly needy, so my rule of thumb is two unanswered messages (snail mail/phone/text/IM/email/whatever format). If we had been getting along really well, I might wait a few days or a week and send another, maybe something neutral like a joke. But if I didn't hear back after that, I would send no more and write that person off.

I think women are more typically tarred with the "needy" brush, so this is something I've tried to be really careful about in my adult life. When men do it to me, I've called it "pushy," or "controlling," but I think "needy" could probably apply to them, too.



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19 Jan 2014, 1:06 pm

NTs want to feel that they are the only person in your life. If you do not have the time to give them that, they will not feel that you are invested in the endeavor, and will flee...

They are instinctive in their understanding of the world... and if you are looking to service needs within your time frame and free time... they will feel it... and will not be into it... NTs drop everything for someone they are interested interested and will interpret a lack of that on your part as a lack of interest, or worse yet, caring.


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warsend
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19 Jan 2014, 7:43 pm

i will add that the only circumstance to not do the 2 message thing is if you ask to meet up with them. I asked that one girl out today and no response (yet) :(. But replying after that is creepy, got to give her time.



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20 Jan 2014, 3:52 am

Needy is a word that varies from person to person. I've talked to people who want me texting them 10 hours a day and others that only want to talk every other day. The latter thinks I'm needy if I should text her for more than 10 minutes a day, the former thinks I ignore her if I put the phone down to take a shower. Everyone's different in this regard, it's about communication and figuring out what works and trusting each other to be okay with how much you talk.

Having said that, for newer couples/new friends - if they don't respond to a message, there's only one reason for it: they didn't want to talk to you.


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