NT things/Social rules you find stupid or rude?

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League_Girl
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19 Mar 2014, 3:21 pm

daydreamer84 wrote:
Offering things to others "just to be polite" and really meaning for them to figure out they're "just being polite" and refuse the offer.


Some people just offer you things or do you favors as a test to see if you will turn it down so they will know what kind of person you are. If you turn it down, it means you don't rely on others nor take advantage, if you accept the offer they give you, it means you take advantage of people and rely on others.

Also I see nothing to offer just to be polite. What is wrong with that? If they are doing it for a test I already described above which I call a game, then I hate that.

Also what I hate is when someone says you don't have to do something and they expect the opposite from you meaning they do want you to do it. I don't get it. Is this also a game they play? Is this also a test they do to see how thoughtful you are and how nice? Sometimes I wonder if this is what my ex boyfriend was doing when he told me "You don't have to take me with" and got pissed when I went without him and claimed we made a deal. I made no deal. I was just talking and speaking my thoughts out loud to him and made it clear I was unsure. Did he listen? No. He had selective listening is what. He also knew I was literal and he didn't care so he kept talking the way he did and expecting me to get his sarcasm and jokes and double meanings and then would get upset when I would take it seriously. So the reason why I am critical about the words "be yourself" and "be true to yourself."


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AnonymousAnonymous
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19 Mar 2014, 3:22 pm

Men have to act masculine at all times, which to me is stupid beyond belief!


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daydreamer84
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19 Mar 2014, 3:40 pm

League_Girl wrote:
daydreamer84 wrote:
Offering things to others "just to be polite" and really meaning for them to figure out they're "just being polite" and refuse the offer.


Some people just offer you things or do you favors as a test to see if you will turn it down so they will know what kind of person you are. If you turn it down, it means you don't rely on others nor take advantage, if you accept the offer they give you, it means you take advantage of people and rely on others.

Also I see nothing to offer just to be polite. What is wrong with that? If they are doing it for a test I already described above which I call a game, then I hate that.


Yeah, I meant when they expect you to refuse the offer and get mad at you if you don't. My aunt will do this sometimes and my mum will tell me later that she was just being polite and really she didn't want me to take it. I guess it is a kind of social game.

League_Girl wrote:
Also what I hate is when someone says you don't have to do something and they expect the opposite from you meaning they do want you to do it. I don't get it. Is this also a game they play? Is this also a test they do to see how thoughtful you are and how nice? Sometimes I wonder if this is what my ex boyfriend was doing when he told me "You don't have to take me with" and got pissed when I went without him and claimed we made a deal. I made no deal. I was just talking and speaking my thoughts out loud to him and made it clear I was unsure. Did he listen? No. He had selective listening is what. He also knew I was literal and he didn't care so he kept talking the way he did and expecting me to get his sarcasm and jokes and double meanings and then would get upset when I would take it seriously. So the reason why I am critical about the words "be yourself" and "be true to yourself."


I'm not sure if that's a game. It does have to do with taking things too literally. People in my family will do this too. They might say "you don't have to help, only if you want " or "you don't have to come along" or they'll just ask "do you want to do X?" and then laugh if I say "okay ,then I'd rather stay home". :lol: My mum will say I don't have to be "that honest" or "so literal" and if it's asking for help she'll just say "that means I want you to help". It's really unfair of your husband to get mad at you for taking those things literally though if he always knew that you had that tendency, IMO.

The problem I have with these expressions is that sometimes they are meant to be taken literally and sometimes they aren't and I don't know when they are. Sometimes people really are asking if you want to go somewhere and sometimes they just expect you to to come and to know that they expect it. If someone says "it's raining cats and dogs" or 'what's up?" then I know they aren't being literal.



dianthus
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19 Mar 2014, 3:56 pm

After something bad happens, the way people won't talk about it anymore. They will just allude to it indirectly by saying something like "what happened before."

daydreamer84 wrote:
Offering things to others "just to be polite" and really meaning for them to figure out they're "just being polite" and refuse the offer.


Or there's a twist on this one, the way I was brought up (rural Southern US) when someone offers something you are supposed to turn them down the first time just to be polite. Then if they offer again and you can accept on the second offer.

League_Girl wrote:
Also what I hate is when someone says you don't have to do something and they expect the opposite from you meaning they do want you to do it. I don't get it. Is this also a game they play? Is this also a test they do to see how thoughtful you are and how nice?


I hate that one too. And when I say to someone, you don't have to, I REALLY MEAN IT that they don't have to. But they take it like I mean the opposite, like I do expect it. Then they act like I somehow talked them into it.

Sometimes what I have really wanted to say to a person was "I don't WANT you to..." but I knew that would offend them. So instead I would try to hint at it by saying, "You don't have to..." and of course they took it the opposite way like I was saying I wanted them to. Then I am stuck with the person AND they act like I somehow forced them into it. This is so maddening it makes me want to bang my head against the wall.



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19 Mar 2014, 4:25 pm

dianthus wrote:
daydreamer84 wrote:
Offering things to others "just to be polite" and really meaning for them to figure out they're "just being polite" and refuse the offer.


Or there's a twist on this one, the way I was brought up (rural Southern US) when someone offers something you are supposed to turn them down the first time just to be polite. Then if they offer again and you can accept on the second offer.

.


There are probably lots and lots of twists on it that are culture and subculture specific. You go to X and it's incredibly rude to take what is offered. You go to Y and it's incredibly rude to not take what is offered. Or you can take what is offered but only if they insist (your variant) or you can take just the tiniest little bit but then must turn down additional offers of more etc. etc. etc. etc.

I am done trying to parse the codes of offers. These days I'll take something if I want it and won't if I don't and never mind if it's rude or not. There is just so much variation that I am done.



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19 Mar 2014, 4:41 pm

Niall wrote:
The lies really bother me - the little social lies that make their world go around, the "white lies" they persist in telling, the lies or untruths that can easily be shown to be untruths - climate-change deniers I mean you, but anyone who believes in modern economics and so on! The lies they tell to palm a problem off on someone else.

I wish they would stop lying.

I also wish that they wouldn't go on about their wonderful empathy. If they were so empathic the world would be a much nicer place, because they would actually understand when someone is being hurt, feel it themselves, and stop doing so many of the things they do. No more bullying, no more discrimination, no more poverty, no more wars. Many of them really need to face this. I genuinely think impairment of affective empathy is more common than they like to admit.


^^this is what hurts me the most about the way the world is, generally speaking--but i don't think it's an aspie/NT thing, i think it's a human thing. :shrug:



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19 Mar 2014, 6:21 pm

I get it already! ALL NTs are ignorant, stupid morons, WE'RE the perfect, special, ones. :roll: I'm so sick of hearing that all the time. And I'm sick of being upset by what people say on this site, because then I dwell on it for weeks or even months, and feeling guilty for trivial things like buying a stuffed animal at Build-a-Bear because the company supports Autism Speaks. I've had ENOUGH. That's it. No more. GOODBYE WP. :x



daydreamer84
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19 Mar 2014, 6:30 pm

^
I didn't see this as a autism supremacy thread or anything, I was just thinking of a social rule in everyday life, normal society, that I hated. I didn't mean any hatred or disrespect toward NTs. Also, there are people here who support autism speaks and people who are undecided about it. I'm undecided, I don't really know enough about it.



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22 Mar 2014, 1:58 pm

Another one I thought of, I don't know if it's really a "rule" or just something a lot of people do. When a person just INSISTS that you must try something. And they really believe with total conviction that if they enjoy it that you will absolutely love it too. And if you finally DO try it just to shut them up, and don't like it, they are crestfallen and almost offended that you don't like the same thing they do.

A similar one is when a person says "trust me this is a good idea" and despite my having dozens of very good reasons not to go along with it, even to the extent that it could possibly ruin my life, they insist and act really offended and hurt if I don't agree.

Another one is if I tell someone I made a decision about something, all of a sudden they start telling me why I should do that as if they didn't hear me say that I already made a decision to do it. It's like they need to feel like they are the one who told me to do it.



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22 Mar 2014, 2:01 pm

What annoys me the most is that you've only got to wear things what a large amount of people are seen wearing, otherwise it ''looks stupid''. Never mind that some of the things what are in fashion look so ridiculous and would have ''looked stupid'' a year ago. :roll:


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22 Mar 2014, 7:17 pm

ezbzbfcg2 wrote:
Voider wrote:
The most contradictive phrase "no offense" is pointless, since every time it is used, you know they are insulting you on the spot.


Not necessarily. You see, in the NT world, certain topics are off limits for discussion, and if brought up, the person being addressed will immediately take offense (after all, the NT knows that it's a social no-no to talk about X, so "obviously" it must be an attack.)

"No offense," "With all due respect," etc. are ways of prefacing something that needs to be said without flat-out saying it. Flat-out saying it would undoubtedly be seen as offensive between NTs.

To an aspiring NT artist for example:

"I don't like your drawing, so it's not going into our magazine" = Your drawing sucks.

"No offense, but I don't think your artwork is what were looking for" = I'm not attacking you, I'm gently telling you it's no good.

While those sentences may seem the same to you, remember, you're not NT. Your directness, bluntness, and unapologetic honesty have probably gotten you in trouble with NTs before. NTs don't think and comprehend the world the same way we do, so it's good to at least observe the nature of how they operate (as nutty as their behavior may seem).

What would be wrong with:

"I'm sorry, but I don't think your artwork is what we're looking for"?

Is that still an attack? It sounds much nicer and gentler to me than the version with the cringe-worthy "no offence".



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23 Mar 2014, 12:21 am

Joe90 wrote:
What annoys me the most is that you've only got to wear things what a large amount of people are seen wearing, otherwise it ''looks stupid''. Never mind that some of the things what are in fashion look so ridiculous and would have ''looked stupid'' a year ago. :roll:


I think a lot of the clothes I see NTs wearing look stupid. Especially those god-damn sticker caps. Blech.



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24 Mar 2014, 12:07 am

I think I posted this a year ago but I'll repeat it here. NT social banter/rules amount the same thing as chimpanzees grooming each other.

They are just simply "rules of engagement" in order to smooth over any important interaction that pair of people may have in future. They essentially increase the bonds between humans in order to maintain cooperation.



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24 Mar 2014, 11:20 am

ezbzbfcg2 wrote:
To an aspiring NT artist for example:

"I don't like your drawing, so it's not going into our magazine" = Your drawing sucks.

"No offense, but I don't think your artwork is what were looking for" = I'm not attacking you, I'm gently telling you it's no good.

While those sentences may seem the same to you, remember, you're not NT.

Actually I don't think they seem the same at all, but my reaction would have been different. I'm not an artist but I have tried to have a story published, without success.


"I don't like your story, so it's not going into our magazine"
I wouldn't hear "Your story sucks" if I was told that. Regardless of whether or not the person was giving their actual opinion, it would only be one person's opinion and based on the books that get published a lot of their choices and tastes don't impress me. What I would hear is: "I'm an arrogant ******* who will treat you like crap"
That would actually make statement 1 easier to bear in some ways than statement 2, because the person who said it was saying it unkindly. They show that they're not a great person in making that statement, and that puts it on them more than me.

Anger is easier to deal with for me than sadness.

"No offense, but I don't think your story is what were looking for" = I'm not attacking you, I'm gently telling you it's no good.
For the very reason that they're not being an a-hole about it, this is harder to take. They're not trying to get to me, but my story still sucks in their opinion, and that is harder to take from someone who actually don't wanna crush me.

dianthus wrote:
And I have heard that some people are embarrassed to buy large packages of toilet paper? is that an NT thing??? I don't see why anyone would be embarrassed. We all have to piss and sh** sometime and everyone knows it, it's not like it's a big secret.

It's not an NT thing. I'm embarrassed to buy toilet paper period. And pads. Yeah we all do that, but gad it's embarrassing. The less said the better.

opal wrote:
I once heard a guy speak about this weird quirk of psychology, wherin a smoker will only buy one pack of fags at a time. Weird! I mean he's going to need another pack tomorrow, or the next day, but instead of buying 3 packs, or a carton, and getting a discount; he buys a pack a day - everyday. The speaker thought it might be part of trying to convince himself he wasn't addicted.

Really? Both my parents smoke and none of them tend to buy their smokes one by one. My mother can buy quite a few packs in one go.


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24 Mar 2014, 11:46 am

Here is a social rule I actually find rude:
Say A and B are in a room. C enters and wants a private word with B. Now both B and C expect A to leave.
I find that rude. A was there first (at least earlier than C) and B and C are the ones who need the privacy, so if anyone should leave it should be them.



Hades_Tourist wrote:
4) NT Facebook An amazing wall of astonishing amount of narcissism, self and public deception and constant bitching and rumours about people they label as friends. Plus 400+ friends? And yet you talk face to face with only 3. Really that is only 3 friends and 400+ acquaintances.

Actually I've never met most of my FB "friends" at all. They're mostly fellow turtle lovers I've come in touch with on FB. They're not my friends, but I don't think anyone think FB friends (necessarily) mean friends. They're allies or fellow partisans in the turtle cause.
In the past some were online friends. You can be friend with someone without ever meeting them face to face. In fact all my friends have been online only.
I know FB is supposed to help you keep in touch with people from RL, but some of us use it differently.


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