Page 1 of 1 [ 15 posts ] 

1814
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 31 Jan 2012
Age: 28
Gender: Male
Posts: 113

22 Jan 2014, 5:14 am

I said something that probably was very inappropriate today.

We had two hours of PE, doing crossfit in pairs. I was paired with a girl, and she pushed me so hard that I had to go to the toilet and puke after the session. When we returned to the classroom, I told her, and she laughed and joked with me about it.

I then went over to some of her friends that I also know quite well. They were eating their lunch, and I told them that "don't ever let *name* be your training partner, you're gonna puke".

They got quite mad at me because they felt it was gross, particularly because they were eating. I tried to save myself by saying "oh, i'm so sorry, i didn't see you were eating". (Worst excuse ever, hahah)

What can I do to avoid situations like this?



redrobin62
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Apr 2012
Age: 58
Gender: Male
Posts: 13,009
Location: Seattle, WA

22 Jan 2014, 6:00 am

Sometimes I wonder if aspies who are known to making verbal faux pas ever move beyond it. I've been doing it for year, I'm old, and you'd think I'd have this problem licked. Nope. You can almost guarantee that, somewhere along the way, I'll say the wrong things. I've lost friendships that way. It sucks. I wouldn't wish this condition on a dog, but there it is. Maybe some have learned to improve the way they say things. I sure haven't.



ZombieBrideXD
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jan 2013
Age: 22
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,507
Location: Canada

22 Jan 2014, 6:05 am

yeah ive been there, talking about bodily functions at the table, mentioning death at a funeral.

the worst thing i ever said: i was attending my great Grandfathers funeral, and out family funerals tend to be full of laughs and food and people feel happy to be grieving together around family members. well i was sitting with cousins and then, suddenly, the entire room got very quiet, seeing the perfect opportunity, is said "whoa, who died?" (because 'who died' is a funny thing you say when a room gets quiet or grim) and everyone got really angry at me, i dont see why it was SO funny!!


_________________
Obsessing over Sonic the Hedgehog since 2009
Diagnosed with Aspergers' syndrome in 2012.
Diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder Level 1 severity without intellectual disability and without language impairment in 2015.

DA: http://mephilesdark123.deviantart.com

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 170 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 43 of 200
You are very likely neurodiverse (Aspie)


Waterfalls
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jun 2013
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,075

22 Jan 2014, 6:49 am

I'm good at analyzing afterwards, but not at getting things right in the first place. So, my guess here is that, as her friends, they wanted to defend her against perceived unfair criticism because in their minds you and she share responsibility for you puking because you went along with her pressure to do too much and then got angry after about something they don't feel you were helpless to deal with if you had wanted to say no. Which they would probably think isn't fair for you to do.



886
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Jan 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,662
Location: SLC, Utah

22 Jan 2014, 7:08 am

What can you do? Nothing. Trial and error. If it didn't work, don't do it again. If it did, do it again.

It's the only real way to learn social skills. Honestly, though, it wasn't that unacceptable to bring it up.


_________________
If Jesus died for my sins, then I should sin as much as possible, so he didn't die for nothing.


skibum
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jul 2013
Age: 53
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,044
Location: my own little world

22 Jan 2014, 7:36 am

Sounds like something I might have done. :D Don't worry, they'll survive!


_________________
"I'm bad and that's good. I'll never be good and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be than me."

Wreck It Ralph


skibum
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jul 2013
Age: 53
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,044
Location: my own little world

22 Jan 2014, 7:38 am

ZombieBrideXD wrote:
yeah ive been there, talking about bodily functions at the table, mentioning death at a funeral.

the worst thing i ever said: i was attending my great Grandfathers funeral, and out family funerals tend to be full of laughs and food and people feel happy to be grieving together around family members. well i was sitting with cousins and then, suddenly, the entire room got very quiet, seeing the perfect opportunity, is said "whoa, who died?" (because 'who died' is a funny thing you say when a room gets quiet or grim) and everyone got really angry at me, i dont see why it was SO funny!!
Oh my goodness, probably not the best timing to say that!


_________________
"I'm bad and that's good. I'll never be good and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be than me."

Wreck It Ralph


Marky9
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Mar 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,625
Location: USA

22 Jan 2014, 8:09 am

Sounds like something I would say or do! :) I know I have certainly done similar things in that past.

I am more prone to do that, and hence try to be more on guard against it, when I am socially over-stimulated. In those instances my brain starts firing off willy-nilly trying to come up with things to say so that I can participate in the verbal exchanges. I mean, I like to be liked (as do most people) and want to say something to fit in with the group. Unfortunately it seems that while occupied with frantically thinking of something to say, my brain disengages my mental filters about what is appropriate to say. And so stuff pops out of my mouth that can mark me as socially less desirable - the exact opposite result from what I wanted.

The only way I know to guard against it is to be on-guard when speaking with others, and in particular with groups. It is quite taxing and tiring, and not at all a guaranteed solution. I still do it more often than I like.

Otherwise I try not to beat myself up about it too much. Whenever I get too down on myself after such a slip-up, I try to remember the line from the pop song "Oops I did it again." It helps me lighten up on myself a bit.


_________________
"Righteous indignation is best left to those who are better able to handle it." - Bill W.


Soccer22
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 26 Jun 2013
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 692

22 Jan 2014, 11:33 am

skibum wrote:
Sounds like something I might have done. :D Don't worry, they'll survive!


Yup, I probably would've said something like that too. I don't see the big deal!



sharkattack
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 May 2012
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,101

22 Jan 2014, 3:46 pm

I started a thread on here two day ago called putting Aspergers into perspective looking at the positive things in life.

Having said that I seem to put my foot in it all the time and I know I will never have normal friendships or relationships.

Since my diagnosis I find this increasingly frustrating because I know and understand this now but I just can not avoid it.



LupaLuna
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jan 2013
Age: 49
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,551
Location: tri-cities WA

22 Jan 2014, 4:04 pm

886 wrote:
What can you do? Nothing. Trial and error. If it didn't work, don't do it again. If it did, do it again.

It's the only real way to learn social skills. Honestly, though, it wasn't that unacceptable to bring it up.


Easier said then done. Most of the time. you don't get the critical feedback you need to realize the mistakes you make and you may not even be aware of the damage you done until it too late.



sharkattack
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 May 2012
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,101

22 Jan 2014, 4:08 pm

LupaLuna wrote:
886 wrote:
What can you do? Nothing. Trial and error. If it didn't work, don't do it again. If it did, do it again.

It's the only real way to learn social skills. Honestly, though, it wasn't that unacceptable to bring it up.


Easier said then done. Most of the time. you don't get the critical feedback you need to realize the mistakes you make and you may not even be aware of the damage you done until it too late.


Not being aware is the key here.

At least if we apply a bit of logical thinking we can stop stressing ourselves about it and stop feeling guilty and playing things over an over in our heads.



Sare
Snowy Owl
Snowy Owl

User avatar

Joined: 26 Dec 2013
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 146
Location: Sydney, Australia

22 Jan 2014, 7:04 pm

I think the more you worry about getting things right in social situations the harder you make it for yourself. You'll feel stressed or anxious each time you interact (and will make more mistakes as a result of being too pedantic). Too much self-consciousness.The fact is, every person offends someone else (NT or ASD). It's inevitable. So, what matters is how you react/respond to the situation. Your attitude. Ooops (:lol:), I made a blunder - what of it? What is the worst thing that could happen if you make a mistake? And why does it matter? What have you learned from it? and How can you move forward from this situation? You can't travel back in time to fix it, so focus on future interactions. Also, don't (over) apologise to others for your social mistakes (because they will continue to happen - no point in beating yourself up over it), instead focus on things that you can improve like developing self-esteem and being more friendly, neutral, and open - things you can do for yourself (your benefit) and not others.

I know, in the past, I have cared too much about what other people have thought and their feelings. I over-thought things and was very perfectionist. I often wondered if others did the same for me and came to the realisation that they don't show the same level of consideration, so now I don't care as much. I only care about following the main social rules in my interactions with others. People can either accept that or not.

I know that I have encountered some very rude NTs who didn't show the slightest concern at causing offense when they voiced their preferences/opinions. Some of them don't even want to change their behaviours because they are fine with how they are. For instance, I have observed the tendency of some people to look at what you're eating (it could be toast) and go 'I hate toast!' or some other similar remark. Well, that's great for them, they can hate toast. I am certainly not forcing them to eat MY toast, so who cares. It's good to have some indifference otherwise you'll find yourself obsessing over everything, and carrying the heavy burden of 'mistakes-made' with you into every future interaction. It's a (stress) habit that can be changed with practice and persistence. And in response to people who are rude you can either rebuke them, ignore them, overlook what they say, or make a joke about the situation.


_________________
I have thrown "normal" out the window.


superluminary
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 4 Nov 2013
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 274

23 Jan 2014, 3:53 pm

Sare wrote:
I think the more you worry about getting things right in social situations the harder you make it for yourself. You'll feel stressed or anxious each time you interact (and will make more mistakes as a result of being too pedantic). Too much self-consciousness.The fact is, every person offends someone else (NT or ASD). It's inevitable. So, what matters is how you react/respond to the situation. Your attitude. Ooops (:lol:), I made a blunder - what of it? What is the worst thing that could happen if you make a mistake? And why does it matter? What have you learned from it? and How can you move forward from this situation? You can't travel back in time to fix it, so focus on future interactions. Also, don't (over) apologise to others for your social mistakes (because they will continue to happen - no point in beating yourself up over it), instead focus on things that you can improve like developing self-esteem and being more friendly, neutral, and open - things you can do for yourself (your benefit) and not others.

I know, in the past, I have cared too much about what other people have thought and their feelings. I over-thought things and was very perfectionist. I often wondered if others did the same for me and came to the realisation that they don't show the same level of consideration, so now I don't care as much. I only care about following the main social rules in my interactions with others. People can either accept that or not.

I know that I have encountered some very rude NTs who didn't show the slightest concern at causing offense when they voiced their preferences/opinions. Some of them don't even want to change their behaviours because they are fine with how they are. For instance, I have observed the tendency of some people to look at what you're eating (it could be toast) and go 'I hate toast!' or some other similar remark. Well, that's great for them, they can hate toast. I am certainly not forcing them to eat MY toast, so who cares. It's good to have some indifference otherwise you'll find yourself obsessing over everything, and carrying the heavy burden of 'mistakes-made' with you into every future interaction. It's a (stress) habit that can be changed with practice and persistence. And in response to people who are rude you can either rebuke them, ignore them, overlook what they say, or make a joke about the situation.


Correct. It's tempting to try to understand every possible situation and encode a complete ruleset. After a while you realise it's impossible, the problem space is too large. I remember clearly the point at which I realised other people don't understand the complete rulebase either.

There are a few key rules to follow, beyond that, provided you look and smell decent, a little weirdness is funny.



Sedentarian
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Aug 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,679
Location: Madison, WI

23 Jan 2014, 4:58 pm

superluminary wrote:
Sare wrote:
I think the more you worry about getting things right in social situations the harder you make it for yourself. You'll feel stressed or anxious each time you interact (and will make more mistakes as a result of being too pedantic). Too much self-consciousness.The fact is, every person offends someone else (NT or ASD). It's inevitable. So, what matters is how you react/respond to the situation. Your attitude. Ooops (:lol:), I made a blunder - what of it? What is the worst thing that could happen if you make a mistake? And why does it matter? What have you learned from it? and How can you move forward from this situation? You can't travel back in time to fix it, so focus on future interactions. Also, don't (over) apologise to others for your social mistakes (because they will continue to happen - no point in beating yourself up over it), instead focus on things that you can improve like developing self-esteem and being more friendly, neutral, and open - things you can do for yourself (your benefit) and not others.

I know, in the past, I have cared too much about what other people have thought and their feelings. I over-thought things and was very perfectionist. I often wondered if others did the same for me and came to the realisation that they don't show the same level of consideration, so now I don't care as much. I only care about following the main social rules in my interactions with others. People can either accept that or not.

I know that I have encountered some very rude NTs who didn't show the slightest concern at causing offense when they voiced their preferences/opinions. Some of them don't even want to change their behaviours because they are fine with how they are. For instance, I have observed the tendency of some people to look at what you're eating (it could be toast) and go 'I hate toast!' or some other similar remark. Well, that's great for them, they can hate toast. I am certainly not forcing them to eat MY toast, so who cares. It's good to have some indifference otherwise you'll find yourself obsessing over everything, and carrying the heavy burden of 'mistakes-made' with you into every future interaction. It's a (stress) habit that can be changed with practice and persistence. And in response to people who are rude you can either rebuke them, ignore them, overlook what they say, or make a joke about the situation.


Correct. It's tempting to try to understand every possible situation and encode a complete ruleset. After a while you realise it's impossible, the problem space is too large. I remember clearly the point at which I realised other people don't understand the complete rulebase either.

There are a few key rules to follow, beyond that, provided you look and smell decent, a little weirdness is funny.


Oh no. I am determined to make a complete rule book of social situations.


_________________
Mildly autistic WrongPlanet Member, teenage boy, and screen time lover extraordinaire. PM me if you want!