I Feel Like a Fraud..

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Hi there,

I haven't been a member of WrongPlanet for nearly as long as most of you (in fact this day marks my first complete month), but I believe that I've read more than enough posts and stories to be able to properly express how I feel regarding my place in the community. I feel really stuck right now, and I am really hoping that others here can relate to what I'm about to say.


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'I feel like a fraud.' <-- the title says it all. So many members on here have obviously lived far more difficult lives than I have. It isn't wrong to say that there have even been member suicides. I'm not even diagnosed with anything.

As far as I'm concerned, my life seems to be far less affected than most people with Asperger's. I'm only 18, and I've been rejected a ton of times, was always the 'secondary friend', there's a ton more stuff but the thing is, I couldn't care less. It's all in the past, and right now I have bouts of depression/intense anxiety, but I can easily preoccupy myself and or stop caring. I've also had good times with people in my life etc.. it was never all bad for me like others have written. As far as I'm aware, I have fairly strong emotions, and many of my traits have been buried over years, such as complete elimination of rituals.

My stimming isn't 'hand flapping', my interests don't involve an eccentric subject such as baseball statistics or timetables, I don't feel 'absolutely hopeless' in social situations in the sense that I feel I have learned heaps, to the point that I frequently spot everyone else doing the 'rude' things. I'm still crap socially and have learned it all through observation, studying and trial and error, but I don't have to think 'what would a normal person say?', I just do it, and I seem to get by enough to survive. I don't even know about my sensory issues, but I don't have overly loud hearing or distorted vision, and those seem like the worst to have. Why would I even bother complaining about tactile dysfunction if it barely changes my life in comparison?

I excelled in primary school, but then I got to high school and kept telling myself I'd study hard but never did. I'd do things like watching astronomy documentaries and researching it rather than school work. I went to a select entry school and so everyone got really good scores, but I was one of the few exceptions. How could I be so lazy/irresponsible? It sounds like you could blame special interests, but you could also argue that I just procrastinate by learning something I like instead. I don't know. My mum refuses to let me be tested, but is there really a point anyway? A counselor asked me to think about this: 'How does it affect the way you think you will live your life?' - my answer is I honestly don't know. I don't really see myself needing support, other than maybe for motivation.

Does anyone else feel as if they would be diagnosed (or if you already have been diagnosed, apply the question before you were diagnosed), but overall aren't crippled in life? Will this change as I get older? I honestly don't know. I can't tell if it's because of my nature and the way I was raised, but I feel as if that if you took the 3-12 year old me you could instantly diagnose me, and now you you might be able to, but why? Over time I eliminated many annoying compulsive thoughts and (as far as I'm aware) all rituals, and I don't know how I did that. I just progressively changed over time because they stressed me out. I learned from others, including via Big Brother etc my social skills and now apply them essentially effortlessly. Most stories I've read, people still retain behaviours such as rituals, and that concerns me greatly. I can't tell whether I have some advantage in terms of adaptation or I just really am a failure who thinks he could have Asperger's. I also can't tell since I cannot be tested, the true extent to which the traits affect me. I have looked back on online conversations I've had and considered what I said to be far more rude than how I considered it at the time, but I've also looked back and felt proud of myself (Yes, I feel complex emotions as well).

It's as if all my coping mechanisms are too good and have covered up the majority of my symptoms, so I feel like a fake. I don't even have a real sense of identity. I could go on for ages but I haven't even explained myself properly as I've got too many relevant thoughts.

I really just want to know if anyone can relate to this.

Well the way I see it is, people should be members here if they feel they can relate to asd. You do relate don't you?
Maybe you don't have this or that the same as others, but I think you can relate to what is being said. It's not like you are scratching your head and saying "what the hell are these people talking about, none of it registers". It's funny, I saw a post here where someone was saying many here "don't sound autistic". Like they were frauds oe whatever. But I don't view things that way. I rarely check anyone's profile to see what they have themselves listed as being diagnosed, undiagnosed or don't know if they have it. Some might even say me or KindomOfRats or AdamAutistic etc. don't belong here because we don't have Asperger's or HFA. Or I could say we are the only ones who are really autistic and the rest are just crybaby wannabes or whatever. But this isn't a contest in who is the most severely impacted by asd or possable asd. I think if you can relate to asd and you're making contributions to this forum, then you belong here. Thats all i look for. You are just trying to figure yourself out - theres no crime in that. There are ppl in their 50's here who have been here for years who still don't know if they are AS or something else.

Yeah, I understand, and it's fantastic that you have that point of view.

I just feel discombobulated (cheers, Bumble) in that I feel as if I do have Asperger's, but I've adapted so well that I may as well not even bother with a diagnosis. I distinctly remember having really annoying compulsive desires/rituals/thoughts when I was young (just as an example), and that lasted for years. I kept them to myself though as I knew if I told others I'd have no control over it, and they'd call me stupid or something like that. I have really good self awareness in some aspects, and as they were stressing me out I just changed them over the years.

Using an analogy, those with a typical case of Asperger's are squares. Neurotypicals are circles. I started as a square, but have adapted and now am somewhere between a square and circle. Most people with Asperger's seem to have adapted in one way or another, but rather than existing somewhere between a square and a circle like myself, it's as if they are still a square, but can transform in to somewhat of a circle.

Basically, what I mean by that analogy is that most cases of which I read, the people with Asperger's can 'cover up' their symptoms (they still have them at their core, while I have gotten rid of some of mine completely. In a sense, I feel as if I am actually a Neurotypical (a circle) but shaped by Asperger's (a circle with added parts that make it a square). It's really hard to explain, and I know the rituals etc weren't just age based as no one else did them and my sister thought I was really strange when she saw me doing them.

Last edited by Norny on 01 Feb 2014, 7:57 am, edited 2 times in total.

I totally relate to that. I'm a lot different than I used to be and have changed a lot from totally non responsive non verbal to where I am now. There is a lot of stuff i have gotten rid of or overcome. Although I really think its more a matter of the brain making alternate neural pathways. But yeah I feel circle square between one and the other. I may be like totally hfa by the time I am 18. I'm not sure exactly what to call myself right now. But the thing is, you are not 100% an NT circle. And you certainly did not start out as one. And remember, autism is not a perfect geometrical shape like a circle or a square, its puzzle pieces



I think I'm the blue piece third down to the left

Here's a quote from the Wikipedia article about Asperger's

Correct me if I'm wrong, but that "may" in the sentence (my bolding) sounds to me like the majority of children with A.S. do not continue to have social and communication difficulties as adults. Otherwise it would have said something like but "social and communication difficulties in most cases persist" or "social and communication difficulties will probably persist"

I dunno, maybe that sentence paints an inaccurate picture. I guess you can't really trust Wikipedia. I just thought that was interesting anyway.

Yeah, but that wiki quote came from HERE

http://www.soundclick.com/player/single ... 80050&q=hi
i am not a fraud

Wasn't my intention if that was the idea you received upon reading the information, sorry.

SAUSAGE AND STEAK!! ! <-- (Sorry for that, I wanted to try out the devil face, first time using)

Really nice work with that song you linked by the way.

Reported

whatever..

Last edited by b9 on 01 Feb 2014, 9:41 am, edited 1 time in total.

Nice try Ezra, but we both know my powers cannot be stopped. <-- (Yes, it's the other face now.)


EDIT - Hijacking this topic proves valuable in this instance, because by doing so I am fraudulent of hijacking my own topic about fraud.

http://soundclick.com/share.cfm?id=11280050

I'm not sure what I'm missing. Are you guys fighting?

I just asked because Wrong Planet is one of the few places I can get away with saying "hey wait a minute, I don't get it, what is going on?" Do you mind telling me, please?

Anyway, if it's relevant I often feel like a fraud. So I can't take this advice so well, but Norny I think each of us is better off focusing on our own reality as valid, and important. And not so much on how we look to others, which is what we have to do as children to survive, but an awful way to live out the entirety of our lives, doubting our own experience, that is. Whatever you've been through or grown out of is part if who you are, and we all need a narrative to explain ourselves, and ideally to have that narrative validated by others, at least in part.

I know for me, when I am feeling I'm pretending, I am invalidating my own very real experience and where and who I am and was, and I know pretend is so hard for me that that makes me crazy. So I'm trying to catch myself when I feel like a fraud and know that I am real. Regardless how others experience me.

I think also sometimes other people see the effort to look normal and fit in and misinterpret if it's pretty good, thinking it's being difficult on purpose when it's really trying hard to fit in and make oneself and others comfortable.

It really helps to have that external validation I am real, though. Because otherwise I do get pretty lost in feeling I pretend.

I'd like to pose the same question. I am discombobulated...as usual, again.

I'd like to be combobulated one day. I can live and dream..

No we would never fight, Ezra and I are fabulous.

woah..

Last edited by b9 on 01 Feb 2014, 7:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.