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MjrMajorMajor
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09 Feb 2014, 6:55 pm

I understand where Hyena's coming from, but I'm not one to form many emotional attachments. When I was single I had a FWB for a few years, but it was less for the former than the latter. This eliminated most safety concerns, and it was hassle free. I am in the minority with this I realize, but it's not the worst idea ever.:shrug:



MadeUnderground
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09 Feb 2014, 7:51 pm

MjrMajorMajor wrote:
I understand where Hyena's coming from, but I'm not one to form many emotional attachments. When I was single I had a FWB for a few years, but it was less for the former than the latter. This eliminated most safety concerns, and it was hassle free. I am in the minority with this I realize, but it's not the worst idea ever.:shrug:



FWB doesn't count for what he's talking about.

He's talking about having sex with someone with no emotional connection.

But then again, we could be getting confused on semantics so let me clarify what these words mean to me.

FWB - Someone who is my friend and is primarily my friend, but we also hook up.
F*ck buddy - Someone I meet up with regularly for the sole purpose of sex and we do not have a relationship of any kind outside of meeting for sex.
One night stand / casual sex - Someone I met, had sex with and then didn't see them again.

I have had a few FWBs and the only reason why it was able to become physical was because I knew them as friends first, therefore there was an emotional connection and some trust established already.

I could never imagine having a f*ck buddy or a one night stand for the same reasons I stated in my above post. No emotional connection + trust = No desire for sex with the person from me.

But hey, different strokes for different folks! :lol:



NinsMom
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09 Feb 2014, 8:10 pm

hyena wrote:
As for what you guys wrote, I am quite different. When I see an attractive person I really want to have sex with them. Yes I would prefer a loving relationship but even if that was not possible I would still much rather have the sex by itself than nothing.

As aspies it may take decades or centuries for us to find compatible life partners lol. Why not have fun until then? Of course if sex by itself is not fun for you then I understand, but I really want it. And given that I often see women with whom attraction is mutual, it is really really frustrating for me that the only thing holding me back is inability to make pointless small talk and BS.



Behind what you see as "pointless small talk", there is a lot of information about you being learned by the woman.
You also seem to forget that women may want to get some information about you, & whether or not you could be a psycho. Men seem to forget this. They assume because they know they are not dangerous, that Everyone knows that too.
You are usually bigger & stronger than us, so trust is important to women, a lot more so than it is to men.



aspiemike
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09 Feb 2014, 8:25 pm

NinsMom wrote:

Behind what you see as "pointless small talk", there is a lot of information about you being learned by the woman.
You also seem to forget that women may want to get some information about you, & whether or not you could be a psycho. Men seem to forget this. They assume because they know they are not dangerous, that Everyone knows that too.
You are usually bigger & stronger than us, so trust is important to women, a lot more so than it is to men.


This is a very good contribution to the forum. Thank you

On the flip side, knowing that I am somewhat of a literal thinker, and struggle with abstract concepts, I would need to be able to dig out information from women as well. Information that would indicate they aren't likely to just run away because of a minor bump in the road, there isn't going to be any major deal-breaking differences and that they won't take advantage of the way I think for their own benefit.


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NinsMom
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09 Feb 2014, 8:34 pm

hyena wrote:
LOL
Chit-chat is not fun for me nor is it fun for the other person when we have just met. I am not spontaneous especially when anxious. And I am willing to let these women have sex with me not only the other way around! I find rebellion against society's stupidity attractive, others don't, that's fine! You mention cult leaders, I am not religious, but i have always wanted to become the Pope, they got such nice costumes, every day is Halloween LOL :p

I do want want to make others happy and I do want to love but not by making a fool of myself. I would rather gather dust 5 inches thick on my c**k than make a clown of myself. I am not the only one who lost here, the women that come chasing me also lose because I cannot tell them what I honestly feel. You have made many unsubstantiated claims.


***************
Mmmmm... this sounds a bit familiar.... 8O
So, She has to Chase You...??? Is that it? Then & only then does she get a peek into your soul? If she follows your rules..
If she has made it known that she Likes you, exactly how much of the 'heavy lifting" do you expect her to do? She's already met you 1/2 way. So you want her to make a fool of herself? Good Luck with that! :roll:
***************


leafplant wrote:
Are you sure you are all that fond of honesty?

I think you know exactly why the social chit chat is needed you just can't be bothered with it so you are trying to blame your laziness to do your bit of the social contract on the women who are unwilling to let you have sex with them just because your hormones made their hormones do a double take.

you must by now be aware that women do not find casual sex as appealing as men, and yet you keep going on with this rhetoric of "if only society wasn't so puritan, i could get me some' which is quite frankly repulsive and makes you sound like a wannabe cult leader.

There is nothing in your words that indicates that you are even marginally interested in making anyone other than yourself happy, so, why, in the world would anyone let you have sex with them, whether you are being direct or not. Plenty of guys have pulled with just "Wanna f**k" so it's not unheard of, but the fact that you are not being successful point out to a failing on your part, and not anything societally repressive.

I mean. If you want honesty.



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09 Feb 2014, 9:13 pm

hyena wrote:
But you cannot be honest and just tell them you want to f... them. That seems to be frowned upon in our society even though it is perfectly honest. I would have liked such bluntness a lot and would be doing it if others were not offended by it, but I believe the great majority of people would be offended.


why not approach a sex life this way if you're ok with it?

I know it's different in the gay community, but there are many hookup websites out there that are pretty much dedicated to exactly this.. no strings attached sex. So, if a gay guy wants to have sex, he can just log into one of these sites or post a profile to one and chat with others, find a suitable partner, and F all he wants to.

Heterosexual attractions can't be all thaaat different. From others I know that have hooked up with many opposite sex partners via internet dating sites, I know full well this culture of friends with benefits or NSA sex is alive and well in the hetero world, too. If it's what you're looking to get out of a partner (just sex, no relationship) then have a look around the internet and find a site full of people looking for the same thing. It's really not that difficult this day and age with everyone being internet connected. There are many others out there of all orientations/ages/sex etc that are simply looking to get laid and not have any kind of relationship out of the deal. You're making the mistake of assuming you're the only one in your area like this. with 7 Billion plus people on the planet, I assure you there are plenty of likeminded people.

Have fun & be safe. :)


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hyena
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09 Feb 2014, 9:31 pm

You are quite right that I either have to adapt to society or live in frustration. I appreciate your honesty and wisdom.
Unfortunately I am very proud and don't like making mistakes. If I am not good at something I tend to avoid it. Maybe I'll try to change that. Good hunting (i.e. for an aspie partner) :)

Eureka13 wrote:
I had to learn to flirt - it was not natural behavior for me. Even though I am direct and straightforward myself, I learned at an early age that not everyone is like that, especially in the south, where everybody, especially the women, are raised to be "nice" and "polite" all the time (which in essence means NEVER saying exactly what you think). After getting in trouble a kazillion times as a kid for saying exactly what was on my mind (which is considered to be height of rudeness), I had to learn to either never say anything at all around people (especially those I had just met), or learn how to say things so they wouldn't get me in trouble. Sink or swim. I swam. Rather badly for quite a long time, but at least I could dog paddle and keep my head above water in most cases.

Then, when I entered the age of dating, I knew I had to learn how to engage in "flirtation" or "banter" in order to fit with what most people expect (and respond to). I watched, I listened, I asked questions of girlfriends (and guy friends), and I gradually incorporated it into my basic socialization skillset that I had learned (had beaten into me) when younger. I had my share of moments walking up to some cute guy, saying "I find you attractive and would like to get to know you better" and having the guy more or less flip out. In any case, it never worked, not even once. And here, even knowing what I know now, I still would expect that males would be totally open to that kind of thing. They weren't. Still aren't, last I checked.

I don't know if you were asking me, but yes, I am diagnosed with HFA. But I wasn't diagnosed until a few months ago (I'm in my late 50s). So, when I was young, I knew I saw and felt things differently than everybody else, but, not knowing that there was a neurological reason for me being different from everybody else, I figured it was up to me to become more like them, not up to them to become more like me. I treated it as an intellectual exercise.

Funny thing, once I learned to flirt and engage in witty banter, I found that there's no intellectual exercise that is more fun than engaging in witty banter, especially with someone I'm attracted to. It makes socialization, something I normally hate, into a kind of game for me, no matter who I'm talking to. And I still stumble at times, and blurt out something horrifically blunt and inappropriate, but at least now I have learned what is generally considered "blunt to the point of rudeness" and I can apologize if need be, or occasionally pass it off as a joke.

Anyway, my point is: you seem quite intelligent. Set out to learn how to talk to people without crossing that artificially (societally) constructed line between tact and honesty. My late Aspie fiance never lost his bluntness, but he developed a sense of humor that he employed almost 100% of the time when socializing with anyone he didn't know well, so that any time he would say something inappropriate, he could make a joke out of it if it didn't go over well. Personally, I found it endearing (being prone to do the same kind of thing), but not everyone did (even his own close family members complained about it ad nauseum).

This is why I would like to find another Aspie partner someday, when I am ready to move on with my life. The thing that he and I did best for each other was enable the other to NOT have to use those "social filters" that we'd had to develop all our lives. It can be tiring to keep those filters in place 100% of the time. I think that why's so many of us long for a relationship with "the one" - "the one" being that someone who allows us to be ourselves without having to maintain a facade of being someone we're not.

Look at it this way - you could spend the rest of your life trying to make everyone be like you, or you could dedicate a chunk of your own time right now to learn the social niceties and practice applying them until you get good at it. The first way, you will frustrated until the day you die; the second way, you will be frustrated for awhile until it starts to "click" for you, and then the rest of your life will be much smoother.

Sorry for the potentially TLDR post, I must be in "old lady lecture mode" today. :)



hyena
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09 Feb 2014, 9:36 pm

It's not that I want her to make a fool of herself I would just like to be able to tell her the truth without being thought of as acting inappropriately. If they wanted to do the same I would welcome them with open arms.

NinsMom wrote:

***************
Mmmmm... this sounds a bit familiar.... 8O
So, She has to Chase You...??? Is that it? Then & only then does she get a peek into your soul? If she follows your rules..
If she has made it known that she Likes you, exactly how much of the 'heavy lifting" do you expect her to do? She's already met you 1/2 way. So you want her to make a fool of herself? Good Luck with that! :roll:
***************



hyena
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09 Feb 2014, 9:38 pm

That is a wonderful suggestion, where have you been :P
Do you have to post your picture online though? I have heard of people getting fired because of this, which infuriates me. Why does your boss think he can run your life after work? Still though, this is a wonderful idea, thanks :)

goldfish21 wrote:
hyena wrote:
But you cannot be honest and just tell them you want to f... them. That seems to be frowned upon in our society even though it is perfectly honest. I would have liked such bluntness a lot and would be doing it if others were not offended by it, but I believe the great majority of people would be offended.


why not approach a sex life this way if you're ok with it?

I know it's different in the gay community, but there are many hookup websites out there that are pretty much dedicated to exactly this.. no strings attached sex. So, if a gay guy wants to have sex, he can just log into one of these sites or post a profile to one and chat with others, find a suitable partner, and F all he wants to.

Heterosexual attractions can't be all thaaat different. From others I know that have hooked up with many opposite sex partners via internet dating sites, I know full well this culture of friends with benefits or NSA sex is alive and well in the hetero world, too. If it's what you're looking to get out of a partner (just sex, no relationship) then have a look around the internet and find a site full of people looking for the same thing. It's really not that difficult this day and age with everyone being internet connected. There are many others out there of all orientations/ages/sex etc that are simply looking to get laid and not have any kind of relationship out of the deal. You're making the mistake of assuming you're the only one in your area like this. with 7 Billion plus people on the planet, I assure you there are plenty of likeminded people.

Have fun & be safe. :)



hyena
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09 Feb 2014, 9:42 pm

Thank you all for your suggestions. Come to think of it even in the rare cases when I successfully flirted with women (they started it) I eventually backed off as I was unsure if I really wanted them, even though I thought I really did prior to flirting.

I guess I will go talk to a therapist about this and other issues. I have learned just about all I can from this:
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cn3Ank_nC2k[/youtube]

Just realized, some people might think I posted this video to be obnoxious. I didn't, the only reason I posted it was because I am addicted to Downfall parodies and I really like this one :)

LOL



Last edited by hyena on 10 Feb 2014, 6:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

goldfish21
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09 Feb 2014, 9:51 pm

hyena wrote:
That is a wonderful suggestion, where have you been :P
Do you have to post your picture online though? I have heard of people getting fired because of this, which infuriates me. Why does your boss think he can run your life after work? Still though, this is a wonderful idea, thanks :)


Some sites you don't have to post your picture, others you do - but even on the ones where you have to post a picture of yourself you're not obligated to post an identifying face picture. You can post a clothed body shot, or a nude closeup of whatever you want, or some people just post a zoomed in picture of their iris even. Totally up to you. For sites that don't require a picture but have the option of having one, you can just google any picture you want - scenery, a quote, something funny about hooking up for nsa sex, and use that. The benefit to doing that is that then your ad shows that it's one with a picture and will get more views than ones without.

Just don't post anything identifying. You also aren't obligated to send any identifying pictures via email, either, but many people will refuse to meet without trading pictures first for a few reasons: attraction, safety, security etc and to ensure the person you meet is in fact who you were emailing.

There are bound to be plenty of people on typical dating sites looking for exactly this kind of arrangement.. okcupid, lavalife, whatever. Heck, if it's active in your area, try the personals section on craigslist.


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hyena
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09 Feb 2014, 10:24 pm

Ok, if there are women out there who just want sex that would be great. And at those sites there is no shame in telling someone you want to f**k them. Thanks again.

goldfish21 wrote:
hyena wrote:
That is a wonderful suggestion, where have you been :P
Do you have to post your picture online though? I have heard of people getting fired because of this, which infuriates me. Why does your boss think he can run your life after work? Still though, this is a wonderful idea, thanks :)


Some sites you don't have to post your picture, others you do - but even on the ones where you have to post a picture of yourself you're not obligated to post an identifying face picture. You can post a clothed body shot, or a nude closeup of whatever you want, or some people just post a zoomed in picture of their iris even. Totally up to you. For sites that don't require a picture but have the option of having one, you can just google any picture you want - scenery, a quote, something funny about hooking up for nsa sex, and use that. The benefit to doing that is that then your ad shows that it's one with a picture and will get more views than ones without.

Just don't post anything identifying. You also aren't obligated to send any identifying pictures via email, either, but many people will refuse to meet without trading pictures first for a few reasons: attraction, safety, security etc and to ensure the person you meet is in fact who you were emailing.

There are bound to be plenty of people on typical dating sites looking for exactly this kind of arrangement.. okcupid, lavalife, whatever. Heck, if it's active in your area, try the personals section on craigslist.



goldfish21
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09 Feb 2014, 11:33 pm

hyena wrote:
Ok, if there are women out there who just want sex that would be great. And at those sites there is no shame in telling someone you want to f**k them. Thanks again.


There are. And nope, none whatsoever - that's pretty much the entire premise of some sites. Have a look at the "casual encounters," personal ads section of craigslist. It's specifically for posting ads for NSA (no strings attached) sex. People can specify whether they are male or female and whether they're looking for a male or female or either or trans or both/any etc. Just be smart and safe about it, ask if people are disease free & hiv- and obviously still take precautions and use protection. The acronym "DDF," means "drug and disease free," but even if someone posts that in an ad it's probably good policy to ask them again via email and then still use protection. Common sense stuff.


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