On romantic relationships

Post Reply New Topic

I assume all of us have urges to mate. Well I do :p
Anyhow, it seems to me that in order to mate in our society it takes many skills that people with AS lack. This is from the first moments, when I find there is a lot of pretense. I really do not care much for the interests of most people, so in order to show interest I would have to fake much of it. .Of course, I am very bad at faking interest or facial expressions. But you cannot be honest and just tell them you want to f... them. That seems to be frowned upon in our society even though it is perfectly honest. I would have liked such bluntness a lot and would be doing it if others were not offended by it, but I believe the great majority of people would be offended.
I can eventually come to like people and enjoy spending time with them but that comes naturally it is not pushed.

Also, the great majority of people do not have AS, and from what I read on Atwood’s book it seems that the great majority of times when an aspie has a long term romantic relationship with a non-aspie the non-aspie has a really bad time. I strongly believe my father has AS and I know my mother would have been much better off if she had not married him. So, in my view, long term emotional relationships with non-aspies are morally unacceptable (most of the time) as it would cause them harm. Short term (or long term) relationships aimed at mutually satisfactory sex without much emotion are morally acceptable but amounts to a Herculean task for aspies, for the reasons mentioned above.

So my question is: how do you not gather dust on your ... ?

I have a few times encountered females that displayed AS symptoms and I was attracted to them. Of course, it would be quite difficult to get two such people together. It is difficult enough having one person with social difficulties, having two would be worse. On the other hand, they would experience the same difficulties and are more likely to be understanding, and would probably appreciate bluntness more than others. Furthermore, the moral impediment mentioned above is not an issue here. So, in my view, an aspie could morally pursue long term romantic/emotional relationships with other aspies. Has anyone tried this and does it work?

Anyone have any experience with this?

No, I have had a relationship with an NT and it was great. No emotional harm on either side.

As I said in other posts, I believe the relationship to work there must be interest on both sides, and communication. I had a very short relationship with an undiagnosed Aspie, she was not really interested in me, and there was emotional harm (she felt pressured and I highly rejected).

If she wanted me, she toss aside some of their charges, if she had talked to me more about their difficulties, surely we'd still be together

To the OP, I would be careful of one of Tony Attwood's books, it is the book with the prehistrotic marine animals on the cover. The chapter on AS and sexual relationships did quote from a woman named Maxine Aston, she is a person in the UK who has made the bold claim that a relationship between a NT woman and a AS man can lead to some syndrome that she then can offer a cure for.

I do not know how much this woman has had an effect on Tony's thought process as he wrote the book.

To my mind Maxine is not a trustworthy source, she had a failed relationship with a man who she claims has AS and she has never presented firm evidence to support her ideas, nor has she ever published anything other than a few unpeer reviewed books on the subject.

Interesting, I would hope Atwood was wrong in that assertion.

As for communication, I am not sure that is the problem. I take it we all see people every day with whom we wish to have sex, and I take it for most of us there are people who feel likewise. The issue is that if you go communicate to someone that you would like to have sex with them they will take offense even though they would like it, and you would like it, and they know you want it and you know they want it. How silly is that? You both have a mutual desire which can be easily satisfied making both (or more) partners happy and yet communicating this honestly is taboo! WTF!! ! How stupid is that? You cannot tell someone you want to have sex with them even though you both want it? Who comes up with these idiotic rules for society? Why is sex taboo? Instead one must engage in a ridiculous bunch of social cliches before one is allowed to get some nookie. One day I hope to find a group of people who feel like me and simply say what they want in terms of sex without feeling shame.

We will like take a long time to find likable life partner(s) (if they are desired and exist), so why not have fun along the way? I just don't get why we deny ourselves what we really want for no reason whatsoever other than idiotic ancient taboos. This angers me immensely. Oh how this angers me! How can humanity be so stupid as to be surpassed by animals who give in to their natural passions and get what they want. Anyone else feel this frustration?

Nothing is that simple. Even in my younger days, I never wanted sex by itself, for its own sake. It’s part of a package, and the total package had to be right before I would have considered sex. I didn’t demand perfection, but I wanted some kind of on-going relationship, or at least the possibility of one.

Sex by itself, to me, is disgusting. It's not an "ancient taboo." You are a person, and I want to know what kind. Do we have anything at all in common? If your opening line is about sex, that tells me that you’re not even hoping for something more. That’s an automatic turn-off.

I think that is your preference. I believe most people's preferences are not along the same lines. I think if there was no negative judgement from society most humans would like to have sex with others just because it is pleasurable.

If my claim is correct then the only thing holding these people back seems to be foolish taboos and not their natural desires. Given that many people are not in serious exclusive relationships I strongly believe they would benefit from casual sex. It would add a lot of pleasure to life.

From my interactions with other men I think the great majority would like to have sex just by itself, without a relationship. If that is the case for women also, then the great majority of people are being foolish.

People with your preferences are more than welcome to continue their own way. This was addressed to people who think like me, who I believe are a majority. Personally, I cannot see why doing something that generates mutual pleasure should be disgusting if the persons involved do not know each other. To me this is like saying I would only play soccer with people I know and care for otherwise it would not be fun and would be disgusting. Why should something that nature has given us be disgusting? Why must we be disgusted with our true carnal nature? To me this is a huge flaw in the mentality of current society. If we abandoned these useless forms of self scorn I think we would be much happier. Happiness lies in accepting our nature and acting accordingly, not repressing our true selves.

If others disagree with me that is fine, I respect their wishes.

I think most women are not interested in a sex-only relationship. Echoing what Tahitii said, I don't get turned on at all by just the thought of having sex - I have to establish some kind of other connection - mental or emotional at the least - before the hormones kick in and make me feel desire for someone.

Yes, I'm blunt, and if I do want to have sex with someone, I will say so. But that's not going to be the first thing I think of when I meet someone new, no matter how attractive or interesting he may be. I have to like him and enjoy his company before I start thinking about having sex with him.

And when I do like someone, enjoy his company, and feel connected to him, I want to have sex with him all the time.

I sure hope you are wrong. If you are correct then men with AS are f...ed (that is metaphorically lol). On a serious note, it is quite hard for men with AS to form a connection, even if it wasn't only for sex. I do feel strong desires to love women but you have to talk about a whole bunch of unrelated stuff before it gets to that point. The only things I feel are important for love are ideology and morality. Yet much more seems to be required in actuality. I cannot make small talk under pressure. It seems so pointless and when I think something is pointless it shows. If I can't easily get love I might as well settle for sex only, but apparently that does not come easy either lol

This is not addressed to anyone specifically just any woman who wants to answer it: If you have not been in a serious relationship in a while you would still rather not have sex than do it with someone you do not know well?

I don't know; I'm male but I'm the exact same way as far as having zero interest in sex until such connection is formed, and I don't feel 'screwed' just because I have AS. It's going to take me longer to find someone compatible, but I feel it will be worth it to be with someone who I truly feel I understand and am comfortable with, and really I have no choice - it's not something I can choose to ignore. I psychologically cannot feel sexual attraction without first knowing who someone is, and being attracted to her as a person first.

This "huge flaw" is not just in "current society." It's been in just about every society, everywhere, since the dawn of time, for some damn good reasons.

Starting with basic biology: Sperm costs practically nothing, and spreading them far and wide has survival value. Meanwhile, eggs are precious, and being choosy about who they are exposed to has survival value.

Then there's life since the beginning of the agrarian age: The sexual repression of MEN is what built society. When it's too easy, they don't do a damn thing. When they have to accomplish something impressive, stuff gets done. Without some kind of repression, we would be having this conversation in front of a cave.

I could go on...

My "true carnal nature" really is to be choosy about mating.

This is the same for me.

I cannot even fathom having sex with someone I have no emotional connection with.

I am a highly suspicious and distrusting person by nature, so it takes a lot for me to let my guard down, relax and let someone have sex with me.
I have to have certain things before that happens. The most important being trust, and obviously trust is built from an emotional connection and friendship with that person over a period of time, (that time depends on each individual person).

I am much like Deuterium, I can walk down the street and see an attractive female and think, "She's pretty." but it will never go beyond that superficial thought of her looking good. Not unless we wind up talking and the sparks are flying and she's laughing and I'm laughing and it's all going good, then I may be thinking, "Man, I hope she's single! I wonder what she's up to Friday night.." - And even then, the thought goes from emotional connection > dating/hanging out. Not the thought of sex. Thought of sex comes much later for me.

I would absolutely, positively still rather not have sex than "do it" with someone I do not know well and/or am not mentally/emotionally attracted to.

Interestingly, I've only ever known one man who I knew for sure was an Aspie (my late fiance), and he felt the same way I do.

By what I have observed, many women, esp the more prettier they are, the more sexual and/or relationship options they have, and so get board easily with their mates. many times I have seen females not want to try and work on relationships because its easier just to dump the male and find a new one. and they get dated so much its gets harder and harder to impress them. I don't even try for the pretty girls, their to hard to keep and keep happy, first bump in the road they leave, to spoiled.

If you have to work too hard on a relationship then you are not with the right person. You may not realise that you flag up a deal breaker for these women and that is why they leave. Well adjusted people of both sexes will not compromise their integrity for another person.

As a matter of fact it is quite common in our society for females to go on night clubs find an attractive man and have sex with him the same night. How well can you choose from talking with someone who is often a fool for an hour? I am attractive and get lustful looks all the time, the only difference is that I cannot make spontaneous small talk with strangers, and certainly cannot dance. But I don't think making small talk for an hour, often with a fool, is a good way to pick the father of one's child. (Of course the aim is not to procreate it is pleasure, but biology would make survival pleasurable so to speak.)

These women go there to get laid and those men go there to get laid! But when the time comes for them to interact they must go through a whole bunch of irrelevant idiotic pretense before they get to sex. If you are honest and express your true desire you get slapped or worse. I cannot make small talk, but why is that considered a prerequisite for sex? It is usually all lies and BS anyway. Unless what is being assessed is one's ability to deceive I don't see the point. Why can't people just have a philosophical debate before sex