Helping someone who's lost a loved one.

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My fiancee just lost her mother this morning and was naturally very upset. I spent the morning comforting her, made her tea, sat with her, had her music playing for her. My parents told my fiancee that they'd fly her up to see her family immediately (we both live with my parents). She had one of her friends come over and her friend just took over. She said that she would be paying for my fiancee's flight, called my fiancee's brother to let him know this, then told her she was taking her out so she could start feeling better. Then she said my fiancee was spending the night. She told me what's what and there was nothing I could say because going out with her friend was probably the best thing for her. I even tried to tell my fiancee's friend that my parents already offered to pay for her flight, but her friend had all of these points saved up and she was just going to save everyone money. She came off as someone who has money and has to let everyone know about it. Rubbed me the wrong way. Just on a side note, but reinforcing my previous observation, she played my electric piano (pretty cheap, but it works) for a bit while my fiancee was getting ready to leave. She had to make it a point about how she has a grand piano herself.

As for me, I can't drive due to severe anxiety. That's why we live with my parents in the first place. Having asperger's, I can count my social IQ on both hands so I'm not sure what to do to help anyone who's grieving, especially when it's over a person I barely know. Then to have someone come over and make me feel powerless to help my fiancee when she really needs someone felt awful.

I want to be able to help her and be there for her in a way that matters. I hate feeling useless in important matters like this. I wish I could have been able to tell her friend to f**k off and that I'm taking care of her or even have my fiancee decline the offer for the same reason.

Stupid people. It sucks when you do the right things, but somebody can't let you be and has to get into some freaking competition. Your fiance should be able to see through that, but she's probably really upset.

Do not worry about the friend[ unless she starts to annoy your fiancee, in which case, you will need to take the person aside and tell him/her that while all she is doing is appreciated that your fiancee needs to grieve in her way and her time]

If you don't know what to say, tell her that you don't know what to say. If she gets weird or bitchy, that's okay, let her. Keep making her tea. Your parents sound pretty awesome. Tell them that, and that you appreciate it and ask them to keep it up. Don't tell her it's alright. it's not. it sucks.

Do tell her that when she needs to start saying things about her mom that it is alright for her to tell the same story over and over and over again.

STOP worryinga bout the stupid friend. This is no time for you to get jealous. Listen ALOT. Talk little. Do not tell her when you think she should be "over it."

Do special little things for her. Do not expect thanks. Do not tell her not to cry. DO NOT FREAK OUT AND WITHDRAW BECAUSE YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO.

Ask your mom for some advice, and for petes sake, do not get jealous of anyones nurturing of your fiancee. This is not about you.

I would also suggest some nice comfort food,particularly in the form of soups that are easier to get past that horrible lump in the throat.

mostly, just be there.

If you can get her alone, away from her friend and are trying to comfort her maybe you could ask her questions about her mom. like "What was your favorite memory of her?" or "What's the best holiday you had growing up?" Assuming her childhood was a happy one. If not, just make sure you tell her she can talk to you and say whatever she wants. And just ignore the friend unless she is bothering your fiance'. It is very rude and mean of her to push you out of this, but unfortunately any confrontation on the issue will stress your fiance' out more and look bad on you. Sucks and is wrong, but it's the way it is.

And yeah, avoid saying things like "it's ok" and "don't cry" like someone else says. That pisses me off when someone says that.

Yeah these people are all making a lot of sense, I don't meant to say that you should start a fight about it, but the fact that she is whisking your fiance off is really strange. But EMT Kid is right, if you fight, you will look bad. I'm just sorry you have to go through it. The thing that makes it hard is that it probably hurts you that she is hurting and you naturally want to be with her helping her.

One thing I've come to realize is that when something bad happens to someone we care about, even if we were in no way involved, something bad has also happened to us. So it's natural to need some form of consolation yourself, that consolation usually being taking care of the other person and them accepting that care. Maybe that's what funerals are about, at least people feel like they can sit with the grieving person and say they're sorry, that's a form of caring for them.

I hope it works out ok for you both.

Can you and your parents fly or drive to where your fiancee and her parents are? Or maybe just yourself fly up there?

And you generally just want to be there with her and for her. Be ready to give a hug if she needs it. Talk little and listen much.

Also take some time for yourself. That can be tricky for someone who's in a temporary caretaker role, but it's important, too.

Sweet Pea hugs

Thanks for the advice, everyone. I'm trying not to make this about me, but about what's best for her. It does worry me a bit that I've barely been able to contact her. I tried texting her to see how she was doing with her friends and to say good night, but she didn't text back. I had to call her. Then I saw her on Facebook this morning and tried talking to her. She said good morning, but then logged out. It's like she's avoiding me. Do you think that talking to me makes her more upset? I hope she's alright.

When she needs space, go ahead and give her space. At the same time, be available. This is a fine line, and most likely you will make mistakes, as we all would in such a difficult time. Just be gracious and matter-of-fact about the mistakes, and continue with the course of being there, especially when needed, but not over doing it.

Please do try to attend the funeral if at all possible for the purpose of paying your respects. Even though you didn't know her well, she is the mother of your fiancee and for this reason, this is an important service. Consider simply respectfully telling your fiancee that you wish to attend the service with her, and be aware if she vetoes the idea, although she probably won't. Let her know that you want to attend. And it's worth spending some money for a plane ticket if you have the money to spend.