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wozeree
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19 Feb 2014, 12:37 am

I think you are going too deep with this. Just say How ya doing as you are walking past (as somebody already said). They don't want an answer, but if you want to have a small conversation you can always say something like, All this snow is really getting to me. And they'll either say, Yeah it sucks or I love snow maybe with a little story why they do and then the conversation will be over.

Think about the alternative, just looking straight ahead and ignoring everyone you walk past like Eccles said. That would lead to a sterile environment. It's not a big deal.



opal
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19 Feb 2014, 12:49 am

BirdInFlight wrote:
Although I "conform" a bit more now, I've had a lifelong discomfort with greetings also. When I was young I felt like "Good morning" was weird and it felt forced when I started my first job and found that it was the done thing for everyone to say "Good morning!" to everyone else or it would be rude not to. I'm not sure we even did that in my family's house, although I'm not sure what exactly we said instead.

And I have no idea why it felt so awkward to me. It just seemed like a social convention that seemed forced and odd to me. Now in middle age of course I've had a lifetime of just getting on with saying those greetings anyway, but I still feel weird with "Hi, how are you?" and it took me until I was about 45 years old to learn that the question is not literal and I'm supposed to give some bullshit answer!

Greetings ARE weird and fake-ish. But I guess it's just what one must do so as not to appear rude. I totally get where you're coming from though.


I HATE "How are you?" spoken by someone who is going to keep walking right past you, and really doesn't care, so why ask? Sometimes I answer truthfully, sometimes I say " fine" which may or may not be a complete lie, but most often I just say "Hello" and avoid the question; which seems evasive and dishonest; but considering they don't care and are going to keep walking regardless....
:eew:



kifotv
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19 Feb 2014, 3:08 am

wozeree wrote:
Think about the alternative, just looking straight ahead and ignoring everyone you walk past like Eccles said. That would lead to a sterile environment. It's not a big deal.

It's not really a big deal, but it is exhausting, especially when you have to do it 40-50+ times a day. When I am out of mental power, I figure what little energy I have is best focused on not crying/screaming/hurting myself, not some nonsense to keep other people happy. Even being occasionally painful, it's still fun sometimes, and it helps people remember me, and in turn remember things I like/don't like, maybe even go a little easier, so that's a plus...

...still would rather do without it though, if I could



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19 Feb 2014, 4:16 am

I hate pointless greetings. It's quite common to drop a 'good morning' over here to practically everyone you see in the streets (at mornings, that is) but I always tend to question if I responded well enough. Sometimes I blurt out a 'hi' instead of 'good morning' and end up feeling like I got it wrong. Or the other way around, with the same result. I like rainy or cold days. Lots of hat options and noone's questioning why you keep staring down :P

And I loathe 'how are you' so much! Don't ask if you don't want me to answer, alrighty? Just 'hello' will do.

(I usually don't fret about this too much. I know I suck at it so yeah, whatever)



GivePeaceAChance
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19 Feb 2014, 5:48 am

opal wrote:
BirdInFlight wrote:
Although I "conform" a bit more now, I've had a lifelong discomfort with greetings also. When I was young I felt like "Good morning" was weird and it felt forced when I started my first job and found that it was the done thing for everyone to say "Good morning!" to everyone else or it would be rude not to. I'm not sure we even did that in my family's house, although I'm not sure what exactly we said instead.

And I have no idea why it felt so awkward to me. It just seemed like a social convention that seemed forced and odd to me. Now in middle age of course I've had a lifetime of just getting on with saying those greetings anyway, but I still feel weird with "Hi, how are you?" and it took me until I was about 45 years old to learn that the question is not literal and I'm supposed to give some bullshit answer!

Greetings ARE weird and fake-ish. But I guess it's just what one must do so as not to appear rude. I totally get where you're coming from though.


I HATE "How are you?" spoken by someone who is going to keep walking right past you, and really doesn't care, so why ask? Sometimes I answer truthfully, sometimes I say " fine" which may or may not be a complete lie, but most often I just say "Hello" and avoid the question; which seems evasive and dishonest; but considering they don't care and are going to keep walking regardless....
:eew:


yes this

I can manage the - just smile or nod or perfunctory "hi" these all make some sort of sense in that we acknowledge people exist outside ourselves

but out and out lying to me "how are you?" implies you want to know, when really you don't care at all but if I lie you pound me like I am the worst thing in the world - be consistent people or leave me alone!


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BirdInFlight
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19 Feb 2014, 9:08 am

GivePeaceAChance wrote:

but out and out lying to me "how are you?" implies you want to know, when really you don't care at all but if I lie you pound me like I am the worst thing in the world - be consistent people or leave me alone!


Oh man! This reminds me of someone I know whom I visit once a week. She's one of these very honest, upfront, almost aggressively "aware" people who is into everyone being "honest." I think she had an evasive, screwed up family life whenyoung, or something, because she's obsessed with the opposite, is studying to become a counselor/therapist, etc.

So, one day we're talking about stuff and she mentions how sickened she is by "People who are not being their authentic self" and people who fake being happy when really they're not, etc. She goes on and on about authenticity and honesty. She mentions the standard "OH I'M FINE THANKS!" response to the whole "How are you greeting," and how much she hates that.

I agree with her that the tacit contract to always say "I'm fine! when you're not is burdensome.

So I make a mental note that I CAN actually be honest with her, since she apparently appreciates "real" replies to questions like that, and apparently hates the standard lies as much as I do.

So, when I arrive every week, and she says "Hi, how have you been?" I actually reply with how I really am. I say thing like, "really tired, I'm not having a good week," or "Meh, so so," or other truthful things. Thinking she would be really digging the "realness," right?

Wrong!

I do read some facial and body language well enough to get the impression that someone is pissed off -- and she started to really give me some pissed off reactions! She started avoiding me, rushing off to something she'd been doing in another room when I arrived, and also just going "Hi." Then picking up her phone and staring into it.

I realized she was as phony about wanting a "real" answer to the "How've you been?" greeting as the rest of the world.

I couldn't win -- I had thought I was being real the way she said she appreciated, but she turns out to be as superficial in that greeting as the people she complains about.

So.....I go back to social convention....and start again with responding "Oh, I'm fine".

And now.....she's pissed off at that too! She looks at me with hostility as if she realizes it's not "authentic."

What does this woman WANT??

Sorry for the rant....I just don't get what's really expected of me, and I'm 52. You'd think I'd have it figured out but people like her seem to want things both ways.

I can't be "authentic" AND say "Oh I'm fine." Because honestly, most of the time I'm not truly "fine" on any level.


.



GivePeaceAChance
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19 Feb 2014, 10:07 am

BirdInFlight wrote:
GivePeaceAChance wrote:

but out and out lying to me "how are you?" implies you want to know, when really you don't care at all but if I lie you pound me like I am the worst thing in the world - be consistent people or leave me alone!


Oh man! This reminds me of someone I know whom I visit once a week. She's one of these very honest, upfront, almost aggressively "aware" people who is into everyone being "honest." I think she had an evasive, screwed up family life whenyoung, or something, because she's obsessed with the opposite, is studying to become a counselor/therapist, etc.

So, one day we're talking about stuff and she mentions how sickened she is by "People who are not being their authentic self" and people who fake being happy when really they're not, etc. She goes on and on about authenticity and honesty. She mentions the standard "OH I'M FINE THANKS!" response to the whole "How are you greeting," and how much she hates that.

I agree with her that the tacit contract to always say "I'm fine! when you're not is burdensome.

So I make a mental note that I CAN actually be honest with her, since she apparently appreciates "real" replies to questions like that, and apparently hates the standard lies as much as I do.

So, when I arrive every week, and she says "Hi, how have you been?" I actually reply with how I really am. I say thing like, "really tired, I'm not having a good week," or "Meh, so so," or other truthful things. Thinking she would be really digging the "realness," right?

Wrong!

I do read some facial and body language well enough to get the impression that someone is pissed off -- and she started to really give me some pissed off reactions! She started avoiding me, rushing off to something she'd been doing in another room when I arrived, and also just going "Hi." Then picking up her phone and staring into it.

I realized she was as phony about wanting a "real" answer to the "How've you been?" greeting as the rest of the world.

I couldn't win -- I had thought I was being real the way she said she appreciated, but she turns out to be as superficial in that greeting as the people she complains about.

So.....I go back to social convention....and start again with responding "Oh, I'm fine".

And now.....she's pissed off at that too! She looks at me with hostility as if she realizes it's not "authentic."

What does this woman WANT??

Sorry for the rant....I just don't get what's really expected of me, and I'm 52. You'd think I'd have it figured out but people like her seem to want things both ways.

I can't be "authentic" AND say "Oh I'm fine." Because honestly, most of the time I'm not truly "fine" on any level.


.


I am not that way, for random people either I ignore them or am perfunctory because I actually could not care about their day or life (I hope they have people who do care but I cannot be burdened to talk to everyone)

but for those I know, when I see them and ask how they are - this is a chance to totally unload, I may ask if we can go sit down if my feet hut but that is all

even when I was out feeding homeless, one started talking about really random stuff, I listened - I may have been the first halfway concerned person he had come across in months and by handing him a meal I opened the chance for dialog.


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ImAnAspie
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19 Feb 2014, 11:10 am

I can relate to that. I don't really care about how peoples' days are going. It's useless information and it only wastes my time. If I'm in a shopping centre and I see one of the few people I know (neighbours etc.) I'll duck for cover. It's uncomfortable trying to make conversation with someone you hardly know and couldn't give a tinker's how their hemorrhoids are going.

I'd rather a shopping centre full of cats.


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CockneyRebel
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19 Feb 2014, 12:43 pm

coffeebean wrote:
I like it. It's much better than being of no value to someone I want to talk about their special interest.


I feel the same way. I greet everyone and I also wish to be greeted.


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19 Feb 2014, 12:59 pm

BirdInFlight wrote:
What does this woman WANT??


I have had some experience in dealing with people who are themselves on a tough self-improvement path. If she had a troubled family background, and reacts strongly in inauthentic response, then I would assume she is still dealing with a lot of emotional baggage.

I might think she has some dissonance going on. Her intellect tells her to want authenticity, but when she gets it she is emotionally unable to handle it. I do not envy her; it must be heck to live inside that kind of mental / emotional confusion.

In short, I might see it as her issue, not mine.



hanyo
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19 Feb 2014, 6:26 pm

I pretty much never greet people first. I sometimes reply if they greet me first.



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19 Feb 2014, 9:04 pm

The hate of my life.


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19 Feb 2014, 9:43 pm

Geez, guys, just throw the dog a bone!

I have short programs in my head that I run. Someone says, "How are you?" So I say, "I'm doing great! How are you?" Then they respond, then I say, "That's super," or "I'm so sorry," or "Well, hang in there." That's it. Program executed. So what is the big deal?



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19 Feb 2014, 9:58 pm

Greetings seem to be important for some reason. Personally, I get nothing from them and they are annoying, but (as had been said) pretending you don't see someone seems impolite. So I acknowledge everyone I pass in some way, even if it's only eye-contact. If it turns into spontaneous chitchat I go with a topic we are likely to have in common (like the weather.)


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19 Feb 2014, 10:19 pm

The urge to greet 'stuff' isn't just a human quirk, NT or otherwise. I seems to be true of all social animals.

Example, my cats greet me when I come home, even if they already have access to food. The same is true when I visit dog-owning friends, I can barely get through the door and say "hello" to the human inhabitants before I'm greeted by a wagging tail and Fido trying to sniff my nuts.

It could be worse, folks. It could be much, much worse.
Imagine not being greeted by a customary "hello!" by your fellow human, and instead, being subjected to a good old arse sniffing, nuzzling, and rubbing.

I know what I'd prefer.



hyena
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19 Feb 2014, 10:47 pm

It requires fake smiling. If you do not, others take offense. I would rather sniff someone's ass than fake facial expressions lol