[ No Poll ] Be Right or Feel Good?

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After the umptieth time of being disbelieved even though I'm telling the truth, I finally realized that in order to convince people that I am right about anything, I must first put them in a positive mood.

While I have no empirical evidence to support this claim, here are some subjective observations that I've made:

• Happy people are more easily convinced than grumpy people.
  
• Comfortable people are more easily convinced than uncomfortable people.
  
• Well-fed people are more easily convinced than hungry people.
  
• People who own their own cars and homes are more easily convinced than people who rent either or both.

Again, I have no real proof of these observations; so I'm wondering if anyone else has noticed the same things; and before anyone makes a reference to "Captain Obvious", please remember that I'm a 57 year old person with HFA who prefers the company of process systems to people.

So, does it make sense to you that if you want to convince someone that your point-of-view is more correct than theirs, you must first "butter them up" with praise, compliments, high-carb snacks, and the impression that you find them incredibly attractive?

No, because if you appear insincere in your praise or flattery that will make people distrust you, as if you are only praising them because you want something out of them. People think you are honest if you sincerely believe in what you say.

The above 3 are well known by sales reps. It's why the reps often either bring food to the place they hope to make the sale or bring their prospective clients to retaurants. I've known this going in to the restaurant and consciously steel myself not to be persuaded but can feel it getting harder and harder as the meal progresses. (Spoiler- I did keep up my resolve not to make impulsive decisions but it was a struggle)


Here I suppose it depends entirely on what you are trying to convince them of.


A time honored technique is Sandwiching. You find things to praise about their point of view then present yours as more correct then add a little more praise about theirs.


examples
praise their argument as well researched............but your argument has points their research missed
praise their argument as an example of passionate commitment........but your argument is more logical
praise their argument as logical.....but yours has more research to back it up which refutes the seemingly logical points





high carb snacks work best if you are selling something. People in the midst of digesting carbs are not at their sharpest




only if you yourself are also incredibly attractive- people get skeeved out when somebody they find unattractive is considering them attractive

I reckon that people are generally a lot more patient after eating a nice big dinner.

I have also seen reports of studies that having chocolate on a conference table helps meetings go better. I have used this myself to good effect in meetings and sales presentations. Chocolate is chock full of yummy methylxanthines that keep everyone in a good mood. I am bemused at how often chocolate appears on attorney's conference tables at real estate closings. In other words, chocolates help close deals, whatever form of negotiation is in play.

Another technique I have been taught and applied effective is "Yes, and". When someone says something that I do not fully agree with, that I think is incomplete, or I want to offer an alternate or additional perspective, instead of saying "Yes, but....", by instead saying "Yes, and...." my view is not presented as contradictory to but instead building upon their idea. What they said is acknowledged and validated, and they are less likely to become defensive and perhaps be more open to my thoughts.

The "Yes, and..." sentence map was taught and followed extensively at my employer, and it truly did seem to keep a more positive atmosphere in staff meetings and so on.

Hmm...

So ... for all of those members who submit "How do I get a date?" posts, these basic sales techniques might work ...

Open with humor.

Provide (or offer to provide) a free meal in a comfortable and secure venue.

Follow their objections with understanding why ... but they'll be missing a free meal ... at this great place you know ... and they don't have to return the favor ...

Interesting post (my opening Honestly it is an interesting post ) To support the idea that communication glides better when eating, notice often when you're in public how when one person starts eating of their own accord, soon another will likely start eating too. When a person eats it means their defenses are down and everyone else picks up on it and lower their defenses too.

Do you think NT people pick up on this kind of stuff subconsciously? Something like this would never have occurred to me unless someone pointed it out.

my problem is - I have zero capability to improve peoples happiness, only seem to make situations worse & less comfortable

and feeding does not work, everyone eats stuff I won't touch




most people this much richer than I am have such a low opinion of people like me, I don't talk to them IRL and I block them online. and I have found rich people to be more of jerks than poor, people on the lower end have been far more compassionate to me. They actually understand suffering.

Last edited by GivePeaceAChance on 21 Feb 2014, 8:40 am, edited 1 time in total.

No, you dont need to explicitly "butter them up". But its simply an known fact, that being able to understand someone elses motivation or emotions, is easier for humans and goes more automatical, if there is some sort of sympathy between the individuals.

If the only form of sympathy that you manage to acchieve in someone, are of the unemotional kind, by buying them stuff. then you will be forced to do so. In general there are as well other forms to cause sympathy in someone, as example by respecting them, the way you treat them, listening to their reason why they have another oppinion about something, as you wish them to listen to yours, ...

If you dont give a f**k about someone, why waste your time with listening to him/her, about something that bothers him? As well that always relying to "butter people up to acchieve sympathy" can go wrong as well. I hate nothing more then that typical insurance guys tactics from the catalogue like "Ask customer about spended holidays? = causing person to think of something happy for him and feel more comfortable = increasing sympathy for you and the products you want to sell."

My take: Yes.

And those that do it more successfully are those that are often more adept at making friends and influencing people. But it need not be subconscious; I have been through lots of sales training where these things are taught, practiced through role play, with the role play being videotaped for later evaluations and group / instructor feedback.

As an Aspie, I reveled in this sort of training. It provided empirically proven, step-by-step formulae for improving my interpersonal effectiveness. When my innate social abilities failed me during meetings, my Aspie mind would kick into overdrive remembering methodologies for how to act and otherwise proceed. For me it can be much like Sheldon Cooper's (Big Bang Theory) infamous flowchart on how to make friends.

I have discovered that this is nothing new; I am just late learning it (duh). Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends and Influence People" has been a bestseller since 1936, and has training centers around the U.S. where NT's pay money to learn how to do better at this. So even NT"s often consciously work hard on improving their interpersonal skills; I remind myself that as an Aspie I might be well advised to do the same. For those studiously inclined (like me) Amazon.com offers a treasure trove of resources for how to interact more effectively.

they actually WORK at being insincere and deceptive, perfect, I knew I hated NT people for a reason

It relies on your intention, if its about insincere and deceptive, or simply wanting to communicate easier with other people.

I read as well some books about "violant-free communication" from the author Rosenberg, someone working as mediator. My intention was less about becoming "insincere and deceptive" but to reduce needless conflicts with my partner, based on misunderstandings, because of our different ways of communication. So for me my intention to raise my possibility to understand other peoples emotions and motivations, and try not to automatically denie them, if their oppinion dont agree with mine. As well as about learning and understanding what other people need to be able to understand my own oppinions and emotions.

To work on your own for that, is as well a necessary part. If someone mentions something, that does not agree with your own oppinion about an topic, and you think automatically: "Boah...what the hell, are you ret*d? How can you believe in such a s**t." then this thinking of yours, will as well reflect in the way you are talking and acting. Its simply an form of aggressitivity, and the opposite will feel that aggressitivity in you.

Now if you meet someone aggressive towards you, its simply an basic instinct of us to go into "defend/battle"-modus. When in that modus, you automatically care for the stuff that is important for defending yourself: Mentioning attacks and fighting them back. While other stuff becomes less priority to you. So if you are aggressively talking to someone, and force him to be in defend/battle modus, your opposite will focus on finding the attacks in what you say, not about what you say in general. That leaves from: "No. You are completely wrong in what you think. Thats totally weird. Because of *mentioning facts*..." only the negative stuff in the persons memory.

So feeling comfortable is a big necessity, if you want to discuss with someone, to allow this person to listen to all your words without any pressure, instead of being forced to fight against attacks.

That might be an advantage if you are an carrier-guy or insurance-guy, working on being insincere and deceptive on purpose. But is as well of advantage, if your purpose is simply to reduce conflicts in your relationship, and male yourself more able to understand others and act less aggressive towards them.

inn most cases like this if they are too far from me, I try to agree to disagree, if they refuse, walk away or block. I have been backed into too many corners, bullied and actually had my life forced into doing things I never wanted to by too many people to put up with this.




as I said I walk away, if actually really attacked I can defend myself since I have had defense training since my last rape.



I avoid these people, I buy what I need when I need it, when I encounter anyone trying to convince me I want/nee/desire something I never thought of I again walk away/change the channel/fast forward DVR whatever.

So what I gather from this is, if I ask for advice on how to get a date, Fnord will buy me a meal. Do I get repeated meals for asking repeatedly?

it actually works that way if he is getting something in exchange, the ability to preach his beliefs at you and you seem responsive or any such thing that he sees rewarding (i.e. - the manipulation if worked properly is two way)