NT interested in a guy who may have AS--please help!

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NinsMom
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25 Feb 2014, 10:00 pm

yournamehere wrote:
For the record. When I was young, I was a party ANIMAL! I hung around social crowds, and made soo many parties that I do not want another one. I was around soo many loud parties, rock concerts, guns, and tools from industrial jobs that I am hard of hearing and have tinnitus. I never got used to it, and now my ears will ring FOREVER! to say we are all antisocial is a bit of a farce. Some of us live and grow up around alot of people, parties, drugs, and completely non antisocial environments. It makes us different, yet some things remain the same.


I spent over a decade in a none-stop party. I did drugs (pot, hash & a lot of acid) & drank a fair bit, went to bars, & had a lot of like-minded friends in my 20's.
The funny thing is, a lot of the time I'd find myself kind of looking down @ myself from another very quiet place, & wondering "What the hell am I doing there ?" It wasn't just the drugs or the alcohol. It was getting out of a place I was never really comfortable in. People used to think that I was the only sober/straight person in the room. They were right. :lol: I was never comfortable enough in a crowd to get wrecked in the way that others could. I spent a lot of my time as Safety Officer, Mistress of the Car Keys, & Duchess of the Tea & Coffee.



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25 Feb 2014, 10:16 pm

Aspendos wrote:
yournamehere wrote:
For the record. When I was young, I was a party ANIMAL! I hung around social crowds, and made soo many parties that I do not want another one. I was around soo many loud parties, rock concerts, guns, and tools from industrial jobs that I am hard of hearing and have tinnitus. I never got used to it, and now my ears will ring FOREVER! to say we are all antisocial is a bit of a farce. Some of us live and grow up around alot of people, parties, drugs, and completely non antisocial environments. It makes us different, yet some things remain the same.


Talk to me when you got a diagnosis. Thanks. Until then, your experience is not the norm for people on the spectrum.


No, and your welcome. :hic: . I have a diagnosed hfa friend who was with me quite a bit. I will be in his wedding soon. (My experierience is not norm for the spectrum)??? Soo you are just going to stereotype experience, and tell me what normal is for a person with autism, HFA, or AS?? I'm sorry if I offended you sir. You hurt my feelings. You should hear my mother rant when I tell her I want to get a diagnosis. HAHAHA! She would have NEVER! omg. You have no idea :? .



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26 Feb 2014, 2:55 am

OP's post makes me want to cry... and i think this thread is what brings out the reasons why we aspies have a hard time with social interactions.... gossips and rumors about bad sexual allegations can really destroy self confidence.

Sure i had a few bad minor stuff happen to me... but was i arrested and charged? no

if people spread rumors about me that could destroy my chances on having a successful life or relationship, i just want to either hurt myself or move out of my home city and probably start all over again... even if i don't have a decent income to make that happen


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26 Feb 2014, 9:24 am

Short on time, so I will be curt ....

You met a guy in a bar.... skip all the rest.

I came to the conclusion a long time ago that attempting to meet someone for the purposes of a long term relationship at a bar is pointless.

Or as I put it, "Kitties and alcohol don't mix", and on at least four occasions in my life that I can think of off the top of my head, including "whiskey dick". Its one or the other, not both.



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26 Feb 2014, 1:42 pm

Hahahaha!! !! !!



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01 Mar 2014, 1:36 pm

Thank you so much for the responses, everyone! It has given me a lot to think about. I ended up confronting him via a longish text the next day. Texting is not ideal but I figured it was better than putting him on the spot with a random phone call and I didn't want to wait to address it until the next time I saw him in person--like I said before (I think), it felt dishonest to have this on my mind without letting him in. So I told him very directly (but neutrally, I hope?) that I'd heard this thing about him and I wanted to talk about it a little whenever he was ready. We did end up speaking by phone later that day, and after talking about it really extensively, I'm pretty sure that what I'd heard was some kind of mistake, or just people being mean. I got the impression that this has happened to him before, and that sucks. He hasn't given me any reason not to trust him, so I'm making the conscious decision to take his word for it. Not sure exactly what will happen now, but we've seen each other once since having that conversation and it was pretty good! I like him and I want to see where it goes.

MadeUnderground wrote:
I also will admit that when I see someone say things that allude to, "I wouldn't put up with this if he was NT, but since he's AS it's okay" is kind of insulting to me, as I see it a lot on these forums from NT's seeking help with their AS partners.

I really want to apologize for coming across this way. I can absolutely see why that's insulting, and it's not what I intended at all. My thought was that if I had more information about the situation, it would help me to respond to it more appropriately and with more empathy. So definitely not as simple as "Oh, it's totally OK with me now since I know this about you" but instead "Now that I know this about you, I will be better able to understand where you're coming from and effectively communicate to you that it's not OK with me." I hope that makes sense. I don't mean to sound like I'm making excuses for my insensitive phrasing, though. Thanks for calling me out.

NinsMom wrote:
The fact that you met him in a bar doesn't sound like any one of the above things. Too much noise, too many people, music too loud, too many distractions. That's also not a good place for shy people or those with social anxiety disorders.

I should have specified this before, but the only reason we met at a bar was because we were both there to see a performance. He told me in a later conversation that he doesn't spend much time in bars for pretty much the exact reasons you listed--he finds it overwhelming / hard to focus his thoughts with so much noise, people, distractions, etc. He prefers to spend time with me one-on-one.

qw083 wrote:
Dantac wrote:
Quote:
As in, we've had great conversations, ...

This is the only thing that makes me doubt your suspicions that he has AS. Generally speaking those of us with AS are horrible in conversations.. you would notice some awkwardness and what you could describe as social anxiety mixed with stage fright's 'I forgot my lines' part but without the fear.

You never know... maybe she likes listening to a half hour lecture on astrophysics/pure mathematics/marine mammals. That is, we aren't the best conversationalists, but we do tend to say interesting things (in my opinion, at least).

Haha! You are totally correct, actually. He often speaks for very long stretches of time about certain topics with little self-consciousness about whether he's boring me. I do really enjoy that experience--I'm a very, I dunno, aural-centric person. But yeah, maybe "conversation" is the wrong word.

pilatuspc12 wrote:
When y'all went out with friends to the bar, he was definitely not in his comfort zone. Just being at a bar can be overwhelming, but when you add a group of people that he doesn't know, you get a meltdown. His mind goes blank and he becomes quite. He can't help it. (it happens to me to)

This also sounds quite a lot like the way he described his attitude towards bars. Thanks for your whole response--lots of insights! I especially like the idea of making a more oblique but positive reference to AS just to establish that I'm nonjudgmental person (or at least try to be as much as possible).

mfs1013 wrote:
OP's post makes me want to cry... and i think this thread is what brings out the reasons why we aspies have a hard time with social interactions.... gossips and rumors about bad sexual allegations can really destroy self confidence.

Sorry that I caused that reaction. :( This is why it was especially important to me to try to cut through the hearsay and ask him directly. I've had people say shitty things about me in the past too, so why would I immediately believe everything someone tells me (even if it's someone I typically trust)? But I'm not patting myself on the back for trying to be the bare minimum of a decent person.



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01 Mar 2014, 3:49 pm

michael517 wrote:
Short on time, so I will be curt ....

You met a guy in a bar.... skip all the rest.

I came to the conclusion a long time ago that attempting to meet someone for the purposes of a long term relationship at a bar is pointless.

Or as I put it, "Kitties and alcohol don't mix", and on at least four occasions in my life that I can think of off the top of my head, including "whiskey dick". Its one or the other, not both.

Believe it or not, my parents not only met in a bar/nightclub, but both were practically dragged there against their will by friends and had never been to one before! My mother just turned age (18 at the time). Otherwise I would agree meeting a life partner at a bar is a terrible idea. Way too many uber-social people who are just looking for a good time, not a relationship.



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01 Mar 2014, 5:27 pm

It depends on what your friends told you. You met him in a bar, flirting, so that says a lot about him.

If they told you he has a reputation on being a womanizer, bail, now. You can't change him and you'll be after another notch on his belt. If they just say he's "weird" well, he probably is, get to know him, I'd bet his weirdness is attractive.


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17 Mar 2014, 11:45 am

Hello again--I've been lurking a lot on this website a great deal lately, so I wanted to share another update on this situation!

I have been seeing this guy about 1-2x/week since we met. After the fifth time we went out, we ended up going a bit further sexually than I think we were both truly comfortable with (hormones :oops: ) so after some awkwardness / drop in communication, we had a pretty long talk about how things are going. We're going to take it reeeeaaaally slooooowwly from now on and focus on getting to know each other as people, which is exactly what I want. The past few times I've seen him, we had some chaste pecks and hand-holding, but it's a relief to know that neither of us is in a rush to start a serious relationship.

He also confirmed to me (in passing) that he was diagnosed as being somewhere on the autism spectrum by school counselors when he was a kid. I didn't pry into the extent to which he identifies as AS now, but I really appreciate that he shared this with me. I also want to reiterate how grateful I am for this website! This is all very new to me, but as I'm getting to know him better I think I'm learning how to read him more appropriately and not take his quirks personally. It also helps to recognize how much he's been affected by harmful gossip and bullying like the situation that originally inspired this thread. I know that I'm a trustworthy person who means well, but he doesn't. So for now I'm just really, really enjoying his company and hoping to build a good foundation for whatever is "blossoming" (his word, hah) between us.

I feel like a complete dork talking about it--mostly because I don't want to jinx anything--but I have a warm fuzzy feeling about him that is really unusual for me. :D But it didn't feel right to spend so much time on here without contributing anything, so here I am!

Thanks again to everyone who gave feedback on this thread. Hope it's OK for me to stick around here and participate in these discussions.



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17 Mar 2014, 8:04 pm

I do believe - especially given his autism spectrum diagnosis (even just as a kid) - that the rumors of creepiness were indeed based on innocent, clueless off-putting mannerisms. I myself have, in the past, maneuvered to be near attractive women without striking up conversations with them (out of nerves) which I now understand is creepy. I've NEVER noticed anyone "creeping" on me in this manner to this day.


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19 Mar 2014, 1:34 pm

I am an NT married to a man with AS. When I first met him 9 years ago, I thought he was weird and a little off but we became friends anyway. After each of us having a failed marriage, we came together and started dating and just recently got married. There is no "fixing" him. You either love him for who he is or leave him be. My husband is such a sweetheart and would do anything for our family. If your friends talk s**t all of the time about people, that shows what lame asses they are. You need to figure things out on your own. Aspies are socially awkward which makes them a target to be made fun of. Its hard for them t work in most environments and they usually have sensory issues. If you cant handle this, then you shouldn't be with him anymore. He deserves to be respected just as you would.