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Joined: 10 May 2005
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,241

27 Feb 2014, 7:32 pm

When I was writing a narrative of the psychotic episode I had when I was 14, I was thinking about how I felt as the antipsychotics kicked in. Slowly but surely, the delusions grew less and less interesting, more "boring," until I wasn't thinking about them at all. This was disappointing at first, but I felt more relaxed afterward, like the chaos had come to an end. I began pursuing narrow interests again (starting with the geographical history of Europe and Africa in the 19th and 20th centuries) and, as my psychiatrist noted, I started talking like a "little professor," with the antipsychotics helping with the "worst eccentricities of thought."

I remember when I went off the antipsychotics finally at 17, I felt this strange squirming in my stomach for a few days; I also felt that my thoughts and feelings had gotten "weird" again, but it's really hard to go into much detail beyond that--like, I can't explain what made them "weird." I wondered if I was doing the right thing and did fear a relapse, but I would not relapse, the feelings of "weirdness" would either fade into the background or I would get used to them*, and here I am today.

*Then again, for the past several years (before I even started to go back and reflect on my illness), if I stay up late at night posting on the Internet and then go to sleep, after waking up I will look back on what I wrote and I'll be like that was really weird, though I could not identify exactly what was wrong with what I wrote; later, I would stop thinking that, but somewhere deep inside me would wonder if I was going crazy again and that I should fight the point of view I had taken on the Internet the previous night and resist it and slam it down. There was something "wrong" and "crazy" about what I had written. I had "exposed" myself as a madwoman (EDIT: or as stupid, as a liar, as unreliable, as too biased, as a hypocrite, as too obsessed, as too deluded, as deluded by obsession, etc.) by writing them and wanted to take what I had written back. Objectively speaking, however, I could find nothing wrong with what I wrote.

"You have a responsibility to consider all sides of a problem and a responsibility to make a judgment and a responsibility to care for all involved." --Ian Danskin