Confused about what people want or think they want.

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You are supposed to know what you want from a relationship, & the traits you want in the other person. Do you? I supposedly do, but I think they may be unrealistic. I don't think in & of themselves they are overly demanding, but I doubt that I'm ever going to meet anybody remotely like that.
So what do you think? Do you "settle" for someone a whole lot less than what you think you need?
I've had a few conversations lately with friends who say, "Settle". But the same friends will say that They wouldn't settle, or may say something that suggests that, 'That person isn't right /good enough for you".
I'm not really interested in 'settling'. It seems like it's that situation where you just want to get out & be with someone. If it's understood to be platonic, that's o.k., but most people will drop you even as a friend if they want more out of the relationship than you are prepared to give. Sleeping with someone to maintain a friendship is wrong IMHO, & pretty disgusting.
My life is fairly calm, & stable, if not really boring. But I'm sure I really don't want to get into the politics & jockeying for position in a serious relationship. It seems like a whole lot of stress & aggravation for a doubtful outcome.
I'm not into a sexual relationship without a lot of ' liking' & some shared history involved.
People don't seem to break up & Then look for somebody else. They seem to be constantly 'shopping' & slide from one relationship into another. Nobody seems to take a break anymore to consider what went wrong & what they will do next time to avoid that.
It seems to me that a lot of the people who post here are also 'gun shy', discouraged, introverted, & are not very self confident. They may think they want a relationship, but it draws them too far out of their comfort zone.
I think if Johnny Depp walked into the room right now, & asked me out, I'd probably just yelp & try to hide behind the sofa.

Any thoughts?

I might be in the process of "settling" with the girl I am dating right now... then again I got a good look at myself today and maybe I'm the one getting the bargain.

Lols! Thanks for the insight. I hope you 2 have a great & long relationship. You are both lucky to have each other.

Of course you would yelp and hide, only a criminal would break into your room like this.

I don't think he'd get into the room. The dog would have him cornered @ the front door.
You have not really said how you feel about dating & attempting (if you are) to get into a serious relationship.
Do you consider it to be worth the hassle?
I think 1st dates are more stressful than job interviews, because you are judged on a lot more personal stuff, & a lot more things.

I think when people are looking at relationships in terms of something they are or aren't trying to settle for, they're often looking at them in a way that's dehumanizing. You're not buying a new toaster with bonus features that can toast your bread exactly how you want it while playing your favorite Katy Perry track, you're committing to a physically and emotionally intimate relationship with another human being who has flaws and needs.

Which isn't to say that there should be no standards when it comes to being a decent human being and a complementary person to be around, but the way people often talk about sex and relationships makes me cringe. I think it's part of why I was so hesitant to be involved with anyone before my current boyfriend. I was always afraid of dating someone who'd be judging my offerings, sexuality, and appearance like a product, trying to pinpoint my value to them with a rating system, missing all the women they're not with while dating me, and analyzing my every move down to the time between my texts. How am I supposed to fall in love with that?!

I once read that the best relationships are between people who both think they lucked out when they started dating their partner, though. That definitely describes us.

I think it is an age thing. I only started thinking about dating a few months ago. I didn't have the self-esteem or time to do it before that. I've done my homework though. I know the traits I want in a partner, when I will have sex and when I won't, things that I will absolutely not tolerate, and what to reasonably expect out of a long-term relationship. I don't think most people my age have done their homework. I get this impression by looking at the profiles of women on okcupid. The only ones that are realistic about what they want in a partner are women who are in their mid 30's or older with relationship experience. Younger women are still in that idealistic stage, the fairy tale of what society tells you a relationship is supposed to be. It is totally unrealistic. I personally will not date a woman who is younger than 33 years old.

Also, U.S. society is based on consumerism. The powers-that-be want everything to be a commodity that is monetized. They sell people this fairy tale dream. I call it the Almost Beauty Queen Syndrome. We are constantly fed two opposite messages: 1) You are special and entitled. 2) You could have what you wanted if you did not lack this one specific thing, the thing that I have to sell you. Everybody can't be special. And nobody can have everything.

To the original poster, I don't think you are unrealistic. To me, the healthy type of settling is not letting nit-picky things keep you from being with somebody. Focus on the big things, the things that are important to you. Settle when it comes to the little things. I think it is unhealthy to get in a relationship just to get in a relationship. That is the unhealthy type of settling.

Very well said!

That's very true also. People who appreciate each other & are grateful for the realtionship.

I agree with all you have said.
Now if the interest I'm getting wasn't so 'inappropriate'. 'Nothing with a future, not even present in the present. Think I'll stay home until the weather breaks.

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I don't mean to presume, Eureka, but you & I are kind of in the same age bracket, & in the same situation; the loss of a long time partner. Do you ever get discouraged, in that you are not consciously looking for someone like the person you lost, but you can't help making comparisons. I don't think I'm looking @ my late husband through rose coloured glasses, but really...Neither of us were perfect by any means, but what I see "out there"..hmmmmm....NOPE!
I'm not interested at all in attached men, be it G.F., wife, or S.O. but there seem to be a lot of wandering underpants around. It's probably no different than it ever was, but it's still effing insulting.
Sometimes I wonder if "It's me"? Am I giving off those vibes?

Well, I stopped looking when I realized that I really was looking for a clone of my late fiance. I'm totally not ready to be dating yet (how long has it been since you lost your partner?). But I do fear that if/when I am, I am still going to be comparing everyone to him. He wasn't perfect, either (nor am I), but he was about as perfect FOR ME as I could possibly imagine. He was brilliant, and that was one of his first attractions for me. That and his sense of humor. I didn't initially think he was that good-looking. Eventually, I thought he was most remarkably handsome man in the world.

The things I loved most about him, though, were that he and I "fit" together so well. Our brains worked exactly the same (we always knew what the other was thinking and more often than not either completed each other sentences or said exactly the same thing at exactly the same time), and our senses of humor were identical. Being with him was not like being with anyone else I've ever known - instead of being tiring, it was energizing. I could be completely myself. Quite possibly it was a totally narcissistic relationship because we saw so much of ourselves in each other. That sort of connection is what I might eventually be looking for, and I don't know if I'll ever find it.

And I'm with you on the "wandering underpants" thing. There does seem to be a lot of it out there, and I am sooooooo not interested - not even under the guise (on his part) of friendship.

I'm sorry, I can't remember if you have talked about being on any of the online dating sites......are you? I am, and my profile is now off-putting enough that I'm basically only getting contacted by scammers (or men who can't/don't read my profile). I have hammered pretty hard on the "just friends" and "still pining for a lost love" parts. I have made a few "friends" in the sense that I have very casual email conversations with them, some of them fairly regularly, others very sporadically. I expect that as soon as each of them finds someone to actually go out with, I will drop off their radar, and that's fine. At the moment, these "conversations" are about the only social life I have, and it's really enough, for now.

I think many people simply ruin their own life, by wasting tons of thoughts about it, if someone is "good enough" for them, or if there might be something "better" to acchieve, or if their actual partner is the "best possible" partner they will acutally meet in their life to settle down....

Its in my oppinion based on that idiotic romantic movie and fairytale stuff with the "perfect partner" thing and so on.

I was bugging myself a lot, if I actually wanted to settle down with my partner, thought endlessly about his flaws and knows hell what.

The secureness came, when I stopped doing so, and instead simply asked myself, if I was happy living with him the past 12 years. And yop, there were some sh***y days from now and then, but in average I spended most of the days with him in a positive way. And if we managed to get through that few sh***y days in the past, we will be doing so in the future as well.

If you like and love someone, then I´d simply engage with that person. And then force yourself not to bother yourself about thinking what could be, what might be, if you hate this or that rare flaw on your partner, but simply to ask yourself if you are happy with that person in average, if you feel happy coming home to that person most days of the year. (And if the few days, that you are not that happy, still are civilized. So being pissed about something is one thing, being abusive another thing.)

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It's been 9 years plus since I lost my partner (married for almost 30 years) I know I don't look for people who are physically similar (that's actually a turn off & kind'a creepy.) I look for somebody who has a sense of humour, & is a bit off the wall. Irreverent & courageous & someone who respects me, as flawed as I am.
Yes "fitting together" is important! We did not think exactly alike, but shared a lot of traits & we'd be laughing at something together that might not be funny to others. (pompous jerks for instance.)
I don't know if it was narcissistic, but we did share a lot of interests, like animals, outdoors, art & photography. When we were younger we did a lot of dangerous things. Adrenalin junkies. When we started a family, we felt that we had to stop that.

I think the most off putting thing are these disrespectful "hits" by people who are simply sexual opportunists. NO! I'm Not interested in a couple of "kids' in their 20's, or a guy in his 30's that hops his car @ me, & follows me home. 'Not interest either in neighbours with very sick wives, who have treated my family very badly in the past. Now suddenly I get ambushed when I'm gardening with compliments about how "Knowledgeable & Intelligent " I am . Oh Pleeease.
The one man I thought might be great, well that was partially me being an ass. At one of the worst times in my life I reached out, & what I was actually looking for was a lifeline, not a relationship. I couldn't follow up on his terms (a G.F. whom he was living with) , so it ended up with stalking & group stalking . So right now, I doubt my own ability to pick up on cues, & I can't trust people. I've been 'negged' enough times @ this point that I'm thinking I have a choice of getting into something that I don't want to be part of, or just giving up entirely. Giving up sounds a whole lot better,

'Pretty sure the guy is an Aspie with a lot of other problems. I started on this board by asking if any of the stuff that had happened fitted with what might happen with people on the spectrum. People who answered said "Maybe, but he just might be nuts too". All I know was that he was prepared to go to considerable lengths to get what he wanted, (I was never sure of What he did want.) talked to a LOT of people about me, but couldn't talk to
me at all about what I wanted.( @ that point, it was to be left alone.)

I'm going through some physical problems right now, & some severe depression. The stuff that happened in the above paragraph have made things even worse. This is not a good time to even be looking. So I'm not.

I have no social life either, I ended up looking after a parent who was elderly, mentally & physically handicapped solo, after my Husband passed. Never being able to go out ends most of the friendships that I had. E-mails & phone calls just don't do it. When people say, "You had to be there." that is really true.
(I'm still trying to figure out Why people think I lead some kind of "Wild Life". I guess a few good lies are always more interesting than the truth?) So thanks to that B.S., I'm also a local social pariah. Maybe that why all the inappropriate 'offers'?

I doubt that I would do web dating. A friend told me that about 80% of men on there are scam artists. What about the remaining 20% ? How many are asshats?

I looked at 2 local dating web sites., & BOY! We sure have a lot of unattached bikers!! No Kidding! There is a lot of drug use here too. No way I want to be bothered with that.
I think I'm going to get into some interest things with an idea to re-starting a social life, & maybe something will come from that. I'd rather meet somebody with whom I've already got something in common, & I rather have a bit of info on their lives than attempt something blind again & get hurt again. But that's in the future. It's too damn cold right now. (& I'm too damn tired to care.)

Last edited by NinsMom on 06 Mar 2014, 10:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You are lucky to have that kind of long term relationship & so is your partner. Unfortunately, my long time partner died quite a while ago.
I've never had the 'fairly tale' thing in mind. Tthat was never part of my mind set. I doubted in my early years, right life up into my early 20's, until I met my husband that I'd ever be in much of a Really Long Term Relationship. I thought I'd be a long term relationship person, but never forever. I still don't believe in Prince Charming. "Freeman, Decent Human Being" is more like it!

Just once in a blue moon, I'd like to see a little more kindness & bravery, & a whole lot less passive aggressive, pure self interest shown by men. (probably people in general, but since that's not the topic..)

The' settling' thing, I've found to be pretty unsettling. This has been brought up by a few friends. One of those people is now a former friend who said something like: 'Why don't you just settle for some geezer who can make you laugh? " Do you see why she is now a former friend? If I want a 'geezer to make me laugh", I'll get out the last 5 George Carlin comedy DVD's & listen to them. No need for any interaction with a DVD.
I've haven't really started dating yet. Why is it necessary for me to 'settle' @ this early point?! Am I too much of a feeb, too naive, too dumb, to make an attempt? I guess some people I know think so-?
Thanks a bunch. No wonder I have such a confidence deficit.

My reply kind of reminds me of another topic on WP. The poster asked about family members, & friends being overly concerned about their well being, & not being in support of their dating & social lives. So... It's Not just Aspies who get that treatment. You can be NT & get the same thing.

I would argue that a lot of us know what we want, but don't know how to get it.

As far as the rest goes, I know exactly what I'd want in a woman, I could nit-pick and build my perfect, ideal woman, but that's unrealistic. I don't need somebody to be perfect or fit my image of a woman. Settling to me is if I have to think very strongly about something I dislike about a potential partner and forcing myself to overlook it, despite knowing I cannot. I tend not to do that.