Autistic kid wants friends but refuses to compromise...

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zer0netgain
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03 Mar 2014, 10:20 am

LupaLuna wrote:
GOD! This sounds almost like my own personal autobiography.


Yep.

That was painful to read.

I'm not sure what you could have done better.

He said he understood that the dance was a group activity. He should have not started talking about his interests and made more of an effort at the group activities. He probably was interested in having a "captive audience" where people "had to" socialize with him...when really, they did not have to.

Frankly, if he did understand that he was there to do what the GROUP wanted and not what HE wanted, then you should have considered taking him home after he failed to grasp the concept on the second try....preventing him doing more damage to his public reputation among his peers. I can't vouch for how well he would have taken that, though.

***

Then again, to this day when I attend "group functions," I pretty much sit on my own and listen to others talk because I really have no interest in what they want to talk about, and they likewise have no interest in what I want to talk about. I've tried to be more involved in conversations, but other than offering snippets of information on what's the topic of the moment, I don't have deep conversations because I have no interest in the topic. It's helped me to be interested in a diversity of things so that I can at least feign interest better. A guy I know who's not that bright is an excellent listener, and his reasoning is that he loves to listen to others because he never knows what he might learn that he didn't know before...even if he really doesn't understand all of it.

Heck, as a kid, I wanted to joint the Cub Scouts so badly more because I thought it would be a place where the other boys in my "troop" would have to be my friend. I practically dragged my dad to the table to sign me up. The chapter never got started for a lack of interest (an auditorium full of young boys and not enough were interested in joining...really?). The next year, the chapter had no problem getting started. To this day I wonder if I was the reason it didn't happen. I was a social pariah throughout school, and yes, people would refuse to be part of something if I was involved.

I'd like to say I grew out of it, but I really have not. Granted, this was before learning about AS, but I had a group of ADULTS tell me we were having our monthly get-together at one place just to ditch me while they went someplace they knew I would not approve.



zer0netgain
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03 Mar 2014, 10:35 am

Sniglet wrote:
What blows my mind is how my son has recently started rejecting other kids who might have similar interests. He was invited to a birthday party of another boy that was held at a comic book store, and everyone was playing a variety of fantasy games and such like. This is exactly the kind of thing my son could get into. However, he just complained about being bored the whole time.

Like I said, it's as if he's decided he wants to try and be friends with "cool" kids. This seems completely futile seeing as how my son has very little in common with them. I wish I could just get him to try reaching out to kids who had similar interests.


1. Your son needs to be "stimulated."

You think he'd have a good time at a party held at a comic book store. However, as a guest, he is there to celebrate another person's birthday. You don't throw the party so that the birthday boy is entertaining the guests. You throw it so that the guests are helping the birthday boy enjoy the party.

A NT (but selfish) child would want it all to be about them and not care about others. A kid with AS would only be invested if the birthday boy was a friend he wanted to do something for. Just because it was held someplace he has an interest would not make it enjoyable. It's like being in a computer club, and when they go out to have pizza think that talking about C++ is going to be a good meal topic when it really is not (learned that the hard way).

2. Most NT kids will not be friends with the "cool" kids.

I don't know a better way to say this. Your son will always have more in common with the geeks, nerds, freaks, etc. than he will ever fit in with the "cool" kids. You should know this from your personal life (unless you were one of the "cool" kids). No matter what Madison Avenue says is fashionable, the cool kids decide what's in and what's not. Less than 10% of the school population rule the playground because they are the attractive ones. Everyone else are further down on the social food chain.

It'll be hard, but he needs to accept that it is unlikely that any of the "cool" kids will accept him. If it makes him feel better, the vast majority of NT kids are just as socially rejected for any number of reasons.



GiantHockeyFan
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03 Mar 2014, 12:54 pm

LupaLuna wrote:
GOD! This sounds almost like my own personal autobiography.

Me too. I was going to say it looks like my mother just jumped from the year 1992 and immediately posted here. I can relate all too well to the OP in that I understood but at the same time was incapable of understanding. I also had the issue that I hated being around 'geeks' and 'nerds' (my only friends) because I wasn't into D&D, Star Trek and only cared about hockey (and still do). Of course you can predict how the "cool" kids and their flock treated me. All I can say is that being an Aspie is rough especially from 11-15 and there is little you can do about it.

One thing I will warn is that my mother tried to teach me the "script" for social interaction and all it did was make me stand out even more. It was obvious I was trying to hard and had no idea what I was doing or what I was talking about and EVERYONE alienated me. Instead of having few friends I had no friends. That really helped my lot :roll: I would have been better off being the shy kid everyone ignored rather than the human punching bag I became.

Sniglet wrote:
Like I said, it's as if he's decided he wants to try and be friends with "cool" kids. This seems completely futile seeing as how my son has very little in common with them. I wish I could just get him to try reaching out to kids who had similar interests.

Yep. Until I came to WP (at age 29) I would have never seen myself as a "geek" since I don't fit the stereotype. I don't wear glasses, barely made the honour roll and hate Star Trek (although my brother has all three to a T running one of the World's top Star Trek websites as a kid). If only I knew then what I knew now but I realize now I would never have been able to see (and accept) my geekiness and would have befriended geeks and gone for Engineering like I wanted to rather than Business in University. I kept getting punched in the face (literally) by cool kids but I just assumed they were having a bad day or were just not seeing the real me. Combine that with projecting my honesty and morality onto others and you can predict why school was a nightmare.



LupaLuna
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03 Mar 2014, 1:29 pm

zer0netgain wrote:
It's like being in a computer club, and when they go out to have pizza think that talking about C++ is going to be a good meal topic when it really is not (learned that the hard way).


You know the scary thing about this is is that you can go to a sports bar, have a beer and talk about everything football. You can talk about scores, stats, player's names, play's and just about everything football and everyone you talk to will just eat it up and they don't have to be your friends or anyone you know for that matter, and yet going to computer club and to get something similar started with the topic of of C++ is next to imposable. GOD! I do feel like an alien from another world..



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03 Mar 2014, 4:01 pm

pinkgurl87 wrote:
DevilKisses wrote:
Maybe you should find some cool, but geeky role models for him.



That is a good idea. :)


I also think it's a wonderful idea.


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