Hello folks, new here. Hopefully this is the place for this sort of question. If not, I apologize.
Recently I have been analyzing my life in respect to medical issues and in doing so I have come to suspect that I am an adult on the autism spectrum. At first I looked at the stated symptoms and agreed with them, then I felt that I wasn't but I know I was taking them too literally (NO FRIENDS, NEVER SEEN A HUMAN EYEBALL EVER, etc etc lol). I began viewing videos of AS people online and found that I identified with the majority of males. However I do not want to make the mistake of self diagnosis (if that is a mistake).
Basically this post is to give me some confidence that I'm not wasting time in seeking a professional diagnosis. I have my doubts in being that I know a human mind can justify pretty much anything but paradoxically I feel that I fit the symptoms to a T and there is ample evidence in my history. Much of my history is filled with academic delays at odds with a tested high intelligence, clumsiness, bad at sports, bad shoe tying, bad hand writing, picky eating, poor socializing, few friends, fewer intimate relationships, difficulty looking anyone whom I have not spent significant time acclimating to in the eye, feeling disconnected, communication problems, literal thinking, rigid patterns, no bars, no clubs, no festivals, no big parties but if I do I don't stay around or stay long, video games and role-playing, anxiety, upset at plan changes, upset at sounds, snapping at people, meltdowns, depression, details, patterns, object obsession, fixations on topics, talking at people rather than to them, dislike of direct sunlight, separating myself from groups, turning down and making excuses to avoid social situations, intellectualizing others emotions, wonky humor, rudeness, infrequency in detecting sarcasm. keeping tabs on facial patterns, movement and tone of voice, staying in the back, monotone voice, keeping an eye on others and what they are doing, dislike of large groups and crowds, excellent hearing, lack of practical fear supplanted by risk/reward assessment, strong sense of smell, noticing a lot of glare, rubbing my face, head and hips often, doodling, it goes on and on and on and on (I have 20+ pages of collected notes involving my communication, socialization, perception and cognition).
What I think will help give me some forward momentum is if I relate a sort of experiment from a few weeks ago that left an impression on me. I'm a gamer of all sorts, and while at a friends house with the gaming group of six individuals I decided to actively pay attention to what I was feeling and to consciously remember what I was feeling. Two friends of one my friends stopped by and I managed a glance to one of their faces and some glances to determine their standing position. It felt like these people were "information voids" to me. Like if I'd look either of them square in the face, at their clothes, it would be too much to know, to experience. While this is something I have experienced my whole life I had not sought to make it concrete in my mind. That it was a manifestation of shyness. Yet in that moment I felt "this is physical, there is something going on here".
Afterward they left and I felt a physical sense of relief, of lessened stress. More freedom, space, processing power.
We continued and there was a point where there were two conversations going on simultaneously, banter, etc. One friend was in the kitchen talking to his mother, a wooden TV dinner table clacked as it was closed, the tv was on, the dog was huffing on the floor, a car passed outside, I was scanning the room, scanning faces, glancing at hands, glancing at mouths, glancing where others were looking, touching the fabric of the couch and like air leaking out of a balloon I could not follow the conversation, either of them. One person said something and another responded, there were smiles involved, and gestures. I was keeping tabs on bodies and loosing the words and keeping tabs on words and loosing the bodies. A friend left and again I felt the feeling of lessening of pressure.
THAT was the most striking thing that lends me confidence in seeking a diagnosis. Yet I'm here seeking some confirmation. Looking to see if someone can see the connections that I sense but have not conceptualized as being valid. Is this an experience of sensory overload? It felt physical, real. I was thinking that and I then slipped into quiet internal panic in my mind. This has to be evidence.
What do you think?
And those asperger tests online have, without any exception, told me I am very likely as aspie. But online tests aren't something I put too much credence in.
05 Mar 2014, 11:20 am
